by Brittle, D M
He would never admit it to anyone, particularly me; but for once, I could tell that he was now the one who needed to lean on someone, and even though he was always my rock, my hero, my fixer, today I felt that the tables had turned and he was now the one who needed a shoulder. I was determined to help him through this as best as was humanly possible.
After what felt like days rather than hours, Jasmine, Robert and Fraser arrived for dinner. Jasmine obviously knew more about what was going on than the rest of us and her eyes confirmed it to me when she entered the house and gave me a sad smile. Fraser had run straight for Blake who took him in his arms and threw him around like a rag doll; Fraser loved that.
Shortly after they arrived, we were all called through to the kitchen where Julia and Marti were putting the final touches to dinner. As everyone sat and filled their plates the silence around the table thickened, only Fraser ensured that the silence was short lived as he babbled to Blake about anything that he could think of, it was good however to see Blake’s mind occupied.
Marti had gone all out in his preparations for dinner, he had served honey glazed ham with all the trimmings and even though it looked and smelt amazing, each of us had only picked at the food as we all wanted desperately to hear what we were about to be told.
“Say Fraser, have you seen the cars that Uncle Blake found for you from when he was a little boy?” Marti announced as dinner came to a close. Fraser gasped in surprise; his face was so perfect and innocent.
“Shall we go take a look Fraser?” I offered. “There is even a fire truck with flashing lights.” Fraser jumped down from his seat excitedly and immediately took my hand as he began leading the way.
“Come straight back won’t you dear?” Julia spoke for only the second time since we sat down to eat; the first time she had spoken was to say how lovely it was to have everyone together.
“Of course,” I replied quietly before my eyes rested on Marti who was watching Julia carefully. “I’ll be right back.”
With Fraser settled in front of the TV playing with a basket full of old cars that Blake had sorted out for him, I headed back into the kitchen where the men were finishing up clearing away the dinner plates. Jasmine was sitting swirling the wine around the bottom of her glass as she watched it with fascination while Julia sat twiddling her necklace nervously between her fingers. I took my seat and cleared my throat, “I didn’t think it would be possible to see Fraser any happier with a new toy to play with than he was on Christmas morning.”
“He sure does love cars,” Jasmine smiled slightly, “thanks for doing that Jo,” Jasmine said as she looked to me briefly. The men finished clearing away and returned to the table, Blake’s hand reached across and gripped my hand tightly in my lap. I gave him a reassuring squeeze telling him by touch alone that I was here for him.
“I have some news,” Julia announced. Blake’s grip on my hand tightened. “First of all, I am sorry that I have to do this today of all days. I mean what sort of a mother am I? Offering to look after my sick daughter in law the day before I have to tell you all that I ….” Julia stopped briefly as Marti’s arm reached over and rested on her shoulder.
“I haven’t been feeling well, well not for a while now actually.” Julia took a deep breath before continuing, “not since the day that I found a lump in my breast just before Christmas.” Julia finally looked up from the table and gave us all a sad smile. “I’m sorry that I never told you Blake, you too Jo, especially when you asked me outright the day of your wedding and I lied to your face, I felt awful for lying but it was your wedding day and I didn’t want to….I didn’t know then what the lump was so worrying you unnecessarily wasn’t an option.”
“It’s okay,” I smiled reassuringly, “you don’t ever have to apologize to us, not for anything.” I momentarily loosed Blake’s hand to reach across the table and squeeze Julia’s hand.
“Thank you dear, I appreciate that.” Julia cleared her throat before continuing.
“This morning I had an appointment with my consultant. I have had cysts before in my breasts, quite a few over the years to be precise. I would go to my consultant, he would diagnose the cyst, drain it, and then I would come home happy and relieved.” Julia smiled bravely but Marti began to crumble as his eyes filled with unshed tears and he placed his fist to his mouth to hide his emotion.
“I could tell from the moment that I stepped into the Doctor’s office this morning that this time it was different, there was no ‘we will just drain this for you and you can be on your way’ because this time, the lump isn’t a cyst; I have breast cancer,” Julia said firmly before her lip shook and finally she allowed her brave façade to disappear as tears began to fall from her eyes. “I am so sorry,” she said as she tried to stem the tears. We all stood and rounded the table to where she sat instantly.
Jasmine wrapped Julia into her arms and cried with her, while Robert comforted Marti. Blake crouched in front of his mum and told her over and over again that everything was going to be okay, that he was going to make sure that he fixed it for her however possible. I stood behind Julia and cradled both her and Jasmine. Julia continued to apologize as if it was her fault that she had fallen victim to this horrible disease. After a few moments Julia and Marti pulled away from us all and asked us to take our seats once more at the table, as Blake stepped past me his expression was unreadable, he was masking his emotion for his parents’ sake, there were no tears just sadness in his eyes but I had known Blake long enough by now to know that inside he was falling apart, he re-took my hand as we sat back down.
“I promised myself that I wouldn’t cry,” Julia said as she wiped her eyes on a napkin. “But saying it out loud it just, it suddenly became real.”
