I was in so deep, with no way out, and I knew that when I walked away, when Dane walked away, I would be left to wade in the depths of my feelings for him alone. No one would be there to save me, to tell me to snap out of it, and I’d go back to relying on myself as if Dane had never existed. But in my heart, in my soul, in my very being, I would know he was real, and that he happened to me. Would that be enough? Would I be able to walk away and find something or someone to fill his place? Doubtful, but I had no choice but to try because he wasn’t a permanent fixture, and his abrupt departure was looming on the other side of the upcoming sunrise.
My shower door opened behind me, and the sudden gush of cold air made me gasp. Dane stood there, naked, his face impassive but his eyes hot. His body was tensed, but he moved slowly, shutting the door behind him, and coming to stand behind me. We were enveloped by glass and steam, and Dane was everywhere. He took up all the space, all the air, and I sucked in a breath when his chest hit my back, and his hands roamed my waist. I couldn’t bring myself to look at him just yet, not until I could get a grip on the tumultuous mood I was in. My head was swimming, and I didn’t want Dane to see me so vulnerable, and so emotionally… bruised.
“Look at me,” he said, his voice muted by the thick steam, and running water.
I shook my head, and hoped he’d leave me be just a little longer. I wasn’t ready to look into his eyes, and see my own feelings reflected back.
“Dammit, Kennedy. This radio silence is deafening,” he snapped angrily. What did he want from me? I wasn’t prepared to lay all my cards on the table, at least not now. Telling him I thought I loved him wouldn’t change the inevitable.
“I can’t do this right now,” I said.
He spun me around, bringing us chest-to-chest. “Can’t do what? Talk to me? Tell me what’s going on in that head of yours? Because the way I see it, now is all we have.”
I finally swallowed my pride, and looked up. “You want something I can’t give you, Dane. We’ve had a few amazing weeks together, but they’re over now. Tomorrow we’ll go back to how things were before, we have to.”
“No! They won’t go back to how they were. It’s different now, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to move on from this.”
I closed my eyes, and felt the first tear fall down my cheek. His words were hurting me because they were true. There was a fine line between love and hate, so fine that you didn’t know you’d lost balance until it was too late. I wasn’t sure exactly when I’d lost my balance, all I knew was that he was to blame.
“You have to, Dane. We both have to.”
He gripped my arms, and his blue eyes blazed concealed fury. But who was he angry with? Me? Himself? Destiny?
“I won’t accept that, not for one second. Tell me you want me, and we’ll face the rest together, just you and me.”
My chest constricted, and the thin rope that had been keeping me held together, unraveled. He knew as well as I did that walking away was for the better. We could never be more. Our history made sure of that.
“I can’t,” I whispered. “You know it’s better this way, for both of us. Don’t make it harder. Don’t do that to us. Please.”
He stared at me for a long moment, minutes passing like we had an endless amount of time. His eyes grew wet, and I wanted to comfort him, take him in my arms and tell him I loved him, and that we could face anything and everything together, side-by-side. But I couldn’t.
“It shouldn’t be this way.” His voice trembled, and more tears fell.
“I didn’t plan on falling for you,” I sobbed. “But you barged into my world, and filled it with color. You made it so easy to forget how our story started, and I forgave you, but it’s not that simple. We can’t undo the past, and neither of us are willing to let it go so that we can have a chance.”
My words registered, and his hands dropped to his sides. His body hummed with anger.
“It’s not fair,” his voice cracked. “It’s not fucking fair!”
He turned, and flung my shower door open so hard it cracked. I stood motionless, watching him wrap a towel around his waist, and waited until he was gone before I broke down. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. It was never part of the plan. Did I know it would end? Yes. Did I think walking away would be so hard, and hurt as badly as it did? Never.
I slid down the shower wall, the water pelting my skin from every direction. My cries were muffled by the water, and I allowed myself the release, if only just this once. My heart had to let go. It was my only option. I couldn’t risk more with Dane, even if there was a way, because I wouldn’t survive him. I was barely surviving him now.
