by Joey Ruff
Grace was my TP-82 combination rifle, twin shotgun barrels above a rifle chamber. She fired everything from flares to armor-piercing rounds to bolos – the latter being a steel cable between a couple of weighted ball-bearings, designed as a non-lethal snare. I’d found more creative uses for it, like close-range limb amputations. The detachable butt-stock doubled as a machete in a canvas sheath.
I found Ape at an open window, and when he saw me approach, he leapt onto the sill and surveyed the room beyond.
“I’ll go first and signal when it’s clear,” he said.
I nodded. “You do that.”
He ducked inside, and I approached the window, hoisting myself onto the sill with some effort, and watched him disappear through a door into the hallway beyond. I waited. A moment later, he reappeared in the doorway, motioned for me, and disappeared again. I ducked inside.
I was in a private room, and while there was no patient, the bed sheets were cast aside in such a way I had the impression one had been spirited away rather quickly. I’d spent so much time thinking about the doctor being in danger I hadn’t given any thought to the innocent children, most of them sick and bedridden, no doubt.
The television suspended in the corner buzzed with static, and the door to the room hung limply open the way Ape had left it. “Ape?” I called in a voice just louder than a whisper.
But Ape didn’t answer. As I took a step, I heard a noise that could only be laughter, high-pitched and juvenile, mischievous, even.
I looked around curiously, but saw nothing. I waited as the sound died away, and I said, a bit louder than before, “Ape, is it fucking clear?” There was no answer, which could’ve meant that he was in trouble himself…and probably needed my help.
I took another step, and the bathroom door to my right creaked open. The same laughter echoed again, louder this time, and a figure maybe two feet tall stepped from the dimly-lit lavatory into the static glow of the TV set.
The thing was humanoid in appearance, though much smaller, and it was pale white and naked like a rat but for the tufts of blonde hair on its elbows and knees and the rampant plume between its legs from which dangled its flaccid, pink John Thomas that looked like half a small earthworm. Its head was long and squat like an American football with a tiny ear at either point and a sharp peak of the same blonde hair on its chin. A thick, ruby-red horn spiraled a foot off the top of its head, narrowing to a sharp point like a drill.
“Oh, good,” I said. “A Red-Cap Gnome. Fucking brilliant.”
Its pink eyes narrowed in fury, and its wide frog mouth parted to reveal savage white barbs as it laughed again. This time, the laugh was joined by others of its kind as they hobbled out of the closet, from under the bed, and from behind some discarded pillows in the corner.
There were six of them.
I cracked my knuckles slowly, and for a moment I considered what Ape said about quiet, but then the first motherfucker charged me, head bent low to strike with its horn, and I only managed to side-step as the razored edge sliced neatly through the leg of my jeans.
I pulled my Glocks and fired three rounds, but they were faster than me and hard to hit. Two of them leapt at my chest, raising three taloned fingers to carve into my leather jacket.
I shook and took a few steps backward. Two more went for my feet, and I screamed as fire tore into my leg. I managed to squeeze off another shot and heard one cry out in pain as the others continued their incessant laughter.
I looked down at the creatures on my legs, saw the jaws of one clamped around my calf, tiny white teeth sunk to the gums in my leg. I put two bullets into its head, and the jaws let go.
I managed to kick the other one off of me and fell backward through the doorway into the hall. Lying on my back, I grabbed one from my chest and tore it free of my jacket, squeezing its throat as it shrieked in laughter, its eyes narrowing to slits. I slammed it against its partner, still on my chest, scattering it across the hallway, and then smashed its head against the floor as hard as I could.
As I brought it back up, it wriggled against my grip and brought the tip of its horn down against my face, scraping my cheek just enough to draw blood. I tightened my grip and squeezed until the laughter became a suppressed gurgling and the fight simply went out.
I tossed the limp thing at its friend as it came charging once more from where it had landed in the hallway, hit it perfectly, and they both tumbled together. For the briefest moment, all was quiet, then I turned back to the doorway as the laughter came once more and the last two came bounding for me.
