The Trip to Raptor Bluff

by Annie O'Haegan

  “I’m so sorry.”

  “Don’t be. I guess I’m lucky in a way. I have never lost anyone who was important to me.”

  “Edward and I had our own little universe that included just the two of us. We had family and friends of course, but really, it was just Edward and me. There are no words to describe how it feels, now that I’ve lost him. I look into my future where I used to see a full life, and now it is half-empty. The place where Edward stood has changed into a gaping black abyss. I can’t even imagine trying to fill it. I can’t begin to imagine how I am supposed to continue this life without him.”

  Their conversation was interrupted by the sound of voices in the back yard. “I don’t want to upset the girls,” Diana said, wiping her eyes.

  “Do you want me to help you move to someplace more private?”

  “No. I want to be with you all. I am not ready to look into that abyss again.”

  Later in the afternoon, when Brenda saw Shelly walk to the latrine, she went outside and waited for her to return. “Shelly, do you know how lucky we are to be alive, and to know that your dad and brother were most likely out of the tsunami’s path?”

  “I think about it a thousand times a day, Mom.” Shelly accepted the hug Brenda offered and squeezed hard.

  “How are Pepper and Libby? Have they mentioned any worries about their own families? They seem fine to me but I wasn’t sure if I should ask.”

  “Of course we talked about it. All of our families back in Cleardon City live out of the tsunami zone. Pepper’s bakery is in the tsunami zone but her parents have evacuation drills every three months so she is sure her family is fine.”

  “Even with all the uncertainty facing us right now, I feel like the luckiest person in the world,” sighed Brenda. “Come inside with me, Sweetie. It’s time to scrounge up another meal.”

  The girls had found an unopened, picnic sized jar of mayonnaise in a neighbor’s pantry, along with several cans of tuna. Using the last of the bread that Dianna had bought in Port Fortand, Brenda made a pile of tuna sandwiches for dinner.

  “I’ve never eaten anything so delicious in my entire life,” said Libby, “and I couldn’t stand the sight of tuna a week ago.”

  “I have the feeling that we will change our minds about a lot of things after living through this,” said Diana quietly.

  **********

  Diana had one flashlight but no extra batteries, and the girls were only able to locate two flashlights and six batteries in the neighbors’ houses. Brenda sent everyone outside to use the latrine at dusk so they wouldn’t have to waste batteries using the flashlights during the night. Without electricity to provide light or power electronic devices, there was nothing to do after dark but end their day and go to bed. It was still deep in the night when Diana’s soft crying roused Brenda from her sleep. She debated whether or not to offer comfort and decided against it. Still, she could not fall back to sleep and she listened as Diana cried until the sky began to gray.

  Diana was ready for her pain pill at dawn, and appeared more shaky and fragile than she had upon waking the day before. Brenda helped pull her to a standing position and offered to escort her to the latrine. Diana refused with a sweet smile, and went by herself into the misty morning. When she returned, she settled in her leather chair and gratefully accepted the tea Brenda offered her. “That old teapot works as well in the fireplace as it did on the stovetop. How many tea bags are left?”

  “You have about twenty in the open box, and there are four more boxes in your pantry. I don’t think the tea will run out any time soon.”

  “Thank goodness. Can you imagine being without a cup of hot tea or coffee in the morning?”

  “Life has changed in ways we never thought possible. I never imagined I would be so grateful for things as simple as a cup of tea and a manual can opener.”

  Diana didn’t answer, nor did she speak a word throughout the day except to decline invitations to have lunch and dinner at the kitchen table with the others. She sat in her chair and looked out the window, barely touching the food Brenda brought her. When it was time for her evening pain pill, she smiled wanly at Brenda and said, “You don’t have to be my nursemaid, Brenda. I do appreciate your help but I need to start taking care of myself. Why don’t you leave the whole bag of pain pills with me? I will stick religiously to the dawn and dusk schedule.” When Brenda hesitated for a second too long, Diana said quietly, “You are worried that I will try to hurt myself, aren’t you?”