I wasn’t sure how long I sat on the cold floor, and wept. The water had turned cold a while ago, but I didn’t want to leave the safety of the shower and face what was waiting for me outside.
The shower door opened, and the water stopped. I felt two arms wrap around my body, and lift me up. I was soaked, but Dane didn’t seem to mind it as he carried me towards my bed. I only opened my eyes when he laid me down on my bed, and slipped his earphones into my ears. He said nothing, but the song that started playing was telling me what he couldn’t. Ellie Goulding’s voice started playing through the earphones, and I knew the song well. ‘Be Mine’ was so perfect for this moment. It was our goodbye.
Dane switched off my bedroom light, and left my curtains open. The moonlight bathed his body, and my eyes tracked his movement until he was crawling over me. I parted my thighs, sighing when Dane rested his entire body on mine. His hands touched me everywhere, tracing my curves, committing the feel of my skin to memory. Our eyes clashed, and our mouths connected in an unhurried brush before our tongues collided. Our bodies moved, and his hips lifted so that he could slide into me. I felt, rather than heard, him exhale, his warm breath touching the skin along my neck. My arms curved around his shoulders, and I rolled my hips, taking all of him until every part of us was touching. His movements were slow, controlled, and he raised his head so that he could look at me. The song on his iPod stopped, and I removed the earphones so that I could hear nothing but us, our heavy breathing, the sheets rustling.
Dane pressed soft kisses against my mouth as he pushed in, and out, in and out. Of all the times we’d had sex this hurt the most, only because it wasn’t just sex. He was making love to me, cherishing me, showing me what he felt. It was so intense, so raw, and so beautiful that my eyes welled up again. Nothing would ever feel so perfectly imperfect ever again, no one would ever come close to knowing me the way he did.
He cupped my butt with one hand, and entwined the other with mine next to my head. He pulled back, and then entered me so deeply that I opened my mouth with a silent gasp. I was close to that precipice of euphoria, but I didn’t want it to end too soon, so I squeezed him in an attempt to slow him down. He wouldn’t have it though. His thrusts continued at the same slow, torturous pace, hitting me deep every time. I arched my neck when the first tremor hit my body, and prayed that it wouldn’t end just yet.
Dane grunted, resting his sweat-damp forehead against mine, and I caught the lone tear that traveled down to his lips with my mouth. He was breaking, and so was I, but this moment was still unbroken, and I would keep it close to me.
The words ‘I love you’ were on the tip of my tongue, but Dane swallowed them with a gentle caress of his tongue. Maybe he already knew I loved him, maybe saying it out loud was unnecessary. Our bodies said it all, at every point where our bodies connected, where his skin rubbed against mine, where his eyes touched my face, where his heart raced in time with mine. He was reaching into me in every way, and taking ahold of my heart, and my soul, and taking a piece of both.
With one final, shaky thrust we came together, our mouths falling open as we trembled wordlessly, his tears mixing with mine. That was the moment I gave myself to Dane, every single part, and accepted that I would always be his.
We stayed like that until I shivered from the coldness that had fallen over us. Dane lifted
me, and moved the duvet so that he could cover us. Our silence was telling, neither of us feeling the need to spoil anything with useless words, and we stayed awake, staring at each other until his alarm went off the following morning. He pressed me close, kissed me like it was the last time he was ever going to touch me, and then left.
It was the worst goodbye I’d ever had, and I cried into my pillow until I was all out of tears. It was over.
Dane and I had run out of time.
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
Kennedy
I WAS MAKING something to eat when Jade stumbled out of her bedroom. She’d arrived home shortly after Dane had left, and I didn’t want to see her until I was sure I’d be able to talk to her without wanting to tell her everything that had been going on. She was after all my closest friend, and the need to talk to her, confide in her, was only natural.
“Hey, girly.” I gave her tight-lipped smile. “How was your trip?”
