At least one of them had slept well.
“Good morning, beautiful,” Gerald kissed her head, followed by each cheek and finally trailed his lips to her mouth. She’d usually match his advances, bringing her body close to his and letting hands roam wherever they went. But not today.
“Gerald, we need to talk.”
“Mmmm. We can talk later.” He ran his fingers up her thigh.
She pushed him back gently, making room between them. Her serious expression startled him, and his smile faded.
“What is it?”
“It’s Lara.” She paused. “She’s pregnant.”
“What?” He jerked back, smirking at the absurdity of her statement.
“I’m serious.”
The smirk disappeared. “How? I mean, when? With who?” He gestured wildly with his hands. Marlene grabbed his arm to stop him from banging his hand against the bedpost.
“Rubin,” she said.
“Rubin? You’re kidding me. No, it can’t be!”
“It’s true. She told me. And I’ve been noticing her symptoms for a while now.”
“Before we left?”
“Yes, she said just before we left.”
“My God.”
Marlene took a deep breath as Gerald ran a hand through his wild, morning hair. It was a relief to tell him. Even though she’d only held Lara’s secret for less than twenty-four hours, the burden had grown heavy. Letting Gerald in meant she had a partner to help her problem-solve.
“I can’t believe this,” he said.
“I know.”
“What do we do? I mean, we certainly can’t let it get out. Her reputation would be ruined. I could lose my position.”
“Yes, I know. Well, I’ve been thinking.”
“Thinking? How long have you known, Marlene?”
“I’ve suspected for a little while. But only just talked to her yesterday morning.” Gerald stared off into the distance, shaking his head. “We have to prevent any rumors before they start,” Marlene continued. “We need to hide her.”
“Hide her?”
“Yes.”
“You mean, let her have the baby?”
Marlene was aghast. “What’s the alternative, Gerald?”
“Marlene, there’s ways of stopping a pregnancy. Even I know that.” He grabbed her hand.
“Absolutely not!” She pulled away, disgusted. “No. We could never. That’s God’s child. I could never live with myself.”
Emotions rising, Marlene stood. “I can’t believe you’d even suggest such a thing,” she said before disappearing out of the bedroom. Gerald grumbled, embarrassed. The conversation was over—at least for now.
Two days later, after tucking the last of the children into bed, Marlene settled on the couch with her husband. It wasn’t like them to disagree, and she didn’t like the tension between them. She curled up next to him, letting her body sink into his.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I shouldn’t have suggested what I did. It was my instinct to just make it all go away.”
“I know. But honestly, Gerald, we need to figure this out. There’s a baby coming whether we like it or not.”
“Okay. So she has the baby. Where? How? And then what?”
“Well, it’s summertime now, which is good because she won’t be showing until the fall. She’ll be able to hide it more with heavier clothing. Once fall and winter come, we’ll have to keep her inside. No visitors. She can have the baby here, and no one needs to know.”
Gerald stared at his wife, dumbfounded by the glaring omission of her plan.
“Say that goes without fault. There’s still a baby. How are we going to explain that?”
Marlene deflated. She’d been thinking obsessively about the pregnancy, she hadn’t given much thought to the aftermath. Before she could speak, her husband shot a finger in the air.
“I’ve got it! We pass the baby off as ours.”
“Ours? How?”
“We’re newlyweds, Marlene. The timing makes perfect sense.”
“But I’m not pregnant. I won’t look pregnant.”
“We can fake it. A pillow under your shirt is all you need. As long as you keep people from getting too close, from a distance there would be no reason to question it.”
Her mouth dried. It was all starting to sound too real—too wrong. Deceit wasn’t a feeling she was used to. They were quiet for several minutes as they considered the plan. Could they pull it off? Should they pull it off?
“I’m overcome with guilt already,” Marlene confessed, as her eyes filled with tears.
“Shhh… it’s okay.” He pulled her into an embrace and ran his hand over her hair and down the back of her neck.
“The Reverend Mother would be ashamed,” she whispered.
“The Reverend Mother would want you to protect your family. That’s what we’re doing. It’s for the best.”
They left it at that. With little thought of any long-term implications, their decision was made. Now all they needed was to tell their daughter.
Six
Lara did not take the news well.
Within a few days, she had been told she was not only pregnant, but that she would have to carry and deliver the child, only to have it secretly raised as her sibling. She was outraged.
The vigor with which Lara protested came as a surprise, given the girl’s recent bout of exhaustion that had kept her mostly bed ridden for the past several weeks. With a guttural howl, Lara flung herself onto the chaise lounge in her parents’ bedroom. She’d worked herself into a sweat and the hair at the base of her neck turned into a stringy, wet frizz.
“No! I won’t do it! How could you ask me to do such a thing?”
“Lara,” Gerald soothed, “trust us. We’re looking out for your best interest. Do you know what happens to unwed teenage mothers? Not even our social position can save you from the persecution you’ll encounter. This could ruin your chances for any sort of future.”
“But it’s a lie!”
“Not all lies are bad, Lara. Not when they’re designed to protect someone.”
“I can’t and I won’t.” She fled the room, stomped down the hall and slammed her bedroom door.
