“No one needed to know.” His throat felt tight as his head started to pound and he was trapped. He could feel his control slipping.
“No one needed to know?” Mirabelle screeched. “How can you say that, Alastair? We’re your family! You were in pain and you didn’t tell anyone!” Alastair shook his head to keep his vision from blurring and started to pace. He had to move or else the pressure would build. He pointed at Mirabelle.
“Do not yell at me.” He swiveled his neck, trying to diffuse some of the tension. She snorted defiantly and he narrowed his eyes. “Has it ever occurred to you that everyone already thinks I’m abnormal and that perhaps I don’t always enjoy being viewed as some sort of freak?” Mirabelle gasped and her eyes became wild.
“Do not ever call yourself that!” She screamed and he squeezed his eyes shut. Alastair’s head exploded with pain and light flashed. He covered his ears and grit his teeth to stop the roar that tried to burst from his throat. When he opened his eyes Mirabelle and Lucien’s expressions were a blend of shock, concern and sadness. He felt dizzy and his skin burned.
“No, do not pity me! This is exactly what I didn’t want. I don’t need everyone looking at me like I’m strange and pathetic, Mirabelle.” He kept his voice low as he tried to force his anger down. Mirabelle frowned and stepped toward him. He held his hand up in warning.
“Of all the things to keep secret, Alastair! And from me! Do you know how much it hurts that you didn’t trust me?” She looked hurt and it was like he’d been punched in the stomach. He snapped.
“No! You can’t make this about you!” He roared. “I’m broken, Mirabelle!” He clawed at his clothes, they felt like they were rubbing his skin raw. She covered her mouth as she stepped back. He tried to pull the rage back in but his blood felt like it was boiling. “I’ve never cared what anyone thought about me! But the family, I just wanted to be as much like all of you as I could! You don’t get to decide which secrets I keep or judge me for them. They are how I protect myself and how I protect you! And you sure as hell don’t get to act like you don’t have your own, you beat the hell out of Lucien with a bloody riding crop for God’s sake!”
“Alastair.” Giselle’s voice reached through the haze and he felt her hand on his arm. It was as if someone poured cool water over him. He turned to her and he could breathe. She pressed her hands to his chest gently and began straightening his clothes. “It’s alright.” Her voice was soothing and her eyes were large and calm. He wanted to fall into them. Alastair raised his hands to her face as his lips started to lower toward hers. “Not now.” She whispered and smiled softly. He raised his head and stepped back. He looked around the room.
Lucien was standing in front of Mirabelle protectively. Tears streaked down her cheeks but she was watching them with open curiosity. Alastair frowned as he looked at Lucien.
“I would never hurt her.” He whispered. Lucien nodded and stepped to the side.
“I know but I’ve never seen you like that, Alastair. I don’t know that I’ve ever heard you raise your voice before but you we completely unhinged.” Lucien said softly. Mirabelle rushed to Alastair and hesitated for a second before she threw her arms around his chest. He staggered back but wrapped his arms around her.
“I’m sorry!” She whispered. She looked up at him and her eyes were watery. “Am I hurting you?” Alastair shook his head and pressed his lips to her hair.
“No, brat.” He teased and her smile wobbled. “You can hug me whenever you wish.” He promised.
The sound of a throat clearing had everyone turning toward the door. Hendrick tried to appear aloof but it was obvious that he was effected.
“Dinner is ready.” He said softly before he bowed and left the room.
“Poor man, the things we put him through…” Mirabelle sighed. “Do you think there’s a chance that anyone in the house didn’t hear Alastair say that I beat my husband with a riding crop?” She asked casually as she looked around the room. Giselle and Lucien shook their heads in unison.
“Sorry about that.” Alastair grimaced. Mirabelle shrugged and laughed softly.
“I suppose it’s not that bad, as far as secrets go.” She said. Alastair nodded his head.
“That’s pretty bad, I think.” He said softly. At least he thought so.
