by Cole Gibsen
Guess I was about to find out.
Payton spotted me the second I turned the corner. She jogged toward me, her blond hair in a ponytail that fanned out like ribbons behind her. Judging by the big smile on her face, I guessed she didn’t know about Nolan yet.
“Hey.” I smiled and gave her a friendly bump with my shoulder. “Long time, no see.”
“Yeah.” She grinned and bumped me back. “So what’s Blake’s problem?”
I exhaled loudly. “So you saw that, huh?”
“Yeah.” She shook her head. “Of all of Nolan’s friends, I never liked Blake. She’s always been so…bitter.”
“Good word.” I nodded. “She seems really hung up on his ex.” I knew I should wait for him to tell me, but I couldn’t help myself. “You wouldn’t happen to know what happened between Nolan and Jordan, would you?”
“Not really.” She shrugged apologetically. “He’s always been really weird about their breakup. Like, he’d get really pissed when I brought it up. I do know that before they broke up, Jordan’s parents came over and talked to our parents. They kicked me out of the room, but not before I heard something about Jordan being in the hospital. So maybe she got sick?”
I bit my lip. “That doesn’t make sense. Nolan’s not the type of guy to break up with a girl because she’s sick.”
“Oh?” Payton arched an eyebrow. “So how is it you’ve come to know what kind of guy my brother is?”
“Um.” I quickly dropped my gaze to the tops of my shoes before she could read the guilt in them.
To my surprise, she laughed. “I’m just messing with you. I already know you and my weirdo brother are into each other. I think it’s disgusting, but I’m cool with it.”
I stared at her. “You are?”
“Meh.” She rolled her eyes. “He’s actually been tolerable the last couple of days, so if his new attitude has anything to do with you, I’m all about it. That doesn’t mean I don’t find it a little gross. He’s…weird. You used to agree with me.”
I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t explain how, or even the exact moment, my feelings for him changed. All I knew was that when my world was crumbling underneath my feet, Nolan never wavered.
“Anyway.” She waved a hand in the air. “Can we not talk about my brother anymore because, ew.”
A group of girls gave us a dirty look as we passed. Their eyes bored into my skin and I reflexively hunched my shoulders. My fingers itched to fish my pill bottle out of my bag, but then I thought of Nolan and reminded myself that I was done hiding behind my pills. It was time to be the real me.
Still, I had no intention of subjecting Payton to my hell. “While I appreciate you being here for me, Pay, I’m not so sure talking to me is such a good idea,” I said. “You know what people think of me. Being seen with me will not be good for your image.”
“You know what? Fuck that.” She smirked. “Last week when Amber told me you didn’t like me, that was one of the worst moments of my life, and I’m so sorry I believed her. I think we’ve wasted enough time on this bullshit. For nearly ten years we’ve shared everything from clothes, makeup, to secrets. We can share this, too. You’re my best friend, and yes, I know you’ve said some awful things, but I know that’s not really who you are. Plus, I miss you. So fuck everyone and what they think.” She shrugged.
Even though I knew she was being stupid, my heart swelled at her words. “I don’t expect you to martyr yourself for me. We can hang out again after this whole thing dies down.”
She looped her arm through mine. “Nope. You’re stuck with me. Besides, according to my brother, this isn’t going to die down any time soon. He hasn’t shut up about this video you made and some bathroom stall project he wants to make a documentary of.”
“He hasn’t?” Even though I tried to fight it, a big, stupid grin pulled at my lips.
“Yeah.” She nodded. “So annoying. Something about how your project is going to revolutionize the school.”
“Did he tell you how exactly?” I asked. “Because he keeps calling it my idea, and yet I have no idea what the project is about.”
She laughed. “Typical Nolan. Nope. He didn’t give me any details. Or if he did, I wasn’t listening because it’s, you know, Nolan.”
We turned another corner, and that’s when I saw her—Amber. She stood beside Jeremy, staring vacantly at the ceiling as Taylor yammered in her ear.
“Shit.” Payton’s arm tightened around mine. “Should we go another way?”
