“Weren’t you in Jenna’s class in school? I seem to remember you getting a scholarship to Oklahoma State.” He skimmed the crowd as though in search of someone. “Have you seen Jenna and Bridgett? They were here a minute ago.”
While Mr. Evans went off in search of his missing daughters, Gil pulled Mattie to the side. “Are you thirsty?” His throat felt suddenly dry.
“Yes, but don’t leave me alone too long.” She squeezed his hand, her fingers lingering on his.
Not prepared to deal with Jenna, he escaped to the barn where they were holding the reception. For several minutes, he stood in line at the punch table and nodded to those he recognized. He listened to the twanging chords of the guitars as a western band warmed up on a makeshift stage. When his turn finally came, he filled two plastic cups with pink punch. Then a woman held out a third cup for him to fill.
He peered up and saw Jenna smiling at him.
“I’ve been looking all over for you,” she crooned. “Mattie said she was bringing you. I’m glad you came. This party is severely lacking.”
Gil’s lip curled as he politely poured punch into her cup. “What, you don’t enjoy talking about the weather, or hearing about Farmer Jones’s cows and goats?”
Jenna groaned. “What I want is to hear about you,” she said and latched onto his arm. The flimsy, orange material of her dress brushed against his skin. “It’s been a long time, Gil. Too long.”
He managed to pull away, then picked up his cups, determined to leave the woman behind. “I’m sorry, Jenna. Mattie’s waiting for her drink. Maybe we can talk later.”
Jenna took Mattie’s cup from him and downed the punch in one long swallow. “Let’s talk now.” She licked the pink froth from her lips and set his other cup on the table.
FORTY-FOUR
“WHAT ARE YOU UP TO, JENNA?” GIL FOLLOWED HER, WARY OF HER intentions.
She led him behind the barn to a grove of cedars, away from the noise of the wedding party. “I only want a few minutes of your time. Don’t worry about Mattie. I’m sure Mother’s drilling her with a thousand questions by now.” She pulled a cigarette from her purse and offered him one, but he refused. “You should have known better than to accompany her to a wedding. My folks will tear her apart trying to find out how serious your relationship is.”
Gil searched for Mattie in the dim light, hoping Jenna was wrong. “What about you? Do they give you a hard time now that you’re divorced?” He tried not to enjoy the direct hit too much.
“They know better than to mess with me. If I get mad, I leave.” She lit the cigarette and inhaled deeply.
Her remark hit too close to home. Hadn’t Gil done the same when he and his dad fought in the past — when things became too difficult? Maybe he and Jenna were not so different after all. “You’re a bit old for temper tantrums, don’t you think?”
“You should talk. What I want to know is why you’re with my sister. She says you’re only friends. Is that right?”
Gil checked the darkening yard once more for Mattie, then felt an icy hand on his shirtfront.
“We were friends once too. Is that the sort of friends you are?” She massaged his chest in a circular motion. He remembered when she’d touched him that way before, only then he’d been a teen, thrilled by her attention. Now the sight of her sickened him. She opened her mouth and blew a halo of smoke into the air.
He glared down at her. “You wouldn’t understand what Mattie and I have.” He wrenched her hand from his shirt.
“Enlighten me,” she murmured in a husky voice and took one more drag from her cigarette before tossing it to the ground. “Help me understand why you haven’t told Mattie about us. Why you’ve never married, and why you’ve stayed away so long?” Her fingers now clutched his pants pockets.
“Do you know I’ve never forgotten that night?” She yanked him closer. So close, he could smell the heavy tang of her perfume mixed with the stench of cigarette smoke on her breath. “I’ve kept it with me, even through marriage.”
Jenna’s words shocked Gil into silence. He stared down at her face and felt genuinely sorry for her. One by one he unwrapped her fingers from his pockets. “We don’t share the same memories, Jenna. The only thing that night reminds me of is Frank’s death and how I betrayed him.”
As soon as he freed himself from her grasp, she clamped down on his fingers, ensnaring them with her own. “You don’t remember the caress of our bodies? How it felt when we made love . . . ?”
Jenna’s voice stalled in the cool night air. She slowly released her fingers from his.
Gil wondered at her sudden change in behavior. Then a twig snapped behind him. He turned and saw Mattie, her face contorted with pain and disbelief.
MATTIE WILLED HERSELF TO BREATHE, PRAYING SHE’D HEARD HER sister wrong.
They’d made love? Gil and Jenna? When?
One thought tumbled on top of the next as she realized the two of them shared a past — an intimate past. But that didn’t make sense . . . Jenna had been Frank’s girlfriend. The triumphant expression on her sister’s face told Mattie their connection ran deep.
A chorus of frogs moaned from a nearby pond as though to console her. Embarrassed to have been so gullible as to think there might have been a future between her and Gil, Mattie tried to veil her pain.
