by Jill Valley
“At least we don’t have to go far,” I say. “And I can take cookies.”
Even after Michael, I have always loved to bake. I find it relaxing, but it’s hard to bake for just one. Once Lizzy mentioned the block party earlier today, I figured the more I baked the better, and I rose to the challenge. My apartment now smells like sugar and chocolate.
“The invitation said BYOB and snacks,” says Lizzy. “I highly doubt they meant homemade cookies.”
“We’re going to find out,” I say stubbornly, giving Snick a pet as I pass. My cat is curled up on the arm chair, relaxing, its tail curved around its body.
“Uh huh,” Lizzy says, putting the final touches to herself in the mirror.
“Is Aimee meeting us there?”
“She’s going to try,” says Lizzy. “She wants to meet Noah. She thinks that if we have a native Portland friend we’ll see more of the cool places while we’re here this summer.”
“He thought the Remember was pretty cool,” I say, plopping down on my bed. Lizzy eyes me.
“You only agreed to go to this block party so you didn’t have to dress up, right?”
I’m wearing jeans and a t-shirt and I grin at her.
“Yup,” I say. “Mission accomplished.”
“Steven says you look hot no matter what,” she says. “Don’t worry, I punched him for it.”
“Steven thinks of me as his sister,” I say. “And oddly enough I’m not worried if you punch him.”
She grins at me. “Still, safer to punch first and ask questions later. That’s what I say.”
I laugh. “I think you’re too small to have violent tendencies.”
“Maybe,” she says with a wink. “Do you think our bartender will be there?”
“He isn’t our bartender,” I protest automatically, ignoring the butterflies that start flitting around in my stomach just at the thought.
“You’re right,” says Lizzy, sticking out her lower lip. “He’s YOUR bartender.”
She laughs when I throw a pillow at her.
“It’s nice to see you smiling,” she says, cradling the pillow to her chest. “It’s about time.”
I sigh and look out the window. The truth is, I feel better here in Portland - by the sea, in the fresh air, with friends who want me to be happy even if they don’t understand me. I’m happier right now than I’ve been in five years. I’ve spent the day baking and watching TV, and every time I threatened to have a bad moment, to get lost in the memories, I was able to push it aside. I’m still relaxed, even at the thought of going outdoors to a party.
“Come on,” says Lizzy. “Noah’s going to meet us downstairs. He’s going to help scope out whether the bartender’s there or not.”
“Yeah?” I say, tempted to give in to the dismay that thought triggers. “Tell him to scope out whether JJ’s girlfriend is with him.”
“Girlfriend isn’t wife,” says Lizzy. At the sound of my protests she holds up a hand. “I’m not telling you to break up a relationship.”
“Not that I could,” I interrupt.
“I’m just saying he hasn’t married her. He’s young, he’s hot, and he’s clearly into you.”
“Which is why he hasn’t tried to talk to me and doesn’t know my name?” I ask as we descend the stairs. I live in the fourth floor of a walkup. It’s a long way to climb, but I love the place so much it’s worth the climb.
In front of me Lizzy’s voice echoes a little. “He was working, and it was busy, and you, my darling, are not the easiest girl to approach.”
I can’t argue with her there. Making an exasperated sound, I follow her outside, and we’re instantly in the middle of a party. Just down at the end of my block is a little stone square, where tables of food and drink and colorful streamers are set up. There are people everywhere, laughing and drinking and having a good time. I’m almost as alone as I am at the bar.
“See Noah?” Lizzy asks, turning to me. She’s wearing a cute white summer dress, and guys are already turning their heads in appreciation. She fluffs her air and laughs at the whistles and calls.
“Does Steven know guys react to you that way?” I ask. It’s almost dark out, but with Lizzy’s white dress I’ll have no problem spotting her.
Lizzy shrugs as if she couldn’t care less, then she laughs. “I hope so.”
She grabs my arm. “Come on. You need to set that plate of cookies down.” I inhale the sweet aroma, glad I took the time to bake. Snick watched me quietly while I mixed the batter and stuck the cookie sheet in the oven. Now, still a little warm and gooey, they’re ready for serving.