It started with Giselle. She giggled which caused Lucien to start laughing. Mirabelle slapped her hand over her mouth as she attempted to control herself but she failed and bent at the waist as she gasped for air. Alastair looked at the three of them and his eyes froze when they reached Giselle. His eyes traveled down her body and his heart stopped. He tried to speak but his mouth wouldn’t work. Three pairs of eyes stared at him. He pointed at Giselle as he swallowed past the tightness in his throat.
“What is that!” His voice was hoarse. She looked down at herself and then back at him.
“I believe it’s a dress, Alastair.” She teased. He stepped closer to her and his eyes grew wider as he saw more of her cleavage.
“I know it’s a dress!” He hissed. “But I’m not sure you’re meant to wear that outside of the bedroom, Giselle.” He heard Mirabelle snicker and he turned to her. “You put her up to this, didn't you?” She smiled deviously.
“I thought you’d like it!” Mirabelle giggled. Lucien grabbed her arm and tugged her toward the door.
“Our dinner is going to be cold.” He announced as he towed her from the room. Alastair turned back to Giselle and she looked annoyed. She crossed her arms and the dress shifted and Alastair thought it was going to slide off.
“Oh, God! Be careful!” He gasped as he moved to catch it. Giselle slapped his hands away and stepped back.
“It’s just a dress, for goodness sake! I realize it’s not the sort of thing I can wear in London but I assure you, this is perfectly acceptable in Paris.” She swept past him and he growled when he saw the back. It was more revealing than the front. Alastair caught her before she reached the door. He pulled her against him as he reached past her and swung it shut. He turned her and backed her against the panels.
“The men in Paris are either blind or impotent if they can let their women go about like this without wanting to rip their clothes from them and take them where they stand.” His mouth crashed against hers. His hands gipped her waist before they slid up to her breasts. The silk was so sheer, he could feel her heat through the layers. His thumbs brushed across her nipples and he could feel the puckering through the fabric. “You have to take this off!” He groaned.
“Right now?” Giselle whispered against his mouth as she ran her hand down his stomach toward the aching bulge in his trousers.
“Yes!” He gasped. “Wait. No!” He pushed against the door until his arms were extended and there was space between them. “They’re waiting for us! What am I doing?” He stepped back and shook his head. “What are you trying to do to me? It’s difficult enough as it is to control myself without you dressing like that!” He scolded as he pulled the door opened. Giselle bit her lip and blushed.
“I like when you lose control.” She whispered as she took his arm. He shook his head.
“I don’t think you’re ready for the consequences.” Alastair’s eyes searched hers. “Unless you are, I suggest that you don’t allow Mirabelle to pick your gowns.” Giselle nodded weakly as he led her into the dining room. Lucien and Mirabelle didn't even attempt to act like adults.
“Did you get lost?” Lucien asked as Alastair held Giselle’s chair for her. Mirabelle winked at her husband.
“I’m sure they had something very important to discuss, Lucien.” She looked at Alastair expectantly. Hendrick cleared his throat as he poured his wine. Alastair scowled at Mirabelle.
“We were discussing your appalling lack of manners.” He replied.
“Were you?” Mirabelle pretended surprise. “I was sure you were discussing your very ardent opinions on women’s fashions.” She teased. Alastair refused to dignify that with a response. Instead, he turned the topic in
a more constructive direction.
“How did your assessment of Giselle’s wardrobe go? Will she have enough gowns for our purposes or will she need to order more?” He looked at Giselle. She bit her lip and reached for her wine. He turned to Mirabelle. She grinned as she shook her head.
“Oh, she’ll need quite a few new gowns.” Mirabelle waved her fork at Giselle’s body. Which was entirely unnecessary as Alastair’s eyes couldn't seem to stray from it for more than a few seconds. “Almost all of the one’s she has now are like this, or worse.”
“Worse?” Alastair croaked. “Why would you buy so many gowns you knew you wouldn’t be able wear?” He asked incredulously. Giselle raised her shoulder and he felt himself lean forward as he watched the fabric slide around her cleavage.
