by J. J. Murray
I step back, my heart sinking a little. Naomi was right about Dewey's mama. "Thank you for your honesty, Mrs. Baxter. Now, I'm gonna give you some honesty of my own. I intend to marry your son, and if I have to ask him to marry me, I will. There are some forces at work here that even I do not fully understand, but I'm goin' with the flow. Your son, his children, me-we are meant to be together." I smile. "And there ain't a damn thing you can do about it, so you shouldn't even try."
"There ain't?"
"There ain't."
"We'll see about that, Miss Penny. We'll just see about that"
"What God has brought together, no man or woman can tear apart"
She starts to walk toward the apartment door, then stops, turning slowly to me. "I ain't just any woman, Miss Penny. I am my son's mama. You ain't never been a mama, have you?" I don't answer. "You don't know that a boy's mama is the most powerful person on earth. I talked him out of hitchin' up with that whore for six years. This little thing you tryin' now ain't no thin' I can't handle."
I can't think of a thing to say because I just can't think! I wanna cuss, I wanna cry, I wanna break shit, but I can't. Okay, so the bitch has had practice at this, but I've been through much worse shit with Jonas. I get my breathing under control and stand taller. "This ain't no little thing, Mrs. Baxter. When Dewey gets home, and he gets to talk to his son again, you're gonna have a lot to handle."
"You takin' credit for that?"
Am I? I know it was God and that tree, but I was there! "No, Mrs. Baxter. God gets all the glory for this. But Dewey .. I leave that hanging in the air.
"But Dewey what?"
"Think it through, Mrs. Baxter. Think it through. Don't really matter what either of us thinks, does it?"
Her face scrunches up for a moment, but then it relaxes into an evil smile. "I can handle that"
Bitch is gonna lie about it. "You gonna lie, right?"
"Sure am"
I nod. "And he'll believe you cuz you're his mama."
"Damn straight. You're catchin' on. You're pretty smart for a loony-toon."
I sure am. Crazy like a fox, and this fox has an idea. "So you gotta lie to keep your son's love, huh? I pity you."
That smile vanishes. "Now you just-"
"Oh, it's time for Dee's medication," I interrupt. "Got to give it to him like clockwork if you want him to keep talkin'. And you gotta make sure he swallows. The boy is gettin' in the habit of spitting it out when you ain't lookin'. Caught him today just before he spoke for the first time tryin' to spit it out in a trash can. And don't let him into the bathroom. Caught him tryin' to flush one the other day." Forgive me, Lord, but I gotta do what I gotta do.
"Goodbye, Mrs. Borum," she says, running to the apartment door.
"This ain't goodbye, Mrs. Baxter. We'll be seeing each other again soon"
Though I want to wait on Dewey to get home, I'm too angry. Why she gotta ruin my perfect day? I got a silent boy to make lots of noise, helped Tee's teacher to really see her for the first time, and this is my reward? I gotta get home to get the lowdown on Dewey's mama from Fred.
But when I get home, Fred's gone from the yard. I check the laundry room, don't see him, and walk wearily up the steps to the apartment. Maybe he's just out somewhere, or maybe he got hisself arrested because it was pressed turkey night at the jail. I don't want to think of God's hand lifting him out of my yard right now, so I go ahead and make the biscuits, checking the window every few minutes for Fred.
He never shows.
The biscuits go cold.
Dewey doesn't call to thank me for getting his son to laugh again.
And I can't sing "Hold On," cuz everything will not be all right.
nineteen
It rains somethin' awful the next morning, and I'm late getting to Avery since my umbrella keeps folding up on itself, leaving me drenched right down the middle of my back. Serves me right for buying a three-dollar umbrella from a big bin at a check-out line. I shake off outside the office and see Dee sitting on the bench.
Staring into space. Staring at nothing.
Oh shit. He's back to being a zombie. What have I done?
I walk in, sign in, and reach out my hand to Dec. He doesn't take it. I take his hand, and we walk up to the resource room, my heart getting heavier and heavier. I close the door and help him out of his coat. He won't look at me. He just stares at that nowhere place in front of him.
"Have a seat, Mr. Dec," I say, but he doesn't move. I pull a chair behind him and help him sit. "What you wanna do today?"
He doesn't even shrug.
"You could draw that picture of me. You wanna do that?"
