He led her into the building, and they spent half an hour wandering around the museum because she didn’t remember it being built. They studied the displays that told the story of the Europeans’ arrival in New Zealand, and the creation of the Treaty between them and Maori, along with the issues surrounding some of its wording that continued to cause problems.
After that, they took the wooden walkway through the bush, listening to the tuis and kererus calling in the ferns that arched above their heads, and then went up to the large lawn where the flagstaff marked the place where the Treaty was signed. There was a beautiful view right across the Bay of Islands, and Rafe took her to the far side. They could see an ocean liner visiting the bay, and a hundred fishing boats making their way to and from Paihia and Russell.
He stopped her there and turned to face her. “This is where I first said I love you.”
Her eyebrows rose. “Really?”
“Right here. I’ll say it again now. I love you, Phoebe Goldsmith. Whatever happens over the next week or two, remember that. I want to stand in front of our family and friends and promise to love you for the rest of my life.”
She blinked a few times, then opened her mouth and said “I—”
He put a finger to her lips. “Don’t say it because you feel sorry for me.”
Her expression softened. “I don’t deserve you.”
“You don’t know how many times I’ve said that to you. I’m nothing special, sweetheart.” He took her hand. “Come on. It’s a beautiful day. Let’s have a walk around and then we’ll go back to the car. I don’t want you to get too tired.”
Chapter Fourteen
They spent the rest of the morning exploring Waitangi, had some lunch in the cafe, and then called in at the doctor’s surgery on the way home for her appointment.
“Hello, Phoebe.” Dr. Angus McGregor smiled at her as she came into the room. He was a tall, slender guy with short brown hair and a kind face. He was probably only early thirties, she thought, but he had a very young face. He also had a mild Scottish accent that had presumably mellowed after years spent in New Zealand. “It’s good to see you. I’ve been so worried.”
She took the seat next to his desk. Rafe had told her that Angus was not only her doctor but a close friend with whom they sometimes went out socially. Yet another person who knew intimate details about her, but whom she didn’t remember.
“Um… thank you.” She cleared her throat. “I should point out that I’m very sorry, but I don’t remember you.” It was becoming a common phrase.
His expression softened. “That’s okay. I was so sorry to hear about your accident. How are you feeling?”
“I’m okay, physically anyway. As well as can be expected.”
“Let’s check you over, shall we?”
He took her blood pressure and temperature, then spent some time looking at her bumps and grazes. Finally, he said, “Let’s have a look at the wound.”
She turned in the seat, drew her hair aside, and let him peel away the dressing. She felt his fingers prodding gently.
“It looks very good.” He went over to a drawer and retrieved a clean dressing. “Considering the accident was only five days ago, it’s healing well.” He wiped around the wound, peeled the backing off the dressing, and placed it carefully. “Your hair is already growing back. I think after this dressing comes off, you’ll probably be all right leaving it open as it’s not weeping. How are the headaches?”
She lowered her hair over it, and watched him sit back down. “Manageable, with the pills they gave me. A lot better than they were the first day.”
“Good. Now, you said ‘physically anyway’,” he commented. “How are you doing otherwise? How are you sleeping?”
“The first couple of nights were very restless, but I’ve been better since…”
He raised an eyebrow.
“Since I shared a bed with Rafe,” she admitted, her face warming.
Angus just nodded. “And mentally? Emotionally?”
“I don’t know. I feel… confused a lot of the time. It takes me ages to process my thoughts.”
“That’s perfectly understandable, and nothing to be worried about.” She hesitated, and he leaned forward, his elbows on his knees. “What is it, Phoebe?”
“Rafe said you’re a good friend.”
“That’s true. I’m giving you away at your wedding.” He smiled.
She stared at him. “Oh! I didn’t realize that!”
“Well, what with your father having passed away last year… I spent a lot of time with you and your family. I know I’m not exactly your father’s age,” and his lips twisted, “but you asked me because Elliot is Rafe’s best man, and Dominic is performing the ceremony.”
She shifted on the chair. “It feels a bit odd. I’m not sure I feel comfortable, you know, talking about… stuff.”
His smile faded. “If you’d rather see someone else, I understand. It must be very difficult for you at the moment, not knowing who to trust.”
“That’s exactly it.”
“I can only imagine. All I can say is that I’ve been your doctor since I started practicing here. I’m your doctor first and foremost, and anything you say in here is strictly confidential.” He tipped his head to the side. “Is this about Rafe?”
“Yes. No. Sort of.”
“Well, that clears that up.” He smiled.
She looked at her hands. “We’re supposed to be getting married in a week.”
“Are you having second thoughts?”
“I don’t know what to think. I wish it was more than seven days away, so I had more time. But everything’s booked, and Rafe would be so disappointed if I postponed it.”
“You have to think about what’s best for you,” Angus said gently. “But I know that doesn’t come naturally to you.”
She surveyed him, feeling for a moment as if she was lost in a maze in the mist, with no hope of seeing the way out. “How would you describe me? As a person?”
“Smart. Driven. Confident. Funny.”
“You’ve seen us together. Me and Rafe?”