But they didn’t reach me. The shadow of a man fell across where I lay in the hallway, and the Red-Caps quickly fell silent and retreated to a spot under the bed.
“It’s about time, you sodding bastard. Give the all-clear and then…” I turned, expecting to see Ape, but I didn’t.
What stared me down looked at first glance like a stag, antlers branching impressively toward the ceiling, but as its back legs shifted haphazzardly, I heard its taloned feet clicking against the tile floor, noticed the feathers that covered its flanks, and then it crowed violently, spreading and flapping the massive wings that it had kept folded at its sides.
It was a Peryton. I knew about them, but never fought them. The few I'd seen in the past weren't a threat to me, being human, as their thirst had already been sated. The way you could tell, apart from the savage blood-lust, was the shadow. They craved blood and cast a human shadow until they'd killed a man and bathed in his juices. Their shadows took a more appropriate shape once pacified. The fact that this one's shadow fell as if from a NBA center didn't exactly bode well for me.
As its red eyes narrowed, it reared back, and its hooves pumped the air as its wings beat down forcefully.
I scrambled to my feet and pulled the Glock up to fire, but a hoof caught the barrel of the gun and knocked it from my hand. As it landed, it lowered its head and swept its antlers back and forth before it, taking one step closer, than another.
I backed up a few steps and reached for Grace, but it reared back again and my chest caught a rapid series of blows from its hooves that felt like I'd taken close-range slugs to a Kevlar vest. It knocked the wind from me and threw me to my arse, but didn't let up, pummeling me with more blows to the back and sides. I threw an arm up to cover my head, took a shot to the elbow, and screamed as the pain rained down upon me.
Somehow I managed to draw Grace and fire her blindly. Her bark was louder than the Peryton's and wholly unexpected, sending the beast back a few paces as the steel cable of the bolo round secured one hoof and both wings to the creature's torso.
It floundered a moment on its avian hind legs and then toppled onto its side, its head thrashing about, its free foreleg twitching anxiously. It made a noise that was part sheep bleat and part raven caw. It sounded hurt and so pathetic that for the briefest moment, I almost felt sorry for it. Until I reminded myself that it wasn't a fucking animal, that it had just tried to stampede my arse.
I hobbled to my feet, my eyes never leaving the struggling Peryton, and I smiled coldly as I chambered an armor-piercing round in the rifle barrel and brought Grace up for a goodnight kiss. I pulled the trigger, and thunder echoed along the hallway. It twitched its leg for a moment, and I watched, unsure if it were safe to step over. After another moment, it finally fell still, and I ambled past the beast, weapons holstered and arm wrapped around the throbbing burn across my ribs.
I wandered the halls absently, and the sanitized smell, the soft pastel-colored walls, the animal and flower murals on the floor and walls reminded me too much of things I’d tried to forget. When Anna was sick, we spent so much time in fucking hospitals. She was six when she died. The deeper I walked in the bloody place, the madder I started to feel. If I didn’t get out soon, I was likely to lose the plot altogether.
“C’mon, Ape,” I said weakly. “You’re really starting to get on my tits.”
My chest was on fire, and my breathing became more labored and slow. A
s I passed by a nurse’s station, I leaned sluggishly against it. I couldn’t stop, couldn’t slow down. I didn’t know what other beasties were lurking in the halls – well, I knew one, and I had to stop him. After the beating I’d just gotten, I was damned if I wasn’t getting paid.
Instinct told me that a warring centaur wouldn’t exact his revenge quietly, but yet, the calm that covered the hospital was so preternaturally silent that it sent chills up my spine. I knew Synder was somewhere, but I had no clue where. So I listened.
In the quiet, I heard a small, hushed sneeze.
I drew Grace, popped her open, and slid in some iron shells. Iron, see, burned the fairy kind, which is exactly what Synder and his Korrigan pals fucking were.
I moved to a private room nearby, Grace at the ready, and slowly, I turned the knob. Grace entered before me, and she conjured a chorus of high-pitched shrieks and terrified sobs.
