by Emily N. Kay
Time went on, and before Violet knew it, Caitlin was going to a formal dance with Josh at his school.
“I see things are getting serious between you two,” Violet commented when Josh told her the news at breakfast, unable to hide the bitterness in her voice.
Josh raised one of his eyebrows, his cheek twitching a little as though he’s suppressing his grin. “Maybe.”
Violet snorted. “Is she your girlfriend now?”
He full-on grinned now. “Maybe”
She scowled. “Do you even like her?”
Josh opened his mouth.
“I swear if you say maybe one more time I’ll inhale all your Oreos.” Violet looked pointedly at her brother, pointing at the newly opened pack of Oreos on the table. Thank God Oreos were vegan. Josh loved to have those for breakfast with full-fat milk like cereal. Violet shuddered when thinking about all the calories and trans fats Josh was consuming almost every morning.
He chuckled. “You’ll eat them all anyway, so…”
“Come on, Josh! Be serious. I really wanna know.”
“Why?” Josh raised an eyebrow. “Why does it bother you so much that I might like Caitlin?” He leaned forward with his elbows on the table, staring at her with a curious gaze, like he’s interrogating her, when it’s actually supposed to be the other way around.
Violet rolled her eyes. “It bothers me because I don’t want you to be a jerk.”
“Right,” he said amusedly before gulping down the rest of the milk from his bowl.
Violet sighed and let it slide. He wasn’t going to admit anything to her because he was really being a jerk. And truth be told, she kind of felt sorry for Caitlin. Because no matter how much she disliked the girl, she still thought it was’t right for her brother to be with someone he clearly wasn’t interested in. She had no idea why Josh would even lead Caitlin on like that. Maybe he’s lonely. Still… no girls should be used like that by a guy. Violet felt like she could relate to Caitlin on this matter… More than she would like to admit. She also understood—on such deep level—that it’s not easy to walk away from a relationship when you’re the one who wasn’t ready to let go.
Violet was sure that Caitlin also knew… that Josh wasn’t that into her—at least not as much as she was. But that’s the thing about being in an unrequited love—you just kept on hoping and wishing and praying that one day the feelings were reciprocated…
Chapter 15
Josh
I have always loved how V looks at me—with admiration, respect, love. Though not the kind of love I want, but still… Anything is better than the way she is looking at me right now—full of anger, full of hate…
But I hold my stance. “What? Did I say anything wrong?”
V continues to glare at me with pure fury in her eyes. “I was trying to do something nice for you and you were embarrassing me!” she hisses, her cheeks flushed.
I can’t believe this…
“How are you still with him!” I shout at her exasperatedly.
V blinks at my sudden change of topic. “What?” she says in bewilderment. “What’s he got to do with any of this!”
“He clearly doesn’t care about you, V. He never does! How can you not see that?”
Her lips start to tremble and tears spring to her eyes.
But I can’t seem to stop myself now that I’ve let the words out. “You know why he’s still with you? It’s because you feed his ego. You make him feel like he’s actually worth something, and—”
“Josh, stop,” she says, her voice firm and quiet at the same time. “Don’t make this about Kyle.”
I look at her tear-stained face, and I want so badly to shake her and snap her out of it. I would do anything to make her stop see reasons. Anything…
“I’m sorry but it’s the truth. He is taking you for granted, V,” I say exasperatedly. “I care about you, and you need to hear it—”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake!” V cries out, throwing up her hands. “You—of all people—have no single right to judge him! I mean… what are you even doing with Caitlin!”
I’m using her to get through to you, I scream internally.
I stare back at her. “It’s not the same and you know it.”
She’s not you and I only care about you.
She scoffs. “You’re such a hypocrite, you know that? You think Kyle is awful but you’re no different than him!”
My heart stops beating. I mean, I know I’m a shitty person for treating Caitlin the way I do. But hearing it from V that I’m the same as Kyle? It’s brutal…
I swallow hard and say, “I’ll break up with her if that’s what you want.”
V looks at me like I just said something really wrong. Which I probably did. “That’s not—oh my God…” She shakes her head with her mouth gaping open. “Josh… I want you to break up with her, yes. But I want you to do it for the right reason. I want you to let her go not because I tell you to, but because you know you’re leading her on and you need to stop!” she explains as though she’s teaching a kid some important life lesson.
And I want to tell her so badly why I even go out with Caitlin in the first place. It’s all because of you, V… But I hold my tongue. Things don’t have to get worse right now.
“Caitlin and I—we’re the same, you know,” she goes on, her voice somber. “We let guys like you treat us like shit because we are not smart enough to walk away…”
At that, heat rises up to my face. “If you know that then why don’t you just leave him!” I cry out frustratingly. “And all this time I thought you’re just too ignorant to see it.” I didn’t mean for it to come out that way, but it did, and I don’t bother to correct myself.
V crosses her arms defensively over her chest. She looks so fragile and I just want to wrap her in my arms. “You think I don’t already know how Kyle feels about me?” she says. “I’m not stupid, Josh. Trust me, I know. I don’t need you to tell me…” V pauses and tears pour out of her eyes. “And yet… I let him drag me around and I let him break my heart over and over again because I love him…” she utters between sobs, her face crumpled, tears streaking down her cheeks.
