And then I’m gone.
Jillian
A WEEK AND a half has gone by since Austin’s wreck. The doctors don’t seem to know when he’s going to wake up, and the longer he stays out, the more anxious I feel. Two days ago his brain scans looked good and the swelling had gone down, so they pulled him off the medication that keeps him in a coma and removed his breathing tube. Now it’s just a waiting game. He stirs a little every now and then, which I’m told is promising, but he hasn’t given any real signs of waking up.
Each day I hold his hand and whisper to him when we’re alone. I tell him all the things I hope I get the chance to say when he can hear me.
I love you.
Please forgive me.
I’m dying inside without you.
Wake up and come back to me.
The wait is torture.
The bruises on his face have faded quite a bit. He still looks pretty banged up with the bandages around his head and such, but he’s improving. All of his broken bones have been treated and only his left leg required surgery. His other leg was casted and his arm was put in a sling to stabilize his collarbone. There wasn’t much they could do for his ribs.
I haven’t left this room much since I arrived ten days ago. All of my things were back at the hotel room, but Brian was kind enough to take my room key and get me some clean clothes from my suitcase. He took the couple boxes and bags I had over to my work where they’re storing them for me in my office. I’m thankful I don’t have to pay for a room I’m not using since I refuse to leave this one. But I’m also grateful I don’t have to deal with the press. A few reporters have lingered outside, hoping for updates on Austin’s condition. I don’t have the emotional energy to answer their prying questions, so I stay up here locked away from it all. The only time I walk out of here is to get some coffee or a small bite to eat, or to shower. Even then, the bathroom is located in his room, so I’m still not far. Otherwise, I’m right here by his side like I should be.
Surprisingly, Mrs. Van der Boor has been understanding of the circumstances and has continued to let me work from the hospital. I email her all of my work and all calls are forwarded to my cell phone. On day three, it became apparent there was no definite timeline for Austin’s recovery. I had called my boss and told her that if I needed to resign, I would do so. It killed me to say that, but Austin is my priority. After a long pause where I thought for sure she was firing me, she agreed and hung up the phone.
So that’s what I’m doing right now. Pulled up alongside Austin’s bed, I sit in my chair with my computer on my lap and peck away at the keyboard as I start my new article for next month’s issue. My focus constantly strays, but it’s really hard to care about handbags and shoes when the love of your life is fighting to stay alive.
After struggling for thirty or so minutes, I put my work away and stand up. With my arms over my head, I reach for the ceiling and stretch my tight muscles. A little over a week of sleeping upright in a chair is taking its toll on my body.
I walk over to the window on the other side of his bed and look outside. The sun is bright with not a cloud in sight. It’s warm and inviting, the complete opposite of this room. My arms cross over my chest as I lean my hip against the wall. People walk around in the streets below us. Some smiling with not a care in the world. A pang of envy hits me. I’ve often wondered why that couldn’t be my life. Why is it my every turn is met with obstacles and heartache? There has to be a certain point where enough is enough and life decides to give me a damn break.
A huff of air brushes past my lips before I turn my head to look at Austin. My heart stops and starts beating fiercely all at once because staring back at me are my favorite set of brown eyes.
“Austin.” That’s the only word I’m able to get out before I break down. Rushing over to him, I grab his hand and drop to my knees on the cold, tile floor. My forehead rests on his hand as all the worry, stress, and sadness of the past ten days leaves my body in the form of tears.
My gaze returns to his and I realize I’m in this awkward position where I don’t know what to do. My instinct is to grab his face and kiss him with everything I have, but I refrain for fear of how he’ll react. For fear he’ll reject me. Blinking several times to clear the moisture from my eyes, I study his face.
His lips part and he says, “Hi.” With his voice so weak, I barely hear him, but it’s music to my ears. My spirits soar with that one word and I haven’t felt so hopeful, so happy in months.