Gerald looked to his wife. “Well, that didn’t go well.”
“Give her time. It’s a lot to take in.”
“I don’t know, Marlene. What if she never forgives us for this.”
She couldn’t offer a way to ease his worry—mainly because she was thinking the same thing.
***
The revelation of her condition marked the start of Lara’s despondency. She buried herself under the covers of her bed, hiding from reality.
Pregnant.
How did this happen? Well, she knew how it happened, of course. The question was more a self-imposed punishment. She’d let it happen. Even when her conscious flapped a glaring red flag (“Warning! Warning! Maybe this isn’t a good idea!”). She’d shaken away her hesitation, putting all her trust in Rubin.
The memory was as vivid as a freshly-painted canvas—rich and theatrical, in an abstract sort of way. Recalling the details was easy.
She’d snuck out of her room that night, climbing down the drain pipe from the second-story window to where Rubin waited in the shadows below. The act felt all too familiar. Scaling houses in the dark was becoming a bit of a habit.
“Lara!” Rubin hissed from behind a towering maple tree. She caught sight of his blonde hair. He waved her over.
Lara dashed away from the house, her feet skimming over the ground, light and carefree. There was something exhilarating about breaking the rules—not that “sneaking out of the house at midnight to rendezvous with a boy” was a formal Weiss precedent, nonetheless she assumed it would be gravely frowned upon.
They joined hands and Lara giggled as they headed toward a clearing behind a dense group of trees.
“Did anyone see you leave?” he asked.
“No. Everyone’s asleep. Frau Schuster sleeps
like a rock. Besides, she’d never expect me to sneak out anyway.” With her parents gone on honeymoon for a month, the old, frigid housekeeper was also promoted to babysitter.
“Devious girl.” He leaned in and kissed her, releasing an urgent “Mmmmmm” as though her lips were nothing more than the sweetest, ripest strawberries he’d ever tasted.
A rush swept through her body—a mixture of adrenaline and lust. Rubin’s hands moved from Lara’s face down her neck and to her chest. They rested so the heel of his palms nestled into the curve right above her breasts.
She gasped at his forwardness. It felt dangerous—but in a good way.
“I want you so bad,” he breathed against her lips.
“You have me. I’m here.” Silly, she almost added at the end but then didn’t, as it seemed childish in some way. Don’t be coy, she told herself.
“No, I want you more than that. I want all of you.”
She stared, fairly certain she understood.
“Come on,” he said, taking her hand again and pulling her along. She’d let him pull her anywhere.
They ran a bit further until the trees cleared giving way to a small, open patch of grass. She skipped along behind him, practically buoyant. In the glade, Rubin spun her around so they faced each other. He pulled her tight against his body and kissed her eagerly.
Before she knew it, Lara was on her back. The grass felt damp and she wondered if it would leave marks on her dress. It was new—white with a yellow sash. She’d gotten it for her father’s latest dinner party, feeling special and grown up. Tonight, she’d chosen it to bring back those same feelings.
Rubin pressed himself on top of Lara, using one elbow to prop himself up, and the other to explore her flesh.
She kissed him back, surprised by the pleasure stirred up by such a simple act. Kissing felt good and her body responded.
“I’ve been dreaming of this,” Rubin said. He unbuttoned the top of her dress to the base of her sternum and slipped his hand in to cover her breast. Her eyes flashed open. Was his hand really under her bra?
That’s when everything started tingling.
Rubin panted, moving faster and faster—seemingly unable to get enough of her. She was so consumed with the thrill of it all, so absorbed with the pleasure pulsing through her veins, it was as though she were floating on a cloud high above—that is, until her cotton underwear began to slip down her legs.
“Wait,” she said, reaching to push his hands away.
“I want you, Lara. I need you.” He kissed her with passion that made her feel she was the only girl in the world. Rubin made his move again.
“I don’t know if we should.”
“This is so right. Doesn’t it feel good?”
“Yes, but—"
“Then what’s wrong? Let it go, Lara. It will be perfect. I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
He loves me, she thought. He loves me. She repeated it as she gave in, letting him take her.
***
Marlene knocked on Lara’s door.
“Are you coming down for breakfast?”
“I’m not hungry.”
Three days had passed since Lara refused her parents’ proposal to hide the pregnancy. She’d shed more tears in these days than at any time in her young life. It was impossible to wrap her head around the fact that she was pregnant, let alone the scheme her mother and father had suggested. That, along with the hormones flooding her body, meant that Lara was, quite simply, an emotional mess.
“You need to eat, Lara. Now more than ever, it’s important to stay healthy.”
“I said I’m not hungry.” Her voice wavered, on the verge of tears.
Marlene closed the door, leaving her daughter to her solitude. One more day, she told herself. Then we need to broach this again.
Marlene was true to her word. The following day, she and Gerald brought Lara to their room for another deep conversation.
“Have you given it more thought?” Marlene asked.
Lara frowned. She looked terrible—weak and pale—having had many nights of fitful sleep and days filled with nothing but anxiety.