We’re almost to the table when a familiar voice calls out to us. I turn around and grin at Noah as he saunters over. His unevenly red hair is wet and flopping, making his skin look even more pale.
“I love cookies,” he cries out. “May I?”
I laugh and hold out the plate, and he takes two.
“Don’t you work with baked goods all day?” Lizzy asks, grabbing a beer and looking around for a cute guy with a bottle opener.
“Yeah, but they aren’t Nora’s, and anyhow I avoid eating the stuff at the shop, because Gram doesn’t like it,” he says, taking a large bite.
“Wow, delicious,” he says with his mouth full. He gives us both hugs and then looks around.
“I can’t wait until I’m twenty-one,” he says forlornly, looking at Lizzy’s bottle of beer. “Then Gram can’t get mad.”
“It isn’t far off,” Lizzy says comfortingly.
“Come on,” says Noah, his eyes bright. “Let’s find a place to sit. We can bartender-watch. . . . I mean people-watch.”
Lizzy laughs uproariously.
“You said another one of your friends is coming?” he asks, as we move out of the way of a large group, all of whom are wearing white polo shirts and khakis. “Tourists,” he mutters as they pass.
“Yeah, Aimee,” says Lizzy. “She’s excited to meet you.”
He takes another large bite of cookie. “I’m excited to meet her, too. Have I told you how delicious these are?” he asks again.
We’re surrounded by bright lights against a sky chock full of stars. All around us there’s laughter, and people are dressed in the bright colors of summer.
I nod, but I’m not really paying attention. I feel a dark cold coming on. All the people and all the laughter have thrown me for a loop, and I’m having trouble breathing. I gasp a little, and Noah puts his hand on my back and guides me away from the brightest street lights, Lizzy following a few steps behind us. This town is nice in that there are a lot of benches, and people have brought folding chairs out of their apartments for the block party, so there are plenty of places to sit.
We’re about to sit down when Noah squeals. “Oh, snap. There’s our boy. Your boy. Whatever. Mission accomplished.”
“How did I end up having so many nosy friends?” I say quietly.
“What was that you said?” Noah asks, his mouth full of cookie.
“Nothing,” I mutter. I sit between my old friend and my new and find the courage to look up.
My breath hitches, but now it’s for an entirely different reason. JJ is standing across the street from me talking on his phone, and he does not look thrilled. There’s a guy standing a few feet from him, holding the hand of a pretty girl. The guy is bald and looks a little familiar.
“Is that the bouncer from the Remember?” Lizzy asks, following my gaze. “The guy with JJ?”
“Yeah, I think so,” I say. I’m trying to sound casual, but I totally fail. Noah laughs. “You’re already a regular. He’s going to be nice to you from now on.”
I roll my eyes. “Yeah, because I’m a regular. At a bar.” The thought was still a little surprising to me.
“You aren’t a regular yet,” says Lizzy, “but if I have anything to say about it you’re going to be. By the end of the summer you will be. I’m so proud.”
I ignore Lizzy and the tension eases in my chest. I might be looking directly at h
is friend, but at this moment I’m more aware of JJ’s movements than I am of anything else in the world.
“Go talk to him,” Lizzy nudges me. “He’s alone.”
“He isn’t alone,” I protest.
“Okay, well, he’s not with her,” says Noah.
“You say that like you don’t like her, and yet you’ve never even seen her,” I say, laughing at my friend’s protectiveness.
“I agree. I get bad vibes,” says Noah, lifting his chin. “Bad girlfriend vibes.”
“She looked nice,” I say, folding my arms over my chest and forcing my eyes away from JJ. I can’t be caught staring. He might think I mean something by it and I don’t, right?
“She’s nice,” says Noah, arching his eyebrow. “She’d be a lot nicer if she wasn’t his girlfriend.”
“He has to date someone,” I say. “He’s gorgeous.” Then I clap my hand over my mouth as my friends laugh. Normally I’m so careful, but my censor just goes out the window where JJ is concerned.
