by Susan Lewis
‘You have to tell me why it isn’t right.’
‘It’s the way I feel. What’s going on inside me. I had no idea this was going to happen, and God knows I wish it hadn’t, but when I realized … When I saw …’ He stopped, unable to find the right words. ‘I guess what I’m saying is it’s just not right for us to be married,’ he finished lamely.
‘Then why don’t we simply go on living together?’ she said. ‘We don’t have to be married. We can forget about the wedding and go back to the way we were.’
Though he said nothing, his expression showed his answer.
‘You don’t want that either,’ she said.
Briefly he shook his head.
She looked away, sensing that nothing she said was going to change his mind now. If it didn’t matter so much, maybe she would give up, but it mattered more than anything, so she had to keep trying. She couldn’t just let him go. ‘Elliot, please,’ she said, her mouth quivering as she turned back. ‘We have to work this out. Please! There must be something we can do.’
He took a breath and let it go slowly. ‘I want us to still be in each other’s lives,’ he said. ‘We’ll be running into each other all the time …’
She clasped a hand to her mouth, unable to bear the thought of them passing like strangers, no longer being connected, politely asking how the other was, maybe hearing he was in a new relationship. There was no way of holding the tears back now.
He sat quietly as she wept into her hands, staying remote, feeling her pain as deeply as his own, until, finally, he got up and went to her. ‘I know you’re not going to believe me now,’ he said, pulling her head onto his shoulder, ‘but one day you’ll thank me for this.’
‘Don’t say that!’ she choked, pushing him away. ‘It’s patronizing and it’s not true. You don’t seem to understand how much I love you. It’s not just going to go away because you’ve decided it should. It’s here, in me, the biggest part of me. I feel as though you’re destroying me, so how the hell do you think I’m ever going to thank you for that?’
Knowing there was no more he could say to convince her, he wrapped her in his arms again and held her tight. It probably wasn’t the right thing to do, it would probably have been better to keep his distance, but when she was hurting this much, it was all he could think of to help her.
It was a long time before she finally raised her head from his shoulder. Her face was ravaged, her eyes bloodshot and swollen. ‘Never, in all my worst nightmares, did I ever imagine …’ she said brokenly. She pressed a hand to her mouth in an effort to stop herself crying any more. She couldn’t bear it. She just couldn’t. ‘I don’t suppose,’ she said, ‘you’ve got any idea what it’s like to look at someone, the way I’m looking at you now, and know that you have absolutely no control. That nothing you do is going to make a difference. I love you. Everything in the world that matters to me is in you, but I can’t make you feel the same way. You’re the one with all the power, because you’re the one who isn’t in love.’ She took another breath, and brushed away more tears. ‘What fools that stupid emotion makes of us. It’s cruel and vicious … I never want to feel it again …’
His head went down as his eyes closed. He wasn’t handling this well, which was exactly why he hadn’t wanted to discuss anything yet. He’d needed to get it straight in his own mind, work out how he was really going to explain everything to her, without screwing it up in this way.
Deciding to try and change the subject he said, ‘I thought you were going to Hydra. Rachel mentioned something …’
Refusing to be distracted, she took both his hands in hers and looked into his eyes. ‘Please tell me you’ll give this some more thought,’ she said. ‘Say that it isn’t over yet. You don’t have to make any more promises than that, I just want you to understand that I really do love you, and I’ll do whatever it takes to make you come back.’
Still looking at her, he lifted a hand to her face. ‘I do believe it,’ he said, very softly, ‘but it doesn’t change anything.’
Though she was staring into his eyes he could see that the words weren’t really reaching her.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘I wish I could explain things better. I wish to God I understood them. I just know that I have to let you go.’
For what seemed an eternity her tragic blue eyes remained on his, until finally she freed her hands and stood up. Her face had become very pale now, showing him that inside she was breaking apart, but her voice was steady as she said, ‘In spite of everything, Elliot, I love you with every fibre of my being, and that’s not going to change.’ There was a light of defiance in her eyes as she stared up at him, a challenge that told him she wasn’t going to let him go, at least not that easily, and certainly not yet.
