by Beth Rinyu
By the time the tour was over, we were both starving and found a restaurant where we could sit down, rest our legs, and have an early dinner. We each ordered a glass of wine and Theo did his best to translate the menu after the translator on each of our phones didn’t want to cooperate. Our waiter understood very little English and wasn’t much help, so we each picked something and hoped for the best.
“Okay, if yours is totally disgusting, you can have some of mine and vice versa,” Theo said after we placed our orders.
“Deal.”
We clinked our glasses together and each took a sip of wine. It had been a good day, a better one than I had in a long while. Like always I thought of Evan a lot, but the thoughts seemed to be happy ones, not the dreaded guilt-filled ones that normally plagued me on an hourly basis. Being with Theo was a lot like being with Evan during our happy times, and I think that’s what helped me work through the bad memories and focus on the good. Theo was extra careful not to ask any more questions, but if I was being honest, I wasn’t quite sure if I was more comfortable with him avoiding them or asking. I had achieved a level of comfort with him in such a short amount of time, and I didn’t want him to feel as if he had to walk on eggshells around me because he thought I was in some fragile state. Just another reason why I didn’t want anyone here knowing my situation. But in an odd way, it almost felt therapeutic to hear myself speak those words I had to him earlier. I said them out loud and I survived. My husband had passed away tragically. We tried forever to have a child and couldn’t, and now here I was alone. No Evan. No child. Just me.
“So…you can take a pass if you don’t want to answer this,” I teased Theo.
“Oh, geez. Should I be nervous?”
“No, not at all.”
He tipped his head back and downed some wine. “Okay, shoot.”
“Do you have a girlfriend back home?”
“Ah…is that all?” He wiped his forehead with the back of his hand, pretending he was wiping away sweat. “No…not really.”
I laughed. “Don’t sound so sure of yourself.”
“Well, there may be two or three who think they have that title, but none that I’m really willing to give that claim to.”
“Two or three?” I choked on my sip of wine and tried my hardest to stifle my laughter upon seeing a couple at another table looking our way, trying to figure out what was so funny.
“I was married for two years. I’ll be the first to admit, it should’ve never happened. I wasn’t cut out for it, but I went ahead with it anyway. Then I fucked up, and she was smart enough to leave. Oddly enough, we’re now better friends than we were husband and wife. She got remarried and just had a second baby. I’m happy that she was able to find happiness, but me…I don’t think I’m a commitment type of guy.”
I loved that he was able to admit his flaws and not make excuses for them, even embracing them in a strange sort of way.
“I admire you for that.”
“For what? Leading three women on?”
I shook my head. “For being able to admit that you screwed up and not dwell on it.”
“What else can you do? Live with guilt for the rest of your life?”
His reply resonated with me because unlike him, I knew I’d never be able to push past it. He was one of the lucky ones who had escaped. I, on the other hand, would be serving a life sentence because I couldn’t break free.
CHAPTER 6
DARKNESS WAS UPON us by the time we climbed the steps of the subway, reaching the sidewalk to head back to the hotel. I did a double take when Theo reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a cigarette. “You smoke?” I asked.
“Kind of,” he replied, battling with the wind and his lighter. “I’m trying really hard to quit, but every now and then, I can’t help myself.” He finally got it lit and took a drag. “Don’t tell Kate, she’s been on my case to stop forever.”
“You have my word. But you know she’s right, it’s so bad for you.”
“Yeah, so are a lot of things. Think about it, what are the chances of getting hit by a car or getting shot by some random stranger on the street? Just as great, right? But yet we still go out in public where those things happening to us are greater. Or how many people get diagnosed with cancer who have never smoked in their life?”
He was right. Evan never smoked, he ate healthy, and went to the gym every day, and yet he still died much too young. “Yeah, I guess that makes sense in a weird way. I promise I won’t lecture anymore.”
