by Jill Valley
JJ gives me a sharp look, then a grin rakes across his handsome face. He looks even hotter, if that’s possible. “Of course not. They are totally innocent in all things.”
I could have heard the sarcasm in his voice even if I only spoke French. I just nod.
“Is your curiosity satisfied, or do you have more questions?” he asks, amusement in his voice. I’m glad we’ve gotten past the uncomfortable topics.
I give him a shy smile. “Sorry,” I mutter. “Sometimes I just ask a lot of questions.”
He nods, still amused. He’s even more good-looking when he’s happy, if that’s possible. “I had no idea. Thanks for clearing that up.”
I’m about to give him a playful shove when I stop myself. I don’t do stuff like that. He senses that I was about to touch him and tenses. When I don’t, we keep walking as if nothing has happened.
We decide against getting something to eat, and JJ and Sylvan walk us back to Lizzy’s place because it’s closer than mine. When we get there we say goodnight, the whole day having left me a little confused. But I know it’s for the best that JJ and I are just friends, so I promise myself to try not to worry about it. Both Lizzy and I are tired after a long weekend, and I’m feeling withdrawal because of the lack of girl talk lately. We have a lot to catch up on.
As I turn to follow Lizzy, I see JJ watching me. My heart skips. Just having his eyes on me makes me feel hot in places I thought were forever cold. His expression, normally so casual, is intense. I’ve never seen his eyes hot like that and it takes my breath away. His face is filled with longing. Without a word he raises his hand and I wave back, then scurry after Lizzy.
“So, you and JJ were talking about his girlfriend?” Lizzy bursts out as soon as door to her apartment building closes behind us. She can’t contain herself. “Have you two moved into the dreaded friend zone?”
A spike of concern shoots down my spine, but I manage to roll my eyes. “Yeah, I mean, I just asked where she was,” I say, shrugging. “It’s a natural topic. They’ve been together for a long time.”
“So, you’re comfortable with him?” Lizzy is staring at me. She hasn’t even moved up the stairs yet. “I mean, you looked comfortable with him and you don’t look comfortable with many people so. . . . You just look happy.”
“Yeah,” I say, after a long pause. I take a deep breath. Letting my guard down is a strange feeling. It’s been so long since I let anyone in, I’m not sure I know how. “I think so.”
She beams at me. “Good, this is good. Girlfriends don’t last forever.” She rubs her hands together like she’s plotting something.
I shake my head and follow her up the stairs. From outside the door of Lizzy’s apartment I can smell food; Aimee must be home, I realize. I can visit for a little while, but then I need to head home soon to check on Snick. He’s gotten out already this summer and I’ve had to scour the neighborhood to find the little rascal.
“Hey,” says Lizzy after unlocking the door. I follow her inside. Aimee is sitting at the kitchen table, munching on pizza.
“Hey,” she says, grinning. “How was the concert? Does that count as something you can check off the bucket list?”
“Oh, yes,” says Lizzy. “And Nora went on a date, so that’s two things.”
“I did not,” I protest, holding up my hands in defense against the idea. “Definitely not. No way. I’m not that kind of girl.”
“What kind of girl is that?” Lizzy asks, grabbing a slice of pizza.
“The kind of girl who goes on a date with someone else’s boyfriend,” I say, sitting down.
“Want tea?” Aimee offers. There’s a pot in the middle of the table, and I pour myself some. I find the swirling of sugar into the hot water relaxing.
“I don’t see why you’re pushing this,” I say quietly to Lizzy. “You act like he’s single.”
“He’s obviously into you,” says Lizzy stubbornly. “Like, he just looks at you with these pretty puppy dog eyes, like he can’t wait to see what you’re going to say and do next and he’ll do anything you ask. It’s all kinds of adorable.”
I feel panic washing over me at the very thought of JJ and me . . . as anything.
“You’re just using the fact that he has a girlfriend as an excuse not to get close to him. Did you ever think about that?” Lizzy demands. “I mean, seriously. If you like him and he likes you. . . .”
