by Eva Chase
He made the offer like a proposition and an apology all in one. A lump rose in my throat. Had I jumped too quickly to assuming he saw me as a pity case, that this was all about pumping himself up with heroic generosity? The pleasure he got might be subdued, but I didn’t think he could fake the desire that shone in his face right now.
Maybe I just wasn’t used to the idea that anyone could want me the way I was, the way they were, without it all going wrong.
I drew in a breath and looked to Jenson. His mouth had twisted, but it slowly smoothed out into a smile that reached his eyes.
“Why not?” he said. “How can I say you shouldn’t have everything we can give you?”
I gripped his shirt and pulled him to me. My other hand shifted back to rest on Ryo’s thigh. Jenson captured my mouth again, and Ryo lowered his head to kiss the back of my neck. Their hands traveled over my body, Jenson’s teasing over my ribs and up to the curve of my breast, Ryo’s sliding around to splay across my belly. The flood of sensation from both sides nearly overwhelmed me.
I’d never felt anything like this before, not with any guy I’d been with. No sense of pressure to perform to a certain standard, to prove anything about my loyalty or excitement, just experiencing the moment with them, trusting that we all wanted the same outcome. So different from the casual hook-ups over the last few years.
So different from the anxious knot in my gut with Cade the last two nights.
That last thought sent a jab of guilt through me, as if I were betraying him by admitting the truth even to myself. Then Jenson stroked his fingers right over the peak of my breast and Ryo nipped the crook of my shoulder, and I gave myself over to the moment again.
Jenson drank in my gasp as he swiveled his thumb over my hardening nipple. With a click, Ryo undid my bra. All helpfulness, he tugged up my shirt to give the other guy better access.
As Jenson lowered his head to slick his tongue over my breast, Ryo nibbled a searing path from the corner of my jaw to my earlobe. My breath hitched. Pleasure radiated through me and collected in a burning need between my legs.
As if he could sense that, Ryo slid his hand lower. He ran his fingers over the fly of my jeans and then dipped beneath the thick fabric to caress me through my panties. A blissful quiver raced through me. I arched into his touch, into Jenson’s demanding mouth.
Jenson sucked on my nipple so hard I couldn’t hold back a moan. Then he trailed his kisses lower, down my sternum toward my belly. Ryo flicked open the button of my jeans, and Jenson yanked at them and my panties together. Then he was pressing his mouth to my clit with a confident swipe of his tongue.
An inarticulate noise escaped me. I sagged back into Ryo’s embrace with the rush of pleasure, and he took the opportunity to turn his attention to my chest. He worked me over from the base of my breasts to the peaks with feathery touches while Jenson devoured my sex, and all I could do was cling on, one hand tangled in Jenson’s hair, the other clutching Ryo’s shoulder, adrift in the best possible way.
Somehow, I had it in me to want even more than this. When Jenson paused for breath, I wriggled the rest of the way out of my jeans. Then I pulled him back up over me. Ryo eased my head down into his lap, caressing my shoulders as Jenson and I kissed. I reached for him, but he only kissed my palm and brought my hand back to the other guy’s shoulder.
All giving, no taking. But from what he’d said, maybe the giving was what got him off at all these days.
Jenson’s cock pressed hard against the fly of his slacks. I stroked it through the fabric, and his breath stuttered against my lips. When I fumbled with the zipper, he kissed me even harder. The longing to be filled drowned out every other sensation inside me.
He paused for a moment after I’d freed him from his pants, gazing down at me as he slipped his fingers between my legs, not that there should be any doubt at this point that I was more than wet. His expression was so unlike the usual him, so adoring, that my heart skipped a beat.
“How can anyone be this beautiful?” he said, like he honestly couldn’t believe it. He bowed over me again, tipping my mouth to meet his as he slid into me.
My knees came up instinctively to brace against his hips. He plunged a little deeper, and pleasure crackled through me like a wildfire. Ryo’s hands kept stroking my shoulders, my sides, teasing through my hair, while Jenson thrust into me and I rocked with his rhythm, and the whole world narrowed down to the flames lit by these two guys.
This was what sex should be. Whether I deserved it or not, whether they’d still want me when they knew everything or not—no one should settle for less than this unrestrained bliss.
I bucked up, chasing my release, and Jenson blazed into me straight to the perfect spot inside. Just like that, I came apart, still swaying with him, shaking with the burst of ecstasy. He groaned and thrust harder, his mouth crashing into mine as he found his own release.
Jenson settled over me, his sweat-damp forehead tipped to mine. Ryo ran his fingers over my hair. Only scattered notes of birdsong carried through the rasp of our breaths. I clung on to the remains of the moment as tightly as I could, under the weight of the knowledge that whatever joy I’d found here might not last for long.
Chapter Seventeen
Trix
As I approached the Composition classroom, my heart thumped faster. The test I’d planned was a tiny one that would only take a second, but it could have a hell of an impact on my time here—and how much more of that time I got to remember. If the professors realized how much I’d pieced together…
I had to keep it quick and quiet with plenty of plausible deniability. Act like nothing momentous had happened. Fuck, did I wish I had Jenson’s practiced confidence to pull an act like this off.