“Of course.”
“I know this is a strange question, but what’s our relationship like?”
It wasn’t really the sort of question she should be asking her doctor, but she wanted an honest answer, not what her family thought she wanted to hear.
“When you’re in the room, Rafe can’t take his eyes off you,” Angus said. “When you’re apart, you’re all he talks about. I’ve known him for a long time, and I’ve never seen him like this with anyone else.”
Warmth spread through her. It was one thing for Rafe to tell her this, but another for someone else to confirm it. “And what am I like with him?”
“You love to tease him. You flirt with him all the time, pushing his buttons. There’s a lot of electricity between the two of you.”
“Did I change much after my father died?”
He tipped his head from side to side. “You became more serious. Quieter. Your fitness levels increased by about eighty percent.”
“What was Rafe’s reaction to that?”
“He supported you all the way, from what I could see. I really don’t think you have any worries there. But I can see that something’s bothering you.”
She sucked her bottom lip. “It’s just a gut feeling, but I have nothing to base it on. I do trust him. I suppose the question is do I trust myself? Do I carry on with my life believing that the decisions I’ve made are the right ones? At the moment, I have no desire to continue training. And the thought of committing myself to a man I’ve only just met seems crazy. But I find myself drawn to him in spite of that. When he’s in the room, it’s as if he shines so brightly I can’t see anything else. I know that sounds overly romantic, but it’s true. And I don’t know if that’s because of what we had, or just because he’s such a strong character.”
“Well, I don’t feel like th
at when he’s in the room,” Angus said, and smiled. “We know so little about memory. It’s possible that those connections with the past are still stored somewhere in your brain. Who knows if you remember Rafe in other ways?”
She rubbed her nose. “He said I’ve had an IUD fitted.”
Angus checked the screen. “Yes. About a year ago. A hormonal one. You told me you like it because your periods are light-to-nonexistent, which is useful when you’re running a lot.”
“How is my health in general?”
“Excellent. I’ve only seen you here a couple of times. Once for a chest infection after a cold. Once to check on a mole, which was fine.”
“So… with this in mind…” She touched the back of her head. “Is there any reason I shouldn’t… you know… with Rafe…” Her face burned.
Angus gave a small smile. “Of course not. The most important thing at the moment is for you to relax. I’m sure lovemaking would help with that.”
She examined her hands, embarrassed.
“Just remember that anything you feel is normal,” he said. “It’s common to have a decreased sex drive after a brain injury, and some people have trouble becoming aroused, and may be unable to reach a climax. Sex engages all of our senses, and it’s not unusual for your feelings to change.”
She swallowed hard, not sure if she wanted to know that.
“Nothing’s set in stone,” he said hurriedly. “My best advice would be to do what feels right. Don’t let Rafe or anyone else push you into anything you’re not ready for. You have all the time in the world to get better. You could have been killed, Phoebe. But you weren’t, you’re here and you’re alive, and that’s wonderful. It doesn’t matter if it takes six months or a year for you to return to your old life, and it doesn’t matter if you never do. You can’t live old Phoebe’s life for her. Today is all that matters. Follow your heart, and you won’t go far wrong.”
*
“What did Angus say?” Rafe asked when they were back in the car, and he was driving her home.
“I’m doing as well as can be expected. He told me I mustn’t have sex for at least six months.” She looked at him, and burst out laughing at the look on his face.
He gave her a wry look and returned his gaze to the road. “You’re such a tease.”
“He did tell me to take my time, and only do what I’m ready for.”
“That sounds like good advice.”
She looked out of the window. You can’t live old Phoebe’s life for her. It was good advice. No second guessing, or worrying about what she would or wouldn’t have done before. Today is all that matters. Follow your heart, and you won’t go far wrong. Angus was right. All she had was her gut feeling, and she was going to trust that and do what felt right.
When they got in, Rafe directed her to the bedroom, saying she looked tired, and she didn’t argue. She fell asleep quickly, and to her relief, she didn’t dream, and awoke refreshed and feeling brighter.
Dominic rang, and she chatted to him for a while, and then not long after, Roberta called to see how she was getting on. Phoebe kept the conversation light, pleased to hear from her, but she was conscious that her twin hadn’t yet rung her. She found it unsettling, because in the past when they weren’t together they were contacting each other constantly. Bianca must really resent her leaving to get another job, she thought sadly. She was going to have to talk to her about it at some point. Maybe in a couple of days, when Rafe went back on day shift. She’d have more time to herself then to see her friends and family, and make her final decision for the wedding the following week.
That evening, she and Rafe cooked dinner together, which was fun, and after they’d eaten, they cuddled up on the sofa to watch another movie.
“I don’t mind if you want to go out with your mates or something,” she said as he scrolled through to find something they would both enjoy.
“I’m happy here, with you,” he said. “And don’t think I’ve forgotten our conversation earlier today. I still intend to show you my stress remedy.” He gave her an amused glance.
She inhaled as her heart skipped a beat. “I told you, Angus said no sex for six months.”