I push my chair back blindly. Maybe she’s right, a little bit. Maybe, but I’m not sure I’m ready for anything with anyone else. I thought for years that I never would be, that Michael was it, but since I met JJ, yes, Lizzy’s right and I’m not so sure about that any more.
I’m starting to panic.
“Lizzy,” I say warningly, staring at the table. “Just stop. Unless JJ and Jessie break up, nothing is going to change.”
Frustrated, Lizzy tosses her pizza down. “Whatever,” she says. “You like him and you just won’t admit it.”
I sit in silence for a long time. There’s really nothing else to say. JJ stirs any number of emotions I’ve had buried deep inside me. He makes me remember that night, for one thing, but that isn’t the first thing I think of when I think of him. Luckily, I saw him, and he was nice to me, and we didn’t even know about our connection at that point.
Finally, I just leave. Lizzy calls out after me, but I ignore her. We’re both right. She’s right that I need to move past Michael, at least stop using him as an excuse. And I’m right that JJ isn’t the answer. He has a girlfriend.
I walk home slowly, taking deep breaths and trying to calm the riot in my mind. Once I’m home I say hi to my cat, brush my teeth, and climb into bed. But it’s a long time before I can fall asleep. I just pull the covers up to my chin and wait.
Chapter Twenty-Three - JJ
I need to break up with Jessie. That much is clear. She apparently heard from someone at the concert that I was there with a few friends, some of whom were female, and she had a fit.
But that isn’t even the reason I need to break up with her.
The real reason is that I don’t think about her anymore. I don’t get a tightness in my chest and my dick doesn’t get hard. I don’t look forward to seeing her, it feels more like a chore. Now whenever I work at the Remember, I hope Nora comes in.
I worry when I’m not with her that she’s not okay, and I think about ways to cheer her up and bring her out of her shell. I know it’s a tricky situation, because I don’t ever want her to forget about Michael, but I do want her to be happy.
It’s been over a week and she and her friends haven’t come into the Remember. We’ve texted a few jokes back and forth, but nothing more. We don’t talk about plans.
They also haven’t come into the coffee shop, and I haven’t seen them anywhere else. I’ve chatted with Noah a couple of times and he tells me with a knowing look that Nora is fine.
Sylvan, at least, claims to have seen Lizzy, so I know nothing bad has happened, but I’m having a hard time standing it. I miss Nora. I miss the way she makes me feel and I miss hearing her unintentional jokes that just so happen to be adorable, and I miss knowing how her day has gone and I miss knowing what she’s going to do tomorrow.
“Man, you can’t act like this,” is what Noah tells me, shaking his head.
“Act like what?” I ask, shocked. “What did I do?”
“You have a girlfriend,” says Noah, his voice filled with exasperation. “You can’t do this to Nora.” After he says that I walk home in a daze, mostly because my heart knows he’s right.
Which is why I have to break it off with Jessie. Even if Nora doesn’t want anything from me, and Noah’s words are the first hint that I might have hope there, what I’m feeling is a betrayal of my girlfriend, and she deserves better.
My phone buzzes. For a split second I hope it’s Nora, but it isn’t. It’s Jessie. She wants to talk. I sigh. Maybe she’s feeling the same things that I am.
She’s outside and she wants to come up. I sigh and ch
eck for Anabella. Since my cat doesn’t like my girlfriend, I usually hope she’s sleeping when Jessie comes over, but no, Anabella is curled up in the living room. I go down and let Jessie in. She looks about as happy as I feel.
I feel the tension in my shoulders and the tightness of my mouth and try to relax. I don’t want to hurt her, but I know this is the right thing to do.
“So,” says Jessie, when she comes into my living room, crossing her arms over her chest and ignoring the cat. She’s wearing a dark green blouse and jeans, with flats. She looks cool and put together. She really is beautiful. “You went to a concert?”
I sigh. This is going to be harder than I thought. “I don’t want to fight, Jess.”
“What am I supposed to think?” she asks. I motion for her to sit down and her eyes go wide. She isn’t stupid, far from it. She can see in my body language what’s coming.