“I’m sorry to intrude . . .” She searched Gil’s face, wondering how she’d mistaken their friendship for so much more. “I’m not feeling well, so I’m going to get someone to give me a ride home. You stay and visit.”
Gil muttered under his breath, and she tore her gaze from his, desperate to get away from the image of Jenna clutching Gil.
Her vision blurred as she made her way to the barn, the loud music drowning out her thoughts. Gil caught up to her as she neared the cake table. He swung her around by the elbow, and all her hurt and anger erupted in a scathing verbal torrent.
“You lied to me,” she lashed out, wanting to pummel him with her fists. “How could you deceive me like that?”
Gil pulled at her jacket, and she struggled free of his grasp, undaunted by the scene she was creating.
“Mattie, please, give me a chance to explain.” As he wrapped his arm around her shoulders, Mattie suddenly felt all eyes on them and wondered what everyone must think — her neighbors, clients, friends, and family.
Humiliated, she allowed Gil to lead her to his truck where she could speak her mind away from the curious onlookers. Gil lowered the tailgate and removed his jacket for her to sit on.
“What is going on with you and my sister?” She practically spat the word as she swiped the moisture building in her eyes, unwilling to give him the satisfaction of her tears.
Gil picked her up and set her on the tailgate as though she were a child. He stood before her like a guard, blocking her escape. “I’m sorry you had to find out that way. I wish I’d had the courage to tell you before now. I tried, but . . .” The desperation in his voice begged her to listen, his features apologetic in the shadowy night.
“I tried to tell you on the airplane, but something prevented me from spilling my guts. Mostly fear.”
Mattie’s heart wrenched. “It’s true then, you and Jenna . . .” She couldn’t force the words from her throat.
“Yes, no matter how much I want to erase the memory, it’s true. Your sister and I . . . one time . . . many years ago. I’ve been sorry ever since.”
His words cut into her heart, and Mattie fought to keep the damage to a minimum. She had a doctorate in veterinary medicine. She healed animals daily. Why couldn’t she stop her own pain?
“It’s a secret I’ve kept hidden too long,” he went on. “One that made me run as far from here as possible. If I’d had the option to move across the ocean, I’m sure I’d have done it.”
“I don’t understand.” Her lips quivered. “Why?” Why had he kept the secret from her all this time, and more importantly, why had he been with Jenna in the first place?
“Why do a
ny of us do stupid things when we’re young?” He placed his hands on her knees, and his fingers trembled against her skirt. “I’ve gone over it in my mind a thousand times. Jealousy, contempt, greed, envy. Childish motives we carry with us into adulthood. All part of the problems I’ve had with my dad.”
Mattie worked to process his words. Jenna, envy, his father? “I still don’t understand.”
“You haven’t heard the worst, Mattie. That’s really why I couldn’t bring myself to tell you. Because when you do, you may never forgive me.”
FORTY-FIVE
GIL PLAYED OVER THE SCENE OF FRANK’S DEATH AND THE INCIDENTS leading up to Gil’s betrayal. How could he admit such detestable sins to the woman he loved? But with what she now knew, how could he not? He prayed God would grant Mattie an understanding heart able to forgive.
“I want you to know you’ve changed my life.” He clasped her shoulders, fully expecting her to shrug his hands off. She didn’t, and he found encouragement in this. “When I returned to Diamond Falls, I wanted to put an end to the pain that haunted me so I could go on with my life. I thought that meant trying to restore a relationship with Dad — visiting him, repairing the ranch. I hoped that would be enough. But it’s not.
“My past still troubles me — it comes to me in my dreams. I want it to go away. I’ve prayed for peace. It’s like a scab that grows bigger when you pick it, and I’ve been picking it for twenty years now.” Gil twisted one of Mattie’s ringlets around his finger, needing the slightest comfort.
Mattie caught his hand in hers and stilled it. “I don’t understand. Is this about Jenna?”
“Yes, and no.” He allowed the lock to slip from his finger. “It’s mostly about Frank.” He turned from her and leaned against the tailgate, unable to look her in the eyes. Instead, he stared at the distant treetops outlined in black against the faint moonlight and forced himself to continue.
“I’ve told you how Frank was good at everything — the apple of my dad’s eye. What I didn’t mention was how jealous and tormented this made me. We both liked to rope — he roped better. We both rode horses — Frank had better instincts. We both liked girls, but girls liked him more, and his favorite girl was Jenna.
“I worked hard to outrope, outride, and outwin the girls. I failed on all counts, until one night when Frank and his friends wanted to go to the rodeo grounds and drink some beer. I sensed Jenna’s frustration at hanging out with the guys and suggested she stay with me and go for a swim in the creek. The humid August temperature had all of us sweating like dogs, and Frank didn’t suspect a thing. I told him we’d meet them at the rodeo grounds once we’d cooled off.”