Theo put out his cigarette just as we reached the hotel. We walked up the steps and he held the door open for me. When we entered, everyone who had gone on the optional Salzburg tour earlier in the day was just coming into the hotel through the back door where the bus dropped them off. It was as if we had planned our arrival in perfect unison with them. Kate and DeAndre walked in with their arms looped together as Kate threw her head back and laughed at something DeAndre had just said. They both locked eyes on Theo and me, each giving us a questionable gaze.
“Well, well, well. Kate and I were going to make you guys jealous over the great time you missed this afternoon, but I see you two made your own fun.” DeAndre raised his eyebrow in a mischievous way and nudged Kate.
Kate tried to hold back her grin, and I felt my face flush. “It was so beautiful, Theo. Everything I thought it would be and more. It was like being inside of a snow globe.” Kate beamed.
“I’m really happy you enjoyed it,” Theo replied so sweetly to his sister that it made my heart swell. “Are you tired?”
“A little, but it’s a good kind of tired,” Kate replied.
He looked at her with concern, but when she flashed him a reassuring smile, his tense expression faded. “Well, it was a great afternoon, Jillian. Thanks for your company.” Theo turned his attention back to me.
“No. Thank you, it really was a lot of fun.” He nodded and then focused on Kate, who really did appear to be exhausted. I could relate to how she was feeling. Between the cold air and all the walking we did, I was pretty tired myself.
DeAndre and I said good night to Kate and Theo and watched them head over to the elevators. I turned around to find DeAndre staring at me inquisitively. “What?” I asked.
“I don’t know. What?” He smirked.
I shook my head in confusion.
“Come on, Jillian. You and Mr. Handsome spending the afternoon together.”
I threw my head back and laughed over where DeAndre’s mind was going. Not only because Theo wasn’t my type, but because I was totally emotionally unavailable. “Whatever you’re thinking…just no!”
“Whatever you say,” he retorted in a dismissive manner.
“Let’s go get some sleep because you’re clearly in need of it,” I teased as we walked to the elevators to head to our rooms.
The next day went by in a whirlwind. We had stopped at several storybook-like little towns, visited another castle, and by the day’s end, we were checking into our next hotel in Innsbruck, Austria, where we’d be spending the night. By the time we arrived it was dark and foggy, not allowing for any visibility of the beautiful Alps I was hoping to see. DeAndre and I were headed to the Christmas market to check it out when we spotted Theo standing outside the hotel puffing on a cigarette. I stopped myself from the lecture I promised him I wouldn’t give and smiled.
“Hey there!” I greeted.
“Oh, hello, you two.” He seemed a little out of it. Theo and Kate went off on their own for most of the day and we only met up with them when we were climbing back onto the bus from our many adventures.
“Jillian and I are headed to the market; did you and Kate want to join us?” DeAndre asked.
“Oh, um…” He took one last drag of his cigarette and put it out. “I, um…” He raked his hand through his messy curls. “Kate’s asleep.” He finally got out.
“Okay, then why don’t you just come.” DeAndre suggested, totally aloof to the internal battle Theo seemed to be having wit
h himself.
“Yeah…but umm…do you care if I grab my phone first? I left it in the room.”
“No problem,” DeAndre replied.
Theo nodded, still seeming a little uneasy.
“I don’t think he really wants to come with us,” I said to DeAndre once Theo had gone back into the hotel.
“What? If he didn’t want to come, then why wouldn’t he have just said so?”
“I don’t know.” I shrugged.
I was hoping that Kate didn’t insinuate to Theo what DeAndre had to me last night. Maybe he was feeling awkward about it and didn’t want me getting any ideas that their ludicrous thoughts could ever become a reality. But I had told him about Evan, so he knew I was in no way ready for any type of relationship with the opposite sex, so maybe it wasn’t that. But something was definitely off about him tonight. Theo was back down before I had time to overthink it. The three of us took the short walk to the Christmas market that was in full swing for a Monday evening.