“Don’t you want that kind of love? That kind of breathtaking, earth-shaking, soul-completing love?” Noah asks me.
“I had it,” I say quietly. I can say it now without crying. “I just don’t believe it’s possible to have it twice.”
Lizzy just shakes her head at me. “Everyone deserves that. I know you had it and you lost it, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have it again.”
“Don’t look now, but I think we’ve been spotted,” says Noah, sitting up straighter. Sure enough, when my eyes frantically search out JJ again he’s on the move, striding across the street. His broad shoulders are covered by a t-shirt and his long legs are looking great in dark jeans. He’s coming right for us.
Seriously, why don’t I have the superpower of melting into the seat and disappearing? Seriously.
Chapter Twelve - JJ
Jessie’s pissed that I’m at a block party. She’s been pissed a lot lately.
“What’s up?” Ben’s girlfriend Katie asks when I get off the phone. She can see I’m frustrated.
I shrug. “I don’t know what she wants me to do. She’s the one who bailed on plans.”
“She wants you to sit at home like a good boyfriend, so that no girls can sink their red-taloned claws into you,” Ben says, holding out his thick, blunt fingers in the shape of claws.
“I’m glad you have such a positive take on girlfriends,” Katie says dryly.
In answer Ben wraps his arm around his girlfriend’s waist and pulls her tight against him. She giggles as he kisses her soundly. “Worth every minute, sweetheart,” he says when he finally lets her up for air.
She swats his shoulder playfully, then looks at me. I’m busy studying my phone.
“Just enjoy the night,” she says. “You’re here now. She’ll cool off.” Katie was another one of my friends who wasn’t that big a fan of my girlfriend.
I shrug and put my phone in my pocket.
“It’s been a long time since I’ve come to one of these things,” I say, my eyes scanning the crowd.
“Who are you looking for?” Ben asks.
I glare at my friend. “What makes you think I’m looking for anyone?”
Ben grins. “I know you, remember?”
We’ve brought a variety of drinks from the bar, so I laugh and say, “Let’s go put these beers on ice.” I’m just stepping into the street when I see her. My heart skips, and I nearly stumble and fall on my ass.
“Careful, dude,” comes Ben’s concerned voice behind me. I right myself, thankful that she’s looking away. Her friend, who looks familiar, notices. He smiles at me. He’s the guy from the coffee shop. My heart sinks a little. Maybe she doesn’t live around here. Maybe she was only there because he works there.
Next to her is the girl I’ve seen her with both times she’s come into the Remember. She’s a bright blond with a ready smile. The two of them together, her friend’s blond hair next to her dark brown, make a striking combination. I’d like to kick the ass of every guy checking her out right now.
I liked her the second she came into the bar, I just liked her friend more. Like, way more. She’s from home too, I’m sure of it, but I only know of her through friends. We never interacted, which explains why she doesn’t recognize me now.
It’s been years since I’ve been nervous about talking to a girl. In fact, I’m not sure I’ve ever been nervous about talking to a girl. But I’m nervous about talking to Nora.
“Where are you going?” Katie calls from behind me.
“Don’t you see that girl he can’t take his eyes away from?” I hear Ben say, “Leave the man alone.”
I pivot and smile at Katie, who looks bewildered. “Just saying hi to a couple of friends. I’ll catch up with you in a minute.”
Ben glances at the bench. Whatever he sees there makes him tug Katie, still protesting, away. Ben and Sylvan are the best friends a guy could have. I’ve known them both since high school, and they were there for me when I was at my lowest. There’s a good chance I wouldn’t be alive right now without them.
Nora’s eyes have gone huge, and I feel bad for frightening her. I heard she lost it after what happened. I saw her a couple of times, but she was heavily sedated, so I didn’t get very far. I just remember her gripping my hands tightly and staring at me with frightened eyes. I try a reassuring smile on her now.
“Hey,” I say. “Sorry I didn’t have a chance to talk this morning. I was late.”
She looks stunned. “Hi.”
