I still wasn’t ready to ask about the fate of Nephilim souls. That would have to wait until last. I thought for a second.
“Do you think Mariantha’s been punished?” I asked.
“Well, she’s not in hell, if that’s what you mean. I would have heard about it if she were.”
My stomach tightened at the mention of hell. “What’s it like?” I asked hesitantly. “Down there?”
“It’s another one of those things that’s hard to explain.” He let go of one hand and stroked his beard. “Imagine a dark, wide alleyway that goes on forever, between two skyscrapers that stretch as far up as you can see. It’s hard to maintain hope. Souls burn from sheer negativity.”
“You’re pretty good at describing things that are hard to explain,” I said, shaking off the chill from the image.
“I’ve had plenty of time to think about it.”
“Why didn’t God try to stop Lucifer from planning that rebellion?”
“He loved Lucifer. He saw that he had great power, and he allowed it. It could have gone either way. Lucifer was capable of choosing right. I think God was holding out hope that he would make the right choice. Maybe it seems cruel to test the angels and the human souls, but it’s not like that. We have to face difficulties to find out what our true strengths are. How we come back from a failure is a very valuable test.”
“Yes. You could have wanted revenge after the fall,” I said.
“Easily. And it’s all especially hard for humans, who are given the test of faith without ever seeing everything with their own eyes. That’s why they’re given the ability to sense the Holy Spirit.”
“How does it work?”
He leaned back in his chair, rubbing his hands over his smooth head. “The Holy Spirit is like billions of cell phone signals coming from God and connecting with each soul, a direct link. People process the messages as feelings, sometimes even hearing their own voice in their mind, so it’s easy to disregard.”
I nodded, watching him in awe. He had an answer for everything. It was a lot to take in, yet there was so much more I still wanted to know.
“Is the fate of each person set in stone?” I asked.
“No, no, no. There is no ‘fate’ in that sense. Nobody was made to fail. For individual souls, there’s always choice. Every time a choice is made, a new path forms. From what I understand, humans are told before going to earth that life will be difficult. They know what hardships they’ll have to face. They know it’s a test, and they’re eager for it. You, too, knew before you came to earth that you’d be born into these circumstances.”
A spark lit up in my mind. I gasped and sat up straighter. The lost knowledge from my dark days!
“I knew there was something more! I still can’t remember it, though.”
My dad chuckled at me.
“Don’t beat yourself up, kid. It’ll all come back once you shed that body. No soul can fathom how difficult it’ll be once they’re in physical form and they can’t remember anymore.”
I kept smiling, feeling buoyant with this new information. And then a question rose in my mind that robbed me of happiness.
“Why do mothers of Nephilim always die?”
He nodded, as if he’d expected this. Dropping his forearms to the table, he took my hands again.
“We talked about this a lot when Mariantha was pregnant. When the female body was created, it was made as a vessel to usher another human soul through the realms. You always hear people talking about the miracle of birth, and it’s true. It’s a miracle each time a soul makes the passage. But a Neph soul is different from a human soul. It’s something more. The human body wasn’t created to be able to expel such a complex soul into the earthly realm. It can’t physically survive it.”
Oh. Wow. This was huge. “And is this general knowledge among the demons?” I asked.
“Of course, but they don’t go flaunting the fact that the Neph are so powerful. Don’t want to put any ideas in the minds of their kids.”
It was yet another way the Neph had been deceived and downtrodden. I couldn’t wait to tell Kaidan the truth. I wanted to get to the bottom of everything. So many questions were bouncing around in my mind. I told him about Hollywood and how much it broke my heart to feel all of the people’s suffering.
“Angels of light are extremely sensitive to the emotions of others, so you got that from your mother, which is good, Anna, but you can’t be so sensitive that you’re blind to the bigger picture. Didn’t you ever get hurt when you were little? Fall down and skin your knee?”
“Sure.”
“Does it still hurt?”
“No. I see where you’re going with this,” I said.
