We tousled for what could have been hours, but in all likelihood was probably only minutes. Manic rage aside, it really was very hot. Luna watched from the sidelines with her hands on her hips, unsure whether to step in or just let whatever was happening run its course.
When we were finally finished, we lay down next to each other on the sand, gasping. It felt like every part of me was sweating. I didn’t know I had that much fluid inside me. The human body is amazing.
‘Well,’ said Dex between gasps, ‘I think we all learned an important lesson here.’
I didn’t say anything. We were screwed; doomed to spend what little remained of our lives slowly roasting to death on what was very likely the most nondescript planet in the entire galaxy. I mean, true, it wasn’t like I had many aspirations to begin with. But now I’d never have the chance to grow old and resent all the life choices I never made, to mourn the missed opportunity of all those life aspirations I’d never had to begin with. That had been taken from me. I would have cried, if I’d had the fluid to spare.
‘We’re going to die here, aren’t we?’
‘Not necessarily,’ said Dex. ‘You see that up there?’ He pointed to a random stretch of sky above us. Nothing particularly noteworthy about it. ‘That there’s a bypass for the Intergalactic Highway. Traders use it from time to time. All we got to do is wait for one of those guys to happen by and signal them, see if they’re willing to make a trade. And then—boom. We’re shitting stardust.’
He dragged himself to his feet, paused a moment to brush himself down before reaching back and offering me a hand.
When I was on my feet, I offered a small smile. ‘Sorry—you know, for hitting you. I’m not usually like that.’
‘What, are you kidding? That was some serious gusto you showed back there. And the way you punched me in the balls like that? I’m proud of you, Bif.’
‘Umm…’
‘I’m serious. I am hella impressed right now—but onto more serious matters. By last count, we’ve only got enough food for around the next three and a half months. Which means it’s very likely that at some point we’re going to have to consider eating each other to stay alive. Personally, I vote Luna.’
‘Dex…’
He held up his hands. ‘Or not! I’m just saying, it’s something we may have to consider. And have you seen the butt on her? That there’s a day’s dinner all by itself.’
‘You know I can hear everything you’re saying, right?’ said Luna, sitting propped against Steve’s hull, arms folded.
Dex ignored her. He looked out across the sand, where myriad dunes rose and fell like waves churning on an endless golden tide. ‘Either way, looks like we’re going to be here for a while, so you might want to get comfortable. Things from here on out are probably going to get rough.’
The following few days passed in the agonizing crawl of a sickly turtle.
Dex promptly got to work on repairs for Steve, hammering and welding and, as in most occasions, simply kicking at the many unsightly cracks adorning the ship’s hull while Luna and I watched on in silence, unacquainted with all things ship repair. Every so often he’d take a break when his beer ran empty, or he had to go pee. But otherwise, it was pretty much go-go. I had to admit, except for the whole “excessive-drinking” part, it was almost impressive.
In the downtime between ship-kickings, we’d share what little in the way of rations we had, rations consisting exclusively of something Dex referred to as “space burritos”; essentially just your normal, everyday burrito, only twice the size, and instead of a tortilla, they were wrapped in what appeared to be large, purple leaves. How he knew what a burrito was, or how he’d managed to survive for so long with said burritos his only source of food, again, I have no idea. But when it comes to Dex, I got the feeling sometimes it was better not to know the answers.
On occasions when the sun grew too hot, we’d all go hunker beneath Steve’s wing, where we’d each of us try in vain not to think about what dying from dehydration would feel like.
Another funny thing about this planet—there’s no nighttime. Every time the sun would set, another would immediately rise to take its place—passing the baton, you could say—leaving us constantly bathed in harsh sunlight.
But that wasn’t even the worst part.
The worst part was the boredom.
Bad enough we were forced to endure merciless heat twenty-four-seven, but with nothing to take our minds off it, it was all we could do not to just go find the nearest volcano and throw ourselves headfirst into it, grateful for the reprieve. There was nowhere to go, nothing to do, and spending any more than twenty minutes inside Steve at a time was apt to leave you with a skull-shattering migraine. I’m not saying it was Hell, per se. But man, it was close.