  Brenda blushed but decided she wanted to have this conversation. Diana’s withdrawn behavior, so different from the fighting spirit she showed the day before, scared her. “Honestly, it was the first thing that crossed my mind when you asked for the whole bag. I, um…”

  “Stop,” interrupted Diana. “Even if it were my intention to end my life, which it isn’t, I would wait until I was alone. I would never subject you or your girls to something so appalling.”

  “It’s just that you seem so breakable today,” Brenda whispered as she placed the bag of pills on the table beside Diana.

  “Heavy life changes bring on heavy thoughts, I suppose. I have a lot to think through. There are things in my life I should have addressed decades ago.”

  “Like?”

  “Like whether or not there really is a God. It’s outrageous, isn’t it? You would think that finding the answer to that question would be a burning quest for every human. What could possibly be more important? I was raised Catholic but I left the church because it is run by unmarried men who are arrogant enough to believe they are qualified to make the rules when they have no life experience to back them. But dismissing religion is no excuse for dismissing God.”

  “What is troubling you, Diana?” Brenda asked, seating herself on the ottoman.

  “I decided last night that there must be a God because my conscience is in a riot of torment, and I can’t find an explanation for my unease unless there really is a higher law outside of myself.”

  “Is deciding that you believe in God such a bad thing?”

  “It is a very bad thing when you are me.” The face she turned to Brenda was terrible in its anguish. “I am an excellent lawyer, Brenda – the best, I am told – for people who can afford to pay my rates. If you are very rich, and you get arrested for driving under the influence of drugs or alcohol, I’m your girl. My clients, many of whom are celebrities, have made me wealthy; they are the reason I only have to work six months a year, and can afford to spend the other six months traveling the world or living in this paradise on the Oregon coast.” She laughed derisively. “All I have to do is cut my clients loose on a technicality – get their cases dismissed because a police officer or a laboratory made one tiny mistake. Every single one of my clients is guilty as sin and I know it, but who cares, right? My job is to provide them with the very best legal defense possible, and that is exactly what I do. I practice excellent law and ignore justice. When my conscience niggled at me, and it has niggled at me for years, I remind myself that I have never accepted a client who injured or killed an innocent person while driving under the influence. That is my way of washing my hands. Greed is a powerful motivator, Brenda, and it shouts a lot louder than the quiet voice that warns us to consider the consequences of our actions.”

  “Why now, Diana?”

  “Why now? Because for the first time in my life, I know how it feels to lose someone I cherished. I gazed into that dark abyss where Edward used to be. It is terrible beyond words, and it will stay terrible every single day for the rest of my life. I cannot run from the knowledge that I, personally, am responsible for the deaths of other cherished souls. My greed caused others to experience the same unspeakable suffering that I feel now. I don’t know how to live with myself.”

  “But you just said that you didn’t accept cases that involved the injury or death of an innocent person.”

  “I didn’t, but those rich clients whose cases I so efficiently handled got off with no penalty. I set them fre
e to drive under the influence again, and many of them did. I know of at least three who eventually did kill or maim innocent people while driving impaired, and I am sure there are more. It was not something I wanted to research.”

  “I’m in no position to judge you, Diana.”

  “Please, I know,” said Diana tearfully.

  “So what’s next for you?”

  “Not suicide by OxyContin, that’s for sure. I can’t die until I at least try to make amends for the holes my greed punched in the universe.” She placed her hand on Brenda’s arm and said, “Now that you know that I am among the scum of the earth, I wouldn’t blame you if you never spoke to me again. Someone like you…”

  Brenda lowered her eyes and when she was able to look at Diana again, her face was crimson. “Diana, you must have seen the original Wizard of Oz when you were a kid. Remember the music that played when the wicked neighbor lady rode away on her bicycle with Toto in her basket?”

  “Yes…” Diana’s brow furrowed in confusion. She had no idea where Brenda was going with her odd question.

