by David Mamet
DEFENDANT:… how would that benefit the community?
{Pause)
JUDGE: You're kidding.
DEFENDANT: NO. (Pause)
JUDGE: While the offender is so-engaged, is he out exposing himself to schoolchildren … ?
DEFENDANT: NO.
JUDGE: Then shut the fuck up.
PROSECUTOR: Begging the Court's pardon.
JUDGE: Fuck you, you little Suck-Ass. What do you say to that?
PROSECUTOR: Your Honor. (Hangs up phone) A pressing, a pressing familial need, Your Honor, forces me to ask Your Honor, if we could return to the pro …
JUDGE: And they're called vibrators. I oughta know.
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor. We have a plan to bring Peace to the Middle East.
JUDGE: My God, Man. Why haven't you Spoke Up?
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: We have here a method, arrived at by my client…
JUDGE: DO you think I'm Made of Stone?
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: The representatives of Two Great Powers.
JUDGE: DO you think one Little Comment at the nineteenth hole disqualifies me from feeling for the Poor
Jews?
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: NO, Your Honor, no.
JUDGE: The poor persecuted Jews and Arabs?
PROSECUTOR:… Your …
JUDGE:… who slog it out in heat and in humidity we civilized, white folk cannot imagine … ?
PROSECUTOR:… Your …
JUDGE: Fuck that. Yes. The White Race is unsuited, yes, to labor in that Equatorial Heat. God, in His mercy, assigned this people to rule and that to work. The Darkies, in the field, bent over, singing, swinging their hips in that rhythmic … that… that…
BAILIFF: Your Honor …
JUDGE: YOU know what, I want to confess …
BAILIFF: Your Honor, may I…
JUDGE: Gimme my pills.
BAILIFF: Your Honor, may I have those, please … ? (BAILIFF takes the pills)}
JUDGE: I want to confess.
BAILIFF: Your Honor, the listed side effects for your prescription …
JUDGE: Fuck that, into a cocked hat. I want to confess.
BAILIFF: Court is adjourned …
JUDGE: Unh Uh, Unh Uh.
BAILIFF: Your Honor …
JUDGE: Everyone else gets to confess. You guilty, guilty scum. “The dog ate my homework.” “I had a Twinkie, that's why I shot the Pope.” What fucking bullshit. And I am forced, in the name of a “paycheck,” to, to feed my “little ones,” Lil Mickey, Lil Sue. Susie? What did I do? Susie I, I was drunk. That ever happen to you? One night. I swear to God one night. Two nights, at most. Susie? I didn't think that you'd remember.
BAILIFF:… court is adjourned …
(The BAILIFF starts to lead the JUDGE away.)
JUDGE: DO kids remember that far back?
BAILIFF: Your Honor …
JUDGE: Do they? I don't know. I'm asking. Anybody have kids?
PROSECUTOR: I …
JUDGE: I just can't take the burden anymore. What am I… Switzerland} A country with no feelings… ? You think that I don't have feelings? What do you think, I'm made of Curds and Whey? I'm flesh and blood, like any other man. Look, look, look, if you cut me, do I not bleed? Gimme that letter opener.
BAILIFF: Short recess … (Pause)
PROSECUTOR: Well. It seems …
(The JUDGE comes back into the courtroom, the BAILIFF behind him)
BAILIFF: All rise.
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor, my client and I…
JUDGE: DO you know, I once had an affair, with the Only Ugly Girl in Iceland … ? (Pause) Now, you say how ugly was she … ? (Pause)
ALL: HOW ugly was she … ?
JUDGE: HOW ugly do you think she was?
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor: (He reads from his petition.) “How can the Unitary be Divided? How can the sundered be conjoined … ? Through fluid, dynamic stasis …
DEFENDANT:… brought about…
DEFENSE ATTORNEY:… through rationalization of the ligatures and, thus, the osteoporotic stem of life.
DEFENDANT:… the spine.
