He lifted his head up and looked at me.
“All right.” As he sat up, I reluctantly untwined our fingers and was rapt with attention.
“You mentioned that you can block the emotions you feel coming from others,” Kaidan said. “How do you do that?”
“I kind of ignore it when it comes at me and force myself not to think about it.”
“This might be similar. Imagine each emotion as something physical in your mind, an object of your choice, and then imagine yourself physically pushing it away or throwing a blanket over it. Anything that works for you. Or as you said, flat-out ignore it, pretend it’s not there. Be the boss of your mind. Let’s concentrate on a positive emotion first. Think about Patti.... Good, I can see your love for her. Start with that.”
I imagined my love for her as a physical thing, a fluffy pillow. I compacted it into a light pink dodgeball and I kicked it with my imaginary foot as hard as I could. Kaidan ran his eyes over me and his mouth pulled back in an impressed expression.
“Did it vanish?” I asked.
He nodded, and I was shocked. Maybe I could do this! It was different from blocking others’ emotions, because I had to concentrate harder. Deflecting something from the outside was easier than capturing what was inside me and managing it.
“That was fast. You’re good. Now for something a bit more unpleasant. Something that makes you angry or sad.”
I thought of my father and the words he spoke to me on the day of my birth. I realized now that it must have been pure sarcasm. He couldn’t have meant for me to stay away from drugs if that was supposed to be my job, could he? Why hadn’t he tried to make me work all these years?
“Whatever you’re thinking of, it’s not making you angry. Try this. Think of that git who drugged you and tried to take advantage of you. Think of all the girls he was likely successful with.”
“You think he’s done that to other girls?”
“People who get their kicks that way are usually repeat offenders.”
My stomach tightened. What if Kaidan hadn’t been there that night? How far would Scott have taken things? All the way? I thought of rape victims, how they often felt guilty. I knew I would have blamed myself.
“Good,” Kaidan whispered. “Now.”
Anger surged inside me and I channeled it into a spiraling baseball. I swung and batted the emotion away. It was a home run. And it felt good.
The anger toward Scott still lived somewhere inside me. I wasn’t making my emotions disappear. They were simply being hidden from the part of my brain that would display them.
I spent an hour practicing as Kaidan prompted me through emotions: happiness, sadness, fear, anxiousness.
“This is almost too easy for you, isn’t it?” Kaidan said, leaning a little closer. “I’m very impressed.” He brushed my cheek with the back of his hand, and my heart gave a rapid series of bangs.
Ignore it. Deflect it. Oh, crap, this is harder than the other feelings.
“You know, for the record, Anna, I won’t think any less of you if you change your mind about doing the things my father expects.”
I froze as his hand went around my ankle and up my calf, now shaved, moving upward until his fingers gave a tantalizing brush against the back of my knee. His eyes watched me as he spoke, and my breathing went quick and shallow.
“It’s just you and me out here right now, Anna. I felt you come alive when we kissed, and I know you’re afraid of that. Afraid to unleash that other side of yourself. But you needn’t worry. I can handle her.”
A tingle shot through me. For a moment my thoughts were too distracted to grasp the feeling in my mind.
His hot hand made its way up the back of my leg and I grabbed his wrist. I forced myself to take even breaths and wrap my mental hands around this lust for him. He leaned closer. I could feel his breath against my face and I knew he could feel mine.
The look Kaidan gave me was expectant, rather than seductive. He kept stealing glances at my chest. His hand was still on the back of my thigh, a thumb caressing the sensitive skin there.
I shook my head and grabbed the oncoming lust and longing, compacting it into a red-and-black soccer ball and kicking it into the net. Goal!
“No,” I told Kaidan.
He pulled his hand away and leaned back from me.
“Sorry, I had to play dirty. Some people work better under pressure. Now, if you don’t mind, I should probably walk it off.”
He jumped down from the boulder, landing on his feet, and I watched as he walked around the giant rocks and dirt, kicking stones and doing a series of arm and neck stretches. Five minutes later he came back to me. His voice was quiet.