Gil cleared his throat, afraid if he stopped, he might not finish. The cool night air sank into his skin, and he closed his eyes, allowing it to calm him. He refused to go into detail about what happened with Jenna, not willing to hurt Mattie any more than he had to. However, she needed to know the rest of the story.
“I set the scene and one thing led to the next. Jenna and I both knew what we were doing, and we did it anyway. Then we heard the sirens.”
Mattie gasped, and he went on undeterred. “We followed the flashing lights to the accident, and that’s where I found my dead brother and held him in my arms,” Gil choked out the words. His eyes stung from the memory. “I betrayed my brother — not by accident but by a willful act — and in so doing, I failed to take care of him. I might have prevented their deaths. It could have been me driving. If I’d been with him instead of with your sister, I’d have kept the truck from rolling — from crushing them.”
He stepped away from the tailgate, away from Mattie’s scrutiny. It killed him to admit this to her, to know that she might condemn him, that he would no longer be a hero.
Not even close.
Mattie followed Gil and gently placed her hand on his back. No words were spoken, but he could imagine what she thought. How could she forgive him — trust him with her heart? If their relationship had been difficult before, it now approached disaster.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered against his shirt. “Does your father know?”
Gil closed his eyes. Of course not. How could he admit to the man he wanted to impress the most that he’d killed his oldest son? His pride and joy. Killed him and betrayed him all in one night. “He knows Jenna and I found them in the ditch. After Frank’s death, I tried to continue high school rodeo as a single contestant. I rode hard and fast and took my anger out on the calves, ruthlessly flanking them to the ground with pleasure. But even that grew old and couldn’t relieve my pain.
“I distanced myself from my family and the things I loved. I turned my attention to football, and there I found release for my anger. Dad never understood, and I never tried to explain. We drifted so far apart over the years that he couldn’t even call me when he had a heart attack in December.”
Mattie stepped around to face him. “Why do you think he called you when Dusty had his accident?”
Gil shook his head. “I don’t know. Maybe on some level he wanted to fulfill his fatherly duty.”
“Maybe it was an attempt to get back what you once shared,” she said earnestly. “Frank might have held a special place in your dad’s heart, but he loved you too. Still does, or he wouldn’t bite so hard.”
“Where does this leave us, Mattie? I know I have no right to ask . . . but can you forgive me? Can we go on as though none of this happened? Or has it caused too much damage?”
Mattie turned away. “I don’t know, Gil.”
Desperation swelled inside his chest at the possibility of losing her. He couldn’t allow that to happen.
Tell her. Tell her how you feel.
“When I came here, I didn’t have much to look forward to. My career in football was over. I had no one to share my retirement with. No wife, no family. No place to call home. I tried to compensate by putting my energy into buying an estate where I could raise horses and regain part of my past that once gave me joy. I didn’t realize how empty this dream was until I began imagining my future — without you.”
He spun her around. “I had no idea how much I loved you until tonight, when I thought I’d lost you. Tell me I’m wrong, Mattie. That we still have a chance.”
Even in the shadowy night, he could see her tears. He tried to pull her to his chest, but rather than be comforted, she pushed away.
“Do you know how long I’ve waited to hear those words?” Her voice roared. “For you to say you love me — want me as more than a veterinarian to your horses?” She poked him in the chest, reminding him of the day he first met and fell for her spunk.
“You decide to tell me now, after what I’ve seen and heard? You can’t manipulate me, Gil, just because you can’t bear to take no for an answer. How dare you be so selfish.”
FORTY-SIX
MATTIE SWALLOWED THE ANGER THAT BOILED INSIDE AND ESCAPED to the cab of Gil’s truck. She pitched herself against the passenger door, wanting to be as far from him as possible. The man had some nerve to proclaim his love for her after admitting he’d slept with her sister, even if it was a long time ago. In her mind, it felt like it happened yesterday. And it was just like Gil to rush down the field with his declaration of love nevermind how this news might affect her.
“You need time to think, is that what you’re telling me?” He joined her in the truck and started the diesel engine.
“Put yourself in my shoes, Gil. Imagine how you’d feel if I told you I’d been with Frank and had kept it from you all this time.” She hated being so callous, but he’d asked for it. “I’m sorry for what you’re going through, really I am . . . but you brought it on yourself. You made choices and now you have to live with them, and that includes having a little patience with me while I deal with this.”
Right now, all she wanted was to huddle beneath the quilt on her bed and shrink from reality. She didn’t want to think about Gil, or Jenna, or the McCray ranch, or anything.
They drove the rest of the way to the Li
ghtning M in silence. When Gil pulled up to her cabin, Mattie scrambled out of the cab, eager to be alone.
“May I come in, so we can talk about this?” He called after her, his features illuminated by the truck’s interior lights.
Mattie’s teeth clenched. “I think we’ve talked enough for one