It’s going to be a long night.
After Jessie leaves I trudge to the diner, where Sylvan and Ben are meeting me. I’ve sent Nora several texts, but she hasn’t responded to any of them. I worry that I’ve already hurt her, but I have to see her. I need to hear her voice, if only to know that she’s okay and she doesn’t hate me.
“Hey,” I say, sitting down heavily in the chair across from Sylvan. My old friend gives me a nod as Ben takes another big bite of sandwich.
“You look like hell,” says Ben after he swallows. “Katie would say you should go find Jessie and spend some alone time.”
“That would be awkward,” I say after ordering a sandwich, “since we just broke up.”
I proceed to tell my friends what happened. Sylvan especially is curious, and I want to ask him why, but I don’t get the chance. Guys aren’t like girls. We don’t like rehashing events over and over, so once I’ve gotten the details out I sit back and listen to Ben talk about how he and Katie are getting ready to move. At one point he gives me an apologetic look, like he knows it must be hard to listen to this with my relationship just having crumbled around me. I shrug. Life. It’s been worse.
Right before we’re about to finish, my phone buzzes. Knowing that it can’t be Jessie, I allow myself a moment of hope. When I see Nora’s name pop up on the screen I give a sigh of relief. I asked her in one of my many texts if she’d go for a walk with me tonight, and she’s texting to say yes. It’s short, but I don’t care. I excuse myself from the guys and virtually race to her apartment. She’s already waiting for me outside, and just seeing her calms my racing heart.
“Hey,” I say, coming up to her. She gives me a soft look and I nearly melt. Almost unable to contain myself, I fall into step by her side.
She turns to face me. The street light streams over her face and hair, making it shine even in the dark, like my very own beacon of light.
There’s a frown line between her eyes and I want to kiss it away, but I content myself with just being near her.
Chapter Twenty-Four - Nora
I’m avoiding JJ. I call Ellis again and he reminds me that I’m a twenty-one-year-old young woman and I’m allowed to find a man attractive.
“Stop whining,” he orders me over the phone. “Most girls would kill to have a bartender always give them free drinks.”
“I’m not most girls,” I mumble.
“No kidding,” he says.
But I can’t stay away. After taking a week to think about it, I reach a conclusion and there is only one thing to do.
“JJ,” I say, as he walks up. He looks happy.
“How are you?” he asks as we start walking. “I haven’t seen you and I was starting to worry.”
“You think you should see me every week?” I ask.
He pauses. “I was just worried about you.”
“Well,” I say, feeling bolder. “You don’t need to be. In fact, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about.”
“Okay,” says JJ, shifting from foot to foot.
“I think we should be friends,” I say in a rush, because I need to get it all out. “I mean, I know we’re friends, but we can’t keep hanging out alone. Only in groups. I mean, I think that would be best. I don’t really know what’s definitely best, but I think that’s best. I mean. . . .”
JJ steps forward and puts his hands on my shoulders. I shut up instantly at his touch and his nearness. He smells a little like aftershave and coffee and I inhale. My eyelids flutter. I don’t dare look at him.
“Nora,” he murmurs. “Breathe.”
I flush and nod, still staring at my shoes.
“I wanted to see you tonight to make sure you were okay. I miss you, and I wanted to tell you in person that Jessie and I broke up.”
I can’t help it. My head snaps up and I stare at him with wide eyes.
“Huh?” I say.
He grins. “I was hoping for that reaction. Jessie and I broke up.”
“You were?” I’m literally dumbfounded.
“Yes,” he says. “We were together for a while and I care about her, but I don’t love her, and the feelings I have for someone else just aren’t fair to her.” He searches my face, looking for something.
My heart is racing, and I remember that I didn’t brush my teeth before I came out to meet him. Is that what girls think about at times like this? Why don’t I know what girls think about?
I had no idea he was going to stand so close to me. What if he smells my bad breath and doesn’t want anything to do with me after this? He and Jessie broke up. I feel dazed. I take another breathe and start to shrug, but that only serves to press the pads of his hands more firmly into my shoulders. I stop moving. Breathe.