The world becomes still. My heart breaks into a million pieces.
She loves him.
Loves.
Him…
No, that’s bullshit. She’s confused, that’s all. It’s a phase and it will pass. Surely. It will.
“What you feel for him… It’s not love, V,” I spit out the words. My own voice sounds so foreign to me.
The look she gives me makes me want to take back everything I said. Her face crumbles for a second before the same, hateful look comes back on again.
“So you think you’re the expert… on love,” she says, venom in her voice, mocking me. She scoffs. “You don’t know what you’re talking about, Josh. And you don’t get to tell me what I feel, especially not when you can’t figure out how you feel about Caitlin.”
I can’t do this any more. “Okay, fine. I admit it. I’m not into her, okay? Never was, never will. But I can assure you one thing…” I pause and look straight into her eyes. “I know what love is.” I keep my eyes lock on hers before the words pour out of my mouth like waves of angry ocean. “I love you, V.” I swallow. “I love you,” I say it again, feeling the words burn on my tongue.
Dread slowly settles in her face before it disappears. And despite everything—despite what I just told her—she lets out a snorting laugh. “I know you do, Josh. I love you too,” she quickly says, trying to sound light but the tremble in her voice and her frantic eyes give her away. She’s mortified… “This isn’t… this is so not relevant on what we’re talking about—”
“No V, listen…” I step closer to her and watch her take a step back. I ignore the pain that shoots up to my heart.
There’s no turning back now.
“I’ve always loved you, V… I can’t control how I feel. I’ve tried and I’ve tried but I can’t—”
“Stop
,” she whispers. Two steps back. Eyes moving away. “I think we’re both tired, and I need to get back to my friends and explain to them that I made a mistake thinking that you’re taking the offer, and… and then we can talk about… whatever this is at home, okay?” she rambles really fast without really looking at me. She starts to turn her back to me, walking back to the shop to… those people—to him…
I feel my whole body paralysed. How could she just dismiss my feelings like that? I pour out my feelings for her, and she just… brushes it away… like they mean nothing to her, when it tears me apart.
My mind is clouded, and I can see nothing clearly any more. And before I even know what I’m doing. No, I do know what I’m doing. It’s what I’ve been wanting to do since forever. Which is why I now stride toward my step-sister, my V, the love of my life…
Not letting her walk away, I grab her elbow. And when she turns, startled, I smash my lips onto hers.
Chapter 16
Josh
I’ve never agreed with the saying, we always want what we can’t have. It doesn’t make any sense to me. Because the thing is, I will always want her… Regardless of her feelings for me. Even if she loves me back, even if she hates me, I’d still want her every single day.
And now… I still want her even when she strikes her palm across my cheek. Even now… I still want to hold her.
I don’t regret kissing her, but I also wish it didn’t happen… The way that she is looking at me now makes me want to disappear.
Pure horror. That’s what it is. And I’d do anything to wipe that expression off her face.
“Why the fuck did you do that!” she cries out, tears streaming down her cheeks.
I can only stare at her. My limbs are numb and I can’t feel anything except cold dread…
“You disgust me,” she spits.
Disgust…
I disgust her.
Me… The brother she loved with all of her heart. Now a disgusting piece of shit she wishes she had never met.
“You don’t mean that,” I finally manage to utter.
She lets out a disbelieving sound, stares at me for a long while, still with that horror-stricken face of hers. “Can’t you hear yourself, Josh? You’re not making any sense! We”—she gestures at the space between us frantically—“are siblings! I don’t love you. Not like that,” she spits the last word with disgust.
At this point, I can’t even move my mouth to muster a response. I can only stare at her and hope and hope and hope that she didn’t mean any of it, but of course she did. She fucking meant every single word…
And as V is about to say something more, her gaze moves to something behind me, and her already wide eyes widen even more.
“Kyle…” she breathes.
I whip my head to see Kyle, standing nonchalantly with that smug face of his.
“I think you should leave now, mate,” Kyle says breezily, staring right at me. “She clearly can’t stand the sight of you. And as much as I enjoy this fiasco I don’t think I can stomach any more incest talk.”
I feel sick.
“How long have you been standing there!” V cries out alarmingly, her voice shaking.
Kyle shrugs, an amused expression on his face. “You know we all can hear you, right? You two were really, really loud.” He makes a show of shuddering.
Well fuck…
Kyle turns to me with a smirk. “Your girlfriend left by the way, probably having a mental breakdown. I wouldn’t blame her. After what she heard, I would kill myself if I was her to be honest.” He snickers.
Caitlin… I totally forgot she was here. My so-called girlfriend.
Just then, I’m reminded of how much of an ass I’ve been to her. I’m a horrible boyfriend. No, a horrible human being. I don’t deserve V’s love—or anyone’s. I don’t deserve V at all. V was right… I am no different from Kyle. I am not better than Kyle fucking Rogers.
