by Nicola Haken
Yep. I was definitely missing something.
“You better! Y’all have a good night,” Michelle replied. Her accent was adorable.
“Since when did you and Michelle become such good friends?” I pressed as we simultaneously slid into Lori’s car. She sighed. She actually sighed. Oh shit. Lori was in love.
“I really like her, Maddie,” she admitted nervously.
“No shit. You were practically sizzling back there.”
“Oh my god was I making an ass of myself?”
“Course not,” I assured her. “No more than Michelle was anyway. She’s so into you too.”
“You really think so?” Just as I thought she was about to start the car she released the wheel and shifted in her seat to face me. “I thought maybe she was like that with everyone.”
“Don’t get me wrong she’s really friendly with everyone, maybe even flirty… but I’m telling you now if anyone stared at my tits as much as she stared at yours tonight they’d be getting a slap.”
“Maddie!” she mock-scolded and then let out a frustrated growl type noise. “Oh, I don’t know. It just feels… scary as hell. I don’t know what to do.”
“You don’t need to do anything. Just spend time together – the rest will just… happen.”
Unexpectedly a light bulb sprang to life in my head.
“Has Michelle got anything to do with the fact Sky’s stopped being such a bitch to you?” Lori bit her lip. It was as if she was recalling some wonderful memory.
“Kind of. Remember that day in the cafeteria when she had Sky in a headlock?”
“Are you kidding? That was one of the best sights of my life!”
“Yeah, well, as you know Michelle is totally loud and proud about her… sexuality…” Lori whispered the word like it was dirty. She was obviously still uncomfortable with the idea. “Well, Sky made the mistake of offering Michelle some of her famous ‘advice’.”
“What like the ‘be my slave and I’ll keep your secret’ kind of advice?” Lori giggled again.
“Yeah. Only Michelle hasn’t got a secret of course. She doesn’t care who knows. And well… as you saw, she has a very effective way of making her feelings known. I really admire her,” she said with a sigh.
“You’ll get there, Lori,” I said because I couldn’t think of anything else. Lori didn’t see herself as brave but I could see the bravest step of her life was fast approaching. Even though they didn’t know each other too well (yet) Michelle had sparked a huge change in Lori.
“Maybe,” she sighed again, shrugging. “Anyway, even though their little ‘run in’ wasn’t directly about me, I think it shit Sky up enough to rethink some of her behaviour.” I nodded and I realised I hadn’t thought about Blaine for at least five minutes. I felt both happy and guilty about that.
“So you really haven’t heard from him?” She didn’t need to say his name for me to know who she was referring to.
“Not a thing. I’m so worried about him.” Jesus Christ I was seconds away from crying. Again.
“Well I’m sorry, Maddie, but he’s being a total prick. I understand he’s got real bad shit going down at home but the way he’s treating you… it’s just not on.”
Tears stung the back of my eyes so I closed them to stop them escaping.
“Can we go now?” I asked sorrowfully. My heart felt as heavy as a lump of lead. It made me feel physically sick as it slowly sank down into my stomach.
“Sure,” Lori said with a sympathetic smile. Then she patted my knee reassuringly and drove me home.
After waving her off I threw my bag down on the sofa and peered into my mum’s room. She was sound asleep so I went to my bedroom and crawled into bed fully clothed. Then I buried my head in a pillow and cried myself into a restless sleep.
Chapter Thirteen
Maddie
I was getting used to the swollen-eyes feeling. It had been a week since Blaine may or may not have broken up with me. I still wasn’t entirely sure seeing as he refused to speak to me. I became so desperate I even called Treacle for advice. I thought maybe since she and Blaine had some kind of weird bond thing going on these days she might know what the hell was going on, or at least tell me he was okay.
I ended up hanging up on her when she spouted some shit about him being a teenage boy and that’s just what teenage boys did. That wasn’t Blaine though. Not anymore.