“I know it sounds trite. I would never suggest saying this to someone who’s in the middle of a tragedy, but even the worst earthly pain and heartache doesn’t last into the heavenly realm. And it all serves a bigger purpose.”
“But what about the suffering of the Neph?” I asked, indignant. “The way they’re treated...”
“I know. I’ve always believed the Nephilim are the strongest souls on earth. I think even the Dukes feel threatened by them. If anyone could overthrow the demons, it’s their own children.”
But the children are scared, I wanted to say. We’ve been told we’ll end up in hell. I should have asked then, but I wasn’t ready to hear it. I peeked at the clock. Time was going by way too fast.
“Tell me more,” I said. “Tell me anything. What’s the meaning of life?”
He let out a big, burly laugh.
“You thought you’d stump me with that one, didn’t you? It’s actually very simple. The purpose of life is to find your way back to a spiritual way of thinking and living—to be able to get past the physical stuff. That’s pretty much the whole test. And every soul is given talents and strengths to help them along the way.”
“That’s it?!”
He snickered at my bug-eyed response.
“It’s much harder than it sounds.” He looked up at the clock now. “Ten more minutes, little one. What else you got for me?”
There was thunder in my heart. I looked at his big, weathered hands holding mine on the table. I couldn’t put it off any longer.
“Is it true there’s a stain on my soul, and I’m condemned to go to hell no matter what? That’s not true, is it?”
His breathing had gone shallow as he stared at me. A tremble began to shake his chin, and he looked away. No. Please, no. I shook my head, pulling my hands away to cover my face. My heart ached and my eyes stung.
“Please forgive me, Anna.” His voice was quiet. “This is why I never wanted children. Please look at me.”
I moved my hands down from my watering eyes, pressing my fingers over my mouth.
“It might be different for you. Your mother’s good might cancel out my bad. We don’t know. And if it’s true, then I’ll be there with you. We’ll stick together through the darkness.”
“Why would He do that to us?” My voice rose. “To all of the Nephilim children? It’s not our fault!”
He leaned across the table, grasping my hands from my face and holding them. His eyes were set on mine.
“Nothing good comes from anger,” he said. “Trust me. It’ll keep you from thinking clearly. I know you don’t want that. Don’t lose hope. Remember, hell is only a holding place. You’ll get your shot at judgment. We can’t know everything about the ultimate plan. It’d be like trying to teach infants quantum physics.”
I rubbed my face, trying to nod and swallow the sob in my chest. I didn’t want to go to hell. There was nothing more petrifying than the idea of a place absent of love.
“Two minutes!” hollered a guard by the door. “Wrap it up and say your good-byes, folks.”
We both stood. I came around the table and went into his thick, solid arms. He smelled like soap. It was surreal to be hugged by him, but so right. He kissed the top of my head.
“I love you, Dad.”
“You do
n’t know how good those words sound to me. I’ve loved you every day of your life. Thank you for coming to me. I’m proud of you.”
He pulled away and lifted my chin to make me look at him.
“Remember everything I told you, got that?”
I nodded.
“And tell the Rowe boy to keep his paws off my little girl, ’cause I’ll be out soon to take care of him if he doesn’t.”
“Daaaad.”
Embarrassing.
A whistle blew and we pulled away from each other. Everyone was standing, hugging, and walking to the doors. My stomach tightened.
“Please be careful,” he urged.
“I’ll see you soon?”
“You bet.” He kissed my forehead and I grudgingly joined the other visitors leaving.
At the door I turned back. He was still watching me, tall and stoic. My whole life I’d fooled myself into thinking I didn’t need his love, but I’d been wrong. Everyone needed their father’s love.
A freshly shaved Kaidan leaned against his shiny black SUV with his arms crossed in the bright California sunshine. He stood up and took off his sunglasses when he saw me. I couldn’t look at him. I walked past and opened the door, climbing in.
