by Pat Barrow
I brushed it off. “Yes. It must have been puppy fat; I guess it just goes naturally at my age.”
“You look a bit pale,” Dad carried on. “Maybe you need a boost, I tell you what, I’ll get Amy to suggest something suitable.” Bloody Amy! What does he have to ask her for? I wanted to hate her, it just made it so much easier even though a bit of me really liked being with her and I actually liked the dad that I had when they were together. But that was being disloyal to Mum and… Oh, help please help, I can’t go on like this, my life it just seems such a mess and it’s all my fault.
The following Saturday was bright and sunny, quite surprising for a November day. When I finished my riding lesson, I looked up and there was Mum standing by the office. I ran to her and flung my arms around her. “Oh Het, I’ve missed you so much,” she whispered. I saw her looking quizzically at me. “Gosh you’ve lost weight, Hetty.”
I tried to brush her comments away. “Well, maybe a pound or two, it’s just natural for me to lose weight at my age.”
She smiled and said, “Anyhow, let’s make the most of our time together. I thought we could go to Montgomery Castle. I made some of that soup you love and I thought we call and get some chips to go with it.”
“Oh, I’ve gone off chips Mum, but the soup, that’d be fine and maybe we can have some fruit or something.” I didn’t look at her because I knew that Mum could read me like a book, her mind would be whirring around thinking, ‘What’s going on here?’ But she didn’t say anything.
It was great climbing up to Montgomery Castle – we could see for miles around and it was somewhere that I’d always loved going to. We had our soup and a good tramp around. I challenged her about Dad’s move demanding to know what she’d done to resist. She looked so hurt and so sad. “Yes, he told me, Hetty, he didn’t ask me – it was all decided before he told me and believe me there’s nothing I can do about it.”
“But Mum, can’t you go back to court? Can you fight him?” I knew it was futile but I just wanted her to. I don’t know what I wanted her to do. I guess I just didn’t want it to be so easy for Dad.
“Het, I can’t fight any more, I really can’t. I just don’t have any strength left. Whatever I do, your dad just finds another way to undermine my relationship with you and with Jonty.”
“But that’s not fair, Mum, that really isn’t fair. You’re the one who moved away, Dad’s only doing the same thing.” I knew how hurtful my remarks were and hang on a minute, why was I defending him? I just seemed to bat from one to the other, that’s why I was so screwed up and unhappy. It was futile to talk about it anymore and I guess both Mum and I realised that and we just wanted the rest of the time we had together to be good but I know we both kept our conversation superficial skirting around the issues that really mattered.
I was worried when we drove back to meet Jonty but Mum seemed quite buoyant and confident that he’d be fine. I didn’t know what to expect. If Dad turned up, I was pretty sure that Jonty wouldn’t even come with us. Mercifully, Dad wasn’t around and Jonty came bouncing over to us and gave Mum a hug. The next few hours were just like old times. Jonty took a little while to relax but he was soon laughing and joking like the old Jonty. Before Mum dropped us off, she made arrangements to collect us from home the next day and I saw a look of panic cross Jonty’s face. Although he didn’t say anything, I just knew that it wouldn’t be straightforward and I was even more certain that Dad wouldn’t help.
I tried to chat with Jonty later but he just kept shaking his head and saying, “It’s difficult, it’s difficult with Dad you don’t know how hard it is.”
“I do know, but Jonty Mum loves you, you can’t just give up on her. That’s so mean and selfish.”
“I can’t just give up on Dad either. You’re being horrible to him,” said Jonty. “Now go away and leave me alone.” And with that, he slammed his bedroom door shut. I guess he was just as screwed up as I was, but he showed it differently.
Dad was annoyed because I didn’t want any breakfast the next day. “Don’t be ridiculous, Hetty, you need to eat and if this is what it means when you go out with your mum, then I won’t allow any more visits.”
I grabbed an apple from the side. “Jonty, aren’t you ready yet?!” I screamed outside his door.
“I’ve got tummy ache, I’m not sure I can come.”
“Oh but Jonty, Mum will be so disappointed,” I pleaded with him, I was frantic.