I slowed near the doorway. Professor Hubert was sitting at her desk just a few feet inside, turned mostly away from me, her hand propping up her chin as she considered a piece of paper in her hand. I paused and then said, clearly but only loud enough that it should just reach her ears, “Mildred?”
Hubert’s head snapped around in an instant, the heap of her hair swaying with the movement. Her pale face looked even grayer than usual. I ambled on through the doorway, propelling the follow-up I’d planned onto my tongue before she could react more than that.
“Hi, professor! Sorry if I startled you. I just had some other ideas I thought I could share with you.”
She blinked at me, her shock turning her gaze more anxious than penetrating. “What did you say just a moment ago? What name did you call me?”
I stared back at her with the most puzzled expression I could produce. “A name? I didn’t say anything until just now. There were some other students talking in the hall—maybe you heard them.”
The tension ebbed from the professor’s stance. She shook her head with apparent ruefulness, but her eyes stayed distant. “That must have been it.”
I couldn’t help nudging her a little more. “Are you all right?” From that reaction—you wouldn’t startle like that hearing a relative’s name. She’d responded as if she expected someone had been addressing her.
The woman—or whatever she really was—going by Professor Hubert now had once been Mildred Christoph. Had gone by that name recently enough that it still registered as hers.
So how was it she looked no more than thirty years older than a girl who’d been eighteen nearly a hundred years ago? Which of the other students had become which staff members? Was there an eighth presence on campus that lurked around us completely unnamed and unseen? As I waited for Hubert’s response, a crawling sensation ran over my skin.
“Oh, yes, of course,” Hubert said with a dismissive wave. “What is it you wanted to bring up with me?”
The awkward moment had the side benefit of making her eager to change the subject. I was perfectly happy to let that work in my favor. I grabbed the nearest chair and pulled it over to her desk.
Had I set her off-balance enough that she might let something else useful spill? I gave
her my brightest smile and said, “I was just wondering if you’d ever considered using topics to do with the school? I mean, rather than more general moments. It seems like it might be interesting to see what people make of, well, everything.”
Hubert cocked her head. “Like what, for example?”
“Oh, I don’t know, like… I mean, Tolerance class has to provoke some pretty strong emotions. That’s kind of the point, as far as I can tell.” I didn’t have to employ any acting techniques to restrain a shudder. “Or even our surroundings—the building is awfully atmospheric, you’ve got to admit. And that rosebush that’s basically taken over the wall…”
I watched her expression carefully as I listed off those possibilities. When I mentioned the rosebush, Hubert’s mouth tightened. Her eyes hazed again, just for a second. “Better not to meddle too much with the roses, or they’ll meddle with you,” she muttered under her breath, and then laughed as if to cover that remark. “Well. Those are certainly some ideas I can take into account. You’ve gotten rather invested in this class, haven’t you?”
She studied me even more carefully than before. For a second, I felt as if she were searching for something in my face. Trying to turn the conversation around to focus on me, maybe hoping I hadn’t caught her momentary lapse. I shrugged, pretending I hadn’t, but my thoughts spun. What exactly was her association with the twisted plant growing in the basement? That comment hadn’t sounded all that appreciative of it.
But if she saw roses as something that could meddle with even her life, I obviously hadn’t been wrong in thinking the bush downstairs was a key component to the staff’s power. Maybe the real question was whether they were using it or it was using them.
“I think it’s interesting hearing what people come up with,” I said, and rubbed my arms as if this line of questioning made me uneasy. “It’s gotten me thinking about a lot of things in my own life. Maybe… maybe we don’t take a hard enough look at ourselves as often as we should.”
Hubert gave me a strange glance that I couldn’t read. It could be she was simply startled to hear me say something like that when I’d resisted the school’s efforts to break me down so often before.
“I think that’s absolutely correct,” she said. “And it’s a fact that I do my best to change. You can’t grow from your mistakes if you refuse to confront them.”
“You” not “we,” I noted. Did she figure she’d never made any mistakes she should have to face up to, or that she’d faced up to them already?
Either way, she was done talking. She gestured for me to put the chair back. “Class will be starting soon. Why don’t you pick your seat?”
Not a problem. I’d already learned more than I’d dared to hope I would.
The sense of accomplishment and the lingering high from my morning interlude with Jenson and Ryo both faded the second I stepped into the woods by hazy moonlight. My lungs constricted a little more with each step toward Cade.
I shouldn’t feel this way, not about him. He’d never forced me to do anything. I’d decided that showing how much I cared about him mattered more than how far I’d have wanted to take our relationship if he hadn’t asked for more.
So why did the thought of telling him “No” now set off a flare of panic in my chest?
It wasn’t as if I’d hated everything we’d done. A vague uneasiness didn’t seem like that big a deal, not when he’d done so much for me—when he’d been the only person I could count on for so long. How much could I even rely on the three guys I’d connected with here at Roseborne anyway? Cade had always said we couldn’t completely trust anyone but each other, and I hadn’t met anyone who’d proved that wrong yet.