School was… difficult. I saw Blaine everyday – mainly the back of his head seeing as he tended to turn in the other direction whenever he laid eyes on me. Part of me wishes I’d just catch him screwing some girl in the back of his car. It would be so much easier to hate him that way. What I’m feeling at the minute, this worry, this gut wrenching worry… it breaks my heart.
But I never saw him with anyone. Not even Jason. He was always alone… lost. I wondered why he even bothered still coming to school. Part of me wished he’d stop. It would be easier if I didn’t have to see him, surely? He looked older every day. His designer stubble gradually turning into a full on beard – the type I’d only ever seen on guys twice his age. His eyes were sunken, his skin greying. He looked utterly broken and I ached to fix him.
Another week went by when I decided to call Jason. I would never be able to give up on Blaine as such – if he ever needed me I would be there like a shot. But I couldn’t carry on how I was. Calling him several times a day. Leaving him messages and texts or trying to approach him at school just for him to turn his back on me. Crying myself to sleep every night… crying myself awake every morning.
I needed to accept things for what they were. Blaine didn’t want me, and I might never know why.
I was greeted by Jason’s voicemail.
“Hey, it’s Jase. I’m ignoring someone right now… if I don’t call you back, it’s probably you.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat, not knowing what the hell I was planning to say.
“Hi, it’s, um, Maddie. I-I… well, I… ah fuck I don’t even know why I’m calling. I guess I just wanted to ask you to, you know, keep an eye on Blaine? But now I’ve said that I realise how ridiculous it sounds. You’re his best friend – course you’re looking out for him. I suppose I just don’t like to think of him being alone. I get he doesn’t need me anymore, I just want to make sure he’s got… someone. Right well I’m gonna go before I make an even bigger arse of myself. Sorry for bothering you. Catch you later.”
I regretted making the call the second I hung up. If Blaine had just got bored and moved on, if we had just experienced some everyday high school breakup, then I’d just made a complete desperate dickhead of myself. I knew that wasn’t the case though. I just knew. Something had happened to him. Something bad. If it hadn’t then it meant I didn’t really know Blaine at all, even though not so long ago I was sure I knew him better than anybody.
I could feel tears welling behind my eyes as I thought about him. Immediately I stood up and busied myself with the ever-growing pile of washing at the foot of my bed to distract myself. I was starting afresh today. I would not cry again. I couldn’t.
Besides, I had to get rid of these bog-eyes before my birthday party tomorrow.
Shit.
Blaine
I feel numb. Fuck, who am I kidding, I wish to god I could feel numb. I wish I couldn’t feel. I wish I couldn’t think. I wish… hell I wish I was dead.
Maddie hadn’t tried to call for over twenty-four hours. She’d finally given up. Or at least I hoped she had, for her sake. I hoped nothing was wrong, that she was okay. I shook that thought away immediately. It wasn’t my place to worry about her anymore. She wasn’t mine. I’d yet to officially tell her that of course. I planned to, every minute of every day but I couldn’t bring myself to actually do it. If I said the words there’d be no going back. I’d have lost her. Forever.
Then again I’d already lost her. I’d pushed her away. That was the right thing to do though. I had to stop myself hoping it was a temporary thing. It wasn’t. I couldn’t b
e with her. If she knew why… No. She could never know why. I couldn’t bear the thought of her knowing how weak I was… what I’d let him do. I was worthless, pathetic… she deserved better.
I was pretty sure enough time had passed where I wouldn’t actually need to tell her anything – break up with her officially. She’d stopped calling – she’d got the message. She probably hated me by now. And despite the heavy feeling in my chest that thought gave me, it was a good thing. It would be easier for her to move on if she hated me. I found myself hoping she wouldn’t move on though. Selfish bastard. What the hell did I want then? To see her lonely and miserable while she pined for me?
Yes. That’s exactly what I wanted to see.
When I got to school I hung around between the oak trees guarding the art building until I saw Lori’s car pull up. I did this everyday just to make sure Maddie got to school okay and to see if her big brown eyes had lost their puffiness. I knew I shouldn’t do it, didn’t have the right. I needed to stop it. And I will… maybe.
