by Kailin Gow
“I’m sorry…I thought…I’ve mistaken everything. I’m so sorry. I just hoped there would be…” Salvatore kept rambling on, trying to find the words to explain what he was feeling. Truth be told, no words could explain what either of us were feeling. It had been so intense and demanding, yet yanked away by Salvatore’s desire to confess and my desire to remain the good girl, the responsible girl. Well, being responsible really sucked sometimes.
After he was dressed, Salvatore walked up to me and looked me in the eyes, showing that he was more mature and composed than I could hope to be at that moment in that situation. “I’m sorry for what I’ve done. I know you are still with Chase. As much as I despise him, if he makes you happy I shall respect that and not interfere.”
“It’s not that,” I said quietly, wondering if my voice sounded as shaky out loud as it did in my head. I hadn’t told Salvatore that we’d broken up or even what had happened. He’d just seen my pain and tried to help. Suddenly, it led to this moment.
Salvatore walked to the door and said, “I have to go, Taylor.”
He walked out the door and I followed. “Where are you going?”
“Out. I need to take a run or something; get rid of this feeling in my heart,” he said. Then he walked away quickly, making his way out of the kitchen and through the back doors. I saw his hand go up to his eyes and it broke my heart. I didn’t know if he was crying, but if I was the thought of his tears I couldn’t stand it. He’d comforted me so sweetly just a short while ago and in turn, I had caused him such anguish.
I was such an idiot. I did want Salvatore as badly as he wanted me, but I was scared. Why had I done that? People have always thought I was smart, but right now I could clearly see that book smarts and emotional smarts were two different things completely. I was as dumb as it came when it got down to the heart and everything in life that made it such a complicated thing.
Just like Salvatore, I realized that I had to get out of the house and release some of my anxiety and sorrow. My pressing concern was what I’d done to Salvatore, not what Chase may be going through. For a flash, I felt like I’d done something wrong to Chase by dumping him so abruptly, but that was ridiculous. I had to remember that he was the one who cheated and messed things up—not me. I’d have plenty of time to commiserate over his indiscretions at a later time.
“I’m going to run after him,” I exclaimed, feeling a burst of confidence to go out and claim what I wanted.
I swung open the front door and almost ran right into…Chase. What was he doing on my doorstep at that moment? If there was one thing that had always worked in his favor, it was timing. He was standing there at the door, holding flowers, and hanging his head down low like he was a scolded puppy dog.
“Taylor,” he cried. He stepped toward me and I stepped back, holding out my arm. I didn’t want him to touch me.
He was crying, something I’d never seen before and through a choked voice he told me what he had to say. “I’ve messed up badly and I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I hurt the one person that I love; the one person I’d never want to hurt—you. Please forgive me. You have to. This is eating me up inside.”
“Stop,” I said. I had to remain strong and I knew that I didn’t want to hear his sob story at that moment. “I don’t have to do anything, Chase.”
“I’m so sorry. I was such a damn fool. I really thought that being a player was a way to gain respect and all the things I wanted. I was wrong. I should have ignored all those girls coming my way, vying for my attention. And the guys, encouraging me to go get laid, I should have never listened. I always thought about you…I swear.”
Ouch! Those words stung because if I were to be honest, which I was forced to be, I knew that I’d thought about Salvatore a great deal during a few of the times I’d been with Chase since he’d come back from college.
Then I snapped back to reality. “You cheated on me. I can’t overlook that. I won’t overlook that!”
A new set of tears began falling from Chase’s eyes. “I need you, Taylor. You have always believed in me. It’s given me so much strength and confidence. With you I can be that noble character you thought I was. I can’t bear the thought of not having you in my life—forever.”
“You’ll recover,” I said. This time my voice was a bit softer because I suddenly felt overwhelmed by his emotional state of mind as he stood there on my front steps.
“Can I come in?” he asked.
My heart said no because I wanted to chase after Salvatore, but I found myself stating that he could come in. Chase was clearly an emotional wreck and while I was mad, I didn’t want to see him so unstable. It kind of freaked me out.
Chase and I sat down in the living room. He kept trying to explain himself and I didn’t say much. I’d been hurt, but I wasn’t the sort of person to kick a guy when he was down. In my mind, I was still debating his sincerity and even if he was sincere, could I ever trust him again? I had no idea. Perhaps if we talked things through right now we could walk away as friends, if nothing else. I supposed I owed it to him to see.
I excused myself to get Chase a glass of water and when I came back he was standing. He walked over to me and grabbed the glass, setting it down on the coffee table, and then reached out to hug me.
“Taylor,” he whispered, squeezing me tightly. “It feels so good to hold you in my arms. The thought of not being able to do that anymore is too much. I promise I’ll never mess up again if you give me a second chance.”
I began to state that I wasn’t sure I was ready for that when I heard the front door. Salvatore came in, sweating from his run, and turned to stare at me. All the tenderness in his eyes earlier was gone and he looked at me like I was the plague. He just put his head down and charged through the kitchen and out to the guest house.