  “I work for a company that employs over a hundred people. I am the number two person, second only to the founder. I work from home most days, but when I am in the office, I hear at least one employee hum that tune in reference to me. They don’t know I can hear them, but honest to god, that is my signature tune: the wicked witch theme from the Wizard of Oz.”

  Diana lips twitched in a tiny smile before she could stop herself. Then she burst out laughing. “Sorry, Brenda. That does make for an entertaining picture.” When Brenda did not succumb to the humor, Diana grew serious again. “You really feel bad, don’t you?”

  “The employees don’t hate me because I am tough or demanding. They hate me because I am deliberately cruel. I am wicked, Diana. I am wicked to my employees in the exact same way that my father was wicked to me: I berate and humiliate them over small mistakes that anyone could make. I do it over the phone because I am too much of a coward to do it in person. I do it because I can: because it makes me feel powerful and important. We don’t have an HR department, but I can promise you that if we did, I would have been fired years ago for creating a hostile work environment. The company pays extremely well, and I am fully aware of the choices the employees have. They can let me ruin their lives, or they can quit and work somewhere else for half the pay. Most of them have families to feed and consider me to be the lesser of the two evils. I am home free to cause misery and I relish it.”

  “Are you telling me this because…”

  “I want you to know that I have punched plenty of my own holes in the universe. I’ve thought of my deliberate cruelty often since the earthquake forced me to consider my own mortality. When I think of all the tears I have caused - all the misery I sent home to employee families day after day, year after year…” She sighed and stood up. “It looks like we both have a lot of reparation work to do.” She took Diana’s hand and squeezed. “You are starting to look druggy again. Let me help you to bed.”

  Diana closed her eyes and began to hum softly as Brenda pulled her to a standing position and handed her the crutches. It was the wicked witch theme from the Wizard of Oz and Brenda stiffened abruptly, and then burst into laughter. “I’m only horrible at work,” she said primly. “In every other situation I am a veritable Glenda the Good Witch. You’ve seen that for yourself.”

  Diana was laughing so hard she toppled backwards into her chair and Brenda laughed with her. They laughed until they cried. “Damn, now I need to use the latrine again,” gasped Diana.

  “One of the girls can hold the flashlight for you. They are just returning from another looting escapade as we speak.”

  Diana’s laughter slipped away suddenly and she asked, “Brenda? What happens to us from here? Do you think help will arrive before it’s too late?”

  “I hope so,” Brenda whispered. “We can only wait here for rescue, and pray that it comes before our food runs out. There is nothing else we can do.”

  Rick, Abby, and Leanna

  Abby placed a bottle of water beside Rick when he finally fell asleep. It was the only unobtrusive way she could think of to let him know she was thinking of him.

  “Anyone who says dogs don’t love us and feel our pain is deaf, dumb, and blind,” whispered Leanna. “Caleb hasn’t left Rick’s side all night. Did you hear him sigh when Rick finally fell asleep?”

  “You are awake, too?” asked Abby, searching for Leanna’s hand.

  “My heart hurts, Abby. Rick is crying in his sleep. I feel so terrible for him but I don’t know what to do other than just leave him alone.”

  “He’ll let us know if he wants our company. Even then, we can’t mention his family. It’s not our place to intrude on whatever it is he is going through. We can’t begin to understand.” They lay there in silence for a while before Abby said, “Leanna? I don’t hate you. I don’t think you are an idiot about everything…. Wait, that came out wrong.”

  “Shhh,” said Leanna. “It’s OK.”

  “No, it isn’t OK. There are lots of things that I really like about you. When we first met, I thought that you could be my first real friend since elementary school. I don’t make friends easily. People make me uncomfortable and I’m much happier when I am alone.”

  “What happened? What happened to make you think we couldn’t be friends? I liked you a lot, too.”

  “You were invited to join Tara’s group and that’s where you wanted to be. You probably don’t even remember what happened to make me dump you.”

  “I don’t.”

