by Holly Hood
“Sorry, I got nothing.” She grumbled trying to go around him to her room. The sight of her red headed roommate stopped her in her tracks. She bit her lip turning back around. “Fine, prove it.”
He raised an eyebrow confused. “Prove you have the code to the outdoor patio.” She waved a hand toward the double doors hurrying him into motion. “Anything is better than dealing with red.”
He punched numbers into the keypad and suddenly the cool air was caressing her skin. She was shocked that she thought it felt nice. She carefully stepped outside and he followed. It was dark, and inviting.
He sat down first.
“How often do you break the rules?” She took the spot next to him, drawing her feet up to get more comfortable. “And aren’t you worried about getting caught?”
“Every chance I can get. That’s why we’re all here isn’t it?” He looked at her for a smile, but there was nothing. “They check rooms every two hours, unless you give them reason to look in on you.”
“Well aren’t they alerted every time the door gets opened?” She raised an eyebrow.
“I didn’t take you for the worrying type.”
She pointed at the surveillance camera. “Nice try.”
Hart dropped back in his chair defeated. “So, you got me. Smile for the camera.”
Elle didn’t know it, but she was grinning. “I’m sure it works on all the ladies.”
Hart shrugged. “You’re the first to venture outdoors without hesitation. Most of these people tell me to f off.”
Elle looked him over. “Why?”
“Because they know enough to stay away from me, I don’t know.” For once he wasn’t willing to run at the mouth. She honored his silence and fell back into her own. If he didn’t want to be honest she didn’t care. It wasn’t like she was going to be honest with him. She was just glad to be out in the fresh air and away from her room. And even if she could be in trouble she didn’t care.
“How long are you here for?” Hart asked. He stared up at the sky, his hands rested on the front of his t-shirt.
“I don’t really know. A few months, until they can fix me, I didn’t pay attention to any of it.” She sighed and followed his gaze. Inky black and tiny specks stared back at the two of them.
“Fix you. Do you think you’re broken?” Hart rubbed at his face feeling a bit agitated by her statement. He wasn’t sure why it bothered him, maybe the way her brother sat at the table days ago berating her, or how that mother of hers seemed so wrapped up in her own grief and making Elle better that she wasn’t even thinking about her at all.
“I think I failed,” she admitted. She failed at life. The one thing that to every other human on the planet was easy not to do she did. She killed someone.
“Because of your best friend right?” Hart sat up, resting his hand on his knee. “Do you think she would say that you failed?”
Her stomach twisted into a tighter knot. “I don’t know. I don’t want to think about any of that. That doesn’t even matter.” The thought of Stephy made all the guilt come rushing back and now she was angry. She dropped her feet and stood up.
Hart watched her walk back inside leaving him by himself. She disappeared into her room. This time she wasn’t taking her time. The quicker she went the faster she could climb under the covers and try to fall asleep before Dr. Jon drug her back to another meeting, a meeting where he would try to force her to talk about her feelings.
As she drifted off to sleep it was Stephy’s face she saw. Eyes of blue, golden hair, that perfect smile, it was all gone. All because of her, she wished she never agreed to go that night. She wished she would have stayed home and studied for something or went to the movies with her boyfriend. But instead, she was roped into taking her parents car out that night.
And after her fifth shot of vodka she knew in the bathroom when she fell and hit her head that she wasn’t fit to drive them home. But she waited for Stephy to stop puking and off they went. It was the worst mistake of her life and the end of Stephy’s.
“Stephy put on your seatbelt,” she said buckling her own. She looked down at her cell, it was her brother, she ignored it and jabbed the keys into the ignition. Stephy had the window rolled down and was busy hooting and hollering at passing cars and college boys.
Her cell phone vibrated sliding across her seat. “If you need a ride say so, Elle.” Nick was texting her. He wanted to come get her and cover up her drunken mistake. But she ignored him.
Her dreams always ended the same way. Stephy laughing and then the shocking squeal of tires and just as the car headed for the tree she woke up. She never could catch her breath at first, her palms were always sweaty and her heart, it was beating out of control. She never told anyone about the chest pains, she hoped they killed her.
Chapter 7
She refused to look at him.
He couldn’t take his eyes off her.
Dr. Jon rattled on and on about recovery and where everyone should be in their personal processes. It was always the same spiel.
Sadie, Elle’s roommate watched Elle cautiously herself. After the night they had she was a bit leery of Elle. Elle’s screams woke her up. Some kind of a nightmare, she thought she was helping when she shook her. She didn’t think so anymore as she stared down at the bandage on her hand from where Elle clawed her. The girl had nearly broken her arm in half.
Dr. Jon cleared his throat and looked at Elle. “Elle, we want to hear from you. Give us a story.” Dr. Jon settled back in his seat waiting patiently.
“I don’t get it,” Elle said. After being locked in the place for a week she wasn’t as quiet anymore. Everything they wanted from her seemed stupid and more painful than helpful. And the idea they wanted everyone to share their messed up lives with each other that sounded more depressing and detrimental than anything.
The girl beside her crossed her arms immediately annoyed with Elle like usual.
