by Nicola Haken
“Okay.”
I followed Trudy into the kitchen and perched myself on a barstool beside the glossy white breakfast bar.
“Coffee?” she asked irrelevantly.
“Cut the crap, Trudy. What’s this about?”
Trudy reached up and placed the two coffee cups she was holding back inside the cupboard beside the black range cooker, before joining me at the bar.
“How was Maddie last night?”
Shit.
“I don’t know what you mean,” I lied, studying her eyes for a deeper meaning behind her question.
“Please be honest with me, Blaine. I won’t tell your father. I promise.”
The way she tried to assured me this was between me and her made me wonder if she knew about the things my dad did to me. And whether she did or she didn’t, why did she suddenly sound like she gave a crap? I wished she’d just fuck off back to her tanning booth or wherever she’d crawled from.
“She was fine,” I deadpanned, still watching her curiously, trying to figure out her ulterior motives.
“You said some things yesterday, about Annie, about Maddie having difficulties growing up?” It was a statement that sounded more like a question. I wasn’t sure what she wanted me to say.
“Yeah?”
“Has she had a bad life, Blaine?” she asked solemnly as she swept her honey-blonde hair from her face. I could hear such… pain… in her voice. I didn’t understand.
“No, I don’t think so. At least, I don’t think she thinks so. She doesn’t know any other way I guess.”
Dubious of Trudy’s motives and wary of whether she would relay this conversation back to my dad, I’d planned to remain nonchalant and uninformative. I soon discovered being detached when talking about Maddie was an impossibility however, and soon enough Trudy had me eating out of the palm of her hand.
I ended up relaying everything Maddie had ever told me about her mom and about the morning I found Maddie trying to calm her down after being up digging in the dirt half the night. Oh and I mentioned the day Lori walked in on her ‘working’ and all the shit Maddie got at school because of it.
Basically, I betrayed every single thing Maddie had ever confided in me. I was a stupid fucking idiot.
“I shouldn’t have told you any of this. She trusts me, Trudy. I’ve let her down.” How the hell did Trudy suddenly become my shoulder to cry on? I hated the damn woman! Didn’t I?
“I won’t say anything, Blaine. You have my word. Thank you for trusting me.” Is that what I was doing? Did I trust her? All I knew was that I was seriously confused by the whole encounter, and that I’d divulged secrets that weren’t mine to tell.
“Um, no problem?” Was that what I was expected to say? Should I have thanked her? Said ‘you’re welcome’? Suddenly it felt like an exam again. And for some reason, I was almost sure I’d failed.
Trudy stuck to her word when my dad woke up by saying she’d adjusted his alarm because he works too hard and needed a rest. She then went on to say I’d worked extra hard in the gym this morning – even going as far as mentioning how impressed she was by the size of the weights she saw me lifting. To clarify – I didn’t step foot in the gym this morning.
I could have easily been consumed obsessing over Trudy’s sudden and unfathomable concerns for Maddie – and me for that matter - but when my cell vibrated in my pocket and I fished it out, Trudy was abruptly shoved straight to the back of my mind.
Will b at school early. Meet me there? 8 o’clock in the car park? I miss u xxx
What a ridiculous question. I didn’t even have to think about it.
I’ll be there at ten-to :-)
I’d hit send before I even noticed the smiley face. Instinctively I tucked my hands down into my pants. Yep, still got a cock.
I pulled into the school parking lot at 7:30 am, wanting to make absolutely sure I was there before Maddie so I didn’t miss a single minute with her. Two smokes and twenty minutes later Lori’s car pulled up beside me. I hopped out immediately before she’d even killed the engine.
Maddie got out first and practically pole-vaulted into my open arms. The ache I didn’t realise had been weighing down my heart disappeared instantaneously as I inhaled the scent of her hair. I opened my mouth to say ‘good morning’ but then her lips slammed into mine, rendering me speechless… and breathless.
“I’ve missed you too, lish,” I said with a jaw-aching smile as she pulled away.
