“I thought you were being nice by inviting me to the party, and I did wonder what a guy like you was doing giving a girl like me any attention, but now I understand. You knew that if the truth came out about what you planned to do, all these people would take your word over mine. We both know what you did. Veronica and Kristin know it, too.”
Kristin gave a short laugh like I was crazy; her colors were a muddy orange of amusement at my expense. Veronica’s eyes widened and she looked away, wearing a blanket of dark shame about her. As for Scott, he was cloaked in a swirl of purple pride and gray fear, a dangerous combination. For a split second I thought about willing all three of them to tell the truth. It would have brought me satisfaction, but I refused to hamper their free will.
I lowered my voice to a whisper. “And I also know I’m not the first girl you’ve done this to.”
His eyes hardened. “You really expect anyone to believe that? You’re psycho.”
“Do you always ask psychos whether you can kiss them?”
Snickers rose from the table.
“Yeah, right,” Scott said. “You wish.”
“She’s not lying.” We all turned to Veronica, who’d spoken with bold confidence. But only I could see she was wrapped in the darkness of fear now.
“Shut up, you stupid lush,” Scott said to her. “You and your big nose can stay the hell out of this conversation.”
“You’re a liar!” She jumped to her feet and ran from the cafeteria.
Scott turned his sneer on me. “Everyone knows you’re just a band whore now.”
My palm itched, begging to slap him. “You should be ashamed of yourself, Scott.”
“Oooh!” He shook his hands in the air. “Good comeback.”
“You’re such a fake,” I whispered, “and it’s really sad. You live your life to impress a bunch of people who don’t accept you for who you are. But maybe that’s because you don’t even know who you are.”
A bubble of blackness rose up from his depths, hideous and raging around him. His nostrils flared and I dared to take a step forward, speaking low enough for only him to hear.
“You need to deal with that self-hatred, and stop taking it out on innocent people. It’s not too late to be the person you really want to be.” Surprise, guilt, and rusty hope lifted from the dark sludge of his aura. “Good luck, Scott.”
I pushed past him, hurrying toward the exit to the hall. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. I found Veronica in the bathroom, brushing her hair with punishing strokes in front of the mirror. She stopped when she saw me.
“I should have called him out sooner,” she said.
“It’s okay.”
“No, it’s really not. I listened to him lie about you all summer and this whole month back at school. I kept hoping it would just blow over.” She shoved her brush back into her purse and sniffed.
“Thank you for sticking up for me.” I knew it wasn’t easy going against the crowd.
“I know everything was messed up at Gene’s party, but I had fun with you that night,” Veronica said.
“Me, too.”
Her feelings were only a light fog now.
“I heard about you and the drummer of that band. Is he kind of tall, with brown hair?”
I nodded and she grabbed my arm, suddenly animated again.
“Oh, my gawd, I totally think he was the guy checking you out in the hall at the party!”
“Oh, yeah, I forgot about that.”
“Wanna come over and hang out sometime?” she asked. I opened myself to the pastels of her hope and gladness, letting them surge with my own.
“Sure. Maybe you can help me with my stupid hair.”
I pulled at the long bangs. As she lifted layers of my hair with her fingers, checking it out and complimenting the style, I marveled about the nature of humanity, and how something as lovely as friendship could stem from something so hideous.
There was a lot to be said for having a female friend. My toes looked better than they ever had. Veronica was insistent they be painted if I was going to wear flip-flops. We had some of our best conversations sitting on the floor of her bedroom as she leaned over my feet with a bottle of polish.
“Scott hasn’t talked to me at all since that day,” Veronica said one late October afternoon as she applied a coat of sparkly blue polish. “That’s fine by me, though.”
It had been over a month since the cafeteria showdown. I’d worried that the situation would only escalate from there, but after a frenzied flurry of gossip, Scott dropped it, and talk died down. I heard he was dating a girl from another school.