As much as I wanted to, I knew I couldn’t spend another day running from my fear. “You can if you want,” I told her. A jagged lump wedged inside my throat. “I won’t be mad. But I have to keep going forward.”
“Okay. Then I’ll go with you.”
I shot her a grateful smile, and together we continued down the hall. Taylor was the first to notice us. Her lips curled into a smile and she whispered something in Amber’s ear. Amber snapped her head in our direction, her eyes locking with mine. Normally, this would be the moment an invisible band would tighten around my chest, rendering me unable to breathe. But not today. I wasn’t sure if it was Payton’s presence, the fact that I knew Amber’s darkest secret, or that I simply didn’t care what people thought anymore, but I stopped directly in front of her. “Hey, Amber.”
Taylor’s mouth dropped. “You think you can actually just talk to her now?”
Amber scowled at her. “Shut up, Taylor.” She grabbed Jeremy’s arm. “Let’s go.” Before he could respond, she dragged him down the hall with Taylor scrambling to keep up.
“Wow.” Payton watched their retreat. “Is it just me, or was that really weird?”
Not so weird if she knew the secret I was keeping for her. “C’mon.” I pulled Payton to my locker. I couldn’t help but feel a pang of regret. I’d really wanted to talk to Amber—to let her know I understood what it felt like to pretend to be something I wasn’t. Not that I thought she would listen, or believe me, for that matter. I didn’t know why I cared in the first place—she was the one who’d tried to ruin my life, after all. Little did she know that by exposing me, she’d actually freed me.
I only hoped someday she would get to stop pretending and live her life how she wanted. Each time I forced myself into the mold of what my mother wanted me to be, I felt myself break. If Amber kept up her act forever, it would only be a matter of time before the broken pieces of her real self were too small to ever be put back together. I didn’t know what happened to people once they were unfixable. I only hoped I never had to find out.
Chapter Seventeen
I stepped inside the cafeteria. My stomach rolled in nauseous waves that had nothing to do with the smell of grease and processed cheese permeating the room. I grabbed Payton’s arm. “I don’t think I can do this.”
“You’ll be fine,” she said. “Just straighten your back, keep your head up, and pretend you own this bitch.”
I shook my head as acid burned up the back of my throat. The voices of nearly five hundred talking and laughing students blended into a buzz that reverberated through my body. “There are so many people—and they all hate me.” My muscles tensed with the desire to flee from the room.
“They’re more afraid of you than you are of them.”
I made a face. “You’re not helping.”
“Wait. I was supposed to be helping?” Payton laughed. “Relax, Regan. You’re not alone. Nolan said he’d meet us here and—look.” She pointed to a table in the corner of the room where her brother stood waving. “Let’s go.”
She pulled me across the cafeteria. Tables of girls ducked their heads together and began whispering feverishly as we passed. I did my best to ignore the glares and murmurs. Several times I felt something hit my back, but I didn’t dare stop to investigate.
When we reached Nolan, he wrapped an arm around my shoulder in the guise of a hug, while his hand swept along my back, brushing away whatever had been thrown at me. He gestured to the chair beside him. I sat
, and Payton took the chair opposite me.
She sighed loudly. “I never dreamed I’d see the day when I’d spend my lunch hour with my brother.”
“That just goes to show you, Pay,” he said, “dreams really do come true.”
She snorted and pulled several plastic containers out of her bag. She opened the first one and pulled out an apple slice.
Nolan had several pieces of pizza piled on his tray. He rolled one into a tube and bit into the end of it.
“God.” Payton wrinkled her nose. “You’re such a freak. You can’t even eat pizza like a normal person.”
He frowned at her while he chewed. After he swallowed, he turned to me. “You don’t think I’m a freak, do you?”
“I think you’re cute—but I never said anything about not thinking you’re a freak.” Smiling, I bumped his shoulder with mine.
He grinned back in such a way that my stomach quivered. “I’ll take cute.” He slid his tray over. “Want a slice?”
I shook my head. “I better not. Nerves.”