“Jeez, get a room already!” Lori chuckled as she made her way over to us. She was wearing sweatpants and a vest so I assumed she was here early for dance practice or some other kind of girly exercise. “I’ll catch you later, Maddie… Blaine,” she muttered knowingly, winking in my direction.
I knew straight away Maddie had filled her in about our night together. Why did girls do that? I offered a half-smile back when I started to wonder exactly which parts of the night Maddie had confessed to her. Did she tell her about my back? About my dad? No. She wouldn’t. I could trust Maddie.
Shame the same couldn’t be said for me.
“Are you sore?” I asked Maddie tenderly, skimming my thumb along her cheek which blushed beneath my touch.
“Blaine!” she scolded, glancing behind her to make sure no one was listening.
“What?” I was worried about her. What was wrong with that? She rolled her gorgeous brown eyes at me. “So? Are you?” Her blush deepened and she dropped her head slightly as if she was too embarrassed to look at me.
“A little,” she shrugged. “But it’s worth it.” She looked up at me with a suggestive grin which made my pants feel painfully restrictive.
“Maybe I can remind you just how worth it after school?” I whispered into her ear. God she was so fucking beautiful I could’ve taken her right there in the middle of the lot. She smiled wickedly at me and then leaned in for a kiss – a reminder of last night and a taster of the one to come.
I’d been in such a hurry to see Maddie this morning I left my football gear behind. After texting Maddie to let her know I’d have to miss lunch I nipped home to get it. When I reached the porch I could hear raised voices escaping from the open window in the main living room. Worried it might be my dad pulling Trudy up on this morning I almost turned around to leave but then realising I couldn’t afford to miss practice again I decided to try and sneak in slowly, quietly and grab my stuff first.
After twisting my key in the lock I eased the front door open cautiously, leaving it ajar whilst I headed to the stairs. I’d barely reached them when I heard a familiar female voice – Maddie’s mom.
“I did the best I could!” Annie blared.
“Well it wasn’t enough! You swore to me, Annie. You promised you’d take care of her! She deserves the best and I’m going to give it to her!” Trudy snapped back fiercely. A faint voice in the back of my mind told me I should leave but I told it to fuck off. What the hell was going on?
“Bullshit! You gave up your rights to her the minute you swanned off to the states. You didn’t give a shit about her then, did you? The smell of money meant more to you… it always did!”
Wait… were they talking about Maddie? No… they couldn’t be. That was a ridiculous idea. I kept listening.
“That’s not true and you know it. I was a fucking mess, Annie! I had nothing. I could provide her with nothing. Hell, I was too fucking high to know what day it was, how was I supposed to bring up a daughter?”
“Listen to yourself god dammit! I was in the same boat as you. You might have it all now, but once upon a time we were exactly the same you and me. The only difference being, I didn’t give up on that little girl. Your little girl! I had nothing either but I did the best I fucking could. I loved her. I still love her. Maddie is my daughter now and you’re not taking her away from me!”
Holy motherfucking hell… No way… No fucking way…
The revelation physically winded me and I stumbled back a step, knocking into the round glass table by the stairs and sendi
ng one of Trudy’s prized porcelain vases flying.
“Shit!” I uttered under my breath when it landed on the marble floor with an almighty crash, shattering into a thousand pieces.
“Mitch?” Trudy exclaimed. Moments later she was in the hallway with me, her face void of colour.
“It’s me,” I said trying to sound nonchalant… innocent.
“How long have you been there?” she asked solemnly.
“Just walked through the door,” I lied. “I forgot my kit. I was in a hurry and I ran into the table. Sorry, I’ll get it cleaned up right away.” I thought a little sucking up would bode well at this point.
“Don’t worry, I’ll do it,” she said, relieved. Then she mopped her brow with her flattened palm. She was flushed now, nervous… guilty. “I don’t want you to be late for school. Go get your things and head back.”
I nodded once and leapt up the stairs two at a time before I landed myself in it by yelling in her face. How could she abandon Maddie? My head was fucked. What was I supposed to do now? Pretend I’d never overheard? Tell Maddie? Betray her trust yet again by not saying anything?