It was so refreshing to see how these European countries embraced the Christmas season instead of the normal rat race at home to get “everything done,” making Christmas seem more like a chore than celebration. The children walking together with lanterns to light their way, singing Christmas carols while their parents followed close behind was something you didn’t see back at home. It was as if I had stepped back in time, back when Christmas was cherished and celebrated the whole season long and not just a day.
Theo returned to the hotel after only about a half hour of walking around. He was totally zoned out, checking his phone every few minutes. DeAndre and I carried on, spending a good portion of the night in the Swarovski crystal store that was bigger than any I’d ever seen at home. I treated myself to a pair of earrings I had fallen in love with and had to drag myself out of there to keep from doing any more damage. We finished off the night with some warm apple strudel and a cup of coffee.
“I think I’ve died and gone to heaven!” DeAndre said, chewing slowly and savoring every bite.
“Yes, I could certainly see why Austria is so famous for their strudel. This is delicious!” I agreed.
DeAndre pulled out his phone, shook his head, and whispered, “Whatever,” at the text that had just come in before putting it back in his pocket.
“Everything okay?” I asked.
“Not really, but is it ever?”
I shrugged.
“Besides, we’re on vacation. I’m sure the last thing you feel like is listening to my problems.”
“Actually.” I lifted my coffee cup to my lips. “I’m a much better listener than I am at expressing my own feelings. So, if you need to vent, feel free.”
“Girl, we may be here all night.”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
It took a few seconds for DeAndre to feel at ease in sharing with me, but when he did, he didn’t hold back. He was supposed to be on this trip with his partner, Louis, but he had to back out at the last minute because his father had been put in hospice care. Louis’ father was a pastor at a Southern Baptist church, who didn’t want to accept that his son was gay. He was always under the guise that he could be “swayed” to be attracted to the opposite sex. In turn, he never accepted DeAndre and refused to even meet him. His mother was a bit more understanding to her son’s choice in life, but she allowed her husband to rule with an iron fist. Louis had cut ties with his family over it, something that DeAndre always felt guilty over.
“So now that he’s on his deathbed he wants to make amends with me. Louis wants me to head down to South Carolina, so his father can die with a clear conscience.” He shook his head. “I don’t think I can do it. You have no idea how awful that man has been and the nasty things he’s said in the three years I’ve been with his son. Calling me horrible names not only for my sexual orientation, but also for the color of my skin.” His animated persona had completely vanished. He was allowing me to see a different side of him, the defeated and vulnerable one. I instinctively reached over the table and offered him my hand. He took it and squeezed it gently.
“I don’t know what to say. That’s a really tough call. There’s no doubt he’s a nasty person, but there’s also no doubt that you’re a very good person.” He grabbed the napkin sitting on the table and quickly dabbed his eye. “It sounds to me like your Louis is nothing at all like his father. He walked away from his family for you because he loves you.”
“Yes, but now I feel like he’s using that to get me to do something I don’t feel comfortable doing. Why should I do anything for that man to help him clear his conscience and be his last-ditch effort to get into heaven after how nasty he’s been, and Louis should see where I’m coming from with this.”
I took a deep breath and stared at him thoughtfully. “Well, maybe Louis wants you to do this for him and not his dad.”
His brow furrowed. “What? That doesn’t make any sense.”
“Maybe he wants to prove to his father that he didn’t break you guys. That he can go to his grave being a hateful, ignorant man, but the two of you will go on living and loving one another.” DeAndre was silent, as if he was deciphering my words. “I don’t know Louis, but from what you’ve told me, it sounds like he loves you very much. Embrace that and don’t ever let it go. Sometimes we don’t realize how much we have or how much someone means to us until it’s too late. Nothing else should matter except your feelings for each other. So, if I were you, I would head on down to South Carolina the minute you get back, show your face proudly, and let him know that you’re in love with his son, and you’re not going anywhere.”
