by Lulu Pratt
“Explain to me why this is your responsibility,” Britney says.
I sigh. This is hard. “I feel like it’s my fault,” I say. I’m not making eye contact with her. “After Granny and Gramps died, I was struggling so much with my own things that I feel I wasn’t there for you, to warn you about James. I wasn’t there for you to turn to, so you turned to him. You married a man who hurts you, and it’s all my fault.”
Putting it into words makes me emotional. I’ve been carrying this burden for so long that I didn’t realize how much it affected me emotionally. Britney’s eyes widen, and she looks upset.
“Graham, that’s not fair. It’s not fair of you to think that everything that happened to me was your fault.” She started to tear up. “I made this mistake. I may have only found out who James was after I married him, but I stayed with him for this long. That’s on me, not you.”
I nod, but it’s still difficult to accept. I hear what Britney is saying, though.
“When you called me and told me you needed a place to stay,” I say. “All I could think about was that this was my chance to make it right, that I had a chance to save you, and I couldn’t let it pass. Kicking Sarah out of her house was the lesser of two evils. I will always choose you and the kids above everything else.”
Britney is crying now, and I’m struggling to hold it all together.
“I’m so sorry,” she says. “I never knew.” She swallows hard, as if she’s trying to get rid of the lump in her throat. “I never knew what you were torturing yourself with. I understand why you did what you did, and I will be forever grateful for what you’ve done for me. I don’t ever blame you for what happened. I’m the only guilty party here, for how long I stayed with James and how long I’ve let him hurt me.”
We sat in silence while we pull ourselves back together. After some time, Britney looks at me. “Why didn’t you tell me about Sarah when you met her?” she asks.
“At first, I didn’t think it was anything serious. We’d been living beside one another for months and nothing ever happened. We never spoke until recently. Then, I wanted to get to know her when I did meet her. Then you called, and everything happened so fast. Then I was in the cabin with her. Suddenly, I was falling for her. I feel like I didn’t even have time to tell anyone before it was over again.”
Britney nods slowly. “Graham, it’s okay to fall in love again. I know you had a bad run, but if you meet someone who is worth it, pursue it.”
I chuckle without emotion. “It’s too late now.”
“I worry for your future, Graham. You’re such a great guy, and you have so much to offer. But you’re so closed off. You don’t usually fall for women. I’ve seen how you are. If you feel this strongly about someone, you should try everything you can to fix it.”
Of course, Britney is right. I do feel very strongly for Sarah. I don’t know when it happened — sometime in the cabin, of course — but it went from like to love almost overnight. I didn’t even have time to think about it properly, to enjoy it, before it was ripped away again. And it’s all my fault. I knew from the start that lying to her would be a problem. I should have told her about it the moment it happened, but one thing led to another, and here I am, heartbroken. It’s easy for Britney to say that I should chase after Sarah and try to fix it. But Sarah wants nothing to do with me, and I don’t blame her.
All I can do is take care of my sister and her children, make sure they’re safe, and pick up the pieces that Sarah left behind.
I finally get a text from Sarah. She tells me that Larry has to work late, and they need to postpone her picking up her stuff from the cabin. A part of me is relieved — I wasn’t sure if I was ready to face her yet — but another part of me is let down that I won’t get to see her for another day. I just want to see her face, to speak to her.
Please, can we speak when I see you?
When I send the message, my heart hammers against my ribs. All that matters for the next couple of minutes is her reply. When my phone beeps, my adrenaline surges, and I open the message.
No.
My heart sinks when I read the single word. She really doesn’t want anything to do with me. The only reason why she has to see me at all is because I still have the keys to the cabin. I’m relieved that I put them in my glove compartment and didn’t give them to her to keep. It means that no matter what, Sarah will be forced to face me at least one more time. It’s not the way I wanted it. I would like for her to want to see me, but at least, this is better than nothing.
When I finally go to bed that night, I’m aware of the empty space on the other side of the bed. Sarah never slept in bed with me at my house, but we shared the bed for a short while at the cabin, and waking up to her in the morning was bliss. Now, I miss her warm body next to me. I wish there was something I can do to make this better. I wish there was something I can do to make this pain go away.
Chapter 31
Sarah
This is the worst Christmas of my life. Usually, I love the holidays. Christmas is my favorite time of year. The decorations make me happy, buying presents is fulfilling, and I love appreciating my family. It’s the one time of year when everyone loves everyone.
Except this year. This year, loving someone bit me in the ass.
I hate spending Christmas this way, moping and heartbroken. I was hoping that the more time passes, the easier it would become, but it just feels like it’s getting worse. It’s Saturday, and Larry can finally help me pick up my stuff from the cabin. Monica is at home with Lindsay, in case something happens that we don’t want her to see. Larry is driving, and we sit together in awkward silence. I adore the man for the life he has given my sister, but I’ve never known what to say to him.
My stomach tightens, and I’m so nervous that I’m scared I’m going to throw up. I’m going to have to face Graham again, when all I want to do is forget he ever existed. I hate that he has a cabin to unlock for us. It makes me wish that I’d taken the keys with me. Maybe it’s better this way. It will create closure for me when I remove all my things and see him standing there at the empty cabin when I leave.