Lori stepped out of the Mini and then… clicked the doors locked? Maddie wasn’t with her. My hand automatically made its way to my chest when my heart started hammering against it as if it were trying to escape. Where was she? Had something happened? Was she hurt? Was her mom sick again?
“I need to talk to you, man,” Jason said, sneaking up behind me and startling the shit out of me.
“Fuck, dude, I think I just prolapsed.” It took me a couple of seconds to get my breath back. “Don’t creep up on me like that!”
“I didn’t creep anywhere. Maybe if you weren’t so fixated on Dora’s arrival you’d have heard me coming.”
“Get fucked.”
“What the hell’s going on, man? Why don’t you just talk to her?”
“I’ve nothing to say.”
“Bullshit! Look at you… you’ve had a face that looks like you walked in on your grandpa ass-fuckin’ your puppy for two weeks now. What gives, man? What the hell has she done?”
“She’s done nothing!” I snapped, fighting against the urge to punch his fucking lights out. “It’s me, okay? I… oh just fuck off, Jase. It’s none of your god damn business.”
“Shit, man… you cheated on her didn’t you?”
I seriously thought about saying yes. If Maddie got wind of that, she would definitely hate me enough to move on. But then I pictured her face when she heard the gossip and…
“No. Of course I didn’t cheat on her you stupid dick. I fucking love her!”
Shit. The words slid past my lips without permission.
“Then what the hell? I don’t get it, man. What are you not telling me?”
“I really need you to fuck off right now, bro.” As I said it my hands were balling into fists. I needed to hit something… anything. I didn’t want it to be Jason’s face but if he didn’t shut the fuck up…
“She called me this morning.”
My heart literally stopped beating.
“What! Why? Is she okay? What did you say to her?” I knew it. Something bad had happened. Why else would she call Jason? They hardly knew each other.
“Of course she’s not okay, man. She’s fucking broken. She got my mailbox so I didn’t actually talk to her, but she’s worried about you. I don’t know what the hell is going down with you but she asked me to keep an eye on you. Said she didn’t want you to be alone.”
No, no, no. She wasn’t supposed to worry. Not about me. Why the hell didn’t she hate me? I’ve treated her like shit!
“You gonna call her back?” I asked.
“Hell no! I ain’t got the faintest idea how to deal with emotional chicks. Besides, it’s you she needs. And I’ll be damned if you don’t need her too. You need to sort your shit out, man. Either talk to her and sort whatever crap you’ve got going on out or move the fuck on. I’m sure Keeya would be happy to help you out with that.”
“I’m not interested in Keeya for fuck’s sake.”
“Exactly. We both know you’re only interested in Dora so why the hell don’t you stop doing this to yourself… to her too.”
I shot Jason a glare which I hoped conveyed what I was thinking. Something along the lines of ‘you need to leave now if you value your nose’.
“Fine,” he muttered, surrendering his hands. Then he stalked off towards the science block.
Still feeling the need to punch something, I rammed my fist into the tree beside me.
“Fuck!” I yelped, shaking off the droplets of blood bubbling on my knuckles. I noticed that the pain in my hand was a welcome distraction from the pain in my chest – so I did it again.
What I did next I’d been wishing I had the balls to do for the last two weeks. I got back in my car and drove away – fuck the consequences. Seeing Maddie everyday had been both heaven and hell. I imagined life would’ve been easier if I could just skip school and not have to see her beautiful, troubled face round every corner.
Skipping school had always resulted in an instant strike. Of course a strike was something I would have taken willingly if it meant I didn’t have to have my heart shredded by the sight of her on an almost hourly basis. But it seemed the days where the twisted fuck was content with just ripping holes in my flesh were long gone. Now…
I was pulling back up in the school parking lot before I’d even finished my train of thought. I couldn’t risk skipping school. He’d find out. He always did. See? Weak and pathetic.