Not knowing what else to do, he pulled her into his arms and buried his face in her hair. ‘I love you too,’ he whispered, knowing he shouldn’t.
They stood together for a long, long time, holding each other close, neither wanting to let the other go. In the end she was the one to break the embrace, turning away and walking to the door.
As she opened it he started after her, but when he got there she was already halfway down the stairs. He stood listening to her footsteps, to the slamming of the door, to the sound of her walking along the street, then to the silence that followed.
In the end it was the phone ringing on his desk that reminded him he was still a part of the real world, even though he felt trapped in a nightmare.
‘Elliot Russell,’ he said gruffly into the phone.
‘Hello,’ the voice at the other end purred playfully down the line, ‘feel like joining us all for dinner?’
‘Andraya,’ he said, his eyes closing as he thought of how it might have been if she’d called five minutes before. But he wouldn’t have answered the phone then, so it wasn’t an issue. ‘I don’t think so, not tonight,’ he said.
‘Oh, now I’m disappointed, and you know how I hate to be disappointed.’
‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘This isn’t a good time.’
‘Mmm,’ she responded, ‘then maybe I should come over there and turn it into a good time?’
Without answering he clicked off the line, then turned off the phone. Did it make it any better, he was asking himself bitterly, that he’d waited until he was no longer with Laurie to sleep with Andraya? If it did, it sure as hell didn’t feel that way.
Chapter Twelve
SHERRY WAS AT Laurie’s office going through the mail that had piled up over the past couple of weeks. Splitting her time between her own and Laurie’s commitments was proving a bigger juggling act than she’d expected, but on the whole she seemed to be coping. Having Nick back in her life definitely helped, for it had fired up her energy to a level where just about anything felt possible. It was as though she’d shaken off heavy boots, cut loose from invisible reins, broken out of a cast to become the happy and carefree person she really was. At least that was how she felt every time she saw him, or whenever he rang.
In between times it didn’t take long for her to start fretting about everything from Nick’s feelings for his wife, his relationship with this Elaine Sabarito, to whether she’d ever hear from him again, which was insane, because he’d given her absolutely no reason to doubt him. He always called when he said he would, and on the two other occasions she’d seen him since the night they went for dinner – once for lunch and once for a cocktail party at a news magazine – everything had been just fine. So she didn’t need to be this afraid of what the future might hold – it was simply the demons from the past trying to scare her into believing that nothing ever really worked out, when sometimes things actually did.
Well, to hell with them, she decided, binning the junk mail, and turning on Laurie’s computer she clicked to go online. There should be more information from Rose and the crew by now, who were still in Gujarat trying to locate the head of the snake, as Rose had dubbed that end of the operation. Finding several messages, she read and
downloaded them, then opened the ‘immigrant’ file to start adding her own recent discoveries, the most significant of which was Dr Patel’s sudden attack of amnesia. Clearly the good doctor had been got to, which could well be a result of Cribbs and his cronies finding out that the press – i.e. Sherry MacElvoy – was on their tail. It made her wonder how long it would be before they approached her too, a daunting prospect, but since it went with the territory of investigative journalism she wasn’t going to allow it to deter her – at least not yet.
‘Still no contact from Cribbs or the Ghosh woman?’ Nick asked when he called a few minutes later.
‘No, nothing,’ she answered. ‘My guess is, they’re playing a waiting game, they won’t move until we do.’
‘And your next move is?’
‘That’s what we’re meeting about this morning, so I’ll let you know. The order I put in as a fashion buyer is due for delivery tomorrow, so I might call Mrs Ghosh later to see if it’s on schedule.’
‘You’re going to continue with your cover?’
