by Jaime Cortez
GORDO
STORIES
JAIME CORTEZ
Black Cat
New York
Copyright © 2021 by Jaime Cortez
Jacket design by Becca Fox Design and Gretchen Mergenthaler
Jacket artwork © Robert Garcia
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer, who may quote brief passages in a review. Scanning, uploading, and electronic distribution of this book or the facilitation of such without the permission of the publisher is prohibited. Please purchase only authorized electronic editions, and do not participate in or encourage electronic piracy of copyrighted materials. Your support of the author’s rights is appreciated. Any member of educational institutions wishing to photocopy part or all of the work for classroom use, or anthology, should send inquiries to Grove Atlantic, 154 West 14th Street, New York, NY 10011, or [email protected].
FIRST EDITION
Published simultaneously in Canada
The following stories were previously published: “The Jesus Donut” in Kindergarde, “El Gordo” on Snap Judgment, “The Nasty Book Wars” (originally published as “The Nastybook Wars”) in Freeman’s and Besame Mucho, “The Pardos” (originally published as “The Mercados”) in 2SexE, and “Raymundo the Fag” in Tea Party Magazine.
This book is was set in 11.5-point Scala by Alpha Design & Composition of Pittsfield, NH.
First Grove Atlantic edition: August 2021
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication data available for this title.
ISBN 978-0-8021-5808-6
eISBN 978-0-8021-5809-3
Black Cat
an imprint of Grove Atlantic
154 West 14th Street
New York, NY 10011
Distributed by Publishers Group West
groveatlantic.com
I dedicate this book to Felicitas and Felipe Cortez.
You loved me, you told stories, and you gave me an extended master course in gallows humor.
I ask for nothing more.
Contents
The Jesus Donut
El Gordo
Chorizo
Cookie
The Nasty Book Wars
Fandango
Alex
The Pardos
The Problem of Style
Raymundo the Fag
Ofelia’s Last Ride
Acknowledgments
The Jesus Donut
Soon as the van turns off San Juan Highway onto our dirt road, I can see the cloud of dust chasing it. Don’t look like nothing special at first. Just a white van changing into a dusty brown van. When it gets closer, I see it says FLOUR CHILD on the side in big curly letters. What does that mean? The van stops close to me and the other kids, and the driver opens the door and steps out. With his pink face, white shirt, white hair, and little mustache, he looks like Mister Kentucky Fried Chicken. My dog, Lobo, doesn’t like strangers, and he pulls on his chain and barks at the man.
Mister Kentucky opens up the two back doors of the van. Of course, we’re wondering what he’s doing. Usually the jefe, Joe Gyrich, is the only gringo that ever comes to the Gyrich Farms Worker Camp, so it’s not like we see real Americanos here every day. Kentucky looks at us and smiles, then he makes a little hook with his finger and calls us with it. I point to myself, like I’m saying “me?”
“Yes you, my friend,” he says. My cousin Cesar and me put down our sticks and stop our game of changai. My sister, Sylvie, and our cousins Olga and Tiny stop playing hopscotch and come over too. The five of us circle around Mister Kentucky, and he has a big ol’ smile, like he’s gonna tell us the greatest secret ever. “Hablan español?” he asks. I’m surprised to hear him talk in Spanish. It’s like when I heard a parrot say “Lucy, I’m hoooome” at my tia’s house. We didn’t think he could do that. Then Cesar answers.
“Yeah, we can speak Spanish. English too.” Cesar is so brave, talking to that big pink, white-haired gringo just like that. Maybe when I get to the sixth grade like him, I’ll be all brave too.
“Muy bueno. That is very good,” says Mister Kentucky real slow, like he thought we couldn’t understand. Then he turns and opens up the two doors on the back of the van. Inside, it has four big silver metal drawers stacked up. He grabs the handle of the bottom drawer and pulls on it. It opens up, we look, and everyone is surprised.
“Waaaauw.”
“Holy guacamole.”
“Ooooh, so nice.”
“No way, José.”