At lunch my ears were drawn to the furore erupting from the cafeteria table where Maddie was sitting with Lori and Michelle. I’d overheard Maddie telling Lori how her mom’s hospital appointment went when I crossed them in the halls after second period. That was why she was late today.
At the table Lori was clapping her hands together and giggling and squealing as she reeled off the plans for Maddie’s party tomorrow. I stole a glance in her direction. She was smiling, but it was forced. It was the smile where the corners of her cute, plump lips turned up at the corners but her pink cheeks remained unaffected. I knew she was trying to look interested in the party plans. I also knew she would be dreading it. Maddie hates the spotlight being on her. I’m sure she would rather just snuggle down for the night with shit T.V. and a bag of M&M’s.
My mind wandered to the ring I’d bought for her. It was tucked away in the drawer of my bedside table under a copy of GQ. That heavy feeling returned in my chest when I realised she’d never get to see it. Maybe I could give it Lori to give to her? I shook my head at myself. That would be selfish. I’d just fuck with her head. I either had to give in and beg her to forgive me, be with her again, give her everything – all of me… or I had to steer well fucking clear and let her move on.
The first wasn’t an option, so I guessed she’d never see the ring.
**********
What the hell was I doing? I drove straight through the open gates and onto Lori’s drive. I parked inconspicuously at the end of the row. My car blended in perfectly with all the others. Plus, people would probably be too wasted to notice or care by now anyway.
I just sat in my car like a deranged fucking stalker for almost two hours. I didn’t know what I was hoping to achieve. I had no plans to even speak to Maddie if I saw her. I just wanted – needed – to see her. Just a glimpse of her on her birthday. I just wanted to know if she was happy, if she was having a good time and then I would leave.
Just a few weeks ago I had so many plans for this day. I was going to take her to The Crystal for dinner. I’d even planned to have Lori help me pick out an evening dress for her. I’d gotten her an iPod and loaded a shit load of music by British bands she’d mentioned missing since she moved over here and I was going to give her that at dinner to throw her off the scent of her ‘real’ gift.
Then I was going to drive her to San Francisco, walk her down Baker Beach to watch the sunset whilst I explained the history of the Golden Gate Bridge. I would then suggest we look for rock-pools, maybe start up a splash-fight. After I challenged her to see who co
uld come up with the most interesting rock-pool finds I would drop the eternity ring into one and wait for her to find it.
Lastly, I had finally got round to ordering her as many British candy bars as I could find off the internet. For the last few weeks I’ve had a stash of Maltesers, Mars bars, Aero bars and a couple of other things that I can’t remember the name of hidden under my bed. I also snuck in some M&M’s and Skittles to prove that we do have some of the same things over here. Then I threw in some Hershey bars so she could see ‘us American’s’ might possibly even do some things better.
That was all what I should be doing right now – not violating about fifty stalking regulations.
After slamming my palm into the wheel in utter frustration with how fucking pathetic I was, I brought the car to life. Then I killed it instantly when I saw Maddie emerging from the flashing lights inside the house. She was making her way outside in the shortest – and seriously fucking sexiest – black dress. It had a v so deep it almost reached the top of her panties. Fuck, she looked good.
Jared Evans – a junior who got kicked off the football team for smoking pot in the showers - followed behind her and put his hand on the small of her back as he ushered her towards the double garage. What the actual fuck? Maddie smiled and looked back at him. It wasn’t a real smile though. She was faking it – I knew her too well. I curled my fingers around the handle of my car door – ready to leap out and floor the slimy fucker for touching my girl.
She wasn’t mine.
The thought made me sick to my stomach and reluctantly I prized my fingers off the handle. My other hand hovered over the handbrake as I psyched myself up to leave. I was silently telling myself to drive away, to look anywhere except at Maddie. It wasn’t working. My car was still stationary. My eyes were still fixed on her glossy brown hair which she’d curled and let fall down the sides of her porcelain face.