Jade pulled her messy black hair from her face, and tied it into a topknot on the top of her head. “It was the longest four days of my life. But we laid my abuela to rest, and gave her a proper send off. How about you? Anything interesting happen in my absence?”
That was a loaded question if ever there was one. I wanted so badly to tell her about all of it, about Dane and me, and how the last four days had been the most bittersweet I’d ever had. But I couldn’t, so I lied.
“Nothing major, except that I fell down the stairs the other day, and twisted my ankle. That’s about as much excitement as I’ve had.”
The lie tasted sour as it spilled from my mouth with ease. This was the part I hadn’t really thought about though, what I would tell Jade when her questions didn’t have simple answers. It made me wonder what I was so afraid of? Did I think Jade would judge me? Was I worried about what other people would think if they knew?
It made me sick to think of Dane as my dirty little secret because I wasn’t ashamed of our…what did I even call it? Affair? Relationship?
It didn’t matter now, I guessed. I had to move on.
“Chase told me Grady is awake,” remarked Jade, interrupting my inner battle. Talking about Grady, and Chase was a safer topic, so I welcomed it.
“Yeah, I saw him the day I hurt my ankle. We should go see him, he’ll want to know how your trip went.”
She sighed, and took a seat at the breakfast counter. It was only twenty-four hours ago that Dane had taken me on that very spot and the fresh recollection sent a stab of pain straight to my chest. Our apartment was now filled with memories of us, and I had to figure out how I was supposed to keep living here without thinking about him constantly. Maybe after some time it wouldn’t be so difficult, and I could think about it with fondness rather than longing to have it again.
“I don’t think I want to talk about it,” said Jade. “But I could definitely do with a good dose of laughter, and gossip.”
“That makes two of us,” I replied. “I’ll send him a text, and let him know we’re coming.”
Jade smiled, but it was as fragile as mine had been, and I couldn’t help but wonder if there was more to her trip than her grandmother’s funeral. She hadn’t mentioned Reid yet, and that was unlike her. Whatever it was, I couldn’t expect her to open up to me if I wasn’t prepared to do the same.
“We need to get out of here for the day,” I suggested. “I need to go shopping for a new winter wardrobe.”
Jade perked up at the idea. “Yes!” Her response was a little too enthusiastic, and hinted that she might have been just as desperate for an escape as I was. “I haven’t been shopping in forever. We’ll stop by to see Grady, and then head into Brighton for the day.”
“Perfect,” I replied, finishing my breakfast.
We got dressed, and after I’d let Grady know we were coming, Jade and I climbed into her Audi and hit the road. Just leaving the university campus made me breathe a little easier.
Grady was propped up in his hospital bed when we arrived. He was mercilessly flirting with one of the male nurses who blushed furiously, and smiled shyly after we’d interrupted them.
“I’ll check on you a little later,” he told Grady.
We grinned – and it wasn’t forced this time – and rushed to Grady’s bedside so we could hound him for details.
“Now is that any way to greet your injured friend?” He chided, looking between Jade and me. “Lay some sugar on me you sexy bitches, I’ve missed your crazy asses.”
His face was already looking better, his bruises starting to turn yellow, and seeing him in high spirits was like a balm to my shattered heart. It was exactly what I needed, and I sensed what Jade needed too.
“Okay, Miss Barcelona, you first. I want all the dirty deets because I just know you have some.” Grady wiggled his eyebrows, and Jade looked away. Her reaction was a little confounding, and she looked…uncomfortable.
“I’m going to grab some crappy cafeteria coffee, and let you two catch up, okay?” I smiled at Grady, and he simply nodded his head. I was glad if Jade could confide in him. I wasn’t sure I’d be of much help given my own circumstances, and I trusted that Grady would be able to give Jade some sound advice, or be a good listener at least.
I sat down at a small cafeteria table after buying a latte – which wasn’t nearly as disgusting as I’d expected it to be – and stared out the window overlooking the expansive hospital grounds. It was another beautiful day outside, unseasonably warm, and sunny, just like it had been yesterday.