Inside the room, nearly two dozen children in hospital gowns were huddled together on the floor, women in scrubs huddled around them, comforting them, and as I entered, the nearest, and also the eldest, of the nurses stood warily and came towards me.
With relief, I lowered Grace, and she approached cautiously, speaking in hushed, calm tones so as to not alarm the children.
“Oh, thank God,” she said. “We thought you were one of them.”
“One of…who?” I said, playing dumb. The world at large didn’t know about monsters, and as a general rule, for their own safety, people like me did our best to keep them in the dark. Some of the nightmare creatures that were out there drew strength from being feared or worshipped, which couldn’t happen if people thought they didn’t exist. Most of the creatures just fed on humans, drank their blood, picked their bones clean, slurped their spinal fluid. Life was fucking short enough. Let the dumb-fuck lemmings live what time they have left blissfully unaware.
“The…monsters,” the nurse said. She had a nice face that got serious with the word monster, and I noted the grey in the fringes of her hair. I figured she was the one these others looked to for strength.
“Calm down,” I said. “Yes, I’m after this guy, but…let’s not call him a monster, okay. Do you…”
“He had horse’s legs. I saw him.” Her eyes went wide, and there was just enough panic in her voice to let me see through the mask she wore. She was terrified, and the only reason she was holding it together was for the kids.
I put a hand on her shoulder. “What’s your name?”
“Kathy.”
“It’s going to be okay, Kathy,” I said. “You have a good thing going with these kids right now. Stay inside the room here, and I’m gonna take care of this fucking centaur.” I glanced over at the children who were all cowering away from me. “I mean, this…fucking guy.” I looked back at her. “Do you know where he is now?”
She pointed a shaky hand down the hallway. “E…Emergency, I think.”
“Okay,” I said. “Are any of the kids hurt?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Good. I have a partner here, we got separated. He’s a hairy bastard, looks like a Frank Sinatra werewolf. Have you seen anyone like that?”
She shook her head.
I frowned. Where the fuck had Ape disappeared to? “Okay,” I said. “I’m going after this guy. Everything’s going to be just fine. Barricade the door when I’m gone.” I looked back at the kids. “It’s going to be okay, kids. Listen to Nurse Kathy and the others and stay in this room. I’m going to take care of everything, okay? I’m with the…umm, fuck. I’m with the Fire Department.”
With that, I backed out of the room and headed down the hall in the direction she had pointed, limping slightly and fighting for breath.
After I’d gone a few hundred feet, I crossed through a set of double doors, and I could just make out the droning of a voice, deep and resonant. And angry.
The hallway teed off to the right, and I moved quietly to the edge and peaked around the corner. Elevators occupied either side, and a large potted plant stood on the far wall between them. A doctor in a white coat and khaki pants cowered beside the plant as the centaur towered above him.
From the waist down, Synder was a horse, and not just any horse, but one of the really big fucking war stallions with the plumes of hair above each dinner-plate-sized hoof. His brown arse was mottled with white spots, and a long black tail swished back and forth. Where the horse’s head should have been, was the torso of a barbarian: shirtless but for the sword scabbard slung across his chest and rippling muscles for miles. His face was scarred, and a braided beard dangled from his chin while his long black hair was drawn back into a ponytail, err…you know what I mean.
He was huge, nearly ten feet tall, and the ceiling hovered only inches above his head. By comparison, the doctor – Kevin Hastings, I presumed – was dwarfed. With the doctor’s neatly groomed hair and glasses, his dashing good looks, it was difficult to believe that the same woman had fallen for both at one time or another. It was even weirder trying to imagine the sex life she must’ve had with Synder, seeing his enormous stature and remembering her as the frail child she appeared. Then again, maybe he had a small penis; it would definitely explain the large sword.
I ducked back around the corner, put my back to the wall, and took a few deep breaths. To my left was the hall I’d come down, and to my right, across from the elevators, was a small, recessed vending alcove, large Panda statues on either side of the opening. I couldn’t see the entire room, and it took me a minute to realize that a man and woman in white coats huddled together beside one of the Coke machines.