‘I’m not supposed to know it’s been blown, remember, so for the time being it might be interesting to see what happens if I keep it up. If nothing else it gives me a reason to call, or even go round there. And if they start closing the doors, they’ve got to know that the investigation will just get tougher, because it’ll be taken as an admission that they’ve got something to hide.’
There was a smile in his voice as he said, ‘Watch out Eddie Cribbs, you just don’t know who you’re dealing with.’
‘Oh, I’m sure he’s really scared,’ she laughed. ‘Though he should be, because if we find that he really is bringing women into this country illegally and selling them into prostitution, take it from me, his days are numbered.’
‘That’s my girl,’ Nick responded. ‘Stick it to him.’
Still laughing, she said, ‘What time’s your flight?’
‘Two thirty.’
‘Are you excited?’
‘Even more than Julia is. It’ll be her first time in London as a teenager, as she keeps reminding me. I think that’s letting me know she’s grown up now, so not to get in her hair. It’s bad enough that I’m flying over there to get her – not cool, I’m told. But neither Trudy nor I wanted her to do the flight alone.’
‘And you get back when?’
‘In three days.’ He gave a sigh, that sounded like a stretch. ‘We should have a good time exploring my home town, the two of us.’
Trying not to mind that the number seemed to exclude her, she looked down at her mobile as it started to ring. ‘It’s Laurie,’ she told him, ‘I’d better take it.’
‘OK. I’ll ring when I get to New York. Good luck with it all, and watch out for Cribbs.’
Relieved that he hadn’t mentioned anything about Elaine Sabarito again, whom she had no desire to be in touch with now, she rang off and picked up her mobile.
At the other end, Laurie was barely able to get her breath. ‘Sherry! Thank God!’ she gasped. ‘Where are you?’
‘At your office.’
‘Have you seen the Express this morning?’ Her hand was shaking as she stared down at a small article tucked away on an inside page.
‘No, why?’
‘I’ll be there in five minutes,’ Laurie said, and put the phone down.
Since she was staying with Sherry at the moment, it was indeed only five minutes before Laurie walked in through the door of her office, looking so tense she might snap.
‘What is it?’ Sherry said, as she dropped the paper on her desk and pointed to the article.
‘Read that,’ she demanded.
Sherry barely had time to before Laurie said, ‘He’s sleeping with Andraya Sorrantos.’ The words were like a blow, causing her to panic again.
‘That’s not what it says,’ Sherry protested.
‘I’m going round there.’
‘Laurie no!’ Sherry cried, jumping to her feet as Laurie started for the door.
‘I have to know what’s going on,’ Laurie almost shouted, and before Sherry could stop her she’d gone.
Quickly Sherry picked up the phone and dialled Rachel’s number.
Forty minutes later Laurie was standing in the street outside Chris’s gallery, pushing on the bell to the top-floor apartment. She could hear it, buzzing faintly in the upstairs hall, but the intercom stayed silent. She thumped the door and rang the bell again, and again, shouting Elliot’s name, pressing herself to the door as though to force it open. People passing were giving her strange looks, but she was so desperate she didn’t care. She just needed to see him, needed to know that he wasn’t in there with Andraya Sorrantos.
‘Elliot, please,’ she sobbed. ‘Please let me in.’
‘Laurie.’
She spun round to see Rachel getting out of Chris’s car, then watched wild-eyed as Chris drove off to park and Rachel took out her keys.
‘Is it true?’ she demanded, as Rachel came towards her. ‘Is he seeing her?’
‘All it said in the paper was that he had dinner with us all last night,’ Rachel said, trying to exert some calm. ‘I was there, Laurie, and I’m telling you, you’re leaping to conclusions …’
‘So where is he now?’
‘I don’t know.’
Laurie’s heart turned inside out. ‘So he could be with her?’
‘No,’ Rachel said firmly. ‘Believe me, if there was anything going on Chris or I would know.’
Laurie’s eyes were full of doubt as she looked at her, her torment so deep that Rachel groaned with pity and pulled her into her arms.