Payton glared at me and pushed a small container of hummus. She held out a cracker. “Eat.”
“Yes, Mom.” I took the cracker from her. I guessed something little wouldn’t hurt. But no sooner had I bit into the hummus-dipped cracker than Blake appeared and set her tray down on the other side Nolan.
“Oh hey, Blake’s here,” Nolan said cheerily.
“Hey,” she muttered. She sat and glared at me over his shoulder, turning the cracker I’d swallowed into lead as it slid down my throat.
“So guess what?” Nolan smiled. “I told Blake all about our project, and she thinks it’s a great idea.”
Blake rolled her eyes and turned her attention to the salad on her tray. She speared a cucumber with enough force that her fork shook the plastic container.
Payton and I exchanged frowns.
“Anyway,” Nolan continued, his smile wavering. “Once I finish editing the video, our next step is going to be deciding the best way to reveal it. Afterward, we begin phase two of Operation Bathroom Graffiti.”
“Which is what, exactly?” Payton asked.
His grin widened. “I can’t ruin the surprise. All I can say is that it’s going to be amazing. Which brings me to my next order of business.” He laced his fingers together on the table. “Regan, I need to talk to your mom.”
I laughed, sure I’d heard him wrong. “You’re joking, right?”
“I’m dead serious. I would love to have a congresswoman’s endorsement before I talk to the principal about our project.” He tore another chunk out of his pizza roll.
No longer hungry, I set the remainder of my cracker aside. “That’s a really bad idea. Mom doesn’t really do support that well.”
Nolan swallowed and waved a hand in the air. “Once she hears about our project, there’s no way she won’t be crazy about it.”
Payton snickered. “Oh, I’m sure the word ‘crazy’ will come up.”
I ignored her. “You keep calling this our project, but I don’t see how that’s possible, as I don’t know the first thing about it.”
“Pshh. It was your idea.” Nolan took another bite of pizza.
I opened my mouth to argue when I was kicked beneath the table. I jerked back against my chair as pain jolted up my shin. I turned from Nolan to face Payton. “Ow. Why would you—” I stopped when I noticed her pointing over my shoulder. Her lips were pressed tight and her eyes held none of their earlier amusement.
With a sinking feeling, I turned very slowly in my chair.
Amber stood behind me with a water bottle in hand. What little hummus I’d eaten recoiled in my stomach out of fear of an altercation. Then I realized she hadn’t seen me yet. She was too busy scanning the cafeteria, searching for—I had no idea. Possibly looking for a place to sit or watching for people to avoid. She nervously chewed on her lip, and it tugged something inside me. I knew exactly what it felt like to be alone. Before I could stop myself, I called out, “Hey, Amber, want to sit with us?”
Another jolt of pain rocketed up my leg as Payton issued another kick. I jerked upright in my chair but managed to smile through the pain. Nolan stared at me as if I’d just announced I was actually a member of an alien race and was awaiting a spaceship to return to my home planet. Blake’s lip curled in disgust, and she stabbed her salad with even more ferocity.
I couldn’t blame any of them for not wanting her to sit with us. In all actuality, I wasn’t even sure why I asked—she was the reason my whole life fell apart.
Her head snapped in my direction, her eyes darting between Payton and me. “So you two are in it together? Is that it?”
“In what together?” Payton asked.
Amber opened her mouth, only to snap it shut again as she shook her head. “You know what? Just leave me alone—both of you.” Before we could respond, she set off across the cafeteria. The clip of her heels punctuated every angry footstep.
Payton pushed her box of apple slices aside and leaned across the table. “Okay, just what in the hell is going on?”
I rubbed my leg. “I’m going to have two really nasty bruises. That’s what.”
“That’s not what I meant.” She narrowed her eyes. “You know just as well as I do that Amber does not retreat from a fight. Right now, you’re her number one enemy and she just…ran away.” Payton pointed a finger at me. “You have dirt on her. That’s the only thing that makes sense.”