He didn’t ask any questions. He just got in and drove, keeping his eyes on the road. When we’d driven five miles from the prison, I hid my face in my hands and let loose every tear I had in me.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
FIRST SACRIFICE
Across from the hotel was a tiny Laundromat with five washers and five dryers run by coin slots. I spent the afternoon doing laundry while Kaidan went to the hotel’s gym. He’d given me his phone in case the convent called. I sat alone in a small chair, thinking, while the dryer ran.
I’d asked Kaidan if he’d been listening to our conversation while he waited at the prison. He admitted that when he returned that afternoon, he listened for a moment to make sure I was okay, but that was it, and I believed him.
I told him every detail of what my father said. He had been a quiet listener, not saying much. Not even I told you so about the final part.
The clothes were finally dry, so I stood there pulling them out one at a time, folding them.
I jumped and let out an embarrassing squeak when two hands came around my waist.
“Just me, luv,” he said, close to my ear. “Aren’t you the picture of domestication? Do you cook as well?”
I put both hands on the edge of the dryer to steady myself. The machine was still hot.
“Kai,” I said. I could feel his nose and mouth move over my hair. Why was he doing this to me? Telling me not to romanticize him, and then nuzzling me from behind? “You shouldn’t...”
My knees were shaking. I was so confused. What I really wanted to do was close my eyes and lean back into him, pretending for just a moment that we were together. But I pressed on from a place inside of me that was stronger than my body. I couldn’t be one of his momentary girls.
“Unless you’re going to be my boyfriend, you shouldn’t touch me like this.”
He did not pull away, repulsed, as I had expected. Instead, he spoke into my hair.
“The Neph are not permitted to be in relationships, especially not with one another.”
“Nobody has to know,” I said into the air, closing my eyes. “Just us.”
“It can never happen.” His rejection was gentle, but firm.
Again, from the place of strength, I found myself taking his hands, untwining them from around my waist, and moving them away from me. A second later he was gone. Hot and then cold, over and over.
It can never happen. I had to lean on the dryer now, breathing deeply, feeling the heat. For once my eyes stayed dry.
I had known in my heart there was no chance. Of course there wasn’t. He hadn’t said he did not want to be with me, only that it wasn’t allowed. I tried to cling to that, but I knew I shouldn’t. Whatever the reason, there would never be an “us,” not even in secret, certainly not exclusive, and the sooner I got my head wrapped around that fact, the better.
I piled the clothes into my arms and headed to the room.
Kaidan was watching TV on his bed. He didn’t look at me. I set his clothes on the dresser and packed mine back into my bag. I saw the red T-shirt in the bottom of my bag, the one he’d loaned me at his house. I went and placed it on his pile. I thought about what to do next. My book bag sat on the floor with all my summer reading for AP English that Patti had insisted I bring. I picked it up and lugged it to my bed.
“What are you getting into?” he asked.
I guessed he was going to act like nothing happened. Well, two could play that.
“English,” I said, tossing a book of American poetry and my notebook on the bed in front of me. Kaidan turned off the TV and came over, laying his long self across my bed, taking the book, and opening it.
The nerve.
And then it dawned on me painfully. Maybe he wasn’t pretending it was no big deal. Maybe it really wasn’t a big deal to him at all. And why would it be? Many girls, far more enticing than me, had no doubt asked him to commit, and he’d rejected each one. Why did I think I was any different? Because we shared a secret about our parents and some freaky senses?
I’ve heard the saying that you can’t miss what you never had. Only I did. The disappointment hurt.
I found an unoccupied corner at the top of my bed and sat with my legs crossed. My head was killing me. I pulled the braid over my shoulder and tugged off the rubber band. I untwined the strands of hair and ran my nails along my sore scalp. I combed my fingers through the deep waves made by the braid to get out any tangles. Kaidan made a strange guttural sound and then coughed. When I looked over he was staring hard at the book. His eyes moved over me and went back to the book again. What was his problem?
