by Ben Boswell
She laughed. “I know that, now. But I didn’t feel that way then. I wanted to be so grown up, such hot shit, and here I was, first time face-to-face with a high school boy, and I panicked and ran away.”
“It was the right thing to do.”
She sighed as if I wasn’t getting it.
“I know, but I couldn’t help but think about it. You know, that I wished I was the kind of sassy, confident bitch who could get away with anything I wanted to. That I could have handled it.”
I shook my head. “What do you mean, ‘handle’?”
She smirked. “Handle it in every which way. Handle it, like, be able to manage them if I’d gone. Or handle it, as in, you know, actually be a woman with them.”
She stopped talking. She had more to say; I could hear it in the slight hesitancy in her voice. But I wasn’t sure if she was afraid of coming clean to me or to herself. I waited her out, and finally she sighed.
“And… sometimes, I thought about what it would be like if I couldn’t handle them, and if….”
“They forced themselves on you?” I offered gently.
“If they raped the shit out of me,” she clarified. She laughed darkly. “I can’t believe I’m telling you this.”
“It must have been a scary thought.”
She nodded, and then surprised me. “And hot.”
I gasped. She laughed at my reaction. “Oh, come on, Bill, you must have suspected this was where this was going.”
I shook my head.
She continued. “Oh yeah, in my teenage, febrile imagination I could be a confident vixen one minute and a whimpering victim the next, and still find both hot. I mean, I didn’t really have any experience at that point. I knew instinctively that the moment when I was in that truck I’d been dangerously and seductively close to… sex,” she hissed it in a way that did sound both dangerous and seductive indeed.
“I worked out all these crazy scenarios about Danny… and Brady and Elahd.“
“What? You fantasized about it?”
“Uh huh. Like all the time. Sometimes, romantic scenes. Me and Danny in a grassy field, making out. But, most of the time, darker. Danny screwing me while the other two watched hungrily. I have no idea why, but it turned me on.”
I thought about how much she liked to put on a show for me.
She continued. “Or all of them doing me. Sometimes Danny was trying to protect me, other times, he was the instigator, encouraging his buddies to have their way with me.”
I shook my head.
“What?” she asked. “Like you didn’t jerk off to crazy things when you were a teen?”
“Of course I did. I just didn’t think girls did.”
She laughed. “Are you kidding me? After what I’ve told and shown you?”
I couldn’t help but grin. We were both silent for a few moments.
“But, Bill, there’s more,” she said.
Her tone was suddenly serious… maybe even ominous.
“Okay,” I replied.
“I… I…,” she hesitated, and then all in a rush, “I still think of it.”
“What?”
“Of Danny and Brady and Elahd. I flash back to it, well, to my fantasies sometimes when I’m with my, um….”
“Lovers,” I suggested. Then I remembered the term we’d used to describe Chucky. “Fuck buddies.”
She laughed. “Chucky was like Danny. Handsome, smooth talker who could get me to do anything. And when I’m with Brian, it is like what I thought Brady would be like. Strong and rough. And Mike… he’s like Elahd. Cruel, you know. Tearing off my panties and stuffing them in my mouth while he did things to my butt.”
I didn’t quite know what to say. It was a weird revelation. Icky. But also significant.
“It’s not… I’m not,” she stammered, “just being cruel to you when I do it. But you were right. It wasn’t all for you.”
I smiled. “I knew that.”
“I’m not sure I did. I wanted…. I still want to think that I have it under control.”
I wasn’t sure she did either. But I wanted to be reassuring. “Of course you do.”
She hesitated. “Bill. You and me. There is a synergy here, and I’m not sure if it is bad or good.”
“What do you mean?”
She sighed. “Your obsessions and mine. They’re almost too perfectly aligned. It… they feed each other. And that makes it hot. That’s the thing. I don’t just think of my fantasies, and I don’t just think about the man I’m with, I do also, I swear, even in the throes of passion, I am always thinking about you. About how you’ll react when you see or hear what I’ve done. About how excited it will make you. Each new boundary, a thrill because I know it will do something to you. All that makes it confusing.”