As hard as I tried not to dwell on it, my mind kept flashing back to my day at the lake, determined to keep all of it on a constant replay. Why was it that when we tried to forget something or someone, our minds were hell bent on making us remember? It was like I had no control over my own thoughts, and it was doing little to help me sort myself out.
The chair opposite me scraped along the floor, and I looked up just as Chase took a seat. I hadn’t seen or heard from him since the night Grady was brought in, and even when Grady had woken up Chase had called Dane, if only by default. He’d made no other attempt to speak to me, and I wasn’t sure if I’d done something wrong, or if it had something to do with Dane.
“Hey stranger,” I greeted.
“Hey yourself,” he replied, leaning back and placing his hands behind his head. His blond hair was cut a little shorter, and he was dressed in a pair of khaki shorts, and a green polo. Maybe pre-Dane I would have been attracted to him.
“Did you have a good Thanksgiving?” I asked awkwardly, fiddling with a packet of sugar. I realized belatedly that it was the wrong question. Chase was going to ask to ask me about my Thanksgiving, and I was going to have to lie to someone else I had come to really care about.
“It was good,” he replied. “They allowed us to eat in Grady’s room, so we could all be together.”
“He must’ve enjoyed that,” I laughed half-heartedly.
“He did.”
Chase watched me closely, his eyes probing. It made me shift in my seat because he was acting strangely, and I wasn’t used to such coldness from him.
“Did I do something wrong?” I blurted out, buckling under his scrutiny. If he was angry with me then he should have just come out and said it, been an adult about it rather than ignore me like a prepubescent teenage boy.
“I don’t know,” he replied. “You tell me.”
“Listen, Chase, I don’t know what your problem is, but if you have one, just say it. I don’t have time to try and read your mind.”
“The last time you were here, you walked in on me and Dane having a…disagreement. I was hoping the crap he insinuated wasn’t true, but I’m starting to think I was wrong.”
I frowned as a sense of unease seeped into my skin. “What insinuations?”
He chuckled, but it was a dark, and hollow sound. “I had a feeling that you were going to try and play dumb.”
I bristled at that. “Oh for goodness sake, Chase. If you have something to say stop being a coward about it and s
pit it the fuck out.”
He leaned forward, and rested his arms across the table. “Did you fuck him?”
My head snapped back at his harsh tone, and I scowled. “What business is it of yours?”
“Answer the damn question, Kennedy,” he snapped. I stared into his green eyes, and wondered where the hell my friend was, because the guy in front of me was a complete stranger.
“No,” I spat back. “I will not answer the question, Chase. It’s none of your business. Why are you acting this way?”
“Because if it’s true, I want to congratulate him for beating me to it.”
My jaw dropped, and I felt like the wind had been knocked out of my lungs. I had never seen Chase behave this way, not even towards a girl, and I had no clue what was going on with him. All I knew is that his words hurt, and without knowing it he’d managed to make me feel like Dane had used me, like I was a cheap whore who spread her legs the minute someone like Dane had asked her to. He didn’t understand, and he never would. No one would.
I stood up, my latte long forgotten. “I have no idea who are right now, Chase, because my friend would never make me sound or feel like a whore, and if that was your objective, you should congratulate yourself for achieving it.”
His face fell, and I turned around to walk away. I heard his chair scrape the floor again, and almost punched him when he grabbed my arm.
“Kennedy, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean - ”
I put my hand up, and his mouth snapped shut. “I don’t care, Chase. I have nothing to say to you, and until you accept that we’re just friends, and apologize for being so hurtful, I’m not sure I ever will.”
I tugged my arm from his grasp, and walked away feeling completely shredded, and humiliated. How much more was I going to have to deal with before I’d decided it was enough?
WHEN JADE AND I left the hospital and headed into Brighton, we were both in pensive moods. We distracted ourselves with shopping (a lot) and by the time it was time to go home, we were hesitant.
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