Maybe I’d misunderstood. I nodded fervently to myself at that idea. Yes. I’d got it wrong. I must have. There’s no way Trudy could be Maddie’s mother. I might not particularly like her but she would never abandon her then only daughter – leave her with nothing. Leave her with someone so unstable they’d be hard pressed to obtain a licence to keep a goldfish let alone a child.
Yes, I’d definitely misunderstood.
I hastily grabbed my kit from my room and headed straight back to school. The bell was echoing through the halls when I arrived, signalling the start of afternoon classes, so I threw my kitbag over my shoulder and ran for my fucking life towards the stadium. When I got there the rest of my team were warming up, running up and down the bleachers. Coach flashed me an icy stare which chilled my veins as I prayed my lateness wouldn’t get back to my dad and then I hurried into the locker rooms to get changed.
Practice passed quickly as I wholly immersed myself in the game. It was a welcome distraction that ended all too soon. I had decided Trudy was most definitely not Maddie’s mom so why the hell couldn’t I stop thinking about it? More importantly, why was I so nervous about seeing Maddie?
“I saw Lori crying before, man. Maybe you should tell Dora or somethin’? I mean, I asked if she was okay but I’m no good with all that girly shit,” Jason said, entering the locker room in just a towel after his post-practice shower. As usual, I was waiting for everyone to leave before I had mine. I often wondered why Jason never questioned that.
“What did she say to you?” I asked curiously.
“She just shrugged and then ran into the girls bathroom. She looked to be running away from Sky, who as usual had a smug fucking grin on her face. I swear just looking at that bitch makes my dick want to shrivel up and die.”
I rolled my eyes at him – although I wholeheartedly agreed.
“Well I’m meeting Maddie in a few – I’ll pass on what you saw.”
Jason nodded and strolled over to his locker to get changed. He hollered a ‘laters, man’ at me when he was done and I decided to text Maddie while I patiently waited for the showers to clear.
Hey, lish. Missed u today. Jase said Lori was upset B4. Thought u might wanna check on her? I’ll be at my car in 20. Don’t be late! B. xxx
I debated with myself over the kisses for a good few seconds before deciding to embrace my newfound womanliness. Maddie replied almost instantly.
She’s been acting off all week. I’ll go find her now. Miss u more :-)
Great. Maddie was an actual woman and she didn’t put kisses. I rolled my eyes at myself. It just wasn’t normal to be obsessing over fucking ‘text kisses’. It was official – I was either turning into a woman, or a raging homosexual.
Eventually the locker room emptied and I grabbed a quick shower before heading to my car to meet Maddie. I planned to spend most of the night with her again and any concerns about that happening without my dad finding out had faded. I was certain Trudy would back me up again – especially now she had a secret of her own she needed my help to keep.
Wait… I’d forgotten that I’d misunderstood. There was no secret. I literally shook the thought away when I saw Maddie approach my car. The secret that didn’t exist would ruin her life – how could I even think of using it as a pawn to get my own way?
She ran over to me wearing the cute yellow sundress I very first saw her in, dropped her backpack to the asphalt beside her and greeted me with a deep, lingering kiss. Man, she tasted good – of that sweetness that I could never quite place.
“I’m going to have to take a rain check on tonight,” she said desolately, lowering her feathery black eyelashes. “Lori needs me.”
I need you.
“Why? She break a fingernail or something?” I didn’t want to come across as the pathetic, possessive boyfriend but I couldn’t seem to keep the offence I felt seeping into my voice. She smacked my shoulder hard – I barely felt it.
“I’m really worried about her, Blaine. She’s just… not right. Something’s bothering her and I’d bet my granny it has something to do with Sky pushing her around all the time.”
“Well how long will you be? I could come over when you’re finished with her?” Christ, I sounded desperate. Probably because I was.
“I don’t know. I guess that depends on whether she actually tells me what the hell is going on with her. It could be late.” I was getting irritated. Did she not want to see me? She still hadn’t pressed me for an explanation behind my scars – was that why she was avoiding me? Did I make her uncomfortable?