When we finally arrive at the cabin, Graham is already there. He’s leaning against his car, hands in his pockets, and the first thing I think is how attractive he is. Dammit, why can’t I just hate the man?
Graham pushes away from the car, and when his eyes meet mine, all my anger rushes back. Thank God. The anger is what I need to be able to get through this. I can’t be attracted to him, not today. I can’t consider for two seconds that this is the man I thought I could love. Of course, it’s easier said than done. With my mind, I can rationalize what I should feel for this man, but my heart feels differently. I still feel something for Graham. Thankfully, that makes me even angrier.
“Sarah,” Graham says, walking to me. “Please, can we talk?”
I shake my head and push past him. “Is the cabin unlocked?” I ask, my back already turned to him.
I hear his boots in the snow, coming after me.
“Please, just hear me out,” he says. He’s begging. I hate that. Usually, I don’t give in when people beg and plead, but it’s Graham, and it feels almost impossible to say no to him. Well, I’m not going to give in.
“I don’t want to talk, Graham. You’ve done enough.” I speak to him over my shoulder. I’m scared that if I look into his dark blue eyes, I’ll change my mind. I storm into the cabin and start collecting my things. Most of my boxes are still sealed shut, which makes it easy to carry them out to the car. I scrape together the rest of my things, my make-up, brush, shoes and other clothes that I hung in the closet. Larry goes into the living room and starts picking up two stacked boxes at a time taking them to his car.
Being in the cabin brings back a rush of memories that threaten to suffocate me. Graham trails behind me, probably hopeful that I’ll change my mind and speak to him. I won’t. I hold onto my anger tightly with both hands, letting it fuel me.
“You don’t ha
ve to leave, you know,” Graham says softly at some point. “You can still stay here. I’ll stay away from you completely.”
I shake my head. “You and I both know I can’t do that.” I don’t need to explain to him how hard it will be to live here after everything we’ve been through together, after everything he’s done to me. There’s no way I can sleep in the cabin every night, walking past the room he slept in every day, sitting at the little table we ate at together every day, pretending that nothing ever happened.
Graham is quiet for a while. A part of me wishes that he’ll say more, that I’ll be forced to speak to him. A part of me is relieved that he finally respects my wishes.
“Where will you go, then?” Graham asks quietly.
“I’ll probably sleep on Monica’s couch. I don’t have anywhere else to go.”
“Yes, you do,” Graham says. “I’m giving you a place to stay.”
I turn around, burning with fury. “No, Graham. You’re the one who took my place away. Are you going to evict someone else who’s done nothing to deserve it?”
I don’t have to say anything else. Graham flinches like my words are physical punches, and a part of me is happy that he realizes how much pain he’s caused me. Again, another part of me is in conflict, and I feel bad for causing him pain. How fucking ironic. He hurts me, taking my home away before Christmas, lying to me and making me believe that he loves me, and I feel bad that he is feeling hurt.
Maybe, this is why I end up heartbroken every time. It’s because I care too damn much.
Suddenly, the emotions are too much to bear. They build, and I can’t take it anymore. I’m starting to cry, and if there is anything I don’t want Graham to see, it’s that he managed to make me cry. No man deserves my tears.
“Larry,” I say. He’s carrying more boxes from the living room. “That’s enough for now. We’ll have to come back some other time to get the rest.”
“Are you sure?” Larry asks.
I nod. I must get out of here. I take the most important things, throw them in a bag, and head out to the car. Graham is running after me again, and I wish he would just stop.
“Haven’t you made things bad enough?” I ask, spinning around, and my outburst takes him by surprise. “I’m leaving now. I’ll let you know when I’m able to come back here, but for now, I need time to myself.”
Graham opens his mouth to speak, but I shake my head and lift my hand, stopping him. Whatever he has to say, I don’t want to hear it. Either he is going to make me angrier, or more hurt. I don’t have the energy for either. Without looking at him again, I start to get into the passenger seat of Larry’s car. We have loaded enough for me to get by at Monica’s place. Right now, I just have to get away from Graham and the pain that came with him.
Chapter 32
Graham
I can’t let her leave, not without being able to talk to her. I’m terrified that if she leaves now, I’ll never see her again. I know it’s not realistic. She still has more than half of her stuff here. But she’s running away from me, and I’m sure that I’m going to lose her if I don’t speak to her before she goes.
I run to her and grab the door before she can close it all the way and get into the car.
“Please, I need to talk to you,” I say. I realize I’m sounding like a desperate fool, but it’s true. I am desperate. “I’ve never felt like this about anyone, and I can’t let you walk out of my life.”
She’s angry when she looks at me, her brilliant eyes spewing fire.
“Really? You can’t let me go? And who the hell are you to tell me what I can and can’t do? Dammit, Graham, if you care about someone, you don’t hurt them the way you hurt me. Or is that not what you mean when you say you never felt like this about someone?”
I blink at her. She’s so quick with her words, and she’s taking it all so wrong.
