by J. J. Murray
"I won't?"
I turn to the black beanpole. "You deaf as well as tonedeaf? You've been replaced, now git."
"Who's singing, then?"
Kevin, in a badly fitting blue suit with a loud red tie, stands beside him. "Kevin is."
"Him?"
Kevin smiles. "Yeah, me. You got a problem with it?"
Beanpole jumps back once he gets a complete look at Kevin's scarred face. "No."
Beanpole vanishes.
"Had me worried, boy," I say, beginning the prelude as folks start to stream in.
"Me, too," Kevin says. "Broke a string last night and had to get out to the mall to get another."
"You tune up while folks get a good long look at us ""
Kevin smiles. "I hardly recognized you till I got right up next to you, Mrs. Borum ."
"Call me Ruth," I tell him. "Call me Ruth from now on"
I am completely amazed that no one-no board member, no Jonas, no Deacon Rutledge-has attempted to remove me from my bench. Maybe no one recognizes me for real. Jonas's family barely glanced my way, but they've al ways been like that. I turn and look at the thickening crowd, Tonya in the second row. We got us a full house all right. I shrug to Tonya, she smiles, and I keep playing.
At around seven the lights dim, and the ushers light the candles. This is so romantic! I've always liked candles. Think we only had a unity candle for our wedding. A unity candle. Two candles burn as one. Guess Jonas and I had short candles. I see Jonas and Deacon Rutledge enter (the good deacon is his best man?) and nod at them. Jonas nods back, looks at the crowd ... then bolts directly up the stairs to me, leaving Deacon Rutledge alone in front of the altar as some wrinkled, robed minister enters from the side door.
"What are you doing here?" Jonas hisses.
"Ask Junie," I say.
"I'm not supposed to see her!"
"Ask her afterward."
He grabs my arms. "If you ruin this wedding, I'll-"
"I won't ruin this wedding like you ruined ours"
"How'd I ruin ours?"
"You showed up." I blink at him. "Don't worry, Jonas"
He scowls and storms away, and the wedding begins. All in all, it's a standard, conservative wedding straight out of the little black book Reverend Otis Woodson's trembling hands hold on to. Kevin's song is beautiful, and as I watch the folks watching and listening to him, I realize that I, too, have always believed in something that I've never seen before love. I've always believed in love. Jonas and I weren't in love, we weren't a match made in heaven ... and we weren't quite a match made in hell either. We just didn't have love.
When Reverend Woodson begins saying, "If there be any among you who know of any just cause ... "every single eye in the church is on me. Jonas and Deacon Rutledge form two of the meanest pairs of eyes I've ever seen. Junie, though, has the craftiest little smile as if to say, "We messin' with him, ain't we?" I chew on my cheek a bit, but I never intended to say anything. I nod at Junie, then smile at Jonas, who's lookin' so sweaty his ring will probably slide off. Poor Junie! He'll probably slide right off her tonight, too. No, his pajamas will soak it all up. Hell, she's pruney enough to soak him up!
I watch the kiss, and when Reverend Woodson presents Junie and Jonas as "Mr. and Mrs. Jonas Borum," I don't feel a thing. I'm Ruth Childress again, like some spell on me is broken forever. I'm plain Ruth again, and it feels wonderful. I play the recessional with the same joy I used to have way before Jonas even came to Antioch, and once the pews are empty, Tonya comes up and gives me some dap.
"Whew, that was some wedding."
"Pretty boring if you asked me" I push in the stops and stand.
"Boring? Geez, girl, you have no idea how much tension was out there. Folks all around me were on the edge of their seats waitin' for something to happen"
"You think anything was gonna happen here, in church?"
She smiles. "Somethin' gonna happen at the reception?"
"You know it."
The reception in the Culpeper Room at the Hotel Calhoun is wall-to-wall glitz and glamour, like a society wedding or something. Kevin plays requests in a corner in front of a very receptive audience while a live jazz band plays in another. Folks dance, eat, gossip, and toast the bride and groom, and it's everything my wedding wasn't. I'm kind of glad, though. Jonas and me would still be payin' for this one.
