by Cole Gibsen
I pulled away with a gasp. My cheeks felt like they’d been burned, but I wasn’t sure if it was from the lingering effects of Nolan’s kiss, panic that Nolan had gotten me mixed up with someone else, or fear that I’d done everything wrong. The mix of emotions twisted inside of me, rooting me to the stool and rendering me speechless.
Nolan pressed his forehead to mine. “That was… Wow. You okay?”
“I think so,” I managed, but it was hard to stay calm about the whole thing with him touching me. Making me want to kiss him all over again, mistakes and doing it wrong be damned.
He cupped my cheek and frowned. “This week has been complete hell for you, hasn’t it?”
“Pretty much.” I attempted a small smile. “But there were some good parts.”
“Yeah?”
He grinned, and my breath caught in my throat. I was sure he was going to kiss me again, and my entire body quivered in anticipation.
But just as quickly as it appeared, his smile melted. Nolan leaned in and brushed his cheek against mine. The simple gesture, the feel of his hair and his smooth skin, broke something inside me. His lips were so close to my ear that I could feel them graze against my earlobe when he spoke. “I’ve been horrible to you, Regan. The things I’ve done—”
“Can’t be any worse than what I’ve done to you,” I interrupted.
He sighed. “I wouldn’t be so sure of that.”
“I thought we weren’t bringing up the past tonight.”
“Yeah,” he responded, “but there are some things you need to know.”
“No.” I didn’t want to throw more ugly words in the space between us. This moment felt too fragile, like threads of spun sugar so delicate the slightest touch could shatter everything. And the way he looked at me just now—like he could see through all the bullshit and find the me that actually mattered, the vulnerable parts I’d kept hidden for so long—I wanted to hold on to that for as long as I could. “I don’t need to know anything. At least not tonight.”
He opened his mouth, but whatever words he wanted to say stayed lodged inside his throat. After several moments, he finally said, “Stay with me, Regan. Please.”
He sounded…vulnerable. Scared, even. The complete opposite of how I thought of him, but exactly how I felt unless he was around. I found myself nodding before I realized what I was doing.
His fingers trailed down my arms to my hands, where he grasped the end of my fingertips. One by one, his fingers slipped away as he walked to his bed and perched on the edge of his mattress. There was something dangerous about being alone on a bed with a boy. My pulse grew louder with each step toward him until it was a deafening roar inside my head. I managed to stand, shaky as my legs were, and cross the room, stopping in front of him. He glanced up at me and smiled, and it was unlike any smile I’d seen from him before.
How had I not noticed before now how gorgeous he was? The idea that someone like Nolan could have a secret smile just for me did strange things to my heart. I held out my hand, because in that moment, I desperately needed to close the distance between us. He pulled me beside him on the bed. After propping pillows against the headboard, he swung his legs onto the mattress, leaned back, and drew me against him so my head rested in the curve of his neck.
I was drowning in a sea of Nolan—his scent, his skin, his heat. My mind swam with the headiness of it all, every neuron pulsing with unfamiliar electricity. I placed my hand on his chest, and he shuddered beneath my touch.
“You’re not who I thought you were,” he whispered. A burst of pleasure washed over me, but it quickly fizzled out when he added, “I really like you,” with a distinct note of regret.
I frowned. “I’m sorry that’s such a problem for you.”
Nolan ran his hand down my cheek. “It’s not like that. It’s just…” He sighed. “There are things you don’t know about me—things you wouldn’t like. Before…” His voice trailed off. But I didn’t need him to go on to know what he was going to say. Before my messages had been posted on lockers, before we’d been paired up for the picture-book assignment, before he’d taken me in his arms in the bathroom stall, we’d both thought and said some pretty terrible things about each other.
“Don’t.” I laced my fingers with his. “I already told you we don’t have to talk about this tonight. Things were different before.”
“I know. I’m sorry for bringing it up again. It’s just—” He shook his head, the top of his jaw tickling the hair at the top of my head. “I was so stupid.”
“We were both stupid.”
He swallowed. “You don’t understand. What if I’d been too late? I was too late with Jordan.”
I traced the faded writing on the front of his shirt. “I thought she moved. How was that your fault?”
He didn’t answer right away. The more seconds that ticked by, the more I became convinced he wasn’t going to. But then he sighed, and it was like his chest deflated beneath my head. “She did move, but it was more than that. I let her down. I wasn’t there when she— Fuck.” He tipped his head back against the wooden headboard and stared at the ceiling.
“Nolan—”
“Things change,” he said. “There’s no way of knowing what the future will bring. I’ll tell you what happened between Jordan and me. I promise you I will. But for tonight, can we pretend I never said anything? That the world outside this room doesn’t exist?”
My protest melted on my tongue. How could I argue with that? “Okay. We won’t talk about it tonight.” Whatever his secrets were, they would still be there tomorrow.
His body gradually relaxed beneath me.
“Not tonight,” he repeated. He lifted a lock of my hair and twirled it around his finger. The moonlight streaming through his window created a soft glow over our bodies. His room was heavy and silent, and it was almost as if Nolan and I were the only two people in the world.
