by Pat Barrow
I heard Dad talking to Aunty Nicky one night after I’d gone to bed and he seemed to be suggesting that my low spirits meant that I was suffering from depression brought on because it was all too much for me being forced to go and see Mum and how for her sake I’d put on a brave face and pretended I liked it. “She always wants to please her mum and get it right for her. Poor Hetty.” But that wasn’t true, I knew it, they’d got it so wrong. I loved my mum, I loved her so much, but I didn’t know how to. But I was even surer now that Dad really didn’t want me to even see her. He must still be convinced it wasn’t safe with her. Perhaps…well, I didn’t know. I felt safe, but perhaps Dad knew the truth and just wasn’t telling me. My head felt like it was bursting with confusion.
My friends at school began to comment. “What’s happened to you, Hetty, you just don’t seem interested in anything anymore?” Then they’d wander off because I wasn’t much fun to be with. I was quiet in class and I think all the teachers must have noticed it. But when I went to Mum’s, then somehow I became bright and cheerful, sinking back into deep despair when it was time to go back to Dad’s.
Then out of the blue one morning, Dad suddenly announced, “I’m going to take it all back to court. Remember a few months ago, I talked to a judge about you and Jonty, well the arrangements have just got out of control and I know it’s all got too much for you, Hetty. I want it sorted properly; I really think that your mum’s visits, well, they need to be limited now. It’s all too much for all of us and, Hetty, you’ve changed so much it’s painful to see and I can’t let it go on.” I just stared at him. I couldn’t respond. The words were stuck in my throat, no sound would come out. I just hoped that maybe Carol would come and talk to us so that… But even my thoughts were a jumble – would I say anything even to her? I didn’t know, I just didn’t know. All I did know was how desperately sad I felt – a sadness like I’d never experienced before, a lonely aching wretchedness.
Chapter 16
Before that could happen, there were changes which I never envisaged would spark off such a chain of events. We were at Mum’s for our usual alternate weekend, chilling out together after tea. Out of the blue, she said, “I’ve got something important to tell you and Jonty. It’s about work. They’ve asked me if I’ll go to their Aberystwyth branch for four weeks. It would be really good if I could do it. It would stand me in good stead to get the promotion I’m in line for and now that Dad and I aren’t together any more, I want to make a go of my career.” Then almost as an afterthought, she added, “I’m sure your dad will agree to swap weekends so there aren’t long gaps. I’ll have a word with him. What do you think, kids?” On one hand, we were pleased for her, pleased that she had got a chance to get on at work but of course we both knew we would miss her like anything. The long gap in seeing her after she and Dad had split up was still vividly imprinted on both my mind and Jonty’s.
“You mean we won’t see you at all during those four weeks?” Jonty blurted out, blinking hard to stop the tears.
“Yes, of course I’ll come back up and see you but I’m hoping that your dad will be willing to swap so that I can see you for a bit longer before I go and then when I come back.” That sounded fine but a huge black cloud hovered above me. I’d got used to nothing working out how I wanted it to and somehow I knew Dad wouldn’t make anything easy for Mum.
I guess deep down, we weren’t keen on the idea of Mum going, but there wasn’t anything we could do so we left it up to Mum to chat to Dad. A few days later, Dad brought it up. “So your mum’s gallivanting off to Aber then, is she?”
“I think it’s work, Dad,” I quietly retorted.
“Aha that’s what she tells you, is it?” His laugh was loud and he had a big grin on his face as he said, “Remember that boyfriend I told you she had? Well, I bet he’s going to be in Aber too – just a coincidence of course. Anyhow, sorry kids it really isn’t possible to do any swapping or adding extra days – it’s far too messy. No, we need to leave arrangements as they are till the court gets them properly sorted. So, you’re going to have to get used to not having her around for a while. Never mind, I expect she’ll ring you. That is if she remembers and has got her phone and a signal where she’s staying and of course if she isn’t far too busy with work.” He gave a little snigger and a shrug of his shoulders.