Tonya and I chow down on some wonderful food, drink some expensive champagne, and dance with all sorts of men, most of them married. An hour into the dancing, Tonya slides over to me and whispers, "Cut in on Jonas"
"Didn't bring my razor."
She laughs. "Go on. I'll make sure the photographer gets a few good shots"
I thank my partner, some overly drunk man waving a linen napkin above his head, and slip through the crowd to Junie and Jonas. "May I dance with your husband?" I whisper to Junie.
"Certainly," she says with a smile. "I need a rest" She joins my hand with Jonas's, and we start to move.
"Smile, Jonas," I say. "You should be happy"
"I'm not"
"Why?"
"You should know."
I shake my head. "Tell me"
"You're embarrassing me again."
I look down at my feet. "I'm keepin' up with the music."
"It isn't that, Ruth, and you know it."
I pull him closer. "We never danced like this, did we, Jonas?"
He tries to pull away, but my grip is much too strong on his bony shoulder. "You have embarrassed me for the last time."
I roll my eyes. "You're right. I'm gonna remove your name from mine forever."
He squints. "You are?"
"Yep. Bad luck." I move him toward the bandstand. "I didn't ruin your wedding, did I? I could have, you know. You shouldn't be ashamed of me" He doesn't speak. "I am, after all, the prettiest woman here. And while I'm thinkin' on it, I forgive you, Jonas"
"For what?"
"For everything." My body feels light, and now my heart feels light. Forgiveness is the shit. Forgive me, Lord, but it is. "I'm all through hating you, Jonas"
"Thank you, Ruth"
I smile. "Oh, and Dewey and I would like to be married at Antioch before Christmas." His eyes bulge. "Think you could swing it? No, don't give me an answer now. I can't blame you for not answering. Just take it to the Lord in prayer, Jonas. You can't have a wedding unless it's at Antioch, right?"
The song ends, folks clap, and I leave Jonas by himself on an empty dance floor. I go to the head table and smile at Junie. "He's all yours, girl."
"Thank you," she says. "I've got your number on speed dial."
"I'll be at the other end." I kiss her cheek. "You had a beautiful wedding, Junie"
"Thanks to you, Ruth."
Then Tonya and I close that wedding down. I drink just enough champagne to give me a nice hum, not a buzz, and when I get home, me and Dewey have us some down and dirty phone sex.
I'm gonna have me a beautiful wedding, too, but right now, talking to Dewey on the phone, I ain't thinkin' a damn bit about that.
`twenty-six
I wake up with the sun without a hangover and call the Hotel Calhoun to try to wake up Jonas. "Reverend Borum, please."
And they connect me! Jonas didn't leave a "do not disturb" message? What a crummy wedding night. "Hello?"
"So, have you thought about it?"
"It's Ruth," he says to Junie.
I am such a pest. "Well, have you?"
"Yes"
"And?"
"You cannot expect me to join the two of you in marriage"
Like I'd even want that. "I don't want you to marry us, Jonas. I'll find someone else to do the hitching. I just want to be married-again-at Antioch, just like you"
"I don't know if that's such a good idea, Ruth, you see
"I got a right," I interrupt. "I'm a member of the church"
"By only six votes."
Rub it in, why don't you. "Whatever. So, can we do it or not?"
"I don't think
it's a good idea. He's a nonmember, and-"
"You really mean it ain't a good idea cuz he's white."
"Well, that would certainly be a first for Antioch, and like you told me all those years ago, things don't change too fast at Antioch."
Bastard! Of all the things he forgot-like his marriage vows-this he remembers. "It ain't up to you alone anyway, Jonas"
"You're right, Ruth. As a matter of fact, the board has decided that all future marriages must be voted on by the church membership."
I don't think I like the sound of that. "No shit? When did they decide that?"
"Last night at the reception."
Figures. "Before or after we danced?"
"After."
Of course. "So ... We'll need to take another vote?" -1 1 -1 11
"I'm afraid so"
"I ain't afraid." If the same folks stand up as before, I'll win again. But will they? And will Fred and his crew be in attendance today? I'm sure they will. Fred has to know there's going to be a vote. "Go for it."
"Are you sure, Ruth?"
"Positive. And I want the vote done today."