I stole another glance at Synder, but he was focused on Hastings and recanting some self-indulgent rant in a low voice. I wasn’t paying attention to the words he said, something about taking my girl, and blah blah blah.
As I moved for the alcove, something grabbed me from behind and pulled me into a janitor’s closet. Before I could say anything, Ape motioned for me to be quiet.
“What happened to you?” he asked in a whisper.
“Me?! What the fu…where the sodding hell have you been this whole bloody time?”
“I told you to be quiet coming in.”
“I was quiet.”
“I heard gunshots, Jono.”
“You said it was clear. I was bloody attacked.”
“Now’s not the time.”
“What the…” He was right. “Bollocks.” I wasn’t about to tell him that, though. He’d answer for it later.
“I’ve been sitting here for five minutes,” Ape said. “I’ve been listening, waiting for the right opportunity. I think the doctor has some kind of empathic ability. It’s the only reason Synder hasn’t torn him apart.”
“Empathic ability?”
“Making him reflect on his feelings. Synder’s been going on about how he’s missed Esper and how sorry he is for the way he treated her.”
“Hastings looked pretty terrified to me,” I said.
“He might not know he has that ability. Most halflings don’t know how special they are, especially the ones raised among humans. It may kick in as a defense mechanism.”
“Fine,” I said. “So what do we do?”
“You mean you actually want a plan this time?”
I flashed him a cheeky, annoyed grin.
“We’ve gotta get the other doctors out first,” Ape said.
“What others?”
“They’re holed up in the vending area. There’s at least five or six.”
“Okay,” I said. “You do that. I’ll take down Synder.”
“In your condition?”
“What?” I wheezed. “I’ve been worse.”
He shrugged. “Fine. You distract Synder and I’ll get the others to safety.”
“You say that like it was your idea,” I said. Before he could say anything else, I was back in the hallway and standing behind the centaur. I pulled Grace, cleared my throat loudly, and yelled, “Hey, Synder! Your mama was a horse-fucker!”
There was a momentary pause in his revelry, and then he turned, training his ugly face on me. He had a scar trailing down from the middle of his forehead through his left eye, the pupil of which was whited out and foggy, and the bridge of his nose had a chunk missing from it. He narrowed his good eye when he looked at me and shifted his hooves against the tile.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Ape poised at the corner of the hallway. “I gotta ask, Mate,” I called to the centaur. “What kind of ab routine do you do to maintain a six-pack like that? I can’t see a bloke like you doing many crunches, what with the horse feet….”
As Ape ran for the vending area, Synder charged.
Grace was ready and fired. Synder stopped mid-gallop and reeled back, his head going through the ceiling tiles as smoke erupted from the tiny holes all over his chest. As he came down, he brought a portion of the ceiling with him, throwing debris and dust in to the air. I threw myself to the side to avoid a section of the collapsing ceiling. I landed on my back and skidded into the wall.
Beside me, Ape had reached the doctors, but as he crossed the threshold of the vending area, the panda statues on either side of the entrance began to move, their stone softening into a reddish-brown fur. Despite their size, they were more fox than panda, and each wore a hat made from a folded lotus leaf, while one carried a jug of sake. However, most noticeable about the creatures once they turned and started moving towards Ape, was the enormous pair of fuzzy testicles that dangled as big as basketballs between their legs and swept across the ground, causing them to move like sumo wrestlers.
“Ape!” I called. “Tanuki!”
They were a type of Japanese luck spirit, usually Seelie. What they were doing with a Korrigan like Synder was anybody’s guess, and I didn’t have time to really think about it.
Ape had just reached the doctors and was helping them to their feet, and when he saw the tanuki coming after him, he yelled, “Get out of here. Quick!”
Two of the doctors ran past me and down the hallway as Synder came around the corner with his sword in hand, pulling pieces of the ceiling down. He didn’t have to, so I figured maybe he intended it as a scare tactic or he found it as pleasant as popping bubble wrap – how the fuck should I know, Korrigan were madder than a bag of ferrets.