I nodded. “I know. I don’t want you to do any of it, but it is exactly that emotion that gets my heart pounding. And it does all blend together. April, Melanie, and I think of you leaving me –”
“I never would.”
I reached out and touched her cheek. “Maybe, maybe not, but I can’t help but feel like it, and that makes it dangerous –”
“And hot.”
I nodded. “Yes. And I can’t disentangle it. What I want. What I need. What I want for you.”
She chuckled, but I noticed a single tear spill from each eye and roll down her cheeks. “We’re a mess, aren’t we?”
“We are.”
“So? It is over?”
I wanted to say yes, that it was over. That from now on, it would just be the two of us. But I couldn’t. I’m not sure why, but it just felt like we weren’t in the right spot for that. That, and I know this sounds ridiculous, that we still had some unfinished business.
I looked into my wife’s eyes, and I could see it there too. She’d asked the question. She’d try to live with my response. And yet, I could see that she too was ambivalent, that she was secretly, perhaps even to herself, hoping I would say no, that we were not done yet.
“Is that what you want? What you really want?” I asked.
She didn’t answer.
I took a TKI personality test at a corporate retreat. I’m not even sure what that stands for. I scored high on “cooperative” and “unassertive.” That puts me in the “accommodating” camp. Some people would call that a doormat, I guess. Except that’s not what it really means. What it really means is that I tend to solve conflict by trying to meet the other person’s needs more than my own. But I struggle with that. With the perception of others, and in all honesty of myself, that it means I’m weak somehow.
I wanted Terri to save me from my internal tensions, but I now realized she couldn’t because it went deeper than just a taste for the lurid. Like me, she’d been imprinted at a relatively early age with a particular kink. It wasn’t something she could just turn off anymore than I could. But we still needed to find balance.
“You don’t,” I said finally.
“I didn’t say that,” she replied.
“You don’t have to.”
“Don’t be like that,” she chided.
“Look, Terri, I’m not going to ask you to stop.”
“Bill --”
I held up my hand to stop her. “I won’t. And it isn’t because I’m trying to shame you into pulling the plug yourself. I get that now. I’m not going to ask you to stop because asking you to stop isn’t natural.”
“It is for most people,” she noted, though I also noted she seemed somewhat relieved that I wasn’t going to try to end it.
I thought of all the experiences we’d had and shared. Of how I’d used April. Of how Melanie had cheated on me. Of Terri’s attraction to dangerous sex. I thought about Herb’s hints about Melody.
“No. It isn’t. Scratch the surface and we’re all much more fucked up than we appear.”
She nodded, and I felt a tingle of disappointment. I wished she’d fought me harder on that point. Maybe she’d just given up on trying to convince me. Or maybe she acknowledged the
truth of the matter. Either way, she was closing the door on us ever going back to the way things had been. There would always be other men in her life, men who could tap into the dark dreams and obsessions lurking beneath my wife’s elegant, wholesome public demeanor.
Still I felt like we’d turned a corner. She was being honest with me for the first time….
My train of thought came to a screeching halt.
“Bill? Are you okay?”
I nodded, but I couldn’t speak for a moment.
“Yeah… I’m just… a little tired.”
She chuckled. “Believe me, so am I.”
It was meant to be a tease. And sure enough, it did conjure up a staccato series of images of Mike putting her through her paces, his dick sawing into her, hands mauling her body, her moans of pleasure as he used her like a whore. I even felt a surge of heat in my crotch, but not enough to overwhelm the sudden feeling of discomfort I felt.
She ran her fingertips down the middle of her chest, one of those deliberate yet perhaps unconsciously sexy gestures of hers. I couldn’t help but think about her full breasts and the delicious valley between them. The motion ended with her hand in her lap, drawing my attention to the sheer fabric of her light PJs, the only thing between me and her irresistible, shaved pussy.