I’d finally started hanging out again outside of school with Jay and Veronica, but I preferred being at one of our homes instead of going out. I was always on the lookout for whisperers when we went somewhere like the mall, paranoid about my two friends being targeted. Or me seeming too chummy with humans. Veronica swiped more polish across my toenails.
“Tell me what it was like with Kaidan,” she said.
I felt excited at the initial thought of him, and then sad. Sometimes the longing was so overpowering I’d think of him for hours at a time. I told Veronica about our kisses and how he’d tease me in that flirty way. But there was too much I couldn’t explain.
“You still love him, don’t you?” She didn’t wait for an answer. “How long has it been since you’ve seen him?”
“Three months or so.”
“We’ve gotta find you a new man.”
“No, I’m good. I don’t want anybody.”
“You still want him. That’s the problem,” she said.
I did still want him.
“What about you?” I used the same diversion tactics as I did with Jay, even though I didn’t want to talk about the shady guy she’d been dating.
“I think he’s starting to get impatient with me.” She looked down and started painting her own toes again, which were already perfect.
“You’ve been together only a few weeks,” I pointed out.
“I know, but it seems like it’s been longer ’cause we see each other every day and talk on the phone every night, and last night he said to me, ‘I don’t see what the big deal is. It’s not like you’re a virgin.’” She mimicked his mopey boy voice.
I thought about Veronica’s relationship with Mike Ramsey that had spanned our entire ninth-grade year, and I felt defensive for her.
“He shouldn’t say that to you. It’s still a big deal, whether you’re a virgin or not. Don’t do anything with him out of guilt.”
“I’m not. I mean, he’s not trying to be mean or anything. He told me... he loves me.”
I’d tried telling her when they first got together that he gave me a bad feeling, but she seemed determined not to see it. And now he was telling her he loved her when he’d never shown an ounce of pink emotion in her presence. I tried to keep the upset feelings out of my voice.
“Those are just words, Roni. If he loves you he’ll show it by waiting.”
“Yeah, right—how long did you make Kaidan wait?”
I rubbed at a smudge of polish on the skin inside my toe.
“We never did it. We just kissed and stuff.”
“Seriously?” She blinked at me and I took the polish from her, twisting the cap back on so it wouldn’t spill on her ivory carpet. “So you’re still a virgin, then?”
“Yes. Contrary to popular belief.”
Her eyes lifted to her childhood collection of unicorn statues on a shelf.
“Sometimes I wish I still was. Not something you can take back, though.”
She pushed her thick hair behind her ear. Her bob had grown down to her shoulders and was now dyed black with one purple streak in front. She cleared her throat and straightened her legs.
“You’re, like, religious, right?” she asked.
“Yes.”
She began giving off strong gray vibes of mixed negative feelings. I pretended to focus on my own toes still, giving her a moment to col
lect her thoughts.
“Do you think badly of me?” she asked. “I mean, about all that stuff last year?”
I looked at her, confused. “What stuff?”
“You know.” She pulled at a strand of carpet. “The abortion.”
My heart stammered. I remembered vaguely how the rumor mill had been going at the beginning of our sophomore year about someone getting an abortion, but I never poked around for details.
“I don’t think badly of you, Roni.”
Her relief was immediate.
“My dad made me,” she said, swallowing. Veronica was a toughie, not a crier like me, but she was fighting tears.
“She would be five months old now.”
“She?” I whispered.
She shrugged. “It was always a girl when I dreamed. It’s not like I wanted a baby, but... I don’t know. My dad went ballistic. He went to Mike’s parents and they all ganged up to make us stop seeing each other. Of course, Mike had a new girlfriend like that—” She snapped her fingers. “But anyway. The worst part was the day we went to the clinic. There were these people outside.”
Her colors darkened again.
“Protesters?” I asked.
“Yeah. They had signs with pictures and I tried to ignore them, but this one lady spit on me when I walked past. I remember exactly what she said, too. She said, ‘You’re a murderer—you’ll burn in hell for this.’”