Almost.
I couldn’t get his words to stop running through my head. What if I’d been too late? The question pinged back and forth in my mind until my temples throbbed.
Too late for what?
Chapter Sixteen
Sunday came and went without so much as a text from Nolan. As much as I didn’t want it to, it bothered me. It wasn’t like I was his girlfriend or anything. Hell, we’d never even gone on a date. I’d just assumed Nolan was the kind of guy who’d call a girl after she spilled her darkest secrets and spent several hours tucked in the crook of his arm—even after he’d fallen asleep. I guess I was wrong.
The worst part was that I had liked watching him sleep—studying the rise and fall of his chest while listening to the soft thump of his heart beneath my ear. I now knew his eyelashes trembled when he dreamed and that the corners of his lips pinched into a frown. He murmured, too. Soft, unintelligible words. Part of me was looking forward to teasing him about it, but a bigger part of me was ashamed I’d stolen moments I wasn’t supposed to have.
Apparently I was right.
After showering to make sure every last trace of pine needles and oranges was scrubbed from my skin, I checked Facebook, scrolling through status updates and checking to see if anyone had posted something nasty about me in the group. There were a few new likes (apparently I only kind of needed to commit suicide now—how refreshing), but no new comments. The status updates were pretty quiet, too. I mean, there were the regular posts about parties, a handful of selfies, and even a couple updates from Taylor about her and Amber going to the lake with Jeremy and his friends. I rolled my eyes when I saw a picture that made it look like Amber loved hanging out with Taylor.
Poor Taylor. She’d never see it coming when Amber decided she was done with her. I could only hope Jeremy kept his disgusting hands to himself. I liked the photo to let Amber know I was watching. No harm in that. Especially since before leaving Nolan’s house I’d left the small video camera on his desk with a note to please send me the video I’d taken.
Eventually, I forced myself to look up
Nolan. He’d posted another link to a documentary, this one about some uprising in a town down south that happened before we were born, but that was it. I tapped the side of my phone, debating whether to like the post. On the one hand, I liked that he posted serious things. On the other, he was ignoring me. After Saturday, liking the post would be petty, but come on. He’d had time to watch videos and post links but not call me?
I hit like.
On Monday, I was in the school parking lot, locking my car door, when a shadow fell over my shoulder. I froze with my thumb on the key chain.
“Hey,” Nolan said.
My muscles coiled, and I fought to keep my movements relaxed. The last thing I wanted was for Nolan to realize how much he’d gotten under my skin. I turned to face him, once again glad for my dark sunglasses. No way was I letting him see the hurt in my eyes. “Hey,” I said, my voice flat.
“So…” He shifted his weight from foot to foot and tugged on his rumpled sleeves. I wasn’t used to seeing Nolan uncomfortable, and, as much as I hated to admit it, it made him look absolutely adorable. “You, um, left without saying good-bye the other night.” He scratched the back of his head and frowned.
I blinked. It never occurred to me I might have hurt his feelings by leaving the way I did. “I have an eleven-thirty curfew. You fell asleep, and I didn’t want to wake you.”
“You should have,” he said. “I would have driven you home.”
I quirked an eyebrow. “I drove to your house.”
“So?” He folded his arms across his chest. “I could have followed you home in my car, or at least walked you outside or something, but you just left.” Hurt flashed in his eyes, and he clenched his jaw.
Ouch. The disappointment in his voice was almost worse than seeing twenty pages of texts plastered all over the halls. I cleared my throat and tried to calm the tremors starting in my hands. “I’m sorry. I would have woken you if I thought you were going to get upset.” I cleared my throat again. “So, um…you really wanted to drive me home?” The hope in my voice was embarrassing, but there it was.
He sighed and grabbed my hands. “Look. Saturday was…heavy. I don’t want things to get weird between us, and I’m not into head games, so I’m just going to say it. I like you.”
Heat burned my cheeks. “I like you, too.”
He smiled. “Good.”
We stood there for a moment, Nolan holding my hands while neither of us said a word. I watched him lace his fingers with mine, pressing our palms together. Despite our admission, an awkwardness settled between us like a wedge. I didn’t know if it was from the secrets I told him Saturday, the ones he still kept from me, or the fact that we’d blown each other off for no apparent reason. Whatever the reason, it felt like something thick and heavy pressed between us.
“Still weird, huh?” he asked.
I laughed. “Yeah, a little.”
“Don’t worry.” He released my hands, his face serious. “I can fix that.”
I eyed him skeptically. “How?”
“We’re going to play a game.” He guided me toward the school entrance. “Let’s pretend we live in a world where we don’t have to attend an institution filled with judgmental assholes. Let’s pretend we can do whatever we want without any social repercussions, and every time we do, we get a point. Sound good?”
I looked up at him. “Uh…”
“Good. Glad you’re on board. I’ll go first.” He sucked in a breath. “Right now, this very second, all I want is to be with you.”
His words came at me so fast, I could barely catch on to them, let alone make sense of what he was saying. “Be with me?”