“Fine. For the sake of everyone getting pissed off I will share.” She sighed avoiding all their eyes. They all were watching her like hungry wolves ready to devour her. “If I had to forgive one person in my life it would be my father.”
Dr. Jon nodded his head relieved she was willing to participate. “And why would he be the one you would want to forgive?”
Hart waited for the answer, curious to hear what she had to say.
“He made a lot of bad decisions; ones that I let affect me. But now that I am where I am I see that it doesn’t matter what anyone else does, it doesn’t make you who you are. It’s your own choices that dictate where you end up in life.” Like her choice to drive that night.
“Remarkable,” Dr. Jon said with a smile. He jotted some notes about her progress down and then focused his attention on Hart. “Hart, we haven’t forgotten about you.”
Hart sat up. “I thought by now you would get sick of hearing my answers, Dr. Jon.”
Dr. Jon smirked but offered no comeback. He waited patiently for Hart to give his own response.
“I’d forgive Maxine.” Hart’s fingers interlocked and rested against his stomach.
Dr. Jon nodded. “And why would you want to forgive Maxine?”
Hart’s eyes lost that sudden spark they once held. He always had a different answer. “Things could have been worse. Things could always be worse.”
The girl beside Elle grunted coming back to life and irritation. “Here he goes again always trying to look at the silver lining.” She blew her hair from her eyes, her head shaking side to side as she grew even more irritated.
Elle wondered why she was so angry, what was so great about her life if she was sitting right beside them in rehab? Obviously nothing.
“Cadence, this is Hart’s time. Remember we respect everyone’s right to share in group.” Dr. Jon settled back in his seat.
“Where’s your silver lining?” Hart threw out, staring Cadence down. “Maybe if you had one you wouldn’t keep showing back up all the time.”
A giggle escaped her
lips. “Look who is talking. What is this? Your tenth visit?”
Elle hated to be a part of the argument, one that had nothing to do with her, but that’s the way they seemed to do everything.
“Don’t compare yourself to me. I didn’t leave my husband and kids to live a life on the streets smoking crack.” Hart’s words might have stung a normal individual, but not Cadence.
Elle flinched and moved back when Cadence lunged for Hart.
“Get off of me!” she screamed, fighting the big burly guy that carried Elle’s luggage to her room on the first day.
“Hart, take five outside,” Dr. Jon said standing up. It was his job to keep everyone in order and he wasn’t doing such a good job at the moment. “Everyone else back to your rooms or go to the leisure room.”
Elle carefully stepped around the still flailing Cadence and headed for the door. The place was becoming a nuthouse more and more. Hart punched the door to the patio open easily beating her out of the meeting room. She turned on her heels and squeezed through the door before it shut and took a seat out on the patio.
“You were kind of mean. I don’t blame her for flipping out.” Elle stared at the back of him, his hands held tight to the railing as he stared off.
“That’s an everyday occurrence; don’t be surprised if she attacks you tomorrow.” He took a seat. “And that wasn’t mean. It was the fucking truth. She lost her kids, she lost everything.”
Elle shrugged. “So what, I’m sure they are having a much better time without her.”
Hart shook his head. “And you call me mean.”
“You are.” She felt relief as soon as some light came back to his eyes and that impish smile erupted on his lips.
“Mean will get you far here.” He took the seat beside her. “Especially during visiting hours.”
Elle raised an eyebrow. “Are you talking about my brother?”
“I’m talking about both of them. You shouldn’t put up with that.”
She was clueless; it wasn’t like she paid attention to anything they had to say. The only time so far she had cared to listen was the few times her and Hart spoke. She wasn’t about to let him know that though.
“They don’t mean anything by it,” she said confidently.
“Oh yeah?” He nodded along with her. “You keep telling yourself that. See if that helps you make it through your first trip down rehab lane.”
“Are you always so rude?” She stood up as the light in the hallway changed from red to blue indicating visitation was beginning. “Aren’t we all here for the same reasons? From what I understand you just keep coming back.”
Hart rolled his eyes amused by the comeback she was willing to dish out. It was better than her usual somber self. He watched her head back inside for visitation. He stayed outside long enough to get his visitor to give up and leave so he didn’t have to be bothered.
Chapter 8
Elle tapped her fingernails incessantly watching the visitors enter the room. One in particular lit up at the sight of her. He quickly made his way to the table his sights set on her as she stared across the room.
She studied Hart closely; he found a spot and pulled out his journal—again. As every table filled with visitors, goose bumps prickled her skin and tears secretly stung her eyes watching Hart all alone.
“Finally I got the okay from your Mom.” Pauly took the seat across from Elle. “I didn’t think she was ever going to let me up here.”
She forced her attention on Pauly. “That’s probably because she didn’t want to come herself.”
Pauly grinned and shifted forward quickly. “Well are you following the rules? Mike said when he was in rehab if you follow the rules they let you out a lot sooner.”
Elle sighed. “I think there’s a lot more to it than Mike’s interpretation. Besides Mike was in here for pot wasn’t he?”
Pauly shrugged. “What do you do every day?”