“Come on,” he said, reaching out for my hand.
And as I let him help me down, I knew for a fact that even though he’d only been putting on a show to test my new skill, if I had said yes, he wouldn’t have hesitated to take me up on it. I was silent the entire walk to the hotel.
After our run and lesson, I sat cross-legged on the bed, flipping through local channels on the television while Kaidan showered. When he came out, his hair was darkened by the water, and he was shirtless. His baggy shorts hung low, revealing the top of boxer briefs. It was a good opportunity to practice hiding my emotions. I pushed them away and forced my ogling eyes back to the TV screen.
He leaned down and pulled a henley shirt from his bag. Once he was dressed, he ran a hand through his wet hair and cleared his throat.
“Right, then. I’ll just, um, be out for a bit.”
He was going out again? I hid my emotions, but I was sure the hurt was plain on my face by the way he looked away from me, shaking his head. I turned off the television and looked at him.
“Don’t go.” I wished I could snatch the words from the air and shove them back in my mouth.
“I have to work, Anna. Either out there or in here.”
He stared at me in challenge, and I was caught inside that stormy look again.
“It wouldn’t kill you to take a night off.”
“Is that so?” He raised his voice now, and balled his hands into fists. “Says the little doll who’s never had to work a day in her life?”
I should have just shut my mouth, but of course I couldn’t.
“It’s not like demons are monitoring your behavior,” I said.
He closed his eyes and held an index finger up at me. “Don’t push me, Anna. You don’t know what you’re talking about.” There was a simmering undertone in his voice, as he seemed to battle down a torrent of emotion. I kept going, feeling reckless as I raised my voice.
“You can make it one night without sex! Can’t you just—”
A splintering crash made me scream and jump backward on the bed. With the swipe of an angry arm, Kaidan had sent a glass lamp flying off the dresser, where it bashed against the wall. He pointed at me, eyes blazing.
“You. Don’t. Understand!”
I held my breath and didn’t move. I’d never seen anyone so mad, especially not at me.
“Don’t wait up this time.” His voice was hoarse as he strode past my bed and out of the room, slamming the door behind him.
I sat there for a few minutes, shocked by how my words had the power to touch a nerve in him. The lamp was beyond repair on the floor. I got down and picked up the smaller pieces with trembling hands, throwing them in the trash. Kaidan’s temper had just bought him a really ugly broken lamp. I expected to get a knock on our door from hotel staff about the commotion, but nobody ever came. When it was all cleaned up I sat on the bed zoning out, thinking about everything for a while before I decided to get ready for bed.
The bedsheets were soft on my tired body. Sudden exhaustion hit as I took a deep breath and let it out. I didn’t want to think about Kaidan working. I said a silent prayer, staring up at the ceiling.
Kaidan had to wake me the next morning. Neither of us spoke as we got ready and grabbed our bags. We went down to take advantage of the hotel’s continen
tal breakfast.
It was strange to watch Kaidan Rowe do something as ordinary as drop a bagel in a toaster. Everything seemed more significant around him. He caught me staring.
I took my plate to a table, wishing he weren’t so perceptive all the time. Two girls our age whispered and nudged each other toward Kaidan at the bread station. They wore tank tops and microshorts over bathing suits.
I picked at a cheese Danish and stretched my hearing out the teensiest bit. From the corner of my eye I saw one of the girls glance toward me, then shove the other girl with her hip, causing her to bump into Kaidan.
“Oops, sorry,” she said. The pushy one giggled.
“Not a problem.” His voice was alluring, but he didn’t break out the bedroom eyes. He focused on the cream cheese.
“Is that your girlfriend over there?”
Uh-oh, I thought. I could feel them looking toward me, and I paid close attention to the honeydew melon on my fork.
“Ah, just a friend, actually.”
Hmph.
“Are you staying here at the hotel tonight?” she asked.
How very bold of her.