The same old pattern threatened to replay itself. Tension followed by revelation followed by a sexual encounter so dramatic and intense that all was forgotten, normalized, even rendered desirable as a result. I doubted Terri had done it deliberately, but she had nonetheless effectively conditioned me to be complicit in it. Yes, I was primed by my own obsessions, but whether she meant to or not, she’d increasingly trained me to accept more and more, more indeed than I would have considered possible just a year ago.
Whether she’d meant to or not. That was the key issue, wasn’t it? It was a dark thought to even consider the possibility that she’d been deliberately desensitizing me. Yet, there it was. The gradual escalation worked perfectly. Salami slicing at its best.
What it really came down to was how much she had manipulated the information she’d fed me. I knew her revelations had been selective, like her late admission of anal sex with Jean-Pierre. I’d always assumed that was a function of her wanting to dole it out, make it last, revel in the effect the new stories had on me. In short, I assumed she was holding back to make it hotter for us. But what if it had been to manage me? To control my reactions?
I wished I’d thought of it before. Wished I had time to formulate my questions, but I didn’t. I just grasped onto the one issue that had troubled me from the moment it had happened.
“Um, speaking about that… I’m not really sure I completely understand how it all went down.”
“You mean after he put it in my butt in the car?” she cooed. Her hand disappeared into her waistband. I caught a glimpse of the rose tattoo.
Fuck I was hard. I shouldn’t have been. She’d just told me a disturbing story from her childhood, and now I was dealing with what can only be called an emotional crisis. But she was so sexy, and I was so close to giving in.
I adjusted myself. She smiled. “No, I meant before. Like, in the club, how did Mike set that up?”
“He told me to meet him there and what to wear.”
I frowned.
“I guess I don’t understand the question,” she added.
“How did Mike know Shaun would stop? Or… is that part of the turn-on? Realizing he might not have?”
She hesitated.
“I mean,” I continued, “I get the initial explosion. Especially after what you just told me. The situation. Fear, relief, anger, all those emotions swirling. Okay, got it, so you go a little crazy. But then he gets you off, and then you have a scene in the car on the way home. But at some point, aren’t you like, what the fuck? Why would you put me in that kind of danger?”
She nodded and rocked back on heels, arms crossed in front of her. “They knew each other.”
I tilted my head, encouraging her to continue.
“From a sex club or something.”
“A sex club?”
She sighed. “He apparently goes to one sometimes and he met Shaun there. So, when he explained how he knew him, it made sense. You probably didn’t notice, but there was some overlap between clientele.”
I nodded. I had noticed. “Why did you sigh?”
“Because, you’re going to misinterpret this.”
“What?”
“Mike’s mentioned bringing me to a sex club before. He has this whole thing planned out. He wants me to wear a collar and lead me around naked on a leash. The whole show me off, fuck me in public, and then invite other guys to take a turn.”
“And what did you tell him?”
She sighed again. “It depends. Like normally, no, of course. In the throes of passion, though, my willpower weakens.”
I groaned. “Sounds like you want to but you don’t think you should.”
“Oh God, Bill, I don’t know. It does sound hot, doesn’t it? I mean a little?”
I shook my head, but I wasn’t sure I believed my own silent denial. Why would it be hot? My wife and the mother of my children leashed like a dog, on her hands and knees, ass exposed, and a gaggle of horny strangers lined up behind her waiting to stick their dicks into her convenient holes.
There was nothing sexy about it. It was sick. Disturbed. Except maybe there was something a little exciting about a woman who would actually enjoy that.
“Is that what you were expecting last night? You were certainly dressed for it.”
“What does that mean?”
“Terri, your dress was so short, it barely covered your naked ass.”
“Well, I could hardly wear panties with it, now could I?” She smirked.
I remembered how obscene it was. How just by lifting her arms above her head, Shaun had completely exposed her bare, shaved gash.
“Look, Bill, what do you want me to tell you? I wasn’t going out with Mike for the conversation. I was going out to get fucked, and I was dressed for it.”