“Shhh, it’s okay. You don’t have to talk right now.” I gently cup his cheek and run my thumb across his stubbled jawline. We hold each other’s gaze for what feels like hours, but ends up being only seconds. I might be delusional, but I swear I see the same love and longing I feel reflected back at me.
“I need to get the doctor,” I announce. With one last look, I spin around and quickly exit the room and go down the hall to the nurse’s station.
“He’s awake!”
“Oh great. I’ll go check his vitals now and let the doctor know.” She gets up from her chair and heads off into his direction.
Adrenaline is coursing through my body making me light on my feet. A real smile touches my lips and I bask in the moment. He’s going to be okay, and in my gut I know we will be too. My wide grin is still firmly in place when I turn around to head back to Austin’s room. Now that he’s awake, I don’t want to be away from him too long. But I’m stopped in my tracks when I catch the back of a familiar redhead, and she’s headed for Austin’s room.
My feet spring into action and I catch her just before she makes it to his door. “What are you doing here? It’s immediate family only.” I don’t care that I sound like I’m sneering. She has no reason to be up here.
“It’s the perks of knowing people, but I should ask you the same. Aren’t the two of you divorced by now?” Chloe looks down the tip of her pointy nose at me. The reminder of my pending divorce immediately brings the images I saw of the two of them together to the forefront. My stomach tightens into a ball and I fight the urge to yell at her.
“No, we’re not. He just woke up and doesn’t need this stress. You need to leave.” I go to walk around her, but she grabs me by the arm, stopping me in my tracks.
“Here’s a newsflash for you, honey.” She looks down the hall and steps closer to me, invading my personal space. “Austin and I are together and the only thing holding us back are those papers you won’t sign.”
I hold my ground, refusing to let her think I’m intimidated by her. “If you’re with him and he’s so important to you, then where the hell have you been while he’s been in a coma?” I yank on my arm to get out of her hold.
She jerks back a little in offense. “I’ve been out of town.” She stumbles over her words as she tries to explain why she hasn’t been by to visit him. “I just got word this morning that anything had happened.”
“Because it wouldn’t be unusual not to hear from him in over a week, right?” My hands go to my hips as I wait for her to talk her way out of this.
“I was out of the country on a business retreat, so I didn’t expect to hear from him anyway.” She matches my stance. Here we are, the two of us having a stare down in the middle of a hospital hallway. “Look, apparently you’re not getting the hint, so let me spell it out for you. He doesn’t want you anymore. You’ve been exposed for the horrible human being you are. I feel bad for you, really I do.” Her hand goes to her chest in fake sympathy. “I mean, you can’t pick your parents, but you can certainly pick your in-laws. How could you expect him to accept that? To know he married into the very family who took his away. Every time he looks at you, he sees them, the blood, the death, the funerals. He sees you as the representation of everything that was taken from him that he’ll never get back. Let him move on with his life with someone he can be happy with.” She pats me on the shoulder condescendingly before she turns away from me and continues into his room.
I’m speechless. Everything she said is w
hat I’ve feared from the moment we got married, and it’s all true. I could never expect him to live this way. She’s right, I am a constant reminder of the past. It’s going to kill me, but maybe I should walk away so he can eventually find his happiness. I did my job here and stayed with him until he woke up. What else is there left for me to do?
Selfishness is ultimately what drove my parents to do the things they did. They selfishly left me alone to fend for myself as they chased white line after white line. Their need to satisfy their hunger for drugs was put above my need for food and basic necessities. They rode the cocaine trail all the way to jail because they killed three innocent people on their quest for more of it.
Selfishness.
It’s the most hurtful trait a person can have. With it, nothing and no one else matters. I refuse to be like them. I will put his needs and happiness above my own even if it breaks me. And it will. There’s no doubt in my mind about that.
I move over slightly until my head can peek around the door. I want just one more look and then I’ll do the right thing. Chloe is at his bedside, holding the same hand I’ve held for hours while I prayed, read, and talked to him. She moves over for the nurse and I catch a glimpse of the best person to ever come into my life.