“No, we’re leaving straightaway.”
“My cousin thinks you’re hot—”
“Oh, my gawd, shut up! So do you—”
Okay, back to normal hearing for me, thanks.
After a few minutes, Kaidan sat down across from me. He stared at my chest and raised his eyebrows in disapproval. Drats! I forgot about my colors. Keeping emotion hidden was hard, constant work.
“Never a dull moment,” I said, after getting control. The twist in my stomach made my words sound petty. His mouth lifted as he tore off a big bite of the bagel, which was burned.
“You’re cute when you’re jealous.” He popped the bite in his mouth.
My eyes widened and then narrowed.
“Besides,” he said, “just a pair of ninnies.”
I looked over at the girls now sitting with a large gathering of their family members, young and old, in complete contentment. They’d been so brazen with a complete stranger, seizing the day.
“Anna...” Kaidan hesitated, and I looked up at him. “Er, I’m not very good at the whole apology thing.” He flicked bits of burned bread around his plate.
“Oh,” I said. “Well. It’s okay. Just an accident.”
“No.” He shook his head, dragging out the end of the word. “People don’t accidentally lose their tempers and break things. It was a conscious decision.”
“Well, I’m over it. Let’s just forget about it.”
He blinked at me, seeming surprised by my easy forgiveness. I gave him a small smile and took a sip of my juice. He leaned back in his chair and observed me.
“How’s your orange juice, Ann? Does it have a touch of lime?”
The glass paused at my lips as I processed his innuendo, and I took a second to make sure my embarrassment stayed hidden inside. I let the drink swish over my tongue a moment before swallowing and answering.
“Actually it’s a little sour,” I said, and he laughed.
“That’s a shame.” He picked up a green pear from his plate and bit into it, licking juice that dripped down his thumb. My cheeks warmed as I set down my glass.
“Okay, now you’re just being crude,” I said.
He grinned with lazy satisfaction.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about. I’m just enjoying my breakfast.” He took another bite and I shook my head. The boy had a major effect on me, but some of the shock factor was beginning to wear off, and I found myself being less offended by his incorrigible nature.
We finished eating and Kaidan pulled up a map on his phone.
“We’ll be on the road about ten hours today. The Federal Correctional Institution is just outside of L.A. Patti said visiting hours are from ten to one tomorrow.”
A wave of nausea made me lean forward and rest my forehead on the table.
“No worries, luv.”
His words brought me comfort, and I lifted my head.
“Do you think maybe I can drive some today?” I asked. “It might take my mind off it.”
He dug the keys from his pocket and held them in front of me.
“You can have first shift.”
We passed a lot of Native American reservations in New Mexico. Many of them were lit up with neon lights of casinos. As we dipped into one shallow valley, a tight-knit circular reservation came into sight. The most touristy thing about it was a brightly colored tepee in front of a little store.
“Do you mind if we stop?” I asked.
Kaidan looked up from the game he was playing on his phone. “Not at all.”
I pulled into the dusty parking lot. The sun glared bright and hot as I climbed out of the car. I cupped my hand above my eyes to shield them. Dry heat made my skin feel shriveled and thirsty, like the parched, cracked earth we walked on. The outside of the store was a genuine piece of adobe architecture, pinkish brown, with rounded corners and edges. A woman with a soft yellow aura sat by the entrance, weaving on a traditional loom.
Inside, we stood in a large room that smelled of sweet earth and cedar. The walls were draped in handmade blankets woven with intricate designs and patterns. Tables around the room displayed colorful jewelry. In the corner stood an antique drink cooler that must have been fifty years old.
A couple sat at a small table to the side. An old man and woman with matching skin the rich color of the soil, both with long black-and-gray hair pulled back from their faces. They greeted us with friendly nods and smiles.
I went to their table and watched them work for a moment. She was stringing tiny beads into a bracelet by hand, creating an elaborate motif. He was carving a chunk of wood. I could make out the hind legs of a horse. Amazing. They made the art look easy in their experienced hands.