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Thus conducing …
DEFENDANT: Yes …
DEFENSE ATTORNEY:… to peace. Christ's brilliance …”
JUDGE:“Jesus” Christ?
DEFENDANT:… I thought that we weren't going to put that in … ?
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: NO, we agreed.
JUDGE: “Jesus” Christ… ?
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Well, yes. Yes. Your Honor? We have a petition …
DEFENDANT: I thought you were going to take that out…
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: If Your Honor would consent, merely, merely: to release us, for—{Checks his watch)—the next half hour, we, Christian and Jew, have a method …
JUDGE: “NO no no I will not let you go.” Who said that?
Anybody … ?
PROSECUTOR: Pharaoh.
BAILIFF: Your Honor …
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor:
JUDGE: What… ?
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Christ's brilliance, Christ's brilliance, Your Honor, like that of Moses, like that of the Prophet…
JUDGE: The Prophet.
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Mohammed.
JUDGE: Mohammed. The Prophet of Islam.
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: That's right.
JUDGE: (NOW STRIPPED DOWN TO HIS UNDERSHIRT) Whoa, whoa, whoa, then, let's be Very Careful what we say about them. (Pause)
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Their Teachings …
JUDGE:… hold on: Let's slow it down: the the the, the people we're talking about.
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Yes.
JUDGE: With the “things” … around their head …
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Yes …
JUDGE: Their “teachings” …
PROSECUTOR: Ancient, ancient religion …
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Consist in a message of Peace. (Pause)
JUDGE: I don't think they can object to that, can they?
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor, no. (Pause)
JUDGE: Those, fine, fine people …
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Urn …
JUDGE: Because I'd hate to tick them off.
PROSECUTOR: I'm with you there, Your Honor.
JUDGE: And I'm not just saying that because they have all the oil…
PROSECUTOR: No.
DEFENDANT: No.
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: No.
PROSECUTOR: No indeed.
JUDGE: Or, because they sometimes, uh, uh, uh, uh, they sometimes …
DEFENSE ATTORNEY:… Everybody needs to “blow off steam” …
JUDGE: But because, uh, uh … {Pause)
PROSECUTOR: Because of their “contributions.”
JUDGE: Boy you've got it there …
DEFENDANT: That's for sure.
BAILIFF: I love the integrity of their native textiles. (Pause)
(A murmur of general agreement))
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: And the teachings of these wonderful people …
JUDGE: Uh huh …
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Consist, as I have said, in a message of Peace.
JUDGE: You're goddamn right they do. But what does it mean, when little children have to go to sleep every night, in garments which are too tight, revealing the various curves of their body to anybody with the least little bit of curiosity?
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor …
JUDGE:… would you address yourself to that?
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor, we can bring Peace to the Middle East. (Pause)
JUDGE: IS this a “test” ?
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: NO, Your Honor. It's true.
JUDGE: HOW you gonna do it?
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: My client believes that the imbalance in their countries, as reflected in their leaders, can be rectified by a readjustment of…
JUDGE: YOU want to bring Peace to the Mddle East.
DEFENDANT: Yes, Your Honor.
JUDGE: Whoa. Whoa. That's a big one. And I would hate to be the guy who stood in your way
. Those two, what, benighted Peoples, warring… the Curse of War brought upon them by … uh … How seldom is it given to us? To bind the wounds—not only of the widow, but the orphan, those little tykes … (Weeps) May I have a hanky?
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor.
JUDGE: NO, no, okay! You wanna go lay your plan for Peace, at the feet of those warring powers—
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: NO, Your Honor, we want to manipulate their neck.
JUDGE: Sounds good to me.
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor, then yes, only, if you would release us …
JUDGE: By Jove, I will then.