“I care about someone else,” he continues softly, never breaking eye contact. His gray eyes look like soft brushstrokes on a white canvas. “I want to be respectful of Jessie and of the person I care about and not rush anything, but I wanted you to know,” he says. “I’m going to be busy and traveling a lot over the next couple of weeks, but when I get back maybe we could have dinner?” He says all of it as if it’s a perfectly normal thing to say to me, but all I can do is nod. He takes that as enough of an agreement and breathes a sigh of relief.
“Good,” he says, smiling now. “I’ll walk you back to your door.”
We turn around and walk to my door. He’s isn’t touching me anymore, but I’ve never been so aware of anyone’s physical presence in my life. He’s my only focus. Every movement of his body makes me react, and I wonder if he’s going to touch me again.
We stop outside my door. Still in a daze, I notice after a moment that he isn’t next to me. I keep walking for a few steps, but then, confused, I turn around. He’s standing there watching me.
“I want you to know,” he says, taking a step closer, “I’m not going anywhere. You can’t push me away. I won’t go. I saw your face when you came out tonight, and I know you were about to tell me to shove off. That’s understandable, because I had a girlfriend and it’s not fair to anyone that way, but I don’t anymore. Jessie and I are done and we aren’t getting back together. I hope you can trust that, and maybe eventually trust me.”
He places his hands on my cheeks. I feel their warmth and close my eyes. His touch is so soft I want to weep.
“I shouldn’t be doing this,” he murmurs, his voice filled with heat. I shiver happily and open my eyes to meet his.
“Doing what?” I ask, breathless. My knees are shaking and my whole body is screaming for something, but I don’t know what. My hands dangle uselessly at my sides and I’m afraid to breathe in case it wakes me up.
I walk into my apartment in a daze and stare at Snick. My cat is glaring at me because I’ve interrupted his nap. I murmur an apology and sit on the couch, staring at nothing. I can feel my lips stretched into a small smile, but inside my body there’s a jumble of confused emotions.
JJ Curtis, bartender, bar owner, old savior, newly single, the only man since Michael to set my heart racing, just kissed me . . . and then I ran away, like a five year old. But I’m not five. I’m twenty-one.
>
When I saw JJ coming toward me a little while ago, before he kissed me, I turned my phone to silent. But now I have to talk to Lizzy, so I click my phone on, about to call her and wake her up, and see that I have a missed call and a voicemail.
My life has now splintered again. Once was when Michael died: there was before I lost Michael, and there was my life after I lost Michael. Now, irrevocably, I’m sure it has splintered yet again: my life before JJ Curtis kissed me and my life after. I wonder why I feel the need to use his last name now that our lips have touched. You would think my lips, my mind, could feel and think more personal things about the man who held my face in his warm hands.
I spend the day pacing back and forth, watching the clock. I can’t even bake. I ignore texts from my friends. Noah wants me to come by the coffee shop; apparently JJ has been there asking about me.
I’m in my room, curled up on my bed with Snick, when I hear a sharp rapping on my apartment door that makes me jump.
It must be my unlucky weekend that this is the first time Nancy is actually here. Nancy lets in whoever is at the door and I groan, afraid that it’s JJ.
But it isn’t.
Lizzy comes barging into my room. She’s wearing jogging clothes, so she must have run here. Her hair is in a messy ponytail and she looks mad.
“Did you break your phone or something?” she demands, bracing her hands on her hips.
I glance up at her and roll my eyes.
“No,” I say. “I just didn’t feel like seeing anyone. Thanks for respecting that.”
“I didn’t know you didn’t want to see anyone,” she snaps. “For me to know that you would have to have communicated with me, and you haven’t. I’ve been worried sick.”
“Sorry,” I mutter into the pillow.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” her voice noticeably softens. “You look like shit.”
I groan. “Thanks.”
“You know what I mean,” she says. I hear footsteps and then the bed sags next to me.