I walked around the store. Hundreds of wooden animals of all sizes stared back at us from the walls. Wolves and coyotes seemed to be the most popular. Kaidan examined an eagle with its wings spread.
“Incredible detail,” he said. His appreciation made me glad, since he didn’t show much admiration for humans, in general.
I ran my fingers over a coarse throw blanket as I moved around the room, and then spotted a table full of turquoise and amber jewelry. I went over and touched several of the smooth stones.
A delicate, dainty necklace caught my attention, made of silver with a turquoise charm naturally in the form of a misshapen heart. It was one of the prettiest things I’d ever seen. I looked at the price tag and balked. It would have cost me all the money I’d brought. I was sure it was worth that much, but still. I set it back down.
“See anything you like?” Kaidan asked. I hadn’t heard him walk over.
“Yeah. It’s all beautiful, isn’t it?”
“Can I... get you something?”
A rush of heat flowed to my face from the surprise of his offer. I kept my eyes on the table.
“Oh. No. I don’t need anything, but thank you.”
He stood so close that my shoulder touched his chest and I was afraid he could hear my galloping heart.
“I guess we’d better get back on the road,” I said.
“Yes.”
I turned to the kind couple and thanked them. They both nodded in their quiet way. Kaidan pointed to the drink cooler as we were leaving.
“I’ll get us drinks so we don’t have to stop again for a while,” he said, handing me the keys.
I squinted as I walked back out, cupping my hands above my eyes. I could hardly see, it was so bright. We hadn’t been in the store very long, but the inside of the vehicle was already ablaze with heat. I started the engine and cranked up the AC. As I sat in the hot car with the air blasting, I watched the woman weaving outside and wondered how many demon whisperers were involved in the trampling of Native American cultures throughout history.
The stride of Kaidan’s tanned legs in his baggy skater shorts shook me out of my reverie. He climbed in and p
ut the cold drinks in the cup holders.
“New Mexico is my favorite state,” I declared as we pulled onto I-40.
“I’m waiting to see it all before I decide. And by the way, your driving isn’t half-bad. I expected to be terrified.”
“Why?”
“I imagined a timid, overly cautious little angel, but you’ve got an impressive lead foot.”
Whoops.
“Your car drives so quietly,” I said, “I don’t realize how fast I’m going. I’ll set the cruise control from now on.”
“Don’t worry. I’ll keep an ear out for cops,” he told me.
“Will we be passing the Grand Canyon?” I asked. “I’ve always wanted to see it.”
Kaidan pulled out the map and studied it.
“It’s a bit out of the way, more than an hour. But how about this? We can go on the way back, since we won’t have a time crunch.”
I didn’t know if it was the desert air or what, but I felt at ease. I still had a thousand questions for Kaidan, but I wasn’t in the mood for another heavy conversation just yet. I liked talking to him. We were still guarded, and it wasn’t nearly as carefree as talking with Jay, but I was beginning to imagine keeping Kaidan in my life as a friend after this trip. Time would help us forget the kiss. My crush on him would fade. If I could stop analyzing every touch and every look, then maybe it could work. I vowed to myself at that moment: No more jealousy. No more flirting. No more lustful longing for the elusive Kaidan Rowe.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
LAUGHTER
Arizona was battling it out with New Mexico to win the title of favorite state, with more breathtaking red mountain views. At one point, the road seemed to be carved straight through a crack between two high mountains. Steep inclines surrounded us on both sides, and foreboding signs warned of rockslides, as if there were anywhere to escape. I stared out the window in awe as I drove.
There was one thing I had to do while we were in the Southwest.
“Do you like Mexican food?” I asked.
“There aren’t many foods I don’t like.”
I should have guessed. I was confident I could find a perfect place to eat when we pulled into a town near Flagstaff that afternoon. I bypassed busy chain restaurants until I found what I was looking for: a quaint hole-in-the-wall place like the one I frequented with Patti back home.
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