Panic settles in, spreading inside me like cancer, paralysing me from head to toe, and I can’t do anything to stop it.
Oh, what I wouldn’t do to be gone—to not be me any more…
V looks mortified, tears running down her cheeks. “Kyle, stop! What the fuck is wrong with you! How could you just stand there and… Fuck! I can’t believe this. I… I want everyone gone. Now. Just… get them to leave, please!”
And instead of doing what she wants or at least attempting to comfort her like any sane guy/boyfriend would, Kyle fucking Rogers has the nerves to look offended. “Hey, you can’t take this out on me! You’re the one who wanted to invite everyone to this party, and when things didn’t turn out the way you—”
“Shut the fuck up!” V yells.
I watch this whole thing unraveling as if I’m floating out of my body and I can see it all so clearly now. V is sobbing harder and harder and she is shouting at Kyle—or at me—at this point I can’t really tell. It feels ike everything she says is directing at me anyway. Every hurtful word…
It’s as if I am watching a couple fight when it is supposed to be about me and her… About our kiss. Our feelings. But as soon as Kyle walked in… it became all about him and their stupid, childish quarrel that no one cares about.
Kyle shouldn’t even be here. And now V seems to have already forgotten that I am standing here… She completely forgets that this day is supposed to be all about me. The party was supposed to be for me.
And it all is just too much for me to handle. I take a step back, then two, then three… V still hasn’t noticed.
Then four, then five. V is pushing Kyle.
I take another step back. Kyle is shouting something at her.
And when it’s clear that our conversation is over and that I am no longer relevant in the situation, I turn, and I don’t look back.
Chapter 17
Violet
“You’re being a bitch,” Kyle spits, after V called him an asshole. “And it’s not even cute,” he adds bitterly.
V’s jaw hangs open. No one has ever said that to her. Not even her bitchy classmates who obviously hate her. Sure, Stacey calls her “bitch” a lot, but not with the intention to hurt her. And definitely not in the vicious way Kyle is doing right now.
Kyle Rogers… The first guy Violet has ever felt anything close to love. The first guy Violet even considered losing her virginity to. The first guy Violet would say the three magic words to, and she would mean it.
This Kyle Rogers is also the guy who won’t allow being labelled as anything—definitely not as her “boyfriend.” The guy who—when she really thinks about it—never really does anything that’s in her best interest.
He’s nothing like Josh, she can’t help but think. She quickly brushes that thought away. She can’t possibly think of Josh that way. Especially not after he…
“Where’s Josh?” Violet suddenly asks, ignoring everything Kyle just said to her. She looks around and Josh isn’t there. Where is he?
Kyle looks at her like she’s crazy. “What?”
“He was just right there!” she says exasperatedly, pointing behind her. “How could you not see him leave!”
He rolls his eyes. “Yeah, go ahead. Blame it all on me. Like, now I’m responsible for your creepy brother too?”
Violet stares at the guy in front of her with a new set of eyes, and she realises that she never really knows him at all… Because if she does, she would never have fallen for him. He’s disgusting. Suddenly, she feels disgusted by everything and everyone, and all she wants to do is erase today and start it all over again.
If she could go back, she wouldn’t force that scholarship down Josh’s throat. Then this stupid party wouldn’t happen, Kyle wouldn’t be here to show his true colours, and Josh would have shut his mouth and never say anything to her. Everything would’ve stayed the same like it’s supposed to.
But now everything is ruined and it’s all her fault.
“Don’t fucking talk to me again. We’re over. Done,” she tells him before walking away, and if
Kyle is shouting anything back at her, she can’t hear it. All she can think about right now is Josh, about what he told her—confessed to her.
Instead of taking the bus, Violet decides that she will walk home. She needs fresh air and some time to think. To be alone for a full, uninterrupted hour.
Violet is determined to talk to him at home. If he’s not already there, she will wait for him until he gets back. Yes, they need to sort this out. She will explain to him that he must be very confused to have feelings for her. Because how could he! She’s always seen him as a brother and it’s just ridiculous that he thinks there is even the slightest possibility that they could be anything more. Utterly ridiculous!
She then ponders on why it is that Josh wouldn’t just try to be with anyone else but her—his step-sister.
Well, maybe Josh just hasn’t found his person yet. Caitlin clearly isn’t the one. Violet is convinced that if he breaks up with Caitlin, he would surely find a girl for him. Maybe the reason he never falls in love with Caitlin is only because Violet is always hanging around, and that’s why Josh hasn’t been able to fully commit to Caitlin.
Next time around, it will have to be someone who is not even slightly close to her, Violet decides. Definitely not Sammie, who Violet knows to be a very nice person and who is very much into Josh. No, it will have to be someone so far out of her circle—the farthest, the better. Maybe someone from his school. Yes, that should be better for him.
Thoughts after thoughts rush through Violet’s head, but she finds herself grasping for only one: things will have to go back to normal between her and Josh—they have to.
Because her life is spiraling out of control. The guy of her dreams turns out to be just another loser. She can’t afford to lose Josh, too…
Chapter 18
Josh
All it takes is one moment. One. For me to hate her.