I looked at the table. It wasn’t that I wanted to keep a secret from my best friend, but it wasn’t just Amber’s secret—it was Christy’s, too. And I’d promised Christy I wouldn’t say anything as long as Amber backed off—and new Regan kept her promises.
“Oh my God. You totally do.” Payton smacked her hands against the table, rattling the silverware on Blake’s tray. “Tell me. Tell me now.”
“Jeez, Pay, calm down.” Nolan dropped his pizza onto his tray. “Maybe Regan has a good reason for not saying anything.”
She rolled her eyes. “You’re an idiot. Amber practically destroyed Regan’s life. Of course she’s going to spill.” She turned to me. “You’re just waiting for the right moment, right?”
Blake leaned around Nolan, watching me expectantly, as if also interested in my answer.
“I…uh…” I swallowed, wanting so badly to tell her. Just last night Nolan had sent me the video I’d taken from the bathroom stall. Payton’s feelings would be hurt if she thought I was keeping secrets from her, and I didn’t want to keep secrets from her. And it would be so easy to forward the video to her, just a couple swipes on my phone and it’d be done. The old me would have done it without question. But the new me, or at least the me I strived to be, couldn’t. That video held secrets that weren’t mine to tell. “I’m sorry, Pay, I can’t.”
Nolan smiled and Blake frowned.
“What?” Payton pushed back from the table, her eyes wide. “You’re kidding right? I thought we were best friends.”
“We are,” I told her. “I-I just don’t want to be that person anymore, the girl who ruins lives—and this secret would ruin two of them. You can kind of understand that, right?”
“I guess so.” She stuck out her bottom lip in a pout. “I just hate not knowing.”
“I don’t know.” I shrugged. “Sometimes I think knowing is worse.”
“Unless you’re suffering in silence,” Blake added.
Payton and I turned to face her. I actually couldn’t believe she’d said anything that wasn’t an insult to me. “What do you mean?”
“I’m thirsty.” Nolan pushed his tray away. “Blake, want to come get a drink with me?” Apparently, Nolan felt the same way. Maybe that’s why he wanted to usher her away, before she had the chance to say something nasty.
Instead of leaving, she waved a hand dismissively. “All I’m saying is when you hold things in, they can start to eat at you—which is why I’m totally in support of your video.”
I tried not to let the surprise show in my voice.
“You are?”
“Oh, yeah.” She nodded. “I’ll admit, I’ve always thought you were a bitch.” Nolan coughed loudly, but she ignored him. “That was until Nolan told me about your project. I’m so on board. In fact, I was thinking about ways to unveil it. Of course there are the obvious channels, YouTube and Facebook. But not everyone has accounts, and it won’t be seen by the entire school—that’s what you want, isn’t it?”
Even though the thought of the entire school watching me admit to my wrongdoings and anxiety disorder made my stomach roll, I nodded. This video was, after all, my only real chance of putting my past behind me.
“Okay,” she continued. “So I was thinking, you guys know that as a member of the broadcasting club, I produce the morning announcements, right?”
Payton and I both shook our heads. I’d never paid much attention to the morning announcements. All I knew was they were recorded live in the broadcasting club room and played every morning during homeroom—and they were boring. Since I didn’t really care about the golf team’s tournament scores, I typically used the time to text back and forth with Payton and Amber.
Blake sighed. “Doesn’t matter. Mr. Jensen usually sits in on the morning show to make sure things run smoothly. Tomorrow he has a dentist appointment and asked me to oversee things. With him gone, I could easily get your video shown after the announcements are read. The entire school would see it.”
The entire school.
The words buzzed inside my head like wasps ready to sting.
“I don’t know.” Nolan sat back down and placed an arm on the back of my chair. “The video still needs editing. I don’t think it will be ready in time.”
“I could help.” Blake smiled brightly. “You know I’m an amazing editor.”
“This is true.” He tapped a finger against his chin. “Regan, what do you think?”
“Uh…”
The entire school.
The cafeteria around me blurred, and I blinked several times to bring it back into focus. That was what I wanted, right? To come clean in front of everyone, to start over, to not be remembered as the horrible girl who talked shit and spread rumors.