We climbed the stairs toward the school entrance. “I can understand your confusion,” he said. “Basically what I’m saying is this: if you are going to be somewhere, I would like to occupy the same generalized area, preferably in close proximity. You know, as long as you’re cool with it. I figured we could start with the school hallways and see where it goes from there.”
I couldn’t help but grin. “I’m very cool with it. Though I think I might have to add one addendum.”
“Oh?” He quirked an eyebrow.
I stopped outside the glass front doors. “How about we draw the line at restrooms? Occupying the same stall and all that. It was cute the first time, but I think it would get old fast.”
He laughed and opened the door for me before following me inside. “Duly noted: bathrooms are off-limits.”
Unlike Friday, Amber and Taylor were nowhere to be seen. Christy must have held up her end of the deal. I’m sure my popping up in Amber’s feed only reinforced the threat. Nolan placed his arm around my shoulders as we made our way to our lockers. The last of the knots in my stomach unwound for the first time in days. Maybe even weeks.
“So if we’re keeping score,” Nolan said, “right now you’re losing zero to one. And it’s about to get worse because there’s something else I want.”
I grabbed the straps of my backpack. “What?”
“This.” He pivoted in front of me so suddenly I nearly tripped. Before I realized what was happening, his lips were on mine, soft, warm, and oh so much gentler than I wanted them to be.
I was only vaguely aware of the gasps and giggles echoing in the hallway. They’d seen people kissing in the hallways a million times before, but I could only imagine what kind of spectacle Nolan and I made, the freak artsy guy and the once-popular bitch hooking up between the science and computer labs. For once, I didn’t care what other people thought.
Nolan pulled away, his cheeks red. “You’re now down zero to two. If you want to catch up, you have to do something right here, right now, with pure abandon.”
“What?” I made a face. “I kissed you back. That has to count for at least half a point.”
He waved a hand. “Yeah, but it was my idea. That’s cheating.”
“Cheating, huh? How about when I do it like this?”
I grabbed him by the lapels of his blazer and hauled him into the slightly more private alcove between two banks of lockers. The second I pulled him against me, using his body to pin mine into the corner, his eyes went wide.
Then I really kissed him.
He groaned against my mouth. “Jesus, Regan. What are you doing to me?”
I smiled and bit his bottom lip.
“Never mind. Just don’t stop.”
He swallowed my laugh with a searing kiss that stole the breath from my lungs and the strength from my legs. If he wasn’t careful, I’d need a Xanax to calm down when we were done—which I’d probably have to take while sitting in detention, since I was pretty sure where his hands were violated the school’s code of conduct handbook.
“Hey, Nolan, I thought I’d stop by to see if you wanted to work— What the actual fuck?”
We broke apart on a gasp. Nolan’s friend Blake stood not ten feet away, her eyes widened and her lips parted in horror. Her eyes zeroed in on Nolan like I wasn’t standing there, still clinging to his chest. “Please tell me I didn’t just see what I think I saw.”
He turned to face her, carefully tucking me behind him. “I know what you’re thinking,” he said. “But you need to hear me out.”
“For fuck’s sake.” She raked a hand through her short blond hair. “You know who she is, don’t you? She’s one of them. You know what they did to Jordan. Have you forgotten everything?”
I edged around him, my legs still weak, and looked at Nolan. “One of them?”
Students were slowing, drawn to Blake’s raised voice. Just when things had started to die down, here I was giving everyone something new to use against me.
Nolan placed a hand at the small of my back. It was a small gesture, but enough to ease the anxiety that had begun building in my chest.
“Listen, Blake,” he began. “I told you things changed. We talked about this. That’s why we decided—”
“You decided.” She jabbed a finger in the air. “Don’t forget that. You never once asked for my opinion.
God, I can’t believe you’d betray Jordan like this.”
Nolan tensed beside me. When he spoke, his voice was almost a growl. “I did everything I could for Jordan.”
Blake’s eyes hardened. “Apparently not enough.”
His hands curled into fists that shook at his sides. “I think you should go now. Before either one of us says something we’ll regret. I’ll call you later when we’ve both had a chance to cool down.”
She put her hand on her hip. “What’s the problem, Nolan? Can’t handle the ugly truth? I bet half the people here know what happened. Does she?” She scoffed. “God, I don’t even know who the fuck you are anymore.”
Without giving him a chance to respond, she stalked away.
“Fuck,” he muttered. The muscles in his shoulders grew rigid, and he slowly turned to me. “I’m really sorry, but I need to talk to Blake. Can we catch up later?”
“Yeah, sure.” Despite all the questions I had, I was glad to be dismissed. Blake’s obvious hatred for me as well as the tension between her and Nolan was so thick, it made it hard to breathe.
He pressed a quick kiss to my lips, slung his bag over his shoulder, and ducked through the crowd after Blake.
My phone chirped. Payton.
Meet me at my locker?
I sucked in a shaky breath. It had been weird being at her house last night and not actually talking to her. When I sneaked out of Nolan’s room, the last thing I wanted was to burst the happy haze I was floating in, so I didn’t stop by her room. I had no idea if she’d be happy I’d hooked up with her brother or if she’d wake up the whole neighborhood screaming at me.