‘I can’t bear it, Rachel,’ Laurie whispered. ‘I just can’t bear it.’
‘I’m afraid I don’t have long,’ Anita told Sherry, as she carried their coffees to a table outside the Riverwalk Café. ‘I have a meeting at twelve.’
‘Me too,’ Sherry said. ‘Though I don’t think Laurie’s going to make it.’
‘Where is she now?’ Anita asked, sitting down.
‘With Rachel.’
‘And what does Rachel say? Is there something going on?’
‘She doesn’t think so. She admitted that Andraya comes on strong when she’s around Elliot, but she’s the same with all men, so she doesn’t see any reason to read anything into it. Anyway, as time is short, I’m going to be selfish and cut straight to the reason we’re here. What do you think about what I told you the other day?’
‘You mean about Nick and his wife, and his relationship with this Elaine woman?’
Sherry nodded.
‘Well, for what it’s worth,’ Anita responded, picking up her coffee, ‘it seems as though he probably lied about his feelings for his wife when he met you the first time around. All those excuses, his mother, his religion, his daughter …’ She took a sip. ‘Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure he loved every minute of his time with you, but I doubt, from what you’re telling me, that he had any intention of breaking up his family because of it.’
Sherry’s face was solemn as she nodded. ‘So much for our star-crossed romance,’ she stated glumly. ‘It makes me look such a fool for believing in it all these years, doesn’t it?’
‘Not really. He obviously had some very strong feelings for you, because he stayed in touch after you split up, and even helped get you started in London.’
‘But what about this Elaine woman? I honestly thought, if his marriage did ever break up, that he’d come straight to me.’
‘I’d put that down to a combination of things: his mother dying, his wife leaving him, his daughter acquiring a second father … He had a lot to deal with then, and I expect this woman was more a distraction than a real passion. It often happens when someone’s going through a traumatic time, they get into a relationship that makes no demands, is just easy and accommodating and basically there when they need it, and not when they don’t. If this woman is a high-powered attorney she’ll have plenty of other commitments, and it was probably an arrangement that suited her too, at the ti
me. Whereas you, and the feelings you two shared in the past, was something he simply couldn’t handle when he had so much else going on.’
Knowing just how complicated everything had been back then, Sherry was ready to accept the answer. ‘And what about his daughter?’ she asked.
‘What about her?’
‘Well, he hasn’t actually said I can meet her.’
‘He’s probably just assuming it’ll happen, which I’m sure it will. When’s she coming?’
‘They’ll be back on Friday for what should have been two weeks but has now turned into six, since her mother’s off on some yacht with the rich lover and some superstar friends for the summer.’
‘Sounds like she’s got it worked out,’ Anita commented, unwrapping a biscuit and dunking it. ‘Remind me where he’s living again.’
‘He’s renting the basement flat of his cousin’s house in Highgate. She, the cousin, has two kids of her own, both teenagers, so it should work out well for Julia. I’m just wondering how often I’ll get to see him while she’s around.’
‘Where there’s a will,’ Anita reminded her. ‘Now, tell me about the bed department? You don’t have to go into detail, unless you want to of course, but have you done the deed yet?’
‘Actually, no, we haven’t. He’s being a perfect gentleman. We’re just dating, getting to know each other again, though I’m pretty certain it’ll happen when he gets back from New York.’
Anita nodded. ‘Then remember to heed your own advice, Dear Molly,’ she cautioned. ‘These are very early days. Don’t try to run before you can walk, or more accurately, don’t expect too much, too soon.’
Sherry frowned as she thought. ‘So you think wanting to be whisked off up the aisle by the end of the month is expecting too much?’ she responded, with a perfectly straight face.
Anita laughed, but then was serious again. ‘A lot of water has flowed under the bridge since you two first met,’ she said. ‘Things have happened, you’ve both changed in ways you’re probably not even aware of yet.’