He’s looking down at his chest, wincing as the nurse touches his side. When his head comes up, we lock eyes. His are soft and tired, but there’s sadness there too, and I know what I’m doing has to be done. I press my lips together to keep them from quivering and try to give him a smile. Finding my resolve, I back away slowly and leave with tears streaming down my face.
Four months later
“WILL THAT BE all for you?” the cashier asks.
“Yes, please.” I pay for my order, grab my bag, and walk out.
After hailing a cab outside of the market, I give the driver the address to a place I honestly never thought I’d go. Nervous butterflies take flight in my stomach, but I think this will be good for me. Hopefully, I’ll be able to close this chapter of my life and finally move on.
These last four months have been difficult to say the least. When I walked away from Austin’s room, I didn’t get far. I made it down to the lobby and realized I left my purse, phone, and overnight bag I’d been living out of in his room. At that point, I was completely defeated and emotionally drained. I had gone from the highest of highs and was sitting at the lowest of lows. Luckily, Brian was coming back in from getting some food I wasn’t going to eat. I made up some story about having to run into work really quick but forgot my things in the room in my haste to get it done and asked if he’d run up and get it for me. I didn’t mention Austin was awake before he went upstairs. Then again, he didn’t mention it either when he came back down with my belongings. He knew something was up, but at least he had the decency not to say anything.
I started apartment hunting immediately since I was technically homeless. Of course, since this is New York, I had no luck in finding anything that day, so I went back to the hotel. I stayed there for the rest of the week and was able to secure a fully-furnished apartment I could afford. The only downside was it’s a lot further from my office than I’m used to.
The first couple weeks—hell, months—were pretty lonely. I found myself reaching for my phone to text Janey out of habit, but remembered she’s a fucking whore who destroyed my happiness and quickly put my phone away. I’d have the urge to reach out to Austin too, but the hurt was too much for me to overlook. I was forced to accept reality; we’re nothing to each other anymore.
After a lot of coercing from some co-workers, I finally started going out with them for happy hour on Fridays. Now that everyone knows who I am, I don’t push people away for fear of being exposed. I’m definitely not the life of the party, but it’s a start to functioning and interacting with people normally. For those few hours, I’m able to pretend life is fair and I’m not dead inside. While I do enjoy their company, it doesn’t come close to filling the hole in my heart.
I mailed the divorce papers back to Austin’s attorney the first day I went back to the office. I haven’t heard anything since, then again, I’m not even sure if I’m supposed to. I probably should’ve gotten legal advice on this process, but I was too emotionally drained by the whole thing. I didn’t want to draw it out any more than necessary. He wanted out, and even if it looked like he missed me at the hospital, I knew sending them in was for the best no matter how much my heart hated me for it.
The cab stops, but I don’t get out immediately. “Is this the right place?” he asks gruffly after a moment.
“Uh, yeah. Sorry.” I hand him some cash and let myself out. As soon as the door shuts, he takes off.
My lungs take in the humid air of late summer. Everything is still and quiet, almost eerily so. There’s no wind, no birds chirping or animals scurrying. It’s deathly silent. Given where I am, it’s fitting. I fidget with the flowers in my hand before forcing myself to continue. This has been a long time coming, and with everything going on in my life, it just feels right.
Last night I had to do a little research to find the exact location. Now that I’m here, I have no idea what to say. Taking the three bouquets out of the bag, I place them at the base of each headstone.
Kevin James
Devoted Husband and Father
1954–1996
Sarah James
Loving Wife and Mother
1957–1996
Christine James
Little Angel
1990–1996
I kneel down on my knees in between them on the damp grass. Today marks twenty years since they all died. Maybe I shouldn’t be here. Maybe my presence is disrespectful, but I felt the need to come and ask for forgiveness. Running my fingertips over Sarah’s name, I spend several moments reflecting on the moment and trying to get my thoughts together.