“It’s not about Mum, it’s about me. You know what Dad said, I haven’t got to be put under any pressure. It’s up to me to choose.” He sounded just like Dad, not the Jonty I knew. I hated him then I felt an overwhelming anger – not with Jonty, but with Dad.
“But Jonty, we had such a good time yesterday. Look it’s five to ten, Mum’s outside, she’s waiting to collect us. Please, please come!” The door remained firmly shut.
Dad stomped up the stairs. “I told you, Hetty, I’m not having Jonty put under any pressure, it’s up to him to decide. Now Jonty, do you want to go or not?” Put like that what could he say? Well, it was obvious really.
“No, I don’t want to, I don’t want to go, Dad. I’m scared.” I could hear Jonty sobbing and of course, Dad assumed it was because Jonty thought he was being forced against his will to see Mum. It never entered Dad’s head that Jonty was as hurt and confused as I was.
“Right now, Hetty, no arguing, you heard what he’s saying loud and clear. Off you go and tell your mum he doesn’t want to come.” So, that was it – just as I knew, Dad wasn’t going to even attempt to encourage Jonty.
“But –”
“No buts, young lady. If you want to see your mum, that’s up to you but Jonty’s told you quite clearly he doesn’t want to come. Off you go. And be back by half past five at the latest.”
I could see Mum’s disappointment. “Why don’t you say something to Dad?” I asked her.
“Hetty, it’s no good. I can’t.” I looked at her in amazement.
“You mean you’re just going to give up on him?”
“It’s not like that. You don’t understand, you’re a child.”
“I’m not a child, I’m nearly fourteen, I know what I’m doing and I know what Dad’s doing to you and it’s not fair. But why can’t you do something? You’re meant to be the grown up.”
“Look, I know all this is too difficult for Jonty. I realise that and much as it hurts me not to even see him, I’m not going to make it worse for him by rowing with your dad. He knows I love him and that I always will and if it means that at the moment we can’t see much of each other, then that’s how it will be. I don’t want him to hate me and believe me, Hetty, if I force him, then he will. I really don’t want that, Hetty, believe me, there isn’t any other way.” Tears streamed down her face and she made no attempt to brush them away.
I looked at her in horror. A bit of me knew that what she said was right, but I had this overwhelming anger welling up inside me. I was angry with Dad, I knew that but I couldn’t admit it; that was too dangerous so my anger spilled over onto Mum and I screamed at her, “That’s so unfair, Mum! You’re just blaming Dad for everything. You’re the one who left, you’re the one who ran away, you’re the one who made Jonty feel like he didn’t matter anymore.” I knew it wasn’t true and I knew that I was hurting her, but I didn’t know how to stop the flow of words released from that burning anger threatening to destroy me.
In spite of that, we enjoyed our day together although if I’m honest, it was like a big black cloud hanging over us and I knew that sitting up on top of that big black cloud was Dad. We were all his puppets. He pulled the strings and we danced, we danced to his tune, there was no choice.
It was so hard saying goodbye to Mum at half past five. I didn’t know when I’d see her again. Hopefully, sometime in the Christmas holidays, but there was no certainty in spite of the court order. According to Dad, that’s when we were moving to Cardiff. I remember watching Mum drive off down the road, my heart gave a lurch. “I�
�ve already had my tea,” I insisted, as soon as I got in. I hadn’t but I needed to feel that hunger, I needed that to ease my pain.
“Well surprise, surprise, at least she got you here on time,” said Dad barely giving me a second glance. But he didn’t say anything else. He didn’t ask me a thing about our day or how Mum was, it was like she just didn’t exist.
Chapter 36
The autumn term went fast. I tried to blank out the realisation that we were going to move. I couldn’t bear to consider how I was going to cope. I loved Suzie, she was the one person I would always rely on, she was always there for me, she knew me inside out so it didn’t make sense that I kept falling out with her. One day she confronted me. “Hetty, I really don’t know what’s got into you. I know you’re moving away, I know it’s hard ’cos it is for me too. I know what’s happened about your mum but why do you have to be so horrible to me? I thought we were friends, I thought we trusted each other. It just seems like you’ve closed up and don’t want to talk and I’m really worried about you, Hetty, you’ve lost so much weight, you just seem, well, different somehow.” I burst into tears.