But of course he’d done it again. He’d sown those seeds of doubt in my mind. Why did he have to mention Mum’s boyfriend? She’d told me that he didn’t exist and yet Dad was so certain she was lying, so certain that he was around and that he’d be going to Aber too and like that was the real reason that Mum was going away. I felt bad about it, I didn’t want to doubt Mum but Dad was so convincing. I didn’t really know what to believe. I had a go at Mum when we next saw her. “Mum, why are you really going to Aber?”
She looked surprised. “What do you mean, Hetty? Why am I really going? It’s for work, I’m going to the branch there like I told you.”
“Well, are you sure it’s really for work? You’re sure you’re not just, like, going away? Dad says –” But then I stopped, Mum looked so sad and so surprised, Dad must have got it all wrong. I hated myself for doubting her.
She put her arms around me and hugged me. “Of course it’s for work, Hetty, but look, if it’s really that difficult for you, I’ll just tell them I can’t go.”
“No, no, no, don’t do that, don’t do that.” How could I possibly have the responsibility of stopping my mum getting on in her job, that just wasn’t fair. She couldn’t ask me to do that and I couldn’t be so mean. But I don’t know, I just had this niggly, niggly feeling. It just wouldn’t go away. Dad was so, so convincing and, well I couldn’t, or was it wouldn’t, believe that he’d lie to me so blatantly.
She was going to be away for the second half of April and part of May and the Saturday before she was due to travel on the Sunday soon came around. I guess we were both a bit clingier than usual and snappy with each other, but Mum couldn’t conceal her excitement so we both tried to hide our sadness. “Look, I’ll ring you during the week, I promise and then I’ll be up, not next weekend but the one after that because that’s our weekend together. It’s a shame that Dad can’t swap but he says he’s got something really important arranged that day for you and it would be a bit unfair for that to have to be changed.” I looked in surprise. I didn’t believe that Dad had got anything arranged. Then it dawned on me, or rather it hit me like a sledgehammer, Dad wasn’t going to do anything to make it easier for Mum. I’d always suspected that but I knew for sure now. We had lots of big hugs and then Dad was there and Mum had gone.
I was pretty miserable all the following day. It was Sunday and it should have been when I was with Mum, but instead of that, she was driving to Aber to get settled in before work the next morning. I consoled myself with planning the next weekend together even though it was two whole weeks away. But then, there was another surprise. Dad came home really excited the following Wednesday. “Guess what kids, you know you’ve been waiting ages and ages, Hetty, to go horse riding again?” I looked up with a big smile on my face, Jonty and I had loved riding when we were younger and Mum and Dad were together but since they had split up, there just hadn’t been any opportunity. Now, Dad had sussed out a riding stables not far from where Aunty Nicky lived and they had got some spaces and I was going to go on Saturday mornings from 9 till 10.30. Yippee! I was so excited!
“And Jonty, you’ve wanted to do Tae Kwon Do for so long? Well, I’ve found a club that you can start at on Saturdays too. It’s from 1 till 2 each Saturday. How about that then, mate? We can go and get your new kit ordered. And Hetty, we’ll have to make sure your riding gear still fits or whether you need anything new. I bet those jodhpurs are far too small and maybe your head has got bigger too and you will need a new hat.” I was over the moon and so was Jonty – I just loved Dad to bits. Of course, it never dawned on me then that he knew exactly how to win me over and oh so surreptitiously erode our time with Mum.
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At the time, such thoughts were far from our minds. We were so excited, so thrilled about the new activities that we sort of forgot all about Mum. It sounds awful now but that’s how Dad worked. He whipped up our enthusiasm so there was no room for anything else. We ordered some new jodhpurs because I’d grown loads over the last few months. My riding hat did still fit all right so I guess my head was still the same size. Jonty was very proud to get his kit. He kept putting it on and showing us all. Dad got him a book so that he could begin to see some of the moves he would be learning. He seemed really keen, happier than I’d seen him for a long time. And I was over the moon. I couldn’t wait to tell all my friends.
Mum had promised to phone on Wednesday evening and Dad explained that she would ring his mobile in case we were out – we never went out on Wednesdays so that was a bit odd. I listened out all evening but no call came and in spite of my protests, Dad insisted on bed at our usual time. “But Dad,” I started, “Mum said she’d ring.”