"So soon?"
"Today, Jonas" I slam down the phone. Lord, I've forgiven that man, but it don't mean I got to like him.
I put on a conservative black-and-gray outfit and walk over to Dewey's. And miracle of miracles, they're all ready to go. Dewey wears a nice, dark brown suit and matching tie.
"I picked out the tie," Tee says.
"You done good," I say, and I kiss Dewey on the cheek. I sniff. "Aftershave or cologne?"
"Aftershave. Old Spice."
I grimace. "We got to get you some cologne."
We walk to church as a family, and, damn, we make us a nice-lookin' family. A day ago, I didn't turn any heads crossing Vine. Today, the four of us turn us some damn heads on the street, on the steps, and inside the church. We drop Tee and Dee off at Mrs. Robertson's door like any other parents and go to the adult class in the main sanctuary like any other adults. We share a Bible and hold hands under it, and when Sunday school is over, we collect our children like any other parents.
We belong up in here.
The children sit with Dewey in Junie's pew at Junie's insistence, and for the first time in a long time, I'm a little scared. Keeping my membership was one thing, but this is an entirely different animal. If I'm voted down on this, I don't know if I can ever come back here. I'm about to break a whole bunch of rules that I didn't make and never liked. I hope they see past Dewey's skin to that big of heart he has pumpin' inside.
To calm myself down, I play "Hold On" at a steady, even pace till some of the older ladies join in. Jonas enters, and instead of praying at his pew like always, he goes directly to the pulpit and taps the microphone. I stop playing abruptly with no fade-out.
This is it. Good thing I don't have high blood pressure no more, or I'd probably spring a leak.
"Brothers and sisters, I'd like to thank those who attended my wedding yesterday," he says, nice and smooth. Sure. Thank the folks so they'll vote your way. "It was truly a glorious event, and Junie and I are grateful for all the lovely gifts."
They got gifts? Oh, yeah. Two tables were crammed full of gifts in the Culpeper Room last night. All we got was a four-slice toaster and some towels way back when. I hope they got themselves ten toasters.
"At this time, I'd like to explain a change the board has made concerning future weddings at Antioch. The board has voted that all weddings to be held within these walls will be voted on by the church membership. The board considered this prayerfully-"
For about five minutes between shots of champagne.
,,-and you can see the logic behind the board's decision. Marriage is not something to go into lightly. It is a holy thing, and a holy people must bless any union before that union takes place."
I can't believe what I'm hearing, and I hope no one falls for this load of shit. At this rate, ain't no one gonna want to be married at Antioch. Who'd want to be shot down like that? And at this church, someone is gonna find fault with every marriage. Jonas is lucky they put this in effect after his wedding. It would have been my pleasure to sit down against him.
"So today, we have someone who would like to have her wedding here at Antioch." Jonas turns to me. "Miss Childress, would you like to say a few words?"
Oh, I couldn't say anything last week, but today I can? I leave my bench and walk past Jonas to the floor in front of the altar. I don't need no microphone because Antioch is quiet as a tomb. "How y'all doin' this mornin'?" I hear a few mumbled words of encouragement, but this crowd is lookin' tore up. Many of the folks in front of me closed down the wedding last night, too, and they was some hard-drinkin' folks. At least twenty men are already on the nods, and the service hasn't even begun.
"My name is Ruth Childress, and I've been your organist for over twenty years now. I been coming here since I was a little girl and got baptized here by Reverend Hamlin almost thirty years ago" Just establishing my qualifications, lettin' them know I've been a member a long time. "I was once married to Reverend Borum, and now I wish to remarry here at Antioch just like he did yesterday." I been here longer, y'all, and if JonASS can do it, so can I. "With your blessing, of course" I motion for Dewey and the children to join me in front of the altar. As Dewey rises, all the eyes in the church leave me and focus on him. A few even half stand to see him better. Don't know why. He's big enough to see from all over the church. Dewey stands to my right looking so nice, and the children lean back against my legs.
Lord, help me out here. I am really nervous. Open some hearts, please, and don't let me put afoot in my mouth.