Dee doesn't seem to be breathing.
I root around in his book bag, looking for crayons. I only find a lunch bag, a few pieces of brown crayon, and a drawing. I hold the drawing up to my eyes and see ... me and Dec. It's me, all right. I'm penny-colored, tall, freckled, and I'm wearing a hat and standing near a tall tree. High up in the tree is Dec, a smile on his beige face.
"When did you draw this?"
No response.
"Did you draw this for me last night?"
No response.
He had to have drawn it last night. "Thank you, Mr. Dec. It's beautiful." I'm not, but the picture is. "Please speak to me, Dec. When did you do this?"
He finally looks up at me. "After Nanna went to sleep."
I sigh, my heart getting lighter. He's been faking all this time? "She stayed with y'all last night?"
"Uh-huh. She kept tryin' to make me take my medicine cuz you said to"
Ouch. "Well, Dee, you see " How do you explain this to a four-year-old? I decide to tell the truth. "I was tryin' to get back at your Nanna for bein' so hateful to me, Dee, and I hope you pitched the worst fit you ever pitched."
He smiles. "I did."
"Good! So you didn't take the medicine?"
"Nope. It tasted yucky."
I smile. "So how long you been fakin' bein' a zombie?"
He smiles. "Since you and Nanna started fussin'."
So that means ... Nanna didn't get a peep out of my Dec! "You were listening to us fuss?"
He nods. "It was Tee's idea, and we fooled everybody. Nanna, Daddy, even you, Penny."
"Yep, you got me "" Both Tee and Dee should be in the movies. "But you didn't even speak to your daddy?"
"Nope"
"Why not?"
"Cuz Tee said I couldn't talk till Nanna was gone"
"Is she still there?"
"Uh-huh. She's supposed to pick us up after school."
To keep me away from Dewey, and she's putting her whole farm on hold cuz of li'l of me? "Did Nanna try to get you to talk?"
"Uh-huh. But I didn't say anything."
Bet that frustrated the bitch somethin' awful. I take his hand. "But wasn't your daddy sad?"
"I guess"
"You don't want your daddy to be sad, do you?"
"No. "
We could call him right now and beat of Nanna to the punch! "Wanna call him on the phone?"
"Okay."
I race him down the stairs to the office, lifting and setting him on the counter. "Mrs. Holland, Dee would like to speak to his daddy on the phone"
"Is it an emergency?" Mrs. Holland asks.
"No," I say. "Dee just wants to say hi."
She rifles through the file cabinet and pulls out Dee's file, showing me Dewey's work number. "You may have to leave a message."
"That's okay," I say as I dial the number.
"Calhoun Steel, Vicki speaking."
"This is Ruth Borum from Avery Elementary School. I'd like to leave a message for Dewey Baxter to call the school concerning his son, Dec."
"Is this an emergency?"
"Yes," I lie. "And the sooner the better." I give her the number.
"Might be a bit," Vicki says. "He's out in all that mess out there, but I'll be sure he gets the message"
"Thank you" I hang up and look deeply into Dee's eyes. "What you gonna say
to your daddy, boy?"
He shrugs. "Don't know."
"I'm sure you've thought about it."
"Yeah"
I get right up in his face. "So?"
He bats his little brown eyes at me. "I know what to say, Penny."
"Okay, okay." I back off. "I'm just curious. You don't want to tell me, fine" I wait him out, but Dee doesn't say another word. Tough kid.
The phone rings several times-all false alarms-then Mrs. Holland's eyes light up. "Yes sir, Mr. Baxter. Ruth Borum would like to speak to you"
I take the phone, my heart pounding. "Hi, Dewey."
"What's wrong?"
I decide to play with him a little. "Dee's, um, well, had an interesting day."
"What happened?"
"Well .. " Dee grabs for the phone, but I pull it away.
"Is he hurt? Is he all right?"
Dag, I'm scarin' the man. "He's fine, and he's not hurt."
"Then, what was the emergency?"
I smile. "Ask him."
"Huh?"
"I'll let Dee tell you all about it."
"What?"
I give Dee the phone, and Dee says, "Hi, Daddy." So much for advanced preparation. But ... that would be enough. Just to hear my child say "Hi, Mama" would make me melt. A full minute later, Dee whispers to me, "He's crying."