“I just don’t know how to go on, Suzie, I really don’t. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know whether my dad’s right and that my mum really doesn’t want me, or whether it’s like my head’s telling me that’s just not true, that it’s my dad who doesn’t want my mum to have me because he can’t have her. It’s all or nothing with Dad it always has been, but I just need him. I don’t know how to even exist without him and I know it’s like Jonty said ages ago if I have my mum, I can’t have my dad and oh, Suzie, what shall I do?” It all just flooded out along with huge sobs, as I clung to her with my tears splashing onto her shirt collar.
Talking to Suzie of course didn’t magic all my problems away but it made me feel a bit better about Mum and Dad. At least she understood how awful it was but my denial of food was a different story – a secret I kept locked away deep inside – my way of surviving – denying food and then not giving in to my hunger was a compulsion, an obsession. I needed that gnawing hunger and the power of refusing to satisfy it because then I felt like I wasn’t losing control completely. It seems crazy now that I used refusing food, albeit subconsciously to help me cope with the pain of having to choose between my mum and dad and then losing everything that mattered to me.
There were hugs and tears and promises to keep in touch that last day of term. I shall never forget it. Suzie and I clung to each other. “I’ll come and see you often,” I promised, “and you must come and see me. Please, please Suzie, do come!”
“Of course, I will. I’m not going to forget my best friend, am I? But you’ll make new friends at your new school, you’re bound to and that will make it easier. She sounded so confident – so sure of herself – I was full of fears and self-doubt. And I’m sure your mum is going to make as many opportunities as she can to see you. At least there’s a court order so your dad’s got to honour the holidays.”
She didn’t know my dad. “I don’t think he will, I don’t think he could care less,” I protested. “He knows that Mum can’t go back to court, she can’t afford it so what can she do about it?” I know I sounded defeatist but I’d lost faith in mum.
The move and settling in to Amy’s flat went by in a daze. It was just before Christmas. What a stupid time to move. I just wanted to see my mum but Dad brushed the idea aside every time I even mentioned it. I hadn’t had a letter for the last couple of weeks ’cos of our post being redirected, but maybe one had come and Dad hadn’t let me have it. I just didn’t know any more, I didn’t trust either of them. I rang Mum a couple of times and on the second occasion, she told me that she and Dad had arranged for her to see me in Shrewsbury for a few days after Christmas, no going back to Whitley Bay. We’d be staying at Aunty Nicky’s and going out with Mum on a couple of days. Dad had to tie up some business ends in Welshpool so he wasn’t really doing Mum a favour as he insisted. Jonty and I went with him as planned and we all stayed at my aunty’s. It was good to see her and Uncle Colin. Mum came down on the train because the weather was so unpredictable and I spent the day with her. I didn’t even dare to mention to Dad that it was meant to be two days, he just got so angry. “I’m trying to settle us in our new home and get used to a new job, Hetty, how on earth do you think I have time or space to arrange for you to see your mum for more than one day? It’s just not on, don’t be ridiculous, you’re lucky to even see her on one day. Can’t you even be grateful? You’re so selfish.” His words stung, I hated it when he criticised me because when I wasn’t what he wanted then I knew he didn’t love me anymore. The looks he gave me were like the looks he used to give my mum. It felt like cold water pouring down my back and I was scared, really scared. Of course, Jonty came with us to Shrewsbury and he enjoyed seeing Aunty Nicky and Uncle Colin again but of course, he wanted to spend as much time as possible with his best friend in Welshpool. He begrudgingly agreed to see Mum with me so we could have lunch together in his favourite restaurant and wasn’t at all bothered that the planned two-day visit was now just one day. He was excited about living in Cardiff and the prospect of going to a new school and being by the seaside, they were all just too tempting for him. They’d won him over.