I felt pouty, and I was glad I knew how to hide my colors now. I opened my notebook with a dramatic whoosh and yanked out the top worksheet. The first question made me grumble.
“What’s the matter?” Kaidan asked.
“I can’t stand these kinds of questions. ‘What is the author’s opinion of death, as seen in lines eighteen to twenty-one?’ It’s a poem, for crying out loud! The beauty of poetry is that it can mean different things to different people at different times. But you know they’re expecting one specific, so-called correct answer, and any other thoughtful response will be counted off. It’s wrong to dissect poetry like this!”
I threw down the paper in heated passion and felt his hand cup my cheek. I hadn’t even noticed him sitting up during my tirade. My heart was already pumping hard when I turned my face to him. Kaidan’s eyes were on fire, and his sweet, earthy scent slammed my senses.
“Seriously,” I whispered, unable to look away. “You’re doing that bedroom-eyes thing again.”
We met halfway. His lips were as hot as his eyes, sending a shock wave through me. His tender mouth opened mine and I could sense the red of passion, like silk, circling us, pulling us closer. I was aware of a halfhearted battle within me, but I clambered nearer, pushing the notebook and papers to the floor.
His lips broke away from mine and moved greedily down my neck. A moan escaped me at the feel of his hot breath on my skin, and it was all the encouragement he needed. He was on top of me, and I was gripped by an unfamiliar hunger. I hushed the urgent whisper of my heart by grabbing his shirt and tugging it up until it was over his head, and his smooth brown skin was everywhere, emanating heat. He unbuttoned my shirt and I wiggled out of it. It was off, tossed to the floor with the notebook, and my tank top was over my head, in his hand, then soaring across the room. His lips were on mine again, our bare skin crushed together, but we still needed to be closer. He pulled his lips just far enough away to speak.
“What time will Patti be calling?”
I managed a glimpse at the clock, feeling his mouth on my collarbone.
“Not for an hour,” I whispered.
“That simply is not going to be
enough time.”
In one smooth motion he flipped us so we were both sitting up, me across his lap with my legs wrapped around him. My hair brushed my skin, soft in contrast to the hardness of his hands. His perfect lips moved over my shoulders, pushing my bra straps down and nipping with just enough pressure. My head lolled back into his waiting hand. I pressed my hips against his and was rewarded when he groaned, flipping us again, so fluidly.
His mouth was on the small swell of skin peeking out from the top of my bra. My hands were in his thick hair. He kissed down my upper body to my belly button, keeping his hands under my back, concentrating on my skin. I was gasping for short breaths now, unable to control myself as his lips burned a trail down to the edge of my shorts. He flicked open the button and licked the sensitive skin there. I gasped, and he made a masculine growling sound at me before he spoke.
“Now would be the time to stop me, luv. You’re about to be undressed, and trust me when I say it will be too late after that.”
My body was overpowering my mind. I couldn’t think. I could only smell and taste and see and hear and feel him.
An annoying whisper sounded from the depths of my mind again, but something else was there too: something I had managed to flatten to the bottom of my consciousness until now. The demonic doubt.
We were damned for simply being born. So why was I holding fast to rules that didn’t really apply to me anyway? Why shouldn’t I take from this life what I could in the time I had? This had nothing to do with what Pharzuph demanded of us, and everything to do with what Kaidan and I had become to each other.
“No, Kai,” I said, arching my back under his hot fingers. “Don’t stop.”
His face was in front of mine again, our mouths moving in a harmonic frenzy. My hands moved from his hair, over his hard chest, down the ripple of his stomach, around his waist, and up over his firm back. I pulled him to me. I couldn’t believe this was happening. Excitement and fear coursed through my blood.
And then there was... confusion.
He was murmuring something to himself that I couldn’t make out, then shaking his head. I pulled him to me again, but he reached down, taking my wrists and holding them between us. I lifted my hips to him and was shocked to meet resistance. What was going on?
Sweet Evil Page 18