“Talk. There’s a lot of talking, a lot of them trying to pry my feelings out of me and medication. They seem to think everyone here will be a whole lot better with pills of some kind.” The tapping was back. Pauly placed a hand over hers ending it before she drove him mad.
“Are you feeling any better?” He squeezed her hand. “It doesn’t seem like it.”
Elle drifted back to Hart. She watched his pen fly quickly across the paper. She wondered what he was writing. She hadn’t even bothered to start writing since she got there.
“Who is that?” Pauly asked, he raised an eyebrow at the agitated guy in the corner scrawling in a ratty journal, the seat next to him housed one of his feet instead of a visitor.
“Just some guy,” Elle pulled away from Pauly’s grip.
“Some guy that you’d rather stare at than talk to me. If you want I can go. I wouldn’t want to take up your precious time.” Pauly flexed his jaw growing a bit rigid.
“Do whatever you want, Pauly.” Elle snapped. “Since when are you so grouchy?”
Pauly ran a hand across his buzzed head, his eyes softened as he looked at her. “I’m sorry. I just really wish you weren’t here. I wish you were home with all of us. I miss being around you.”
She stiffened at his words. Avoiding his warm brown eyes that at one time made her feel safe and happy.
“Well, we know that’s not going to happen anytime soon. So maybe you should finally accept that.” She jerked away before he could grab her hand and try to comfort her.
Pauly pressed his palms into the table and stood up. He pursed his lips avoiding what he wanted to say and left without even a goodbye.
Elle’s heart slowed to a more normal beat. She dropped her head down on the table, pressing her face against the cool wood. She stared at her hand, wiggling one finger at a time.
A rush of air blew strands of her hair softly against her face as Hart’s journal hit the table. He took Pauly’s spot.
“He didn’t look happy.”
Her silence was his cue to try again.
“Trouble in paradise?”
She raised her head, her eyes falling on his smug lips. “That’s because he’s not happy. Nobody is. The only one who seems to enjoy being in this place is you.” Her head thudded against the tabletop.
“I’ve been in worse places, believe me this isn’t so bad.” He followed the length of her hair across the table watching her play dead or whatever it was she was doing. “So, what does he think he can do for you?”
“What do you mean?” Her blue eyes locked with his. And she shot him a dirty look.
“Usually they all think they have the magic answer to fix you. Or know what’s wrong.” He flicked his fingers across his journal. “So what do you think wise guy wants for you?”
She let out a puff of air. “Why do you ask so many questions?”
“Why do you avoid answering them?” His eyebrow lifted.
“Because it doesn’t matter.” She sat up and moved closer. “And as for questions, I have one for you. Why doesn’t anyone visit you?”
He studied the table, plucking away at his journal almost incessantly. “They know the drill. I think they got tired of coming down here. It’s not a big deal so don’t feel sorry for me or anything.”
She slid her hand across the table and stopped just before his journal. “Who said anything about feeling sorry for you?”
“Oh I’m sorry; I forgot you’re the mean uncaring new girl. You wouldn’t feel sorry for anyone that walked through these doors.” He pulled his journal closer, watching her retreat. “And hands off my journal, you have your own.”
“I’m sure there’s nothing good in it anyways. I just wanted to see if you would guard it with your life.” Elle stood up as the light flashed. “Don’t flatter yourself.”
Hart grinned shoving his chair and worked his way around the table keeping his eye on Elle.
“I’ll make you a deal,” he said looking down at her as they walked down the hallway. “Every time you answer one of my questions I’ll answer one of you
rs. Until then, it’s all off limits.”
She stopped at her room watching him strut past her doorway. “Wow, it’s that easy to keep you from talking to me?”
He winked at her taking off to his own room.
Chapter 9
Elle sat on her bed staring at her journal. She didn’t know what to write, where to begin, or even how to say what she felt. Dr. Jon recommended she try voicing her feelings on paper. He said it would give her a positive release.
She tapped her pencil against the pages letting out a sigh.
“It gets easier,” Sadie said. She took a seat on her bed eyeing Elle. It had been some time since she tried to converse with her. After her nightmare it was better to steer clear.
“Oh I don’t know,” she said keeping her eyes glued to her paper. “Seems nearly impossible.”
Sadie took a seat a smile on her face. “I had a hard time at first too I swear.” She pushed her red hair behind her ear.
“So what changed?” Elle asked looking up at Sadie for the first time. She had never cared to talk to her before. But as days ticked by and her misery lingered she was willing to try anything. If she had it her way she would have drowned it all with a bottle of vodka, but she had no way to do that anymore.
“I guess after a while you realize no matter how much you fight you’re not going to get your way here.” Sadie shot a look at the door. “And then you just give in.”
“That’s for sure,” she said, scrawling a smiley face on the paper. She frowned scratching the smile into a frown. Who was she kidding; happiness had left her months ago.
Sadie took a deep breath. “I’ve been here once before. Everyone thought I was fine when I came home. But I wasn’t and right back I went.” She studied her nails. “It’s hard, it really is. Everyone thinks we all are screwed up, but some people here have it worse than others.”