Well, on the surface they had, but I can see now that he was hurting just as much as me, he just showed it differently. He immersed himself in all the new stuff so he could block out all the pain and hurt. That was his way of coping and of course, it secured his position with Dad. We were both going to a nearby private school so of course we had long school holidays and it was the second week of January when term began. The girls were all friendly and made me really welcome and it seemed like it was going to be okay but little did I realise that their initial enthusiasm would soon dissipate as they went back to their cliques and established friendship groups and I was left a hanger on, friends but on the outside of every group. I didn’t have anybody special and I sank back into myself even more. I think the other girls probably thought I was a bit odd, the girl who never seemed to eat anything, a bit of a party pooper. I looked really thin by now but Dad was so wrapped up in his new relationship with Amy and settling in to his new job that he hardly noticed. He just seemed to let me fend for myself much of the time. So not eating was easy and slowly, I became a slave to my obsession.
I’d always been clever and a high achiever and I was determined to do well academically, at least that would please Dad and he’d be so proud of me. I got good grades and was near the top of my form so it was something of a shock when at Parents’ Evening, several members of staff expressed their concerns that they were worried that although I was academic I was so lacking in confidence, so introverted, so distant and so unwilling to put myself forward yet they were sure that I’d got hidden capabilities. They queried with Dad whether there were issues at home and of course that made him really angry; he hated people prying into what he called our personal life, it was private and always had been. I could sense his tension and saw the flush to his face as he brushed the suggestion aside, “No, no everything’s fine but there are a few problems with her mother. She’s gone off and abandoned her.” I opened my mouth to try and speak but no words came out. I didn’t even have the guts to defend my mum, I hated myself. Of course, the teachers thought that she was the problem and pitied me because I no longer had a mum who was either interested in or cared about me. Was that perhaps the best way of thinking about her? Would it make it less painful if I convinced myself that she really didn’t care? It would please my dad. So yes, it would make life easier. I hated myself but I knew that that’s what I was going to do. It was the only choice I had, so I grabbed it with both hands.
Chapter 37
Dad came to my room that evening after I’d gone to bed. He must have heard me sobbing. He sat beside me and put his hand on my head and stroked my hair. “What’s up, my love?” It was just like having my old dad back, I could feel my heart thumping, I wanted to please him so the
words just poured out.
“Oh Dad, I’m in just such a muddle and you know I’ve been thinking you’re right, you’ve been right all along – I just didn’t see it – I didn’t want to but I know now. Mum clearly doesn’t love us anymore, that’s why she went away. I know you’ve always said that but I didn’t want to believe it and I guess that’s been upsetting me.” I knew what I was saying was lies but I saw this look of pleasure – there wasn’t really any other way of describing it – cross my dad’s face. He put his arms around me and hugged me close to him.
“Oh Het, I’m so pleased we’ve got to the bottom of what’s worrying you. I’ve been really bothered about you. I knew there was something that was stopping you eating and meaning that you weren’t settling in your new school and now I know it’s because you’ve been trying to make out that your mum is a different person to the one she really is. Now you’ve faced the truth about her it’ll be a million times better.”
“Traitor, traitor, traitor!” the parrot on my shoulder screamed in my ear. “You miserable, little worthless creature, you’ve sold your mum down the line!” I batted those thoughts away. I’d got my dad back.
If anything, controlling the food I ate, or rather didn’t eat got even worse after that. By publicly denouncing Mum and saying that I didn’t really care about her any more meant that the pain I felt at losing her was even greater but I had to keep it hidden. The reality was that I’d made a difficult situation even more complicated because now Dad could use what I’d said to him as a reason for batting Mum off even further.
I knew that we were meant to go to Whitley Bay in February half term when Mum wrote to say that she was looking forward to us staying there for the week. But Dad immediately piped up with, “Gosh, I’ve got that much work on with this new job I really don’t have time to be driving up half way and then again at the end of the week. If your mum wants you, she’s going to have to come down and fetch you and then bring you back. I don’t suppose you’re really bothered now, are you kids? Now we’ve all learnt the truth about her.” My heart started thumping, my mouth felt dry, I bit my lip, fighting back the tears. I knew that Mum couldn’t drive to and from Cardiff and then back again.