“Well, a) I don’t believe you, b) I don’t even think he’s a real doctor, and c) I know you better than he does. You have a high sex drive and you need to let off steam. It’s purely medicinal.”
“Jesus.”
“One orgasm, twice a day. He would’ve written you a prescription for it if he could.”
She pushed him. “Stop talking about sex and choose a movie.”
He chuckled and picked one. “Okay. But come here. I want a cuddle.”
Unable to resist him, she let him pull her to his side, and rested her head on his shoulder. It was as if he were a magnet and she were made of iron, drawn to him by forces beyond her control. Was she stupid to fight them? He was so gorgeous, and he smelled so good…
You have a high sex drive and you need to let off steam. It was true that she felt on edge, and she couldn’t deny that the thought of getting intimate with him excited her. But it worried her a little that Angus had also said her injury might affect her ability to get aroused or have a climax. Maybe the tension that an orgasm brought with it would increase her headache. She didn’t know what was normal, or what she was expected to feel. How was she supposed to negotiate this tricky maze of feelings?
They watched the movie, and she felt him glance at her from time to time, and knew she was being quiet. When he turned off the TV, she half expected him to query her about it, but he didn’t. He told her to get ready for bed while he turned out the lights and locked the doors, and so she went to the bathroom, put on the T-shirt of his she’d been wearing to bed, and slid under the covers, her heart racing when he came into the bedroom.
He went to the bathroom, and she heard him cleaning his teeth. Then he came out and dropped his jeans over the chair in the corner. She watched him walk toward the bed, admiring his butt and thighs in his boxer briefs, and the way the sleeves of his T-shirt clung to his powerful biceps. He slipped beneath the duvet, and, just like the night before, he stretched out beside her and propped his head on a hand.
“Okay,” he said. “What’s bothering you?”
Chapter Fifteen
Phoebe’s eyes glistened, and Rafe saw her bite her bottom lip hard, trying not to let them fall.
“Hey.” He frowned and reached out a hand to cup her face. “Why are you upset? Is it because I teased you? I thought you realized I was joking. You’ve had a brain injury, for Christ’s sake—I’m not going to try anything on. Don’t be scared.”
“I’m sorry if I’ve been quiet this evening, but it’s not because I’m scared. Quite the opposite. I think about you all the time, Rafe. I can’t stop thinking about you. About going to bed with you. I know I shouldn’t; I should wait until I’m better, and until my memory comes back, but every time you look at me, my body heats up, and there’s nothing I can do about it.”
He kissed her nose, his heart picking up speed. “That’s sweet, but it’s out of the question.”
“It’s not. I talked to Angus about it.”
He raised an eyebrow. “Seriously?”
“He said there’s no problem with having sex as long as I’m ready. But the thing is, he said that with a brain injury sometimes things change. It can affect… you know… the libido, and whether you can get aroused, and I’m worried about what will happen, because I don’t know what to expect and I don’t want to disappoint you, and—”
Rafe stopped her with a kiss. Phoebe mumbled something and put a hand on his chest to push him away, but he took it, linked their fingers, and held it tightly. In the end, she went limp and let him kiss her. He did so slowly, dipping his tongue into her mouth, and she sighed and squirmed beneath him, pressing her thighs together in a way that told him how aroused she was. She’d been thinking about sex all evening. That was why she’d been quiet.
He lifted his head. “We’re not having sex, Phoebe, I don’t care what Angus said.”
The disappointment on her face almost made him cave, but even if she was ready for it, he wasn’t. He wanted her, but not like this, with so many secrets between them.
But that didn’t mean he couldn’t give her pleasure. He could see she was worried that the injury had affected her. Well, he’d soon put her mind at rest.
“Roll onto your side,” he said.
She pursed her lips, not moving. In reply, he pushed her away from him, moving up close behind her so she couldn’t roll back.
“You haven’t changed,” he murmured in her ear. “I know you, Phoebe Goldsmith. I can see right into your heart. You’re still the same woman I fell in love with. Your body remembers me, even if your mind doesn’t.”
“But we’re not having sex?”
“No.”
Her face had flushed pink. “You’re turning me down?”
“I’m going to give you an orgasm. We’re going to take our time, so you can see that everything is normal, and that you feel okay afterward, and there’s nothing to worry about.”
“What if I say no to that?”
“You won’t, because you like orgasms, and you’re all tense and need to relax.”
“I don’t know why you think you have the last word in the bedroom. You’re not the boss of me, Rafe Masters.”
“Absolutely I am. Always have been, always will be, and you like it that way.”
“I don’t.”
“Yes, you do.” He put an arm over her and held her tightly as she tried to push him away. “Stop fidgeting.”
She wriggled. “Stop bossing me about.”
“I’ll tie you down if I have to.”
She gasped. “You wouldn’t!”
“I would. You forget that we’ve done this a thousand times, and I know you inside out. You like to fight me. But you want me to take charge.”
“Maybe I’ve changed. Maybe I don’t like that anymore.”
“Our safe word is heartbeat,” he murmured, kissing her neck. “Say heartbeat and I’ll stop. Otherwise… I’m in charge, and you’ll do as I say.” His lifted his head and waited.
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