“I’m not trying to tell you what to do,” I say. “I just want to talk.”
“I don’t get it, Graham,” she says, and her face is scarily devoid of emotion. “You’ve been quiet all this time about what you did to me and you haven’t said anything, and God knows you’ve had more than enough opportunity to speak to me about this. We were stranded together for way too long to tell me you didn’t have a chance to speak to me. So why now? Because you’re losing me?”
She’s asking questions that she’s answering for me. I don’t like it.
“I just want to speak to you,” I say. “I want to explain to you why I did what I did. Give me a chance to say what I need to say before you run away from me forever.”
She shakes her head again and again.
“I can’t do this,” she says. “I have to go.”
I won’t let her close the door any farther.
“Let go of the door, Graham,” she says.
I don’t do as she asks.
“Listen, man, maybe you should do as the lady asks,” her brother-in-law says.
I size him up. I’m not thinking clearly, and for a moment, just a moment, I consider taking him out. I’m bigger than he is, more built. I can fight him and win. He looks like a tech guy.
But I don’t do anything stupid, anything that will make Sarah hate me more. I just don’t budge.
“Didn’t you hear me?” the guy asks again. Rage blinds me for a millisecond. But I calm down, and I don’t do it. Again. Point for me. Or is that two points?
“Please, Sarah. I just want to speak to you. I don’t want to make it worse. I don’t want to hurt you.”
I let go of her door.
“Too late, Graham,” she says and slams the door shut. She’s locked away from me, not looking at me, unable to hear me. I watch the guy she came with walk around the car and get in next to her. He’s her brother-in-law, but I’m jealous of him. He gets to spend time with her when I can’t. He gets to talk to her when she doesn’t want to hear from me at all.
I hate that. I hate that every person in the world has something on me right now, and that’s that Sarah doesn’t hate them.
I watch the car pull away and follow it with my gaze until the tail lights disappear around the bend between the trees. When they’re gone, I don’t go home. I stay at the cabin for the night. Britney is okay. I saw it with my own eyes when I returned home, and I know that I can go to her whenever she needs me with the snow not being a problem anymore.
Staying at the cabin makes me feel closer to Sarah. It’s the last connection I have to her. The cabin smells like her perfume, her scent. She’s all over my sheets when I lie down on the bed, and every corner of the cabin is filled with so many memories, I feel like I can choke.
This is where I want to spend my night. I want to be here where we were all right, where I was starting to believe that she was the one for me. The woman I wanted to try it all with again.
I was the one who screwed it up, and I’m going to have to live with that.
I close my eyes and I think about everything we shared while we were here. She likes all the same movies I do — I might be a weirdo and watch them again. We played board games the way Brit and I used to do when we were kids. Sarah is funny and interesting, and she loves kids. She loves the outdoors, and she can be serious and funny, all at the same time.
I really liked her. I am in love with her. It all happened so fast, but it was real. Sarah was more real to me than any of the women I’ve had in my life, and I had a connection with her that I never had with anyone else. I can kick myself for what I’ve done to her.
I feel like shit for treating her the way that I did, for lying to her, and for keeping secrets from her when she deserves so much more. This is something I’m going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. At some point, the rest of her belongings that are still in the cabin will be gone, and then this little home will be all that is left of her. A part of me wants to sell it off so that I don’t have to look at it. Another part of me wants to hold onto this forever.
But the biggest part of me is just heartbroken. I lost
the woman I love.
Chapter 33
Sarah
When I close my eyes, I see Graham again. This happens now and then — the things I think about the most, I end up dreaming about.
Only this time, it’s not a sexy dream like the last couple of times.
I’m with Dream Graham, walking across a perfectly manicured lawn. I don’t know where we are, but it’s peaceful, quiet and the grass is an intense shade of green. The sun is setting, painting the sky with shades of orange and purple, and I can’t think of anything more romantic.
“If you could choose anywhere in the world, where would you be?” Dream Graham asks me. He’s holding my hands, our fingers laced together.
“Right here, with you,” I say.
Dream Graham smiles at me and lifts my hand to his mouth, kissing my knuckles.
“Wish granted then,” he smiles.
“How about you?” I ask. “Where would you be?”
He shrugs. “I don’t know. Sometimes, I just get bored.”
I frown at him. “What do you mean?”
“I don’t know if I can deal with that cabin much longer, being stuck there with you and not seeing anyone else.”
I look around. The cabin is nowhere in sight. I have no idea what’s going on.
“What are you talking about?” I ask.
Dream Graham sighs. “I know you’re not doing it on purpose, but I can’t do this with you all the time. I have to let someone else into this space in my heart that you’re hogging. You’re going to have to get out.”
I yank my hand out of his.
“What?” I ask.
“This is your eviction notice, Sarah.”
When I look up at Dream Graham, it’s not Dream Graham anymore. It’s Dream Jacob. I close my eyes and shake my head back and forth. This isn’t real. It’s not happening. I’m not with Dream Jacob, and we’re not on the college campus. I’m with Dream Graham at the cabin.