The whole drawer is full up with donuts! Shiny, perfect donuts all in a row like little soldiers. The smell is really, really nice. We never had no van full of donuts arrive here at the Gyrich Farms Worker Camp before. Kentucky smiles at us, and we smile back at him. He shows us the next drawer. Oh my God, Jesus. All chocolate donuts! Some of them have little rainbow sprinkles on them or even better: COCONUT. This chocolate drawer is so beautiful. Nobody says nothing. We stare. It’s like a magic show. Kentucky is smiling so hard his eyes get tiny, and he opens the top drawer. One hundred percent cookies! I’m not lying, man. Huge cookies, bigger than your hand. Some oatmeal, some chocolate chip, and some yellow have-a-nice-day smiley face cookies too. It’s a miracle. Someone bought a whole van filled up with donuts to the worker camp, here in the middle of the tomato fields in tiny San Juan Bautista. Nobody ever comes to the camp unless they work here or they’re visiting the family.
“Please can I have one, please?” asks Tiny.
“No, stupid,” says my sister, Sylvie. “They’re not free. You gotta pay.”
“How much I gotta pay?” asks Tiny.
“Not too much, little lady,” says the man. “They’re twelve cents each or two for twenty cents.”
“Oh,” says Tiny.
Nobody says nothing. I feel embarrassed. I don’t have no twelve cents or even one cents. This nice man drives all the way out to the ranch, shows us the shiny donuts, and nobody has twelve cents to buy one. I think he is embarrassed too.
“Maybe you can ask your mama,” he says.
“She’s working,” I say. I point to the tomato fields where my ma and the other mothers are working. Mister Kentucky thinks and then he says, “All righty, well, maybe next time you can save your pennies and buy a donut, my friend.” He closes the cookie drawer, then the beautiful chocolate drawer, and then Olga says, “Wait, please. Can I please have two donuts, please?”
“Of course you can, little lady,” says Kentucky. “What kind of donuts would you like?” Everyone’s staring at Olga, cuz—where did she get money? The man gets a pink-and-white bag and a little piece of paper.
“Please, I want a chocolate donut with rainbow sprinkles, please,” she says. The man gets one and puts it in the bag. Then she points to the shiny glazed donuts on the bottom drawer. He pops one of those in the bag too.
“Twenty cents,” he says.
Everybody stops breathing. What’s she gonna do? She don’t got no money. She gonna take the bag and run? That would be stupid, cuz he could chase her in the van. Besides, if she did that, Grandma would hit her so hard, she’d see the Devil through a hole. I don’t know what that means, but Grandma always says that, and it sounds pretty serious.
* * *
Olga bends down and unties one of her tennies. She takes it off her foot and there, in the bottom of the stinky shoe, is a perfect, shiny quarter! She picks it up, wipes it on her dress, and gives it to him. Mister Kentucky takes the quarter and puts it into the change machine on his belt. He pops out a nickel and gives it to her. It’s like a present.
“Thank you, darling,” he says.
“Tha
nk you, mister,” she says.
“Anyone else?” he asks. No one says yes. No one says no. So he smiles and closes up the drawers, shuts the back doors, and gets into the van. He drives away slowly, waves at us one time, and then goes faster down the road. We stand around Olga.
“Where’d you get that money?” asks Cesar.
“My papi gave me two quarters for my domingo cuz I helped out in the house.”
“They PAY YOU to help in the house?” asks Sylvie. She’s really surprised that Olga got paid. I can’t believe it either.
“Liar!” says Sylvie. “Nobody gets paid to help around the house.”
“Believe it or don’t. I got paid,” says Olga. She looks really happy.
“Hey, Olga,” says Tiny. “What you gonna do with that extra donut?”
“It’s not an extra donut, bonehead!” says Cesar. “You know what she’s gonna do? She’s gonna scarf those donuts up. Both of them.” His voice sounds like something that got dropped and then broke.
“I’m just asking, that’s all,” says Tiny. I think she wants to cry. I don’t blame her.
“You guys want some donut?” says Olga.
“Reeeeeally?” I ask.
“Yeah,” she says. She’s gonna share the fancy donuts! I can hardly believe it.
“Heck yeah, I want some!” says Cesar.
“You can have some,” she says. “But you have to do what I say, and you can’t taste the chocolate one.”