“Fucked by him? Or by any guy he happened to throw at you.”
“That’s not fair,” she snapped. “I told you I told him ‘no’ to the sex club.”
“No, you told me you said no under normal circumstances, but that your resolve weakened during sex.”
She shrugged. “Okay, but that’s just talk, you know --”
“That you wouldn’t do that? I’m not so sure.”
Arms crossed, she just glared at me.
“I seem to have touched a nerve,” I crowed. “Normally you’d have just tried to distract me with some new revelation you’d been holding back for just the right moment.”
“Because that’s what you want,” she replied.
“It is?”
She smirked. “I gave that Uber driver a nice tip.”
Mind if I take a poke when this guy’s done?
No, no, no. I wouldn’t let her distract me. Except, I already was. My mind conjured images of Terri squatting in front of Juan’s open driver’s side door, Mike’s come leaking out of her ass, and her dress pulled down to show off her luscious tits. Juan’s hard cock jutting from his lap, and my wife leaning forward to swallow him into her mouth.
I was too slow to stop Terri as she reached into my lap and firmly seized ahold of my erection. She smiled at me triumphantly.
“That doesn’t prove anything,” I muttered.
She didn’t respond. Instead, just as I imagined she’d done with Juan, she gracefully leaned forward into my lap. She freed my prick and gave it a firm stroke, and then licked the head.
“Why are you trying to divert the discussion?” I asked.
She smiled. “I’m not. I just thought you might like having your dick sucked while you imagined me doing all sorts of dirty things.”
She took me into her hot, velvety mouth. Her tongue swirled around my shaft. She slowly, slowly rose up, her lips trailing up my cock.
She looked m
e in the eye. “Is this what you’re imagining I did to that driver? Or maybe you’re fantasizing that I fucked him?”
Terri swallowed me deep again. She bobbed up and down, her mouth soft and wet. She was teasing me, but he didn’t want me to come. Not yet.
“Well, Bill? Or maybe you think I offered him my ass? I was nicely stretched out by then. Mike took care of that.”
“What did you do?”
She smiled and ran her tongue around the head of my prick.
“Whatever you imagined,” she replied.
More riddles. Was she saying that it was all in my head? Or that she’d done it all so that no matter what I imagined, she’d done it?
“So what do you think, Honey? Did I suck his cock until he came all over my tits? Or maybe he bent me over the hood of his car and pounded my little pussy from behind? Or maybe I sat in his lap, with his dick up my ass, and bounced up and down until he added his load to Mike’s? Which is the hottest scenario?”
I groaned. Her eyes gleamed. She leaned in for the kill. I was primed. So ready. I wanted her to take me deep into her mouth, and I longed for the sensation of coming down her throat.
Instead, I stopped her. I reached down and cupped her cheeks and lifted her up so that we were face to face.
“I don’t want you to see Mike anymore.”
She looked at me with a curious expression.
“Where did that come from?”
I wasn’t sure. And I wasn’t even sure that’s what I wanted.
“I don’t want you to go to a sex club with him.”
She hesitated. “So, I can see him, just not go to a sex club with him?”
“Terri --”
“I’m not arguing. I just want to understand what the boundaries are.”
“I don’t know. Not for sure,” I replied.
“But you still want me to see other men?”
I shook my head.
She corrected herself. “I’m sorry Honey. I mean, you’re still willing for me to see other men to satisfy my deep, dark needs? Is that better?”
I sighed.
“I don’t want to make rules.”
“But you just did…. Which is fine. Great even. But now I want to understand them.”
My mind was reeling. I didn’t know what I wanted. I just knew that Mike was dangerous. And he was dangerous because of his ambitions and imagination. He wasn’t like Brian or Terri’s other men. Even Chucky just wanted her for himself. Brian just liked having another hot piece of ass in his rotation. But Mike wanted to get into her head, and mine, and he wouldn’t stop until he had. That made him a menace… but also, I now knew, that made him just what Terri wanted in a lover. I didn’t know if I could deny him to her.