And now so am I. "Talk to him," I whisper.
"Daddy? Penny is crying, too. " Dee listens a bit, then turns to me. "He's coming here!"
"He is?" A date at an elementary school? This just keeps getting better and better!
"Uh-huh" He listens a bit more. "But you better bring your own lunch, Daddy." He hands the phone to me. "He wants to talk to you"
I yank that phone from Dee. "Hello?"
"Thank you, Ruth. Thank you!"
Those are two right beautiful words, Lord. Thank You for creating them. "I didn't do it, Dewey. God did."
"Right."
"I just happened to be in the right place at the right time" I'm good at that lately. A good Penny is turnin' up all over the damn place. "And Dee's right about lunch, Dewey. You might want to pick up something on the way."
"I will. You want anything?"
Just you, Dewey. Just you. "You buyin'?"
14YuP
"Just get four of whatever you're havin'."
"Four?"
Man's already forgotten he has a daughter. "You want Tee to eat with us, too, don't you?"
"Oh, yeah. I'll be there as soon as I can"
"See you soon"
I hang up and pull Dee to me, his little arms around my neck. "We better get ready, huh? Gotta get your sister out of class."
Mrs. Holland holds up a piece of paper. "Already wrote the pass for Tee"
"We'll have us a picnic, then"
"Where?" Dee asks.
"Upstairs in the resource room," I say. Just wanna keep it cozy. "Mrs. Holland, can you send Tee and Mr. Baxter up to us?"
"Sure."
While we wait, I can't keep my feet from dancing I'm so excited. A family picnic! Sure the room's small, windowless, and stuffy, but ... daa-em, a picnic in a closet! But Dewey will smell like wet dog. Hmm. Might need some air freshener.
"Dee, why did you speak all of a sudden yesterday?"
He frowns. "Just did."
"C'mon, boy. You had to have a reason. What, four months without saying a single word, and out of the blue you start chatterin' like a squirrel?"
"Well..." He smiles a little. "Mama and me was goin' tree climbing that day. But it was raining. Like today." He takes my hand and turns it over, smoothing his hand on my palm. I am a human chill bump. Is this what he did to his mama's hand that day in the car? Did he hold her hand one last time? "And then yesterday ... you took me"
A sob rises in my throat, and I have trouble swallowing it. "If it wasn't raining today, you know we'd be out there again."
"Tee says it's supposed to rain till Saturday."
"Maybe we can go climbin' on Saturday."
"Yeah. At Nanna's. We're goin' there on Saturday." He rests his little head on my hand. "Will you go with us?"
"I'd love to, Dee, but I don't think your Nanna likes me very much"
He closes his eyes. "She don't want you gettin' with my daddy." The child did hear everything. He lifts his head and looks at me. "You gonna get with him anyway, right? Tee says you will."
Daa-em. Tee does know too much. "What you know about gettin' with someone, boy?"
"Mama wanted to get with Daddy in the worstest way." His eyes cloud over. "She was ... goin' to see him 'bout that when it happened"
More chill bumps. She was going to see Dewey to force the issue. I can see her driving and saying something like "Gonna go get that man to do right by me" Driving too fast. Tiffany was on her way to do what I've been tryin' to do ... and it killed her. Tiffany Jones died loving that man. What about me? Am I goin' too fast, Lord? Got me a speed bump with Nanna yesterday and stumbled a little bit, but I don't want to slow down.
"What do you want to happen, Dec?"
"I want you to be my mama"
I blink. "Just like that?"
"Uh-huh. Tee wants the same thing."
"What about your daddy?"
He shrugs. "Tee says it ain't up to us 'bout that. It's all up to you"
It sure is. "How am I doin' so far?"
He smiles. "Daddy liked your cake"
"Anything else?"
He giggles. "Tee said not to tell."
I stare him down. "You want me to be your mama?"
He stops giggling. "Yes" The child has manners when you scare him, sayin' "yes" instead of "uh-huh" I'll have to remember that.
I raise my eyebrows as high as they'll go, making my eyes as big as I can. "Then, you have to tell me everything."
"Everything?"
"Everything. That's the rules. Now, what did Tee say?"
"Tee said that ... that Daddy be starin' hard at your booty when you was bowlin'."
Oh, my God! "He was?"