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Bless you, Your …
JUDGE: Watch thisl (To BAILIFF) Order a car. I want a police car and escort to take these two gentlemen to present their petition to the Peace Conference. And now: By the power vested in me, yes to exercise compassion, it gives me great pleasure, to, as per my judicial prerogative, and for the purposes of world peace, to release the …
BERNARD: (Enters with a large suitcase. Unable to see, he addresses the air squinting) YOU LYING SWINE. I HAVE BEEN WAITING AT YO UR MOTHER'S FOR THE LAST FIVE HOURS. THE QUICHE IS COLD, THE CAPRESE SALAD'S HOT, SHE AND I HAVE, AS YOU KNOW, NOTHING IN COMMON SAVE OUR HISTORY OF BABYING YOU, YOU DECEITFUL, FORGETFUL, FAT, SLOVENLY…
JUDGE:… who is he talking to … ?
BERNARD:… UNGRATEFUL …
JUDGE:… ‘cause, if he's talking to me, that's contempt.
BERNARD: … OLD …
JUDGE: I'm sure of that…
BERNARD: WHERE IS HE? WHERE IS HE?
PROSECUTOR: Put your contacts in.
BERNARD: Where is he?
PROSECUTOR: Put your contacts in.
BERNARD: I cannot “put my contacts in” as I have been weeping a river of tears and they will not “go” in.
PROSECUTOR: Bunny …
JUDGE: Did you say you wanted to “crick their neck”}
BERNARD: And now I'm weeping in front of your friends. Perhaps you'd introduce me …
PROSECUTOR: I …
BERNARD:… or are you ashamed of me … ? You ashamed of me in front of your Straight Friends? “Oh, Honey … did you come yet…?”
JUDGE: What's wrong with asking that?
BERNARD:… if you have to ask …
JUDGE: I always thought it was polite …
BERNARD: Of course you did. (To PROSECUTOR) And you might ask: What is this? This is a suitcase. What's in it, you wonder …
PROSECUTOR: Bernard …
BERNARD: Oooh, our life together … oh …
PROSECUTOR: Bernard …
BERNARD: You wouldn't even take my call…
PROSECUTOR: I'm trying a case.
BERNARD: Oh, bullshit.
PROSECUTOR: I'm trying a case, can't you see that:
BERNARD: Don't you use that tone with me.
PROSECUTOR: Buns.
BERNARD: Don't you “Buns” me, you … you … words fail me … 7 don't know. You try to be a helpmate. You try to Care … you hope there is a God. Who sees you … who? {He dissolves in tears. Pause)
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor. There exists, today only, the, perhaps the last best hope to bring Peace to the Middle East. My client and I, though of Different Faiths …
BERNARD: OH, FUCK YOU. HOW CAN YOU HAVE PEACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST WHEN YOU CAN'T HAVE PEACE IN YOUR HOME … ?
JUDGE:… you know, you're right…
BERNARD: (Pointing at PROSECUTOR) Tell him that. Tell him. He's the one that should be on Trial…
PROSECUTOR:… Bunny…
BERNARD: He abused me, he was cruel to me, and then, when I went home to mother, what was his responsibility?
JUDGE and DEFENDANT and DEFENSE ATTORNEY: To come after you.
BERNARD: You're goddamn right to COME AFTER ME, which is the one, inviolable law.
JUDGE: He's right.
BERNARD: In anticipation of which, I made a quiche, a quiche offering. When he was in the wrong.
JUDGE: Huh.
BERNARD: AND IT'S HIS GODDAMN MOTHER.
(All mumble.)
JUDGE: (TO PROSECUTOR) That's some fella you've got yourself then …
BERNARD: I want to make a complaint: Your Honor …
JUDGE: This is the most irregular …
BERNARD: I ACCUSE … (Holds up the legal pad he has pulled from his suitcase)
JUDGE:… but-what-the-hell…
BERNARD: I ACCUSE THATMAN OF …(He consults his legal pad.)
PROSECUTOR: Bunny, I'm trying to work here …
BERNARD:… of boorishness. (Peers at the pad)
PROSECUTOR: Bun …
BERNARD:… I'm not done … And a lack of sensitivity.
JUDGE: (TO PROSECUTOR) If this is true, you have a lot to answer for …
PROSECUTOR: Your Honor …
JUDGE: TO have the love of a fine young man …
BERNARD: Thank you, Your Honor …
JUDGE: And to … what? What did he do … ?