“Well what do we have to do?” asks Sylvie.
“First, you cochinos have to wash your dirty hands and your faces and fix your hair, like on Sunday.”
“What for?” asks Sylvie.
“I don’t have to tell you what for. If you want donut, you have to do it,” Olga says. So we go into the big shower room where everybody goes to clean up after work. There are two big sinks and three showers. We use the big brown brick of Lirio soap to wash our faces. I wet my hair and push the wild curls down with my hands. I dry my hands on my pants like Cesar, and we all walk back out.
“Now you have to get in a line on your knees,” says Olga.
“This is STOOPID!” shouts Cesar.
“If you don’t like it, go away, Cesar. But if you want donut, do what I say!” Dang. Olga’s brave like Cesar. Cesar thinks for a moment, and he gets on his knees. One by one, we all do the same and get in line. Olga goes to the first person. It’s Sylvie. She cuts off a little piece of donut between two fingers, holds it next to Sylvie’s mouth, and says, “Body of Christ.”
Sylvie says, “Amen.”
“STOP!” says Cesar. “Everybody knows girls can’t be no priests, and you can’t pretend to do Holy Communion, man. That’s blasphemy!” Olga don’t care. She puts the little piece of donut on Sylvie’s tongue. Sylvie closes her mouth and she kneels there, really quiet, with a little smile on her face. Cesar points his finger at Olga’s face and shouts, “I’m not gonna do blasphemy for no donut, pendeja!” Cesar looks at me and says, “C’mon, Gordo. Let’s get outta here.” He walks away and in a few steps he looks back and sees me on my knees.
“Are you coming with me, Gordo?” he asks me.
“I will. As soon as I get some donut.” Cesar looks at me, and I think I’m in trouble.
“You know what, man?” says Cesar. “If you stay here, you can’t hang around with me no more.”
Oh man. This is serious. I want to follow him around 50 percent, but I want donut like 90 percent, so I stay. Cesar nods his head and walks away, kicking up dirt at us, like a cat burying poop.
Olga goes down the line and gives everyone some Jesus donut. I am the second to the last, and I watch while she gives everybody Communion, they go mmm, and the donut gets smaller and smaller. The little rocks I’m kneeling on hurt my knees. I keep thinking that I should have put myself first in line, then I wouldn’t have to be kneeling in the dirt, afraid the donut will finish before it gets to me. But lucky for me, when she finally gets to me, there’s a lot of donut left. She cuts off a little piece, looks at me, and says, “Body of Christ.”
“Amen,” I say, and I open my mouth. She puts the piece of donut on my tongue. I close my mouth. I close my eyes. Mmm.
* * *
This is the way Jesus should taste.
* * *
Yeah, it should be like this in church. When you have the Body of Christ on your tongue, it should taste like a sweet donut cloud that gets tinier and tinier in your mouth, and then it disappears, and you know he’s good.
The last piece of donut is almost half the donut. Way bigger than what we got. Olga pushes the whole thing into her mouth and eats it all herself. She chews and chews like a little cow, then she finishes. She wipes her hands on her dress, then opens them up like two wings and says, “You may go in peace, this mass is over.”
She walks away, swinging her pink-and-white bag. We get up and clean our knees. Olga gets to her house and pulls open the screen door with the rips so big a billy goat could walk through, then she goes inside. Soon as she disappears, everyone starts talking at the same time about Olga and the Jesus donut.
“That was good.”
“That was loco.”
“Yeah, she’s crazy.”
“She’s nice. She gave me donut, so I don’t care what she did.”
“That really was blasphemy. People shouldn’t do blasphemy. It’s bad.”
“We should have beat her up, then took the donut. It’s only right.”
“What a little pig. She ate half of it herself.”
“She made us get in the dirt and wash our faces for one little tiny crumb.”
“Nobody forced you, so stop complaining. Besides, it was dee-licious!”
Everybody thinks something different, but the more I think about it, the more I hate Olga and her donut. The way she pretended she was a priest. Cesar was right. Girls can’t be priests anyways, so no way can she do a Communion. Just then, Olga comes back out of her house like she forgot something. When she gets close enough to hear, we stop talking about her.