Every bit of me wanted to run after him, but I didn’t. I let Chase keep hugging me and confessing everything, listening to him truly believe that everything was going to be okay; that what we’d just experienced was nothing more than a little hurdle to conquer in our relationship. He thought by releasing all the crap that he’d done to me behind my back—which was a lot—would make it better. He may have felt better, but I didn’t. However, I was concerned for Salvatore more than anything else.
Still frozen, not even listening to Chase any longer, I watched Salvatore walk back into the house. He had a suitcase in his hand. That’s when I pulled away from Chase.
“Where are you going?” I asked. I ran over to Salvatore.
“I’m staying somewhere else—not here, where I can see…this!” He pointed toward Chase. I felt a lump in my throat. “Please thank your parents for their hospitality. My father would be pleased to know how well I have been treated by them. I shall personally write a thank you note later, but now is not the best time to do that. I must go.”
His words were like venom and I was taken aback, horrified that he was going to be leaving. I didn’t want him to leave. “Where are you going? I can’t just let you leave like this.”
Salvatore didn’t answer. He started walking again and headed right to the front door, where he walked out and shut it behind him. I felt an instant void, something that was so startling. The entire day couldn’t have been quirkier, more unpredictable than what it had been. I despised it all.
“Taylor?” Chase asked. “What’s going on? Why would you care if he left? You have the craziest look on your face.”
“What do you mean?” I asked. I looked back at Chase and he had his hands on his hips, scrutinizing me.
“You look like the world just ended and it’s not about what happened between us. It’s about him leaving. Are you two?” In a flash, Chase’s forlorn look turned into that cocky attitude that he’d always sported so well. “You were with him when you and I were still together. I can tell. How dare you act all prim and proper. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.”
“No, we never…” I began.
Well, the old Chase was back and he wa
s ready to roll with his silver tongue and manipulative ways to phrase things and twist them for his own benefit. I couldn’t stand it.
“You clearly have feelings for him. It’s written all over your face. He has them for you, too. Of course, I’ve always been able to tell that, but you…you’re good. Acting like the victim when you’ve been cheating yourself.”
“That’s not true and it’s not what you think, Chase. I can’t be with him.”
“But you want to and that’s just the same as cheating. If you’ve mentally checked out with him it’s just because you’re too much of a coward to go for what you really want.” Then he turned victim and added, “How could you be with me when you wanted him?”
“Chase, that’s why I can’t be with you now. I’m sorry. It’s just not possible.”
Those words stung Chase, ruining whatever it was he had going on with his devious plan. He turned angrier. “Because of that guy? That kid? Do you think that’s reason enough to keep me from trying to win you back? I’m the better man for you and I know that. You know it, too, but you won’t admit it.”
“I don’t know that, Chase. Don’t make this worse than it already is. We don’t have to fight about it. We were together a long time. I think you know it’s time to move on, just like I know it’s time to move on.” His words cemented that my decision was the right one.
Chase ignored my statement and came at me aggressively, grabbing my face in his hands and kissing me hard. I could feel his razor stubble and the kiss hurt, making me shove him away with all the power I had.
He ignored me and began to try and slide off my shirt, but I refused to let him, placing my hand out again and raising my voice. “Stop! I don’t want that, Chase. We’re not going to do that.”
“But…”
“But nothing. I said no. Try it again and I’ll slug you one,” I said, making a fist. I’d never slugged anything in my life, but if he tried to pressure me to have sex with him or let him grope me like he was a caveman I was going to make him the first person I’d ever slugged.
Going over to the flowers on the table that he’d brought for me, Chase smacked them so they fell all over the carpeting. Then he began grumbling and stormed toward the door. With his hand on the knob, he turned around and looked at me. His face was contorted and full of rage.
“I’m still going to be around, Tay. Like it or not, we live in the same neighborhood, go to the same church, have the same friends, and hang out at the same places. You can’t escape me.”
“I know,” I said. “However, I’m not going to just be your girlfriend because of that. It doesn’t work for me any longer. I’m ready to move on and I think you should do the same. We can walk away from this as friends if you relax a bit.”
I saw that the friend’s idea was like salt in a wound to Chase. A sneer crept up on his face. “Well, your family’s business relies on having a good reputation in the community. It’s what I want, too, so I’m willing to overlook your little indiscretion this once. We can start fresh, you and me, and we’ll be on even playing ground.”
Then Chase opened the door and left, leaving it open behind him. I walked over to the door and pressed my cheek against its side, watching him leave. I was glad he was going and knew that he was trying to threaten me into submission, but it wasn’t my primary concern. Salvatore and the look on his face when he left was. Was it too late for me to go after him? I didn’t know. If I did go after him, was I doing the right thing? I couldn’t detect right from wrong at that moment, but I knew that I didn’t want to cause him any more problems or emotional distress. He was too good of a guy and didn’t deserve that. I began questioning what had happened and wondered if it was more the heat of the moment or genuine emotions that had been building over the past two weeks. Ugh! I was so confused and my head was spinning.