DeAndre inhaled deeply, then closed his eyes briefly. When he opened them back up again the doubt that was there just a few moments ago was replaced with a newfound sense of empowerment. “Guess I’ll be heading down to South Carolina.” He sighed.
I smiled. “Sometimes it helps to get a little perspective from an outsider looking in.”
“So insider, would you like this outsider to give you some perspective?” DeAndre asked.
“Me? No, I’m a listener not an expresser…remember?”
“Well, if you ever decide that one day you want to be an expresser, I’m happy to lend and ear.” He winked.
“Good to know.” Maybe one day, I would actually take him up on that offer.
CHAPTER 7
THE WEEK WENT on, and the tour was totally living up to my expectations. It was everything I hoped it would be from the time Evan and I had first read about it online. The picture-perfect landscapes, the idyllic little towns, and the festive Christmas markets were exactly how they appeared on the computer screen. But the sense of closeness I felt with a group of individuals who had been mere strangers less than a week ago was something I hadn’t bargained for.
Everyone in our group was great, but I found that I couldn’t wait to have my morning coffee with DeAndre, Kate, and Theo. They made me smile, they made me forget about life before these ten days and beyond it, and they gave me hope that maybe things would get better in time. I had planned on using this vacation as a way to reflect, but instead I found myself actually enjoying it. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel a pang of guilt from time to time, wishing Evan were here to be experiencing it as well. But if he had lived, would he be here? Would I be here? We had planned this trip a year ago, when we were trying to work things out before we had separated four months later. Neither one of us had given much thought to it, and I only remembered when my credit card got charged sixty days before our departure—two days after Evan’s funeral.
We had spent the day in Strasbourg, a French city with German influence, and my favorite stop so far. It was truly magical. A labyrinth of narrow streets and alleys that begged to be explored with endless shops and restaurants. Each and every building decked out with Christmas displays, one more beautiful than the last. The numerous bakeries and the impeccable windows full of French pastries, cookies, and tarts, tempted you to come inside while you walked past with your mouth wa
tering. I found myself stopping to take photographs at every winding turn. It was the perfect day, and I was sad when we boarded the bus to leave.
Once we were back at the hotel, I grabbed a sandwich from the bar to take back up to my room, along with the bottle of wine I had purchased earlier in the day. I was waiting for the elevator when I turned around to find Kate striding toward me. “Oh hey!” I greeted.
“Hello.” She smiled and unbuttoned her coat, shifting the small paper bag she was holding into her other hand. “You didn’t join the others at the Italian restaurant up the road?”
DeAndre had tried his hardest to get me to go with the small group of them who had made plans on the bus ride home, but I was craving some alone time. “No, I just wanted to grab something small. I think I went past my calorie quota sometime after the chocolate croissant this afternoon or maybe it was the cinnamon pastry.” I smirked guiltily.
“Oh, I hear ya…that hot chocolate.” She closed her eyes and shook her head.
“So good!” we said in unison.
“I got some soup to go.” She held up the paper bag. “I’m pretty tired and didn’t want Theo feeling like he had to cut his time short because of me.”
The elevator doors opened and we stepped inside. “Which floor?” I asked after hitting number three for mine.
“Oh, I’m three as well,” Kate replied.
We reached our floor and headed down the hall. “Hey, Kate?” I asked as I stopped by my room. “I have a bottle of wine that needs to be drunk.”
Her face lit up in a smile. “That sounds lovely! Do you mind if I just put my coat in my room and put on something more comfortable?”
“Not at all.” She took a few more steps to a room that was across the hall from mine and a couple of doors down while I let myself into mine. I put my sandwich down and changed into my sweats and a T-shirt, then went into the bathroom and rinsed out the two water glasses the hotel provided. Tonight, they would be makeshift wineglasses. Kate’s faint knock came just as I exited the bathroom. I opened the door to find her holding a small pink makeup bag and her soup in one hand and two bags of chips in the other.