‘So—Luna,’ said Dex one sweltering afternoon. It was the third day after crash-landing. We’d spent all afternoon assisting Dex blowtorch Steve’s underbelly, and were now sitting under the wing again, sharing a thermos-type cup between us filled with what may have been iced tea, if iced tea were black and made you gag with every swig. So probably not iced tea, then. ‘What’s your story? How’d a gal like you end up in one of the most notorious prisons this side of the galaxy? I take it that sort of thing doesn’t just happen by chance, am I right?’
Luna shrugged. She’d changed her clothes by this point, her blue skin now shielded from the sun’s rays by a tight-fitting, purple spandex bodysuit, courtesy of Dex. It was one he’d picked out for her especially. Why that particular suit, despite the fact it looked too small for even him to wear anymore, is anyone’s guess. I had a pretty good feeling I knew why, though.
‘Not much to tell, really,’ she said, handing back the thermos. ‘Worked for a mercenary group a couple years back. Real ragtag crew. Called ourselves the “Rowdy Seven”. Mostly drunks and vets from the Virilo Wars, but we got along all right. Went everywhere together, did everything together. We were almost like a family.’
‘So what changed? If it was so cozy, why’d you leave?’
She shrugged. ‘Honestly? I got tired of it. All of it. Every job we did got just that little bit more depraved, you know? As time went on, the others—they began to change. Grew cold. There was even talk of moving onto assassinations…’
‘And that’s when you left?’ I said, somewhat hopefully.
‘More or less. We talked first. I voiced my concerns—for all the good it did. We were little more than marauders by this point, taking any job that came our way, providing the price was right. Somehow they managed to talk me into one last gig. Some “big payoff”.’
Dex scoffed. ‘And let me guess, it was a trap?’
‘Uh-huh. Hauled me out to the edge of the Rim, then once the score was collected, shot me in the gut and left me to take the fall. Fast forward a couple years, and, well—here I am.’
I looked down at the thermos in my hand, suddenly queasy. ‘That’s awful.’
Luna shrugged, but said nothing. After a moment, she turned back to me. ‘What about you?’
‘Me?’ It was such an unexpected question. Nobody had ever asked me about myself before.
‘What did you do before all this?’
‘Not much, really. My dad died before I was born. Then my mom, when I was nine. That’s when I moved in with Aunt Loretta; though to be honest I don’t think she even remembers I exist half the time. Then, of course, there’s Todd…’
‘Todd?’
‘Some kid at my school. He, uh, likes to pick on me sometimes. But not just me. Everyone. I think he has emotional problems. Like this one time, after gym class, he taped Miles Sanders to the bleachers and left him there for the entire weekend. I think he almost died.’
‘Sounds like a nice guy,’ said Luna.
‘Ha. Yeah.’ I looked around at Dex, who was suddenly all quiet, an expression on his face like he’d just tasted something unpleasant. Or maybe that was just the hangover finally kicking in. I mean, it had to at some point, right? ‘Dex?’
&nbs
p; He caught me looking and raised an eyebrow. ‘Hmm?’
‘You okay? You looked a little spaced-out there for a second.’
‘Me?’ He scoffed. ‘I’m fine. My penis is enormous, Bif. And wide. SO WIDE. Like a Yurca tree. How can I not be fine?’
‘It is not that big,’ mumbled Luna, looking away.
‘Luna. Seriously. A Yurca tree—and I’d be careful what you say, if I were you; last guy talked shit about my penis, I stabbed him to death.’
‘Please don’t say with your…’
‘WITH MY PENIS. That’s right. It’s so big it has its own identity. It goes on vacation without me. I’d whip it out and show you right now, but in our current condition the shock would probably kill you outright—Bif, most certainly.’
‘Can we please stop talking about your penis for one second?’ I said. ‘God, it’s like it’s all you ever talk about…’
‘Luna started it.’
‘You know what?’ said Luna, jumping to her feet. ‘That’s it. You’ve had it in for me from the moment we met. So spill; what’s your deal?’
‘Don’t answer that, Bif. It’s a trap.’
‘I WAS TALKING TO YOU, ASSHOLE!’