  “We were talking before school and Tara and Reba walked by. You stopped paying attention to what I was saying. You just kept looking at them, like you would die to be with them. I waited for you after school that day so we could walk home together like we always did, but you were late. When you finally showed up, you were with Tara, and the look that crossed your face when you saw me was really bad, like you were so annoyed I was there.”

  “I don’t remember that. I only remember that you suddenly got really cold to me. You wouldn’t tell me why when I asked you about it.”

  “What was I going to say? I wasn’t going to whine that you hurt my feelings.”

  “You should have told me. I would have tried to fix it.” When Abby didn’t answer she said, “But you didn’t want to fix it, did you? I disgusted you by trying so hard to fit in with Tara’s group. You knew I didn’t like Tara and that she didn’t like me. I just wanted the association because she was popular and that disgusted you. I am right, aren’t I?”

  “Yes,” whispered Abby.

  “I don’t know where I belong, Abby. I don’t think I will ever belong anywhere.”

  “I like the real you. It is the know-it-all who I can’t stand to be around. You only act that way when you want attention, but you don’t need to draw attention to yourself, Leanna. You just need to be you.”

  “Friends again?”

  “Friends.”

  **********

  Rick was the first one up and had already stoked the fire when the others began to stir. As soon as Ryder sat up, Rick handed him two candy bars. “Eat. I insist. You need to keep up your energy.”

  “Hey, are you sure? It might be a long time before we find more food.”

  “I’m counting on finding food in the town you mentioned. Besides, you aren’t going to last much longer if you don’t eat.” He busied himself packing his gear and feeding Caleb while Leanna and Abby went into the woods to relieve themselves.

  “Rick is acting almost normal,” whispered Leanna. “He looks tired and his eyes are swollen, but he’s acting like himself.”

  “Which is why we are going to act normal, too. We have to for his sake.”

  “Nothing is normal anymore, Abby. Think about it. Except for on this trip, when was the last time you peed in the woods? When was the last time you peed in the woods with another girl peeing beside you?”

  They walked out of the woods giggling and
Rick lifted an eyebrow at them. “Does this mean the feuding has come to an end?”

  “We are fine, Rick. What’s the plan for today?” asked Abby.

  “Our plan is to reach the farming town Ryder mentioned. Load up so we can head out in five minutes. By this time tomorrow, I want to be waking up in a bed, or at least on someone’s sofa.”

  They walked in silence throughout the morning. Rick stayed at the front and moved quickly, despite his restless sleep and the dark weight he carried in his soul. Caleb trotted beside him, and Ryder followed. Abby and Leanna both struggled to keep up.

  “Rick, I’m dumping all but one of my water bottles back in the creek so I don’t have to carry the extra pounds. Duh, the creek is running right beside us,” said Leanna.

  Rick and Ryder both whirled around at the same time. “Leanna, are you telling me that you are carrying filled water bottles in your pack?” Rick asked. When Abby’s expression turned sheepish too, Ryder burst out laughing and Rick cracked a smile.

  “No chick jokes,” Rick told Ryder, who was bent over with laughter. “We won’t make fun of them just because they are carrying ten extra pounds of water when their water source is two feet away.”

  “And we especially won’t mention that the water they are carrying is from said water source,” laughed Ryder.

  Abby, blushing, hopped from the creek bank onto a large boulder so she wouldn’t get her feet stuck in the thick mud. As she slid her heavy pack from her shoulder to remove the water bottles, her foot slipped on moss and cast her weight forward onto another, smaller boulder. Her front foot barely caught the edge before sliding downwards and wedging between the two rocks. She felt an excruciating pain on her shin before her foot settled. Rick and Ryder were beside her in seconds, both up to their calves in water. “It’s stuck!” she gasped. “I’m OK but my foot is stuck in between the rocks.”

  “It’s in there sideways,” Rick said. “You won’t be able to pull it out. Ryder, let’s see if we can move this smaller rock.” After two coordinated pushes, they were able to move the rock far enough for Abby to free herself. They were shocked to see blood gushing from a deep, six-inch gouge on her shin.