“I don’t have a bedtime anymore, lish. Is this about last night?” I asked, sounding utterly pitiful.
“Of course not!” she insisted. “You’re right though, we do need to talk. And we will, I promise. Lori’s coming over to mine after school – I’ll call you when she’s gone.”
That was exactly what I wanted to hear, so why did I feel like such a jackass? I was being a jerk that’s why. Maddie’s life revolved around taking care of other people – everyone except herself, and now I was adding to it. How thin could she spread herself before she cracked? I was a selfish asshole.
“I’m sorry, lish. I’m being selfish. We can catch up tomorrow.” I was doing the right thing giving her one less person’s problems to fix tonight, yet all I could think about was how shit I’d feel if she agreed.
“No you’re not. There’s enough of me to go round,” she teased with a cheeky wink before planting a soft, chaste kiss on my lips and twisting her fingers into my hair. “I’ll call you,” she said with a stern look that said get-the-hell-over-yourself-and-come-when-you’re-damn-well-told-to. She was all firm and masterful – I was more than happy to be her submissive.
“I guess I’ll see you later then.” With that I pulled her in for a goodbye kiss, leaning her body against my car so I could trail my fingers underneath her dress and give her a taster of what I had in store for her later. I stopped when my pants got so tight and uncomfortable I literally started to squirm.
“Definitely,” she breathed when I reluctantly released her.
The house was empty when I got home. It was Clarabella’s day off, my dad would still have been at work, Kara mentioned something about a sleepover at a friend’s and Trudy was probably off being tanned or waxed or whatever else it is women with no job and too much money do. My plan was to order in a pizza, maybe grab a beer and re-watch a couple of DVD’s whilst I waited for Maddie to call. Therefore I was surprised when I found myself in my father’s office, rifling through his drawers.
I wasn’t sure what I was looking for, but I stopped whenever I came across anything with Trudy’s name on it. I glanced over her passport, various bills, numerous contracts… nothing. I was just about to give up when I stumbled upon a file entitled ‘Certificates’.
My birth certificate slid out first, followed by Kara’s. Then
my mother’s death certificate (which made my heart ache a little) and then… Fuck.
My dad and Trudy’s marriage certificate… Trudy’s former last name – Davis.
“Blaine?” I almost choked to death on my own heart at the sound of my name. “What are you doing in here?” Trudy asked.
“I, um, was just…” Fuck it, I decided. I was going to come right out and ask her. “Are you Maddie’s mom?”
I stood impatiently waiting for the inevitable tirade of bullshit to come flowing out of Trudy’s mouth. But she didn’t even flinch – didn’t even look surprised by what I’d said.
“Yes,” she confirmed. My jaw dropped open, practically smacking into my sneakers. I was… dumbfounded. I’d expected her to at least attempt to lie.
“Why, Trudy? How could you leave your own fucking daughter?”
“What do you want me to say, Blaine? That it was because I loved her? I thought I was doing the best by her? The truth is I left her because I was a selfish bitch. Your father offered me the world and I took it because I was sick of having nothing, being nothing… being stuck with a mistake I had no clue how to raise!”
I glowered at Trudy, both repulsed and impressed by her honesty.
“It wasn’t until I had Kara I regretted my decision. By the time your sister was born I was clean, I was stable… I had everything to offer a child. I could finally focus on being a mother without having to worry about where my next fix would come from, my next ‘job’ would come from, or whether I’d be able to afford a can of baby food that week.
“The moment I first looked into Kara’s eyes I knew exactly what her future held. I knew the kind of life I wanted for her and I knew I was in a position to make it happen. However, every time I’ve looked into Kara’s eyes since that day I’ve felt nothing but guilt – the pain of which is excruciating.”
“So why didn’t you go back for her?” The question seemed so obvious it verged on ridiculous. A lone tear trickled miserably down Trudy’s cheek and she quickly wiped it away with the back of her hand.
