She believed him. Because he was listening and accepting and because he was a good guy. Would there be mistakes? Sure—by both of them. That came with being human. But with some effort, and maybe a little professional help, they could make it work.
She flung herself at him. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
His mouth settled on hers. She pressed her body to his and gave herself over to the passion they generated. When he started nudging her backward, toward his bedroom, she went willingly. Because while they might not have all the answers, as long as they were willing to search for them, they were going to be just fine.
* * *
The click-click-click of Lulu’s nails on the kitchen floor was a familiar sound. Pam reached down and picked up her little dog.
“I missed you,” she told Lulu. “Was I silly to think I could leave you or what?”
Lulu kissed her chin, then snuggled close. The dog hadn’t left her side in the three days she’d been home. It had always been this way when they traveled, Pam thought. Only this time she’d been the only one to come home.
The last night of the cruise had gone just as Olimpia had promised. She hadn’t left Pam alone. They’d talked for hours and had fallen asleep in their chairs sometime after two. There’d been a rush for the early morning departure with plenty of hugs and promises to stay in touch.
Since she’d been home, she’d already heard from all three of them. Even more important, she’d made her reservation for the European cruise they were taking in September. It wasn’t like having John back, nowhere close. But it wasn’t the hell it had been. Maybe she couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel just yet, but she knew it was there. Her job was to keep moving.
Now, with Lulu in her arms, she walked through the big house she’d lived in for so long. She went from room to room, studying the furnishings, the mementos.
In the living room was a family portrait taken about ten years ago. Brandon looked impossibly young. John was so handsome. In his study was the baseball he’d caught at a Dodger game. There were candid photos of all the kids and several of her. The mug he’d used and casually placed on the bookcase the weekend before he died was exactly where he’d left it.
The dining room held other memories. Family dinners. She and Jen had had their worst fight ever at that table. Her daughter had been seventeen and wanting to be respected as an adult while cared for as a child. Pam had wondered if they would ever get through that time where every word was misunderstood and each encounter seemed to lead to angry words and door slamming. John had been her rock through it all. He’d assured her Jen would once again become the daughter they remembered, and in time, she had.
In the hallway, Pam paused by what had been Brandon’s door. How many nights had she and John stood there, not sure what to do or say as their youngest experimented with drugs and alcohol. They’d spent hundreds of hours worrying and fearing the future. But he’d gotten through it.
In the hall bath, behind the door, were the lines marking Steven’s various heights. At nine, he’d been frantic he wouldn’t be big enough to play professional baseball, only to discover that while he enjoyed the game, he wasn’t interested in making it his entire life.
So many memories. So many good times. She’d been blessed. And while losing John would be a wound she would carry with her always, she was beginning to see that maybe, just maybe, she had the strength to go on.
“Hi, Mom. It’s me!”
Lulu struggled to get down. Pam set her on the floor and the little dog went running to greet Jen. All three kids were coming by that night for a rare midweek dinner. Pam had chili in the Crock-Pot and her famous cheddar biscuits ready to bake.
She went toward the kitchen and found her daughter holding Lulu.
“Mom!” Jen put down the dog and hurried to greet her. “I’m so glad you had a good time on the cruise, but I missed you. It was hard having you gone.”
They hugged. Jen hung on a little tighter than usual. Pam gave a brief prayer of thanks for whatever angel had arranged for her to meet her three friends. Without them, she wouldn’t have made it back. She knew that. And what a waste of a blessed life.
Pam cupped her daughter’s face in her hands. “Look at you. You really are glowing. You’ve always been beautiful, but now it’s kind of unfair to the rest of us.”
“Oh, Mom.” Jen’s eyes filled with tears. “I had my ultrasound while you were gone. Kirk was with me. The baby is healthy and I’m doing well. You’re the first to know, aside from Kirk, of course. We’re having a boy.”
Warm, bubbling happiness filled her. Pam hung on to it, even as the pain of loss tempered the edges of the joy. It would always be like this, she thought. But it was okay. There would be good days and bad days. And John would always be in her heart.
“Congratulations. A boy. Kirk must be thrilled. He’s always had that macho streak.”
Jen laughed. “I know. He’s really excited.” Her daughter sniffed. “We want to call him John, if you’re okay with that.”
Pam had to take a breath before she could speak. “That would be wonderful, but you know you don’t have to.”
“I know. We want to. I miss Daddy so much. Not like you do, I’m sure.”
They walked into the family room and sat down on the sofa. Lulu jumped up and settled between them. She curled up against Pam but kept her gaze on Jen, as if making sure no one was going anywhere.
“I’m glad you made friends on your cruise,” Jen said. “Those three ladies sound great.”
“They are. I’m joining them in September. We’re going to Europe together. The four of us.”
“Wow. Impressive. Look at you, traveling the world.”
Pam smiled. “I’ll be nervous, but I won’t be alone. Then I’m staying put until you have your baby.”