"I'd like to marry this man and become the mama to these precious children." I look at all those faces, but they still ain't lookin' at me. They're hard starin' at Dewey. "Uh, the board says we need to vote, so we're gonna vote. New rules for a new millennium, huh?" I squeeze Dee's shoulder. They still ain't lookin' at me, Lord. What am I gonna do? "Um, last Sunday, a whole bunch of y' all stood up for me, and I've been meaning to thank you for that. It was truly a blessing to me. And today, I need y'all to stand up for me again." They still don't see me. "Thank you." I look behind me at Jonas. "I'm through, Reverend Borum" And they are still starin' holes in Dewey. Oh Lord, what have I just done?
"Thank you, Miss Childress. All church members in favor of this marriage, please-" he starts to say, but I cut him off with a look. He clears his throat. "All church members in favor of these two holding their wedding here at Antioch, please stand."
A few folks stand immediately. June's up. Mrs. Robertson's up. A few older ladies including some of Diana's customers stand. Kevin and his mama are standing and waving from the balcony. A few seconds pass, and no one else stands. Fred and his crew aren't here. Not a single man is standing. Make 'em stand, Lord Jesus! Get 'em off their asses! Tonya jumps up from her spot in the middle of the sanctuary, but only a few of the younger members join her. I check out Naomi in the third pew. She still sits, tears streaming down her face. She looks at me and mouths "I'm so sorry." I fight back my own tears, then let them loose when I see Tonya's eyes overflowing.
"C'mon, y'all," Tonya says with a moan. "Get up!" She whirls around. "These two is in love, y'all, just look at them"
They have been lookin', I want to tell her, and that's why they ain't standin'. They've been looking at a white man, not a man. I cannot believe that this is happening at my church, and I cannot believe that I am blubbering like a whale in front of them.
No one else stands, and a few folks who had been standing sit down.
"Any others?" Jonas asks with a smile. "I count only ... fifteen, no fourteen in favor-" I cut JonASS off with another look.
I stare down every person who has the gall to finally look at me, and I chew on my cheek till I taste blood. Stones. These folks have stones for hearts. This is how it is? Times they ain't a-changin'. Older folks I can understand, but the young ones? They ain't from the past, so they shouldn't be livin' in the past.
I dry my tears and take Dewey's left hand in my right, Dee's little hand in my left. Tee takes Dewey's right. I walk them to the center of the aisle and wipe my shoes on the carpet. I do it nice and slow so everyone will notice. Matthew 10 says that if anyone doesn't receive you or listen to you, you are to leave that house or city and shake the dust from your feet, and I shake me some dust off my shoes. Then we walk out, my head high, my shoulders broader, and we collect Tonya, Mrs. Robertson, and the rest of the others who stood up for me, including Junie. I bust through the front doors and fly down those steps till I'm on the sidewalk when it finally hits me that I'm never stepping foot in that church again.
I've just said goodbye to Antioch Church.
"When's the wedding?" Mrs. Robertson asks me, but I can't speak just yet.
"Soon," Dewey answers for me.
"Make sure we're all invited," Junie says as she and Mrs. Robertson walk away together.
"We will," Dewey says.
I find my voice, but it's so small. "Y'all go on ahead."
"You sure?" Dewey whispers.
"Yeah. I'll catch up to you"
Dewey takes Dee and Tee across Vine, and only Tonya and I are left standing in front of the steps.
"Damn, it's quiet," she says.
"Yeah"
"Choir gonna have to sing along with the piano for a while."
"Yep „
She hugs me. "I'll call you"
"Okay."
Then it's just me alone on that sidewalk looking up at the church, the only church I've ever attended, the only church that I've ever called home. Too many memories are flooding into my brain ... Mama holding my hand up these slippery steps, the concrete pitted like acne then ... singing in those Christmas pageants, loud, proud, and way off key ... Mama's funeral ... Grandma in the front row at my baptism, her cane at the ready to pull me up if I stayed down too long or to hit Reverend Hambone if he forgot to bring me backup ... my first Sunday playing the organ, my hands playing one thing, my feet playing another till my feet caught up with my hands ... Grandma's funeral ... my wedding ... last week's vote. I'll never forget that. They wanted me then, but they don't want Dewey and the kids and me now.