“I don’t know what to do,” she admitted. “But I know I want to keep my baby. It was created with love.” She put a hand gingerly on her belly. Flat as a board, it was hard to imagine a poppyseed inside it, one with a flickering heartbeat that would grow into a human.
Gerald grimaced. The hatred he felt for Rubin bordered on madness. His daughter swooning over a double-crossing Judas was enough to make him lose his breakfast. Marlene, sensing her husband’s fury, put a hand on his arm. Insulting Rubin in front of Lara would do nothing for their cause, and Marlene knew it.
“We never suggested otherwise,” Marlene said.
“That’s exactly what you’re suggesting! The baby wouldn’t be mine.”
Lara breathed heavily, her face flushed with pain. Her palms were damp with sweat. Marlene sat beside Lara on the chaise and rubbed her back.
“Your father and I love you so much and don’t want to see anything happen to you. This is the only way, Lara.”
“It’s hard to see it now,” Gerald added, “but we’re doing this for you.”
“But it’s my baby. How can I just pretend it’s my brother or sister?”
“We’ll always know the truth,” Marlene said, “but no one else can. It has to remain between us.”
Gerald joined them on the couch, placing another hand on Lara’s back, as though he and Marlene were spiritual leaders blessing the unfortunate. “Yes,” he said, “and you’ll be able to watch the baby grow up here in this family, which is a blessing compared to lots of other young girls who have to give up their babies completely.”
Lara bent in half and sobbed. Without much more to say, Gerald left the room solemnly, giving his wife the space to work her compassion and convincing. There was something about Marlene that made the world feel like everything would be alright in the end. It was one of her gifts.
Marlene ran her fingers through Lara’s hair and wiped tears from her eyes. They didn’t speak, just sat. They held each other. In that moment, Lara fully appreciated the love of her stepmother.
Each woman was a critical part the other one never knew she needed.
Marlene let Lara cry until her body could cry no more. Quiet whimpers and deep wails, that fell from her eyes like a faucet without an off switch. The sobs came and went, but the two stayed together in the room for another hour.
Lara wrestled with the decision in front of her. Go along with her parents’ plan? It would be devastating. But what was the alternative? She was seventeen. She had no money of her own, had never had a job. Her world view was very narrow, to say the least.
When the silence of the room became too much to bear, she lifted her head and spoke.
“Okay.”
From that moment in the bedroom, with her single word of concession, their plan was set into motion.
***
Lara stayed close to home even though there was nothing detectable about her appearance—so thin and slender, any hint of a bump wouldn’t emerge for months. Still, there was an unspoken safety she felt from the comfort of her four walls. Outsiders were none the wiser. But she knew the truth. And the nausea that came along with that knowing, only added to the morning sickness, which struck her nearly every day.
It was a curse, a daily reminder of the choice she had made—both at first, that night in the field, and later, upon agreeing to the deception.
The three of them agreed not to say a word to the other children—Miriam’s jabber-mouth would certainly blow their cover. When any question of Lara’s despondency arose, Marlene quickly dismissed it with a clever excuse.
“Oh, she’s just extra tired today.”
“A little homesick, that’s all.”
But by the time October arrived, it became much harder to hide Lara’s growing belly. She ventured out less and less, succumbing to the walls of the house. It was to be he
r final year of high school, but teenagers were, perhaps, the most observant living souls, and Lara would never have been able to get her secret past them. Instead, Gerald and Marlene settled that once the baby came, Lara could finish her schooling at home.
At the same time Lara’s stomach threatened to pop the buttons on her blouse, it became obvious that Marlene would need to craft a false bump if they were to make their timelines believable.
So the facade grew. Another day, another lie.
Marlene had always been a thin woman, boyish really, with a straight appearance and few curves. Never bearing her own children, she didn’t have the postpartum pooch at her midsection like other thirty-year-old mothers. Her figure was envious, youthful and slim. But that didn’t help the appearance of being with child. They knew they must be strategic.
At the store, Marlene bought four new pillows of varying sizes: a small decorative cushion, all the way up to a full, round bolster. She’d kneaded and prodded the filling, testing it for shape and softness. These should do, she thought.
One evening, after the children had gone to bed, Marlene, Gerald and Lara gathered in the master bedroom: what had become their private convening spot. A chamber for executive decision-making.
“What about this one?” Marlene turned to the side, examining her profile in the full-length mirror. She jabbed at the padding under her shirt, positioning it just right.
“Too big,” Lara said soberly.
Marlene pulled the pillow from her shirt. She grabbed a smaller option and replaced it where the larger one had been.
“That’s better,” Gerald said. “Looks about the same size as Lara.”
Marlene regarded her new silhouette. The mid-sized bump jutted out from under her gabardine bodice. She’d have to give up her lace up tops, which was a shame, as they showed off her willowy waist. Now, admiring the bulge, she felt a mix of shame and longing.
From the moment she fell in love with Gerald she dreamed of adding a baby of their own to their family. She was young—only in her mid-twenties—so her maternal urge was strong and her body was primed for pregnancy. Never did she think this would be how a new life would come into their family. The thought produced a taste of bile in her mouth.
All That Shines and Whispers Page 4