“Good, because I want you with me for every second the whole first year.”
“You say that now, but you’ll do great. Of course, I’ll help when you need it, but I’m not worried about you.” She looked around at the big room, the giant TV John had loved so much. “I want to talk to you about something.”
Jen’s eyes widened. “What? Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. I’ve just been thinking. This house is so big and—”
The tears returned to Jen’s eyes. “No, Mom. You can’t sell it. We need this house in our family. The memories. Don’t all the books say you have to wait a year before doing anything big? Wait. We’ll help. Didn’t Steven do a spreadsheet for maintenance and stuff? We can all pitch in.”
Pam shook her head. “Hear me out. It’s okay. Yes, your brother put together a spreadsheet of what has to happen when. I have a list of vendors to call. I can take care of the house—I just don’t want to anymore. I’ve talked to your brothers about this and they agree with you. The house has to stay in the family.”
Jen shot to her feet. “Is Steven taking it? Because he would not treat this house right. He’s a single guy. There’s no way Brandon would want it.”
Pam patted the sofa. “Sit. Listen.”
Jen’s mouth twitched. “Now you’re talking to me like I’m Lulu.”
“She is better behaved than you.”
Jen laughed and sat. “Okay. I’m listening.”
“The boys agree that the house should stay in the family. We have so many memories here. Like the Memorial Day barbecue in a couple of weeks.” An annual tradition where friends and famil
y came over for a big celebration of the start of summer. On the flight home Pam had realized she had to continue the tradition. At least this one last time.
“You’re right about Brandon and Steven not wanting the house. But you do. You and Kirk.”
Jen’s eyes widened. “Mom, that would be incredible, but there is no way we can afford it. I’m a public school teacher and Kirk’s a cop. On our best day, we barely make the rent on our apartment.”
“I know. If you want the house, you can have it. Think of it as an early inheritance. I would transfer title to you and Kirk. I would put an amount equal to the value of the house into the boys’ trusts.”
“What would you do?”
“Buy a condo. My friend Shannon has a lovely place right on the beach. I’m going to look in her building. I’d be five minutes away.” She smiled at her daughter. “You think about it and talk to Kirk. I’d love to see you two and your children here. But it means hosting the family events and carrying on traditions. I’d help with the cooking, but the bulk of it would fall to you.”
Jen hugged her. Lulu wiggled between the two of them and gave plenty of kisses.
“Mom, I don’t know what to say. I’d love it. I’ll talk to Kirk, but I’m pretty sure he’ll agree. This house is so amazing.” She drew back. “But not right away. You have to think about it, too. You and Daddy lived here for so long. You have to be sure you want to give that up.”
“It’s okay,” Pam told her. “Wherever I go, John is with me. We had a wonderful life here. There’s a lot of good energy in these walls. A lot of happiness. I know he’d want this for all of us.”
Twenty-Six
Pam waited until both Shannon and Nicole had their Cosmos before raising her glass. “To friends. Thank you both for being there for me after John died. I don’t think I ever thanked you.”
“You did,” Shannon told her.
“You’re being kind.”
Shannon wrinkled her nose. “Not possible. I’m a career-driven harpy. Haven’t you heard?”
Despite her words, Shannon was practically floating. Her eyes were bright and her skin glowed. There was a softness about her and an air of mystery. She was keeping secrets, Pam thought. The good kind.
“Another article on successful women breaking barriers?” Nicole asked.
“You know it,” Shannon said and took a sip of her drink. “There’s an entire paragraph on my unmarried and childless state.”
“Fuck ’em if they can’t take a joke,” Pam said.
Both women stared at her.
“I’ve never heard you say the F word,” Nicole admitted. “It makes me like you so much more.”
Pam grinned at her, even as she worried about her friend. Shannon had already called and told her about what happened with Eric. While Shannon was all happy smiles, Nicole seemed smaller somehow, and shell-shocked. As if the reality of what was happening hadn’t set in yet.
Pam knew the feeling. She’d felt like the walking dead for a couple of months after John’s death. Pretty much until the cruise, she thought. Most of her heart was still in hibernation, but there was the hint of coming spring. A bud or two. And for now, that was enough.
“Tell us about the cruise,” Shannon said. “It sounded like you had a good time.”
“I did. Better than I expected.”
They were in the bar at Pescadores. Their reservation for dinner was in an hour, giving them plenty of time to chat at a quiet table in the back of the bar. It was relatively early on a Wednesday evening. There weren’t many other patrons. Even so Pam lowered her voice as she spoke.
“I’m not going to share this with anyone else, but I want you two to know the truth.” She sipped her drink. “I went on the cruise to kill myself. I thought I couldn’t survive losing John.”
Both Nicole and Shannon stared at her.
“Oh, my God,” Shannon murmured. “Pam, I had no idea. I’m sorry you felt so alone.”