“You guys don’t know me, or maybe you do, I guess it just depends on what you believe in. Anyway, I’m rambling.” My eyes close and I inhale a deep breath before I say the words I’ve longed to say for a while. “My parents are responsible for all of your deaths. I’m sorry.” My voice cracks as I try to hold back the tears. “I’m so, so sorry for what they did to you and your family.” It feels like someone has a vice grip on my throat as it constricts. I’m unable to hold it in and a sob escapes. I cover my mouth with my hand to stifle the noise. “I’m sorry Austin didn’t have you with him as he grew up and that Christine never got a chance to experience life.”
I wipe a stray tear from my face as I contemplate my next words. “I met your son in September, during a reality show of all things. We literally got married at first sight. I didn’t even know his name. I know, it sounds crazy, and it is, but I’d do it all over again in a heartbeat. Austin is the most amazing man I’ve ever known and you guys would be so proud of him. He’s kind and thoughtful, hardworking and generous, funny and smart. He was everything I could have ever wanted. I saw myself having a family and growing old with him, but I guess it just wasn’t in the cards for us.”
I pull at a piece of grass and roll it between my fingers. “I lied to him,” I whisper. “God, I wish I could go back and tell him, but I didn’t want to lose him. I knew if he ever found out he’d be gone, but that kind of brings me to the reason I came here today.”
Taking a deep breath, I look up at the sky and calm myself down. “I’ve felt this strong sense of guilt most of my life, and I’m not even sure why. I know I’m not responsible and it wasn’t my fault, I just feel like someone should be remorseful and I don’t think my parents are capable. You guys deserve that much.”
My heart still hurts and there will forever be a piece of it missing, but a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I continue to sit for a few more minutes before I stand up. “I know I don’t need to ask, but watch over Austin and help him find happiness.”
With my head down, I turn around and start walking back toward the entrance of the cemetery. A few steps in, the toe of someone’s shoes comes into my v
iew. Bringing my head up, I am face to face with Austin. I gasp in surprise and have an innate urge to hide. It feels like I’ve been caught doing something I shouldn’t be doing.
“Uh, sorry. I-I was just leaving.” Avoiding eye contact, I attempt to walk past him quickly, but am stopped when his hand gently grabs my arm. Nervousness courses through my body and my cheeks heat up. God, just get me out of here.
“You don’t have to apologize. Do you mind waiting for me out front so we can talk?” Looking up at him almost hurts. It’s been too long since I’ve been able to gaze into his kind eyes and get lost in his heart-stopping smile. But none of those features are prominent now. Instead, he seems timid, which is an odd emotion coming from him. Maybe he’s just as thrown off from seeing me.
Against my better judgment, I say, “Sure.” My feet carry me quickly out of the cemetery as soon as he releases his hold on me.
My thoughts are all over the place and I feel slightly sick to my stomach. I pace back and forth in front of his car that is parked right outside the gate. What do I say to him? Why does he want to talk? The sound of footsteps grabs my attention and I see Austin making his way toward me.
With his hands in his pockets, we stare at each other for an unnatural amount of time. Needing to break the silence, I say the first thing that comes to mind. “So, how are you?” How are you? Oh, god, it’s like a replay of the reunion show. Could I be any more awkward?
“I’ve been better,” he replies, rocking on the balls of his feet. He looks thinner, like he’s lost some of his muscle mass since I last saw him, but it seems all of his injuries have healed. There’s no cast or crutches, no stitches or bandages. His scruff is a little longer than usual and the lines on his face give away his exhaustion. Despite all of that, he’s just as heartbreakingly handsome as before. “You?”
“Same.” The silence fills the space again, creating new territory for us. Even when we were total strangers, things were never this uncomfortable. I don’t know how to navigate this strange area we’ve found ourselves in.
Hopeless Vows Page 20