“How bad is it?” Blake asked quietly, knowing that everyone else was waiting to know that too.
Julia nodded as she recomposed herself, “the doctor is confident that they have caught it in time, I have regular checks because of my history so we know that it hasn’t been there for too long, of course we won’t know exactly how bad it is until I go in for surgery.”
“When is that going to be?” Jasmine asked immediately.
“In two weeks’ time,” she confirmed. “And then we will take it from there I suppose,” she said nervously. “I am sorry that I kept it from you both, and I am sorry that when Samantha said that you should stay away from stress, I have had to tell you this. When I offered for you to come and stay here, I didn’t believe that I would be getting the news that I’ve had, I mean people get lumps all the time don’t they? I myself have had so many scares in the past, I imagined… well, convinced myself that this was no different, I’m sorry and I am sorry to you too Jasmine, I should never have asked you to lie to Jo when she asked you what was going on. I just didn’t want anyone to know until I needed to tell them, but now you know; well now you will all be prepared for it if I don’t…”
“Don’t say it,” Blake said suddenly, “please don’t say what you were about to say then.”
“We have to be prepared Blake; there is every possibility that this thing could beat me, if not this time then eventually if it were to return.”
“We won’t allow that to happen,” I said fighting back my emotion. “I have already lost one parent too soon and I will not allow it to happen again, no way.” Julia smiled fondly at me as her tears once more began to fall.
“I love you all so much; I have the best family that I could have ever wished for.”
“And this family is going to see you through this mom, every single step of the way,” Blake said firmly. “You are going nowhere and I mean that.”
“And you are going to have to put up with us for a lot longer yet too mom. You promise me that you are going to fight this all of the way,” Jasmine said.
“I promise you all right now,” Julia began, “I have absolutely no intention of lying down and surrendering to this, I want to see all of my grandchildren grow up and I intend to do so.”
�
��That’s the spirit,” Marti said sadly as his arms wrapped around Julia once more.
“Are you going to die Nanny?” we all turned in horror to see Fraser stood in the doorway listening to everything that was being discussed around the table. Jasmine pushed away from her seat quickly, crouching to Fraser’s level as she reached him, she sniffed back her tears and smiled, “hey,” she said gently. “Nanny is going nowhere sweetheart, we are just talking about things that adults have to talk about; there is absolutely nothing for you to worry about,” Jasmine said calmly. “Do you want to show mommy your new toys from Uncle Blake?” Fraser nodded but instead of leaving the room he walked over to Julia, climbed onto her lap and gave her a big hug. “You are my favorite Nanny and I love you.” He then climbed back down before taking Jasmine’s hand and leaving the room.
“That there is your reason for fighting this mom, Fraser and the twins; I don’t want them to grow up without a grandma like Jasmine and I did. I love you so much mom.” Blake reached across and began stroking Julia’s hands lovingly. Marti stood abruptly and cleared his throat.
“I’m gonna just….. I’ll be right outside if anyone needs me.” He nodded once and headed to the back door where he disappeared into the garden for what I assumed was to release the emotion that Marti was always so good at hiding.
It was past midnight when we eventually climbed into bed. Once we had all taken time to absorb the news from Julia, we had sat together in the lounge whilst Blake, Robert and Marti played cars with Fraser. Having Fraser around was comforting, his innocence made us all appreciate the time that we spent together.
Julia, Jasmine and I had discussed our time in London and they were both already planning on what they wanted to do the next time that they came for a visit. The dreaded ‘C’ word hadn’t been forgotten, in fact it was still hovering thick in the air above us all, but I could see that Julia now felt some relief from opening up to us all and was now able to go back to talking to us as normal without the big black cloud hanging above her. I mentioned to Julia that Blake and I were more than happy to go home to New York the following morning to give her plenty of time to rest before her surgery but she was dead set against it and informed me that the distraction of having us here was good for her, so for now we would stay. Jasmine and Robert left with Fraser just before midnight; it was a tearful goodbye and Jasmine promised she would be back to visit before Julia was due her surgery, we would of course make sure that we were at the hospital that day too, to support them.
Blake got ready for bed as normal, even humming along to a couple of songs as he changed and brushed his teeth. He was hiding the way that he truly felt which would prove bad for him eventually. After climbing into bed next to me he gave me a quick kiss before placing his arm around me pulling me to his chest. I didn’t speak, Blake hadn’t yet cried; from the minute that his mum had told us about the cancer, he had held onto his emotion, afraid that if he caved in, it would mean that he would have to admit that something was wrong. I turned to face him and rested my head into the crook of his neck; Blake’s focus was on the ceiling above us. He was deep in thought as I lay quietly running my fingers across his chest gently.
“My grandmother died of breast cancer,” Blake suddenly said. I lifted my head and looked up at him but his eyes stayed focused on that one spot above us. “Mom was pregnant with Jasmine and I was around the same age as Fraser when it happened. When Fraser stood in that doorway this evening and asked mom if she was going to die, it was as if I was watching myself all over again. At that age you don’t really understand death but when you hear your parents whispering about it enough, you kind of figure out that if someone dies, you won’t ever see them again. I will never forget the day that I watched my mom fall to the floor of our kitchen and cry because her mother had passed away.”