“No. Don’t blame yourself. I meant what I said before. You were both there for me. Everyone was willing to help the first couple of weeks, but you two went so beyond that. I wouldn’t have made it through without you.” She rested her elbows on the table and told them about how she’d picked the day and the means.
“It’s hard to explain. The loss, I mean. I haven’t been anyone but John’s wife for thirty years. I didn’t want to try to find out what being on my own would be like. I was selfish and weak. John would have been so ashamed of me.”
She thought about the man who had been the best part of her. He wouldn’t have understood, she thought. “This may sound strange, but I’m so grateful for what I went through. I’m glad I came up with the ridiculous plan and tried to see it through. To be honest, I have no idea if I could have done it or not. What I do know is I was extraordinarily fortunate to meet the women I did on that ship. That last night, when Olimpia wouldn’t leave me on my own, I felt as if God touched me.”
She wrinkled her nose. “I don’t mean that in a weird way. Just that I was given another chance. It’s not any easier without John, but somehow I can deal with it better. I can breathe. I couldn’t breathe before. Jen’s going to have a baby. One day Steven will fall in love. Brandon is going to be a wonderful doctor. I want to see all that.”
She turned to Shannon. “I want to see what happens with Adam and watch you continue to kick business ass.” She touched Nicole’s arm. “I want to be around as Tyler grows up and you figure out what’s next. But mostly I want to thank you for being my friends.”
“I am not crying,” Shannon said firmly. “You’re not going to make me.”
Nicole wiped away tears. “I’m not even trying not to. Pam, I’ve said this before and I hope you know it’s a compliment, but I so want to be you when I grow up.”
“Aim higher,” Pam told her.
Nicole shook her head. “Not possible.”
* * *
“I need you to prepare a list of all your assets and all your debts, both personally and for the business.”
“Should I be taking notes?” Nicole asked.
Her lawyer, Nancy, a sensible-looking woman in a suit, shook her head. “No. I’ll be sending you home with a lot of paperwork for you to look over. There are some information sheets and a list of what you’ll bring to the next meeting.”
Nicole didn’t understand how she’d gotten here. Oh, not to the meeting itself. That was simple. Pam had driven her. But to this place in her life. She and Eric were getting a divorce.
They still hadn’t talked. Nor had she seen him. He’d been by a couple of times to pick up clothing and his computer. She only knew because Greta mentioned it. Three days ago he’d sent a text saying he was retaining a lawyer and suggesting she do the same.
Shouldn’t they have a conversation? Talk about what had gone wrong or even try to fix it? His answer was easy to figure out, she thought, still too surprised by everything happening to feel anything. She moved through her days as if her life was happening to someone else and she was just the observer.
“Nicole owns her own business,” Pam said. “And Eric recently sold a screenplay for a sizeable sum.”
“Everything comes into play,” the lawyer said. “California is a community property state. That means all joint assets are shared. Did you own anything before you were married?”
“My house,” Nicole murmured. “I bought it myself and Eric isn’t on the title.”
“Did he put any money down on it or
pay for any improvements?”
She shook her head.
“Eric hasn’t worked in over a year,” Pam told the lawyer. “He quit his job to write his screenplay. Nicole’s been paying all the bills.”
“That helps,” Nancy said as she took notes. “You’ll need to prepare a P-and-L for your business.”
Nicole looked at Pam. “A what?”
“Profit-and-loss statement,” her friend told her. “It’s in your bookkeeping program. I’ll show you. It’s not hard. Basically everything will be added up. The value of your business, less any debts, what you owe on credit cards and how much money you have. Life insurance and the like. Then it’s split down the middle.”
“Exactly,” the lawyer said with a smile. “You’ve been through this before.”
“Not personally,” Pam told her. “But a few friends had difficult divorces.”
Nancy nodded and looked at Nicole. “What about your son?” She glanced at her notes. “Tyler.”
Nicole shrugged. “Eric and I haven’t talked. He hasn’t seen Tyler since he moved out. I want to retain custody. We have a nanny—Greta. I don’t think I can afford her on my own, but without her, there will be day care expenses. Could Eric help with that?”
The last thing she wanted was her son having even more disruptions.
“Absolutely. Once I meet with his attorney, I’ll know what he expects as far as custody. His abandonment of the family works in your favor.”
Nicole wondered if it had to be phrased that way. Eric had left them. Wasn’t that different? Or maybe when it came to a divorce, it didn’t matter.
“If you’re the custodial parent, he’ll be paying child support. With your share of his screenwriting money and child support, you should be able to afford Greta, or some other arrangement.” Nancy gave her a sympathetic smile. “I know this is overwhelming. You need to understand it’s going to get worse before it gets better. Divorce isn’t easy, but it is survivable. You have a support network. I suggest you take advantage of that. This is the time to reach out to your friends.”
The Girls of Mischief Bay Page 34