Dee nods. "Probably why he kept missin' that booty pin."
The man likes my cake and my booty. I've won his stomach and his pecker. "What else can you tell me that you ain't supposed to?" Like, does he call out my name in his sleep?
He shrugs. "Don't know."
Tee appears in the doorway. "Hi, Penny. Where's my daddy?"
And that's the only question anybody has for the next two hours. It's almost one-thirty by the time Dewey shows up with two soggy bags of fast food. He fills the doorway to the closet, smelling like all outdoors, dripping wet.
"Sorry I'm late," he says as he slaps the bags onto the table. "Rain's backin' everythin' up down there." He smiles at Tee and lifts Dee. "How's my little man?"
"Okay," Dee says. "Hungry."
"Me, too," Dewey says, holding Dee to him, his body shuddering with sobs. Lord, this is joy. Forget that definition in the dictionary. This picture should take its place.
I feel a sob rising into my throat, so I pick up the bags. "I'll find a microwave for these"
I don't think Dewey hears me, but it doesn't matter. He has his little man back. I leave them hugging on each other, find a microwave in the teacher's lounge, and attempt to rescue four soaked cheeseburgers and four orders of barely cooked fries. By the time I get back, they're giggling and laughing and carrying on-and I suddenly feel left out. I ain't part of this family yet. I ain't neither child's mama, and I ain't even the daddy's girlfriend. I look at the bags in my hands. I'm just the waitress. Damn, why I got to depress myself? I put the food on the table.
"Looks good," Dewey says.
"Y'all eat up," I say, and I start to leave.
"Aren't you gonna eat with us?" Dewey asks.
"Uh, I have some work to do," I say softly. "Besides, there ain't enough room" Dewey fills the right side of the closet, the children the left. Unless I sit on the table, there isn't enough room for all of us.
"We'll make room," Dewey says. He leans over the table and picks up Dee,
placing him on his lap. "How's that?"
"I can sit on your lap, Penny," Tee says.
"Thanks, but there ain't enough food to go around either. You can't get through the day on just one little cheeseburger, Dewey."
He smiles. "I'll make it." Then he holds out his hand to me. To me! "Please join us, Ruth"
My head wants to stay, but my feet are taking me in the other direction. Why, Lord, why? You know that I want to take that man's hand worse than anything in my life! Why am I hesitating? "Thanks for the offer," I hear myself saying, "but y'all have a lot of catchin' up to do"
I watch his hand slowly return to his son's shoulder. "Okay. Um, you bowlin' tonight?"
"Yes" At least I think I am. I doubt Naomi would want me there, but at least Tonya might give me a ride. I may have at least one friend left.
"Need a ride?"
"No" What the hell am I saying? I'd love to ride in this man's rusty-dusty truck instead of Tonya's cramped little car! "I'll catch a ride with someone"
"I could pick you up around six."
"That's okay, Dewey."
His eyes drop. "I hope to see you there"
"Yeah."
I'm not ten feet from the resource room when I cannot stop the tears, stumbling into the first bathroom I come to, which turns out to be a little girls' room. I slide into a tiny stall and close the door, wadding up toilet paper and blowing my nose. I am such a fool. I was invited to his table, and I turned him down. I was offered a ride, and I turned it down. Why am I doing this? Is it because I don't want to be like Tiffany and end up driving too fast? Or is it because I'm scared to death that I'll get rejected by him? Or is it-
A jolt of electricity shoots through me.
Oh shit.
Or is it because I am truly, hopelessly in love with someone for the first time in my life?
Holy Jesus, I have fallen in love with this man, and now I'm afraid of what might happen!
I grip the tops of both sides of the little stall to keep myself from falling headfirst into the toilet. "Lord Jesus," I whisper, "this is Ruth Lee Childress Borum, another one of Your little pennies, here in the toilet. I'm at a crossroads or something, Lord Jesus. You gotta help me, Man. You gotta help me through this."
The door to the bathroom swings open, and a little girl no taller than my knee enters. I get more chill bumps because God has sent another child to rescue me! But when she sees me-standing head and shoulders above the top of a stall-she stops moving. "You in the right bathroom, honey," I say. Must look funny to see a woman standing like a man in a stall. She doesn't move. "Really" I step out of my stall. "I was just blowing my nose"