“Well, she hasn’t, has she?” said Dad with a smile. “I guess she forgot or she’s too busy – never mind.”
“But Dad…” He wouldn’t have it and packed me off to bed. I felt sad, let down, disappointed. Had Mum really forgotten? Were we so unimportant? Those thoughts just rattled around my head.
Mum phoned on the Friday night, this time she used the home phone and Dad answered. “Hey kids, it’s your mum. Do you want to talk to her?”
“Of course we do.” We both dived on the phone together, trying to talk at once. She was so pleased to hear about the Tae Kwon Do and about the horse riding. We forgot to tell her when it was, just that we were so excited about it. Mum told us a little bit about work and how challenging it was but what lovely people they were there and that she was staying with somebody who worked at the office so it was far better than at a hotel. She had walked along the seafront and nearly got blown away but most of all, she was really missing us and was looking forward to coming up the following Friday and to seeing us on the Saturday and Sunday. She wouldn’t need to drive back until Sunday lunch time so we’d have plenty of time together. Then I blurted out, “Mum, why didn’t you phone on Wednesday like you promised?”
Her immediate response hit me full on. “I tried all evening but your dad’s phone wasn’t on, Hetty, he must have accidentally switched it off.” I wanted that to be true but a bit of me knew that Dad’s phone was never off.
The next week and a half were difficult. Dad and Aunty never mentioned Mum. They certainly didn’t acknowledge that we might be missing her so Jonty and I kept our ‘Mum thoughts’ to ourselves. I was dead excited on the Saturday morning when Dad drove me off to the riding stables. I wanted to get there really early. It was absolutely fantastic. Maria, the owner of the stables, took me around to see all the different ponies and showed me the one I would normally be riding. Her name was Blossom. She was a beautiful roan. Because I’d been riding before, she wasn’t one of the staid, plodding ponies, but had a bit of life and spirit about her and I was going to join the second group, not the novice group. We spent that first lesson in the indoor riding school. I was surprised how much I could remember. Our teacher, Jodie, was really, really nice. She was quite strict and made sure that we rode exactly as she told us. She didn’t want us to get into any bad habits.
I’d rather hoped that Dad would have stayed to watch but he disappeared. I guess he was busy. Anyhow, he was back just before half past ten and as I was saying goodbye to Blossom and telling her that I would see her again the next week, Jodie shouted me over. “Hey Hetty, have you heard about Pony Club?! We meet on Friday nights, just wondering is that something you’d fancy doing? You just pay once a year and then it’s one pound a week. We go to the gymkhanas in summer and do lots of things together and it means that you can come and help then and take part in some of the events. What do you reckon? We could ask your dad if you like.” Well, I was over the moon. Absolutely ecstatic and when Dad sauntered over, I couldn’t wait to tell him.
“Hey, hey, whoa, wait a minute! Let’s go and talk to Jodie to see what it’s all about.” I was surprised how quickly Dad agreed to sign me up for the Friday nights so there it was Friday nights and Saturday mornings – how exciting! My life was suddenly fantastic.
Jonty came back from his Tae Kwon Do absolutely ecstatic. It had been great, he loved it and there were lots and lots of opportunities for him to go in for competitions and enter for grades which awarded different belts. He was really, really excited about it. A couple of boys he knew from school already went so he had been able to pal up with them. “So that’s a definite then, Jonty? You really want to go every week?”
“Yes, please,” he said, with the biggest beam I’d seen in ages across his face.
“And you, Hetty? Saturday mornings and Friday nights – that’s fine for you?”
“Yes, that’s great,” I said.
“Okay, I’ll let your mum know.”
Well, it was like my world just shattered and I was spinning towards a bottomless pit. My heart started thumping. Grief! I thought. What have I done? It’s Mum’s time and I’ve gone and arranged all these things so there won’t be any space for Mum. I looked at Dad just wanting him to reassure me and say something that would make it better. But he just smiled. “I’ll have a word with her next time she rings and make sure she understands it’s what you want. Okay, kids?” And with that, he’d gone.
“Oh, Jonty, what will Mum say? It means we can’t ever do anything with her ’cos we’ve gone and taken up all her time now.”