I pushed Veronica’s black-and-gray swirls of guilt, anger, and fear away from me because I was dealing with my own and it was too much. My chest tightened and my voice was thick.
“She shouldn’t have said that to you. It was wrong. People are supposed to love and help one another, not judge. She doesn’t know your heart.”
Veronica let me take her hand. Our arms dangled between us, connected at the fingers. She still stared at her toes, but the darkness around her slowly receded.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
HALLOWEEN
I could not believe I’d let the tag-team duo of Jay and Veronica guilt-trip me into going to this Halloween party. It was the first time I’d gone out since the night I’d met the other Neph. Four bands were headlining tonight. Lascivious was not playing, but I knew Kaidan would be there. He’d given Jay the invite. My body tensed just thinking about it.
Jay, Veronica, and I walked through a sea of cars into a giant clearing filled with hundreds of rowdy people. It was a field party with a makeshift stage for the bands. We settled ourselves on the outskirts of the crowd, near the border of the forest.
There was a crazed buzz in the air—everyone in costume. I watched a caveman throw Wonder Woman over his shoulder as she screamed in delight. A robot was helping an alien do a beer bong on one side of us, while some Pokémon characters did a keg stand on the other side. A huge crowd was jumping and moshing in front of the stage.
I wondered what kind of sexy getup Kaidan would be wearing. Maybe Adam in a loincloth? And who would be his Eve tonight? Blech.
This was a terrible idea.
I smoothed down the snug black Lycra dress I wore. At least it was long-sleeved and flowed down to my ankles. I think it was a costume of Veronica’s from when she was in middle school. She swore it wasn’t too tight on me. She had no qualms about lying.
My face, neck, and hands were painted green. I doctored up a fake wart with some bubble gum and put it on my nose, much to Veronica’s dismay. I wore a ratty black wig and a pointy black hat.
Veronica was a seductive Minnie Mouse in red and white polka dots. Jay was a pirate with an eye patch and a freaky fake parrot sitting crookedly on his shoulder.
I stood with my arms crossed, scanning the crowd. My eyes halted on a very tall gorilla looking in our direction. He bore a red badge on his furry chest. I had no idea how long we stared at each other, unmoving, before I lifted one hand in a wave.
“Who are you waving at?” Veronica asked me.
“Um, that big monkey. I think he’s staring at... us.”
And at that moment, the gorilla lifted an arm and scratched his armpit. The silly gesture filled me with a rush of joy. But I wasn’t going to him.
I faced my friends, chewing my thumbnail. Please come over. When I glanced again, he was walking our way. Yes! My pulse went erratic.
Veronica giggled when he approached, but she shut up when he took off the gorilla head and shook out his sweat-dampened hair. From the corner of my eye, I saw her white polka dots cover over in bright red. I wasn’t going to lie; it annoyed me, though I could hardly blame her. I was thankful when he turned to Jay.
“Arrgh, matey,” Kaidan said.
“What’s up, man?” Jay reached out and they slapped palms, then grasped hands for a second.
“I’ve got a joke for you,” Kaidan told him. Jay nodded his head, ready. “What’s the difference between a drummer and a savings bond?”
“I don’t know. What?” Jay beamed bright yellow.
“A savings bond matures and eventually makes money.”
They did some big, barreling boy laughing, slapping hands again. While they were distracted, Veronica cocked her head toward Kaidan and raised an eyebrow at me. I shook my head and she eyed me, unbelieving. Her colors had settled down now. Kaidan looked back over at us girls.
“This is my friend Veronica,” I told him. “And this is Kaidan.”
“Oh, I’ve heard all about you.” Veronica gave him a big smile.
His brow elevated, but he didn’t take the bait. Instead, he stared at me funny. “Nice wart.” Leaning forward without touching me, he flicked the wart from the tip of my nose.
Veronica let out a loud cackle, proving she should be the one in my costume.