But I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to be kissed and touched and wherever else the brief time we had together tonight might lead if I went along with it from the start. Not with conflicted uncertainty clutching my insides. Not with the memory of Jenson and Ryo devoting themselves to my enjoyment lingering so fresh in my mind.
The arguments chased themselves around and around in my head as I picked my way through the darkened forest. The breeze was absent tonight, the still air almost warm with its lacing of rose perfume and a hint of cedar from the trees around me. Other than the rasp of my feet and an occasional scampering in the brush, no sound reached me.
Then a mournful, moaning howl rose up so nearby that my legs locked automatically. A chill raced down my spine.
It wasn’t half past midnight yet. Cade was still trapped in his monstrous form. At least, I assumed that had been him. Surely someone would have told me if there were other transformed students prowling around in the woods.
Whatever had provoked the howl, the melancholy mood appeared to have left Cade when I found him in our little grove. He walked halfway to me and then stopped, looking at me expectantly. Anything other than going right to him, he’d take as a rejection.
So I crossed the distance and let him wrap me in his arms. God, I could use a hug. I closed my eyes as I leaned into his muscular frame, imagining us back through twelve years of history when everything had been so much simpler.
“I didn’t realize how much I missed having a real life until I had you in it again,” Cade said in a low voice. “You make all the other shit here bearable, Trix. You and me were never meant to be pulled apart.”
I opened my mouth to agree, but he was already nuzzling my cheek and claiming a kiss. His lips pressed against mine insistently, and this time even the quavering warmth his affection usually brought didn’t spark. Every nerve in my body resisted, clamoring louder when his hand trailed down over my breasts to the hem of my shirt.
I eased my mouth back from his. “Cade,” I said, quiet but firm. “I think—”
“What’s there to think about?” His fingers teased up under my shirt to trace the curve of my breast through my bra. “You know how good I can make you feel.”
My breath stuttered, but more with nerves than pleasure. He tugged me closer, an unmistakable bulge brushing my hip. My hands fisted against his shoulders. “It’s just—”
His other hand dipped down to settle on the button of my jeans. “It’s been torture, waiting for you. A whole fucking year. I need to be as close to you as I can get. I need to see you lit up like no one else ever could. You’ve gone without for so long. Let me remind you how it’s supposed to be.”
Those words echoed my thoughts from this morning so well and yet for all the wrong reasons—and all at once I was jerking back from him, holding him at arm’s length with my hand braced against his chest, my pulse racing faster than a bullet train.
I did know how it was supposed to be. I had been lit up, more than I’d ever been with him.
Cade stared at me, the surprise and pain that flashed across his face so stark that my stomach flipped over. I’d hesitated before; I’d tensed up without even meaning to. This was the first time I’d put any real distance between us so forcefully. Guilt surged up through me into my throat.
“I’m sorry,” I blurted out. “I don’t think we should do that anymore. Not when there’s so much else going on. We should be focused on how to get out of this place.”
The excuse didn’t soften Cade’s expression of betrayal. “You know how much I’ve missed you, Baby Bea. I thought you’d missed me just as much.”
“Of course I have,” I said. “That’s why I want to help you.”
He took a step toward me, forcing me to drop my arm, his voice dipping low again. “This does help me. It helps both of us—remembering what we can be together. I shouldn’t have thrown it away before—I’m sorry. It’s never been the same with anyone else.”
How much had I longed to hear those words when he’d first started dating Sylvie? My throat closed up. He was willing to give so much to me, so why couldn’t I do this one thing that would make him happy?
“Maybe, after we’re free from here,” I heard myself saying.
He flinched. “You think you can do better than me. That’s it, isn’t i
t? You’ve let the guys who get to have you the other twenty-three hours of the day get into your head, convince you that they’re worth something. Where the hell were they for the last twelve years? What have they done for you, really?”
“It’s not like that,” I protested, even though it sort of was. My pulse thumped on, dizzying me.
“You’re always going to be the same girl you’ve always been, Trix,” Cade said, his tone hardening. “Who other than me ever decided you were worth sticking around for? They’re not going to be any different. You can’t let them break us apart.”
“That’s not what I’m doing. I don’t want to lose you, Cade. I just—”
I just needed to find the right words so he’d understand I wasn’t really pushing him away. That I still loved him as much as I ever had. My mind whirled, stirring up a nausea that reminded me uncomfortably of the night I’d called Sylvie out, set up my little scenario meant to terrify her.
Everything had been slipping through my fingers, then and now. Cade had been slipping away from me. All I’d been able to focus on was groping for something, anything that might make a difference.
“You’ve just changed.” Cade drew back. “It’s been a while. You’ve had a chance to live your life without me. That’s okay. It’s good for me to see what I actually mean to you—or don’t. We’ve always been honest with each other.”
“Cade, please, listen to me,” I said. “I want to love you like a brother. I do love you like a brother. That’s all I mean. And I love you so much. You’ve been everything to me. I’d never forget that.”
“I’m not just your brother,” he said. “I proved I can be so much more than that. You could see that before.”
I had. So many times, I’d let myself get wrapped up in this not-quite-relationship we’d had to keep carefully secret. In a way, the secrecy had brought a thrill to it that made it more tolerable. Was it really fair that I was taking away now what I’d given before?