“I’m not swapping my Tae Kwon Do, I’ve waited ages to go to that, it’s not fair if I can’t go any more!” screamed Jonty in a real strop. I was torn to bits. Of course I wanted to do my pony riding, I’d missed it like anything over the last few months and I’d always wanted to join a pony club group. But I wanted my mum and I just didn’t know what to do – Dad somehow seemed glad that it was all such a mess.
All the elation that I had felt about going horse riding again, it just sort of like evaporated and when the phone rang a few days later, it was with bated breath that I waited for Dad to say something to Mum. He took the phone out of the room, so I couldn’t really hear what was said. A few minutes later, he came back and thrust the pone in my direction. “Here, have a chat to your mum, tell her that it’s what you want, both of you, it’s not what I’ve chosen. It’s your choice entirely, nothing to do with me except of course I’m paying.” So he was dumping it all on us. It was all our fault. I knew all this was my fault. I knew that I was to blame. I knew that I was the cause of all the trouble. I must be such a horrid, horrid, horrid person. I didn’t deserve anybody to love me. Those thoughts just flashed through my mind.
“Oh Mum, Mum, I’ve missed you so much,” I sobbed down the phone. She was really lovely. She didn’t even mention the Friday or Saturday to us and so of course, I was unbelievably relieved.
When we saw her the following weekend, we were really excited. Dad had arranged for her to meet us both after Jonty’s Tae Kwon Do. Mum suggested that we went out for a meal that evening in Shrewsbury. It was a real treat for us. “Can we go to Pizza Hut please?” said Jonty.
“Oh go on then, all right, Pizza Hut it is.” So off we went, although I would personally have preferred to go to the new Zizzi’s restaurant in town.
It was whilst we were eating our chocolate sundaes, another special treat, that Mum brought it up. “So you’ve got horse riding and Tae Kwon Do arranged now each weekend? That’s really good, but maybe it would have been better if we’d all discussed it first because it does mean that we haven’t got very much time together.”
“But, Mum, you could come and watch.” I felt a wave of panic, why was she making it hard?
“Well, yes of course I could and I’d love to do that, but I meant if we wanted to go out or go away for the weekend or do something altogether, it’s going to make it a bit difficult.”
“Well, I’m not missing Tae Kwon Do for anything
,” said Jonty glaring at his chocolate sundae.
“No Jonty, I’m not saying that, I’m just saying we need to work out how we can manage it all.” I didn’t say anything; my heart was thumping so hard and I just stared at my chocolate sundae too.
In spite of that, I enjoyed the time we did have with Mum, it was really, really good and I just knew how much I loved her, how much I missed her. I was so sorry to have to say goodbye to her Sunday teatime. Usually at weekends, she’d drop us at school on the Monday morning, but of course she had to get back to Aber. “It’s half way through now kids, so it won’t be that long before I’m back and then maybe your dad and I can to sit down and sort something out so we can have more fun time together and you can do pony riding and Tae Kwon Do as well.” Once again, my heart dropped, I just somehow knew that Dad wasn’t going to arrange anything with Mum, he just seemed to be so gleeful if it meant that she didn’t get as much time with us. I hated thinking that but a bit of me knew it was true. Somehow, it felt like it was a competition with us as the prizes, like at a fairground, throwing the hoops to see who could hook us first.
A few days later, I was snuggling up to Dad watching a film, Aunty Nicky was out and Jonty was lying across the other half of the settee with his feet on Dad. “You know kids, it’s because I love you so much that I arrange these things for you, activities that I know you both really, really like doing. It’s just what any mum or dad who really loves you would do. They don’t mind that you do all the things you want, they don’t start talking about my time and your time, but just what makes you two happy, when you have fun. It’s about knowing the right things to arrange for you, that’s why I set up the Tae Kwon Do and took the opportunity for you to go riding again, Hetty, because I know that’s what you really wanted. It’s a bit of a shame if your mum sees it as me taking her time away from her, it’s not like that at all. If she really loved you and it wasn’t just about her, if she really loved you, she’d see that and she’d be absolutely delighted for you just like I am.” It sort of made sense what he said. But I couldn’t quite get my head around the bit about Mum not loving us as much as Dad did.