“I told you it was stupid!” She gloated.
With my pointer finger, I moved the paint around my nose to fill in the blank spot. When I finished, he was still watching me.
“Your hair’s grown a lot,” I said to him.
“So has your bottom.”
My eyes rounded and blood rushed to my face. Veronica hooted with hilarity, bending at the waist. Even Jay let out a loud snicker, the traitor.
I wished Kaidan weren’t so perceptive, but it was true. The feminine curves that had always eluded me were finally making an appearance. Stupid tight dress.
“Dude, you can get away with anything,” said the pirate to the straight-faced ape.
“I meant it as a compliment.”
“That was awesome.” Veronica grabbed Jay by the hand. “Come on. Let’s go find me a drink.”
She winked at me as they ambled away. I gave my attention to the dry, trampled grass and scattered cans for a moment before working up the nerve to say something.
“My dad gave me a cell phone.” And a car. And a ton of money.
Kaidan set the ape head on the ground and pulled his phone from a fuzzy pocket, blowing off brown lint. Then he held his furry thumbs above the buttons and nodded at me. I started to give him my number, but his brow creased in frustration with the big, costumed hands.
“Here,” I said, taking his phone. Saving my number for him gave me a thrill.
He pocketed the cell again and looked at me with curiosity. “How did things go with your father and the training?”
“It went fine. I guess.” I crossed my arms. “I know my drinking limits now and all that.”
He nodded, examining me. I thought I’d feel inconspicuous and hidden in the safety of a costume, but instead I wished I weren’t green. My eyes scouted the crowd. I expected to see the dark shadows of whisperers at any moment, which hastened my need to be frank with Kaidan.
“I understand what you meant now about the dangers of... being together.” I stepped closer. “I didn’t get it then, Kai, but I do now.”
Music started playing, and he shifted toward the stage so he wasn’t quite facing me. His head moved with the beat of the song, and I wondered whether he realized he was doing it.
“I know it’s risky to see each other,” I went on, steady. “But we could
talk on the phone when your father’s not around. If you wanted.”
I braced myself, waiting for his reaction. Hoping.
“That’s not a good idea,” he said, watching the band.
I worried I’d pushed him too far, been too open. Panic rose inside me. Any second now he would start shutting down, and this conversation would be over. I had so much I wanted to say.
Screams came from a group of people nearby. A guy dressed as Yoda was spraying beer from the keg tap at the crowd. Kaidan watched them while I took a step closer. Inches separated us now.
“I think about our trip all the time,” I whispered. He continued to watch the group as they wrestled Yoda to the ground. “Do you ever think about it?”
His eyes roamed over the crowd as he responded. “Sometimes.”
He was pushing me away. My alarm rose to the next level. I grabbed two handfuls of fur from his gorilla chest, wanting him to look at me, but he wouldn’t.
I swallowed my emotions, not letting go. “Why did you invite Jay to this party?”
“I don’t know,” he said.
I gripped the fur tighter, pulling down.
“I can’t keep living like this, Kai. I need to know how you feel. I need to know one way or another so I can have some sort of closure.”
“I thought you’d be over it by now.” When he finally cast his severe gaze down at me, I wanted to pound his chest.
“It doesn’t work like that,” I told him.
He held my eyes and said nothing more. So that was how it was going to be. Fine. I let go of his costume and stepped back. It was dark outside now. Two fire pits were lit, and the flames mocked me with their trippy dance. Smoke drifted our way, thick and choking.
“Don’t invite Jay to any more parties, Kaidan. If there’s even the slightest chance you’ll be there somewhere, I’m not going. It hurts too much to see you.”
“So why did you come?” he asked with little interest.
Why, indeed? The weight of the wig and hat became too much. I pulled them off and let them drop, matted hair falling across my shoulders. I couldn’t think of a single thing to say.
His mouth opened as he registered my chopped, lighter hair, but he quickly shut it.
Sweet Evil Page 26