‘OH, YOU WANT TO KNOW?!’ shouted Dex, jumping to his feet also. ‘DO YOU?! BECAUSE I WILL WHIP OUT MY PENIS RIGHT NOW, LUNA. I’M SERIOUS—JUST SAY THE WORD, AND IT’S BALLS O’ CLOCK.’ They were right in each others’ faces now, staring each other down like wrestlers about to go at it.
I sighed. ‘Guys…’
‘NO, BIF! THIS BROAD SWANS IN, ACTING LIKE SHE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW WHAT A DUO IS. MAKES ME SICK. SICK, I TELLS YA.’
‘OH YEAH?!’ cried Luna. ‘WELL AT LEAST I’M NOT—’
She froze.
I saw the expression on her face. ‘Uh, Luna? Everything okay?’
Her limbs were rigid, her eyes wide. She could have been a mannequin.
She tilted her gaze down at her feet—
Then she was gone.
It happened so fast it was almost imperceptible. One moment she was just standing there, poised in her indignation. The next she was disappearing into the sand, vanishing so instantly it was like she’d just fallen through a trapdoor.
Dex and I let out a startled yelp and jumped back.
We stared at the spot she’d until only moments ago been standing.
‘WHAT THE CRAP?!’ I shrieked, my voice coming out like a knife dragged over a china plate. ‘WHERE’D SHE GO?!’ I clawed frantically at the sand. ‘LUNA!’
‘BIF!’
We snapped our gazes out across the sprawling desert landscape to our right, where less than fifty yards away, a still partially submerged Luna was desperately fighting to pull herself out of the sand.
Wait, what?
We booked it for her at once, feet dragging in the sand with every step, sending clumps of it flying out behind us as we ran.
Whatever had her must have heard our approach, because it began trying to haul her further into the desert, sand spraying as it whipped her around. Immediately I was reminded of that opening scene in Jaws, where the naked chick gets thrown about as the shark goes at her. I didn’t want to believe “sand sharks” were a thing, too. But with everything else I’d seen lately, I knew it wasn’t off the table.
We reached her finally, Dex and I grabbing an arm each, and began to pull. It was like trying to uproot a tree. Just no give whatsoever. Sand flew. Backs strained. And still—nothing. Whatever we were dealing with, it was clearly strong. And big.
Sand-sharks!
‘IT’S GOT ME!’ cried Luna. Her eyes were twin moons in her face. ‘IT’S GOT ME, BIF!’
‘JUST HOLD ON! EVERYTHING’S GOING TO BE FINE! WE’RE ALMOST—’
With a final spray of sand, she disappeared under the surface.
I stared at the spot she’d been standing, my hands held limply out in front of me, as if suddenly unsure of their purpose.
Then before I knew it, I was throwing myself at the sand again, fingers scooping up huge handfuls before tossing them either side of me. ‘LUNA! LUNA!’
But it was no good.
Luna was gone.
I leaned back on my knees, suddenly exhausted. Everything was sweating. My clothes clung to me, all wet and sticky. I could have just climbed out of the ocean.
Dex put his hands on his hips and sighed. ‘Well—guess that’s her screwed. Come on, Bif. Let’s go grab us a beer.’
‘You want to just leave her?!’
‘Sure—why not?’
‘Because...’
I suddenly struggled to find the words. True, she had almost single-handedly saved our butts while back on Ouebos Five—something that was arguably reason enough. But did that mean we were honor-bound to now go chase after… whatever the heck it was just dragged her screaming into the desert? Was it immoral to just up and leave her to whatever grizzly fate awaited her, or just plain common sense?
I gave a long, slow shake of my head.
I always knew my compassion would be the end of me.
I sighed. ‘We just can’t.’
Dex held my gaze a moment, looking like he was going to protest some more. But he must have seen something on my face, because he sighed. ‘Oh—fine. But if I end up becoming some sand-monster’s bitch, I’m going to be very upset, Bif. Fair warning. I will be one unhappy customer.’
I looked out across the sprawling desert. All that endless sand.
I just hoped we weren’t already too late.