BERNARD: He ruined the ROASTING PAN. (Takes roasting pan from suitcase. Puts it on bench)
JUDGE:… this pan is fine.
BERNARD: He ruined the roast… I cleaned it with baking soda. He ruined our evening; and he revealed to me the essential emptiness, not only of our life, but of my life … (He cries)
JUDGE:… come up here …
BERNARD: No, NO, I don't deserve affection.
JUDGE:… sssshhhhhhh …
BERNARD: I deserve nothing … that's why… time after time …
JUDGE: Hush …
BERNARD: What am I? A hot water bottle … a Trick with his name on the lease … (Weeps)
JUDGE: Sshhh. Nothing's that bad …
BERNARD: Time after time … Huh. Can I pick ‘em … Your Honor?
BAILIFF: YOU mustn't blame yourself.
JUDGE: Listen to the man.
BERNARD: Cook, clean, understand when he's too tired to Make Love …
JUDGE: Sshhh.
BERNARD: And who is it, takes care of his mother? (Pause, cries some more)
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Wait—… excuse me, are they a Bunch of Fags … ?
BERNARD: Why why, why, why Can't There Be Peace … ?
DEFENSE ATTORNEY:… are they queer} Is that the punch line … ?
(BERNARD WeepS.)
JUDGE: There, there, little fella …
BERNARD:… all I ever wanted was to make a home … for some man.
JUDGE: Sshhh …
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: (Generally) These guys are queer as a v-neck sweater …
BERNARD:… wash his clothes … each year, the waistband on his shorts gets bigger. Do I complain … ?
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: (TO HIMSELF) … they're a Bunch of Fags…
PROSECUTOR: Objection.
(BERNARD WeepS.)
JUDGE: I had a dream the other night. Of a clean land, untroubled by pollution. Untroubled by strife. With liberty and with compassion for all its citizens. A land administered by people of good faith and self-respect, which stood as an Example To The Nations. Which reached out to them. And stilled their torment with aid: with food, with medicine, with love and understanding.
DEFENSE ATTORNEY:… Your Honor …
JUDGE: And then this Big Fat Fucking Dinosaur came by and stomped everybody into moosh. {Pause)
DEFENSE ATTORNEY:… Your Honor …
JUDGE: I think he came from Japan.
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: There exists …
JUDGE: I believe his size was the result of nuclear testing.
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: The possibility of bringing Peace to the Middle East.
JUDGE: But I don't remember how the dinosaur got there in the first place.
PROSECUTOR: He was a lizard, begging Your Honor's pardon, from the Pet Shop.
JUDGE:… what was he doing in my dream?
PROSECUTOR: It wasn't a dream, it was a movie.
DEFENSE ATTORNEY:… Your Honor …
JUDGE: It was a movie}
PROSECUTOR: Yes
, Your Honor.
JUDGE: IS it hot in here, or is it just me?
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor: As we speak, two great World Leaders, as we speak, are engaged in this historic conference. Have met, in Good Faith, we believe. To attempt to settle the strife in the Middle East. We have devised a plan, which we feel, if it could be represented to them, would bring about that blessed result.
PROSECUTOR: And what is this plan?
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: (TO DEFENDANT) Tell them, (DEFENDANT mumbles) … go on … (DEFENDANT mumbles. A pause) Your Honor, my client believes, and has demonstrated to me, how a simple readjustment of that which very well may prove to be the fifth lumbar vertebra, may, THROUGH A DECREASE IN THE SUBDURAL MFFMFF, RESTORE MENTAL BALANCE TO THE LEADERS AND, through them, to the populace of the Mddle East.
PROSECUTOR: Your Honor, the case before this court…
JUDGE: I know the case before this court. What do you think I am, Deaf? I'm not deaf. (To BAILIFF) I'm not deaf am I, because then I couldn't hear myself. (To self) Mooooo … Mooo … Mooo …