“Church will be tomorrow at twelve in the afternoon in my kitchen,” says Olga.
“You’re gonna let us have the chocolate donut?” asks Tiny.
“Yup. Body of Christ at twelve o’clock,” she says.
“Right on, sister!” says Sylvie. Olga has a big smile on her face, like she’s a big deal. I guess she is. She goes back into her house and right before she closes the door, she says, “See you at twelve o’clock. Don’t be late. Later, alligator.”
That night when I go to sleep, I don’t really go to sleep. I go to worry. I keep thinking about that chocolate donut. If the glazed donut tasted like Jesus, what does the chocolate donut taste like? If the chocolate donut is even better, but it’s smaller than the glazed donut, it’s not fair that we can only have a tiny taste, and then we have to watch her eating with so much donut in her trap she can’t even close it. Maybe I should have walked away from the blasphemy like Cesar did. Now I’m suffering, so maybe I’m getting punished for pretending the donut was the Body of the Lord God Jesus Christ. I don’t know. I only know I want to have some more donut, no matter what.
The next morning, me and Sylvie get up, make our bunks, and have breakfast with Ma and Pa. After we eat, I help my pa wash the car, vacuum the car, then wax the car. I hate waxing. He gets so mad. “Do it harder! Do it faster! Don’t let the wax dry too much, muchacho. What’s the matter with you?!” Jesus. You want it so perfect, you do it! That’s what I want to say to my pa, but I don’t want to get smacked on the head, so I keep on waxing. When I grow up and get my own car, I’m never gonna wax no matter what. At 11:38, we finish. Pa says go wash up for lunch. I say okay, but instead I go and wait in front of Olga’s house for church. Sylvie and Tiny arrive. Their faces are washed and their hair is all shiny. Then Olga comes out.
“You can enter the house of the Lord now, brothers and sisters,” she says. We open the door and go into the kitchen.
“Please kneel,” Olga says. We get
on our knees like before.
“For what we are about to receive,” she says.
“Let us be truly thankful,” we say. She goes to the cupboard where she hid the donut. She moves a little sack of flour and a can of Café Combate. She pulls out a little plate with the donut. She looks down at it. “Oh no!” she says real soft. Then she shouts, “OH NO!”
The donut is covered with black ants! Millions of them. There’s so many that the donut looks like it’s wearing a black sweater. We all say, “Ewwwww!” and “Gross, man!” And the ants crawl off the plate and up her hand. Olga tries to squish them, but there are too many. She takes the donut to the sink and hits it against the side to knock the ants off, but they keep crawling up her hand. Then we really get laughing and making all kinds of fun of her.
“Ha ha! You shoulda shared the donut when you had a chance, bonehead!”
“Yeah, Olga, you can take your ant-flavored donut and stick it up your butt!”
“We told you it was blasphemy. Now look what happened!”
She turns on the water and puts the donut under it and tries to clean it, but instead it breaks into pieces with wet, drowned ants all over it like sprinkles!
“You can’t wash a donut, retard!” I say, and everybody’s laughing. Olga starts to cry. The more she cries, the more we laugh, till finally she shouts, “Get out!” And she grabs a broom and swings it like a mom and smacks me in the shoulder, but I don’t care, cuz I’m laughing so good. We run outta the house like rabbits, and we can’t stop laughing because Olga’s mass is finished, and now we can laugh to the sky, because laughing about the broken, wet donut with the ant sweater is even better than eating it!
El Gordo
It’s Sunday morning. We went to morning Mass at the mission in San Juan Bautista, like always. My ma and Sylvie are visiting my nana next door, like always. Pa is at the Big Red Barn Flea Market, like always. I’m home alone in my bunk, lying on my stomach, eating Fritos, and reading, like always. Encyclopedia Brown Saves the Day is so cool. I would definitely be friends with Encyclopedia Brown if I went to his school. I hear the station wagon park in the spot right next to my window. Pa is home from the flea market. I hear him open the front door, call my name, and stomp across the kitchen right into me and Sylvie’s little bedroom. Right away, I can smell beer, but not too much.