“Your mum is going to fight this Blake, she is strong and determined and there has been a lot of advancement in medicine since then.”
“I know,” Blake tilted his head to me and gave me a small smile. “There is no way on this earth that my mother will let this beat her, I know my mother well and giving in is not an option but the thought of how she must be feeling…. I mean how do you act like nothing is going on when you know that you have something wrong with you that could potentially end your life? She sat there this evening making plans for the future and I know that she will beat this, of course she will beat it, I have no doubt about that, but how do you keep strong like that?” Blake’s gaze moved back to the ceiling where he once again focused on the same spot. “The sooner she has the surgery, the sooner she will be back to normal and this will all be over.”
“You do know that it’s okay to show your emotion don’t you Blake? I want to be here for you, I want you to rely on me, cry to me and I want you to let me help you through this.”
“I don’t need to rely on you Jo,” Blake said as he turned back to me, his eyebrows knitting together in confusion. “You need me too right now and I need to be strong for you and for my mother, I don’t need to or want to rely on anyone, I can do this alone Jo, I need to.”
“But if you keep your feelings bottled up inside Blake, eventually it is going to hit you so hard that you won’t know how to deal. Please, you promised me that we would do this together remember?”
Blake shifted from my side and lay me down gently onto my back before his lips gently trailed kisses from my neck to my mouth. He needed a way of coping without relying on me and this was the way that he had chosen to do so. His hand moved up my thigh and across my hip until he was rubbing his fingers across the material of my underwear slowly.
“I need to forget about today Jo, just for now. I need to bury myself deep inside of you and forget just for one moment that the two women who I love more than anything are both going through hell, is that selfish of me? Because if it is, I will stop, just tell me, please.” Blake panted against my lips as his fingers moved underneath the material and pushed into me gently, his fingers picking up a slow steady rhythm as my hips bucked against him.
“We’re in this together remember?” I replied shakily, “together Blake, always, whatever you need, I am here, I promise you I will not let you deal with this alone whether you accept my help or not.”
“I’m sorry.” Blake stilled and pulled away from me suddenly before standing and heading into the en-suite bathroom. I climbed out of bed and followed behind quickly, the door was open as Blake stood against the sink taking numerous deep breaths. I walked into the bathroom and wrapped my arms around his back, he turned and placed his fingers under my chin lifting my face to his, I could see the fear that he was hiding behind his eyes, but like a closed book he refused to let me see the pages. His lips crashed against mine once more but this time there was more hunger, more need and even more desperation. His hands worked quickly to remove my nighty and underwear while I tugged at his boxers allowing him to spring free. As our mouths parted we were both breathing erratically, Blake’s eyes burned into me as I took a step back and knelt to the floor, his hands quickly guided my head towards him as I took him into my mouth and gently began to lick his hard length before sucking as my fist pumped him up and down, “God Jo, aahhh, yes, ah fuck yes that’s so good,” he repeated over and over as I continued to soothe him the only way that I knew how. “I need to be in you Jo, I need to be close to you, so fucking close to you, I need you so much aahhh,” Blake’s hands left my head and pulled me back to my feet as our mouths collided hard and fast, the taste of Blake’s cock pressing hard against our lips until Blake broke the kiss and lifted me gently from the floor. Carrying me back to the bed he lay me down and hovered above me. He guided his cock into me gently and began pumping long hard thrusts of ecstasy through my veins. Blake had always been gentle in sex since I had become pregnant, but tonight there was something more there, he was still gentle but it was as though he needed to express his emotion through sex, every stroke of his cock inside me felt as though he was shedding one tear from his eyes and the mor
e he pushed the harder those tears fell. His gaze never left me as he rocked into me over and over again, filling me with each stroke but this was more than just sex, this was how we connected, how our emotions joined together and how we coped with anything that was thrown our way. The muscles in Blake’s arms flexed as he thrust into me continuously, I reached up and gripped his hair between my fingers as I felt myself climbing higher and higher. Blake was getting close too as his body began to shake with pleasure, “Jo,” he panted desperately, “I’m getting close Jo, I need you to get there, aah yes, please Jo, get there with me.”
“Ah Blake, I’m there Blake, I’m there, ahhhhh.” Our bodies shuddered against each other with force as we both climaxed against each other hard and fast. Blake’s face buried into my neck as he filled me over and over again with his release. We lay for a couple of minutes holding each other tight as our bodies came back down to earth.
“Don’t ever shut me out Blake, do you promise me?”
I felt Blake nod slowly against my skin as he kissed my neck, gently he pulled out of me, but he remained pressed against me as we both lay silent. Tomorrow was going to be the first day of our next battle and even though Blake promised he would never shut me out, I couldn’t help worry that shutting me out was exactly what he was going to end up doing if he didn’t at some point accept that his mother had cancer.