I didn’t know what else to do and I decided to just go slump on my bed and have a little pity party. The only reprieve I took was a trip to the kitchen or a big handful of Oreos and a glass of milk.
Chapter 13
The Oreo’s ended up doing a lot more than helping me drown my sorrows about how I’d really messed with Salvatore. They also left chocolate crumbs ground in my teeth that took a good while to get out. I stood on front of my bathroom mirror, not liking the sight of me very well, and flossing my teeth. The entire time I thought about Salvatore. He’d come back into the house for a reason, but what was it? Furthermore, why had I been so stupid to not go after him right away?
Remembering how Salvatore had seen me in Chase’s arms like that was so embarrassing. Not long before that he’d been kissing my breasts to the point of complete arousal and making me feel sexier than I’d ever felt in my life. We had a connection that we couldn’t ignore and had longed for each other. Then my brain malfunctioned, distancing Salvatore and allowing Chase to enter. I’d messed up and handled the situation wrong. Now enough time had passed since he stormed out that I didn’t even know where I’d begin to look for him to try and get him to come back home.
I was driving myself crazy! Admittedly, there was a huge part of me that was also wondering why Salvatore was acting as if I’d betrayed him in some way. He didn’t even know Chase and I had broken up. He’d confessed having feelings for me and wanting to lose his virginity to me, but then he’d distanced himself, too. Yet, I was the one standing here feeling like a complete heel and with a stomach that was in knots, hoping I could make everyone else happy. What about me? Didn’t I deserve to be happy and have someone be considerate of what I was going through?
I heard my phone ringing, playing the ringtone that showed it was my mom calling for me. I ran out of the bathroom and over to my nightstand, where my phone was. “Hey Mom, what’s up?” I said, trying to put on a cheery voice. It was completely phony; however, maybe my mom wouldn’t notice.
“Hi honey. I want you to get a message to Salvatore for me, okay?”
“Okay,” I replied hesitantly. Oh shit! “What is it? Everything’s good, right?”
“Everything is great,” Mom replied. “We just don’t want him to cook tonight because we want to take you two out into DC to celebrate some very exciting news.”
My heart just dropped to the floor, feeling like it stopped beating and was being crushed by a foot the way it may squash a bug. Just kill me now! Why me…why today? My parents would be so disappointed and devastated when I told them that Salvatore had left the house; especially without an explanation or a goodbye. And seriously, I couldn’t tell them what had happened in detail. They’d be so disappointed in me. I clearly only had one choice.
“I’ll tell him,” I said, gulping as the words flowed off my tongue. “What’s the occasion?”
Suddenly Dad was on the telephone. They must have had me on speaker and I didn’t even realize it. Snap out if it, I thought, mentally scolding myself.
“Hi Taylor. You know how Salvatore’s parents’ business is a large percentage of our business.” I listened to my dad laying out all the details and wished he’d get on with it. I had work to do. “Taylor, you there?” he asked.
“Just listening, Dad. Go on.”
“Well, because of us, their business expansion into the US has exceeded their expectations and they have offered to buy a percentage of our business so we can become true business partners in all their exports, rather than just having an agreement. This will help us with our expansion plans and we’ll be able to get more clients as a result. It’s an exciting deal, one that has been in the making for a long time.”
“That’s great, Dad!” I said. I was genuinely happy for him because of how hard he worked and could not show that I was horrified that I may have single handedly destroyed the best business deal he’s ever done.
Suddenly Mom was back on the phone. “This is a huge deal and so exciting,” she began. “We want to make sure that Salvatore is taken care of as well as possible while he’s here. Nothing less than the royal treatment for him. You’ve been doing a wonderful job so far an
d we have to make sure it keeps up.”
Why didn’t they just stab me through the heart? I gulped, knowing I had to act quickly and track down Salvatore. I couldn’t ruin this night for my parents because I’d made some poor decisions. “Okay Mom, I’ll go look for him. He went out for a jog and I’ll have to track him down.”
“We’ll be home in an hour so be ready to go then. And make sure you’re dressed up nicely because we are going to the best restaurant tonight. This is so exciting.”
“Okay, Mom. Well, I had better go. You’ve left me without a lot of time and I have to track down Salvatore and dress to the nine’s. I’d better get going.”
“Bye Taylor, see you soon,” Mom said.
I pressed the end call button on my phone, sprinted to my dresser to grab my purse, grabbed it, and ran out to my car. I jumped in the car, backed out, and then stopped. I had to focus and collect my thoughts. I had no idea where to go. Honestly, did I think I’d just be able to drive around and find Salvatore in ten minutes?
I punched in Salvatore’s cell phone number and called it. It kept ringing and there was no answer so I left a message. Yes, I was pleading and sounding desperate, hoping I’d guilt him into replying.