“Hi,” I say to Noah and then to Lizzy, who is giving me one of the megawatt smiles I see her give guys at the bar. “I’m not used to stunning a girl into silence when I explain why I ignored her.”
Her eyes just get bigger. I want to shake my head, but I resist.
“You’re the guy from the coffee shop this morning?” I ask Noah. I know he is, but just in case he doesn’t remember, I don’t want him to think I’m some kind of freak.
Noah grins at me. He obviously remembers.
“Yeah,” he says. “How’d the muffins work out?”
“Great,” I say. “My friend’s girlfriend was thrilled. She loves chocolate anything.”
“You have good taste in friends,” says the guy approvingly. “I’m Noah.” He extends his hand to me and I shake it.
“JJ,” I say.
“These are my friends Nora and Lizzy,” he says, introducing them and saving me the trouble of having to explain that I’ve met Nora before. A long time ago. Like, in another life.
“Nice to meet you,” Nora murmurs, using her hair to shield her eyes. Her face is flaming, but I pretend not to notice how adorable it is.
“Nice to meet you again,” I say. “Now that we’ve met twice, I hope we can move past that to deeper subjects like the meaning of life and is The Notebook better than A Walk to Remember?
Lizzy and Noah giggle. Nora looks like she wants to laugh, but is also confused.
“Tell me you’ve read those books,” Noah groans at her.
Nora shrugs. “I’m not one for romance.”
Noah makes a disgruntled sound.
“Nice party, huh?” says Lizzy, quickly changing the subject. “This is my first ever block party.”
“Yeah,” I say, glancing around. I’ve been coming to these things on and off for years, so I forget they’re a novelty for some people.
“Are you having fun?” I ask. I really want to be talking to Nora, but she’s trying to camouflage into the bench, so I give her a little space and pretend she’s not the only thing I’m paying attention to.
“Awesome time,” says Lizzy, holding up her beer and grinning. “What about you? That’s a lot of beer.”
I’m still holding the beer I brought, because I was on my way to set it down when I saw my future sitting on a bench.
The thought stills me. I’ll have to think about it later, but right now I’m fighting just to make normal conversation.
“Hey, don’t you think over there looks fascinating?” No
ah says, pointing at something closer to the square. Lizzy and Nora both squint in that direction and I want to laugh.
“Yeah, fascinating,” says Lizzy, nodding.
“I don’t see anything,” says Nora helplessly.
“It’s over there, but, um, we’re going to go and check it out. We’ll come back and report. Bye.”
Noah jumps out of his chair and Lizzy does the same before Nora can argue, and they’re gone, leaving us alone.
Nora shifts uncomfortably on the bench, as if the space makes her nervous.
I shift the beer under my arms.
“So, I’m JJ,” I say. “You come into the Remember sometimes, right?” No shit.
Even that makes her blush. God, I could spend hours just making this girl blush and never get bored. She looks at her lap again.
“Yeah,” she says. “It’s nice.”
I chuckle. “Mind if I sit? This is heavy.”
“Sure,” she says, looking up into my eyes, searching for something. She gives me a small smile. I sit so that I’m not touching her. I don’t want to make her any more nervous than she already is.
“Thanks,” I say, shifting so that I can just see her.
“How long have you worked at the Remember?” she asks quickly, like she’s trying to divert me from asking questions myself.
“A long time,” I say. “My grandfather owned it and I would go there for summers. After he got sick, I came to live with him. Now I’m twenty-four and I just inherited the place. Owning a bar is a little different from what it was in my grandfather’s time though.”
I watch her closely, trying to get any kind of response out of her. It’s hard to read her face when I can barely see her features.
“That’s tough,” she says. “It’s a lot of responsibility.”
“Yeah, it is,” I say. “But he trained me well, and I enjoy it. Someday I’d like to do something else, but not until the Remember’s taken care of.”
“It’s a great place to have a bar,” she says softly. I realize that if I’m going to talk to her I’m going to have to tell her that I know her, I know her past. At least the worst of it. But it’s terrible that I don’t know anything else.