“It was too hard to pick just a few and I would have been so sad to leave them behind. And I think I can find a use for them.” Giselle smiled suggestively. Alastair tugged at his cravat as he reached for his glass. Mirabelle giggled.
“She can wear them around the house. I think we’ll be able to have a few of Elise’s dresses altered to fit her until Anna and Alice can make her new gowns.” She smiled as she bit into a roll. Alastair looked at Giselle.
“Around the house?” He shifted in his seat, trying to find a position that made his trousers feel a little less tight. Lucien chuckled and raised his glass.
“Ladies. I can’t remember a meal that I enjoyed more. This is brilliant.” Alastair turned to him.
“I can’t remember you ever being more of an ass.” He replied. Lucien smiled widely.
“I’m sure you could, if you tried.” He laughed.
The rest of the courses passed slowly for Alastair. By the time the last of the plates were removed he was tired and surly. He was about to excuse himself for the night when they entered the sitting room but Charlotte was brought in. He decided if he was going to remain downstairs, he would take his niece. The ladies settled on the chaise and immediately began discussing gowns. He shook his head and turned to leave.
“We’re going to the library.” He announced as strode into the hall.
“I’ll join you.” Lucien said as he followed.
Chapter 36
“Elise has quite a few gowns in this style. I think they would suit you well and you’re close enough in size that Anna and Alice will be able to alter them for you easily.” Mirabelle said as she pointed at an illustration. Giselle nodded in approval.
“You’re certain Elise won’t mind?” She asked as she considered a page with images of shawls and spencers. Mirabelle laughed softly.
“She has more clothing than she could ever hope to wear and she’s so generous. You’ll love her.” She promised as she pointed at a blue riding habit. “This would be fetching on you!” She looked up as Giselle shook her head.
“I won’t ride unless I can wear breeches.” She confided and Mirabelle smiled warmly as she leaned close.
“Neither will I! As soon as I was pregnant Lucien hid mine!” She whispered.
“He didn’t!” Giselle gasped. Mirabelle nodded as she pursed her lips.
“We had such an argument about that.” Her eyes became distant and a soft smile curved her lips. Giselle could tell that Mirabelle’s mind was off somewhere with her husband. The thought of husbands made her tired. She hadn’t been able to let go of their earlier conversation. The idea that Alastair needed her made her doubt her convictions. Could she give him something other than shame and unwanted scrutiny? Could she live with herself if she failed him and walked away? Mostly, she’d been mesmerized by the name. She would be Mrs. Alastair Spencer, Lady Spencer. Just hearing Mirabelle say it made her ache with longing and possessiveness. To have him claim her publicly and promise himself to her was a heady thought. So was the possibility in a new name. Never having to be Giselle St. Claire again seemed like an impossible fantasy. Because it is. She reminded herself. She felt a yawn tug at her throat and she tried to stifle it. Mirabelle blinked and smiled sheepishly.
“Sorry!” She looked at the clock. “Oh, it’s late! You’ve had a long day and I’ve kept you over these pages for too long!” She gathered them and rose. “And it’s been far too quiet in the library.” Mirabelle whispered as Giselle stood and she linked their arms. Giselle looked down and her eyes started to sting. She blinked rapidly before she looked up at Mirabelle.
“I’ve had a lovely day, thank you.” She said softly. Mirabelle nudged her affectionately.
“So did I! Now, let’s see what our men are up to.” She whispered conspiratorially. Giselle was about to argue but she just shook her head and sighed.
“At least we know they’re not drunk. They were so loud yesterday!” Giselle laughed as she recalled the scene in Lucien’s study. Mirabelle chuckled.
“I’d have their hides if they behaved like that with Charlotte.” She vowed as she pushed the library door open. She gasped breathlessly and Giselle peeked around her shoulder.
Giselle couldn’t breathe and her lips started to tremble. She took a few unsteady steps into the room behind Mirabelle before she leaned against the wall for support. Mirabelle placed her hands on her hips and shook her head softly.
“Have you ever seen anything so sweet?” Mirabelle whispered as she looked over her shoulder at Giselle, who managed to smile and nod despite the chaos that was breaking loose within her.