6
We walked for what felt like hours, our progress marked by an endless trail of footprints in the sand behind us. The sun continued to beat down on our backs as we walked, the heat so heavy and oppressive we could feel it pressing down on our heads like an actual, physical weight. Each step was a mammoth effort, sheer willpower about the only thing currently keeping us both from falling flat on our faces.
I thought about water. It’s funny; nobody ever thinks about how awesome water is until it’s not around anymore. Right at that moment, I would have sold my soul for one drip of sweat as ran through a hobo’s butt crack.
We walked. We groaned. We sweated.
And it was then, right as we were nearing the ends of our endurance, that we saw it.
Dex spotted it first. He shielded his eyes with a hand. ‘Wait, is that what I think it is?’
It was. A cave. Poking up out of the sand, reminding me, in no small way, of a mouth.
He turned to me, sweat-glistened face suddenly slack. ‘Call it a hunch, Bif. But I’d bet my left nut whatever kidnapped Luna took her in there.’
I stared at the cave again, a sudden uneasy feeling in my gut. I didn’t want to go in there—and not just because of how terribly like a mouth it looked, though it did. Call it ESP or intuition or what, but I suddenly had a very bad feeling.
But of course, if we didn’t go, Luna would be doomed.
Goddamnit.
A couple breathless moments later, and we were stepping inside, feeling the heat that had plagued us for the entirety of our time here now being replaced with a coolness that was almost transcendent. I didn’t think I’d ever been so grateful for shade in my whole life—even if that shade did happen to come in the form of a very dark and very spooky cave.
We used the walls to guide us as we ventured deeper inside. It should have been pitch black by this point, the cave’s entrance now long in our rearviews. But here’s the thing—the walls? They were luminous. A faint bluish glow radiated from every surface—not a lot, true—but enough to see by. It reminded me a little of detective shows I used to watch sometimes back growing up, how the crime scene guys would wave their strange lights around as they searched for hidden clues and sperm.
It was blacklight.
‘Are you seeing this?’ I said, staring around at it all.
Dex lifted a hand and wiped a finger over the wall closet to us, the tip coming back glowing. He frowned. ‘Hmm. Strange; it would appear the walls here are coated in glowy weird shit, Bif.’
We continued deeper into the cave, shoes padding the fine sand. After a while I became aware of a smell, wafting from somewhere further in back; what smelled suspiciously like what can only be described as “hot meat”. I wondered if someone was cooking hamburgers down here. I thought I could have gone for a hamburger right about then.
‘So what do you think this thing is?’ I said, turning to Dex steadily keeping pace beside me. ‘The thing that took Luna, I mean? And how come Steve didn’t pick it up during the scan?’
‘My best bet would be because it’s below ground,’ said Dex. ‘Steve’s scanners are only programmed to pick up movement on the surface, not below it. As for what it is, I have no idea. But clearly, it prefers creatures with a higher than average body mass index. You see the trunk Luna’s carrying? I mean, not to be an ass about it or anything, but—’
We rounded the corner and immediately froze.
We were in some large chamber. About the size of your average football stadium, with long rocky columns jutting up from the floor in haphazard places. Growths like calcified icicles hung from the ceiling, looking very old, almost like they’d been there since the beginning of time itself. All covered in more of that, as Dex put it, “glowy weird shit”.
And below them, spread randomly around like toys after a toddler’s play session, were ships.
There was a moment where neither of us spoke as our brains fought to take in exactly what it was we were seeing. There are many things one expects to see while traveling underground in a black-lit alien cave. A literal ship graveyard, however? Yeah, not so much.
‘Holy crap,’ I whispered. ‘It’s like a plunderer’s paradise!’ I glanced around at all the many ships and vehicles lying before us. Big ones. Little ones. Ones that looked like they had once belonged to even bigger, larger vessels. Among them I spied what looked suspiciously like a landspeeder, only that couldn’t be, because this wasn’t Star Wars.
‘Some of this stuff is ancient,’ said Dex, beginning to look around. He poked his head into a ship shaped uncannily like a gigantic, metal portaloo. ‘This guy must have been picking people off for decades—assuming for a moment it is just one guy, of course, which I’m starting to think now may not be the case.’
Dan and Frankie Save the World Page 6