Lucien was stretched on the couch, his head had fallen back and he was snoring softly. Alastair reclined in his usual armchair, his chin was on his chest and his lips rested on Charlotte’s head. She squirmed and yawned. Alastair didn’t wake as his hand gently rubbed her back and she settled, smiling angelically as she drifted back to sleep.
Longing exploded within Giselle and she felt her knees start to shake as her feet pulled her forward. She wanted them to be hers so fiercely that she almost called out when Mirabelle bent over Alastair and carefully lifted Charlotte from him. Her eyes followed Mirabelle as she pulled the baby against her chest and turned to Lucien. She bent down and whispered in his ear. Giselle didn't hear her words but she saw Lucien smile as he raised his hand and cradled her jaw. He opened his eyes and blinked drowsily as he reached for Charlotte.
“Hello, my sweet Charley!” He crooned as he rose from the couch and rocked her.
“We’ll see you in the morning.” Mirabelle whispered as she pushed Lucien toward the door. Giselle made her face smile as they passed. When she looked back at Alastair he was rubbing his face as he stood and stretched.
I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him.
“Oh, no!” She whispered as she backed away. Alastair’s eyes focused on her and she felt the wall at her back. He frowned as he started toward her. She shook her head as she felt panic bloom within her.
“What is it?” He asked softly as he reached for her. Giselle stepped sideways as she pushed his hands away.
A rush of images and words assaulted her. All the times Alastair called her “my love”, the swing, his insistence that he wanted more from her, the way he looked at her when she held Charlotte, the chocolate, when he said her father couldn’t help but fall in love with his mother because they had the same eyes… She had pushed it all away and refused to see it. He loved her.
“I have to go!” Her voice was weak and she felt prickly heat wash over her. Breathe, damn it! She dragged in a ragged breath as she slid along the wall toward the door. “I have to go!” Her voice was a little stronger.
“You said that already. Where are you going?” Alastair asked softly as he moved with her. Giselle breathed again as she looked at the door. She looked back at Alastair and shook her head.
“I can’t stay here. I have to leave Winthorpe.” She reached for the doorframe as Alastair’s brows pulled together.
“Relax.” He raised his hands to try and calm her. “We can go anywhere you like.” He said soothingly. Giselle felt her eyes grow wide as panic clawed at her throat. She shook her head wildly as she felt the doorframe against her back.
“No! I have to get away from you!” She cried as she turned and fled from the room.
Chapter 37
Alastair followed Giselle out of the library and watched as she picked up her skirts and ran up the steps. He took the stairs two at a time and waited until she turned into the hallway before he strode quickly after her. He reached for her and she cried out as his hand closed around her arm. She tried to pull away as he turned her and slid his arms around her waist. He lifted her and held her against his chest. Giselle pushed and twisted as she arched away from him.
“You have to let me go! I don’t want to hurt you!” She begged. He shook his head as he moved toward his room.
“You won’t hurt me.” He said softly as he reached behind him and turned the handle. He kicked the door wide and backed into the room. Alastair set Giselle on her feet and pushed the door closed. He saw her eyes flick to the door and she looked ready to run at it as soon as he stepped away. He raised his brow and reached for the key. He turned it in the lock and removed it. Her eyes flared before they returned to his.
Alastair kept his eyes on hers as he reached up and placed the key on top of the door frame, well out of her reach. He wasn’t sure if he could truly stop her from escaping. His best bet was to do what he could to slow her down if she tried. Giselle scowled and began to back away from him. He kept his lips straight as she bumped into the bed. She jumped and took a step forward.
“Why do you have to get away from me?” He asked softly. Her eyes went to the balcony doors. Alastair shook his head. “They’re locked.” He lied. Giselle narrowed her eyes and he prayed that she didn’t doubt him enough to test them. “Why do you have to get away from me, Giselle?” He repeated. She looked frantic and started to pace. He crossed his arms and waited. She moaned in frustration and turned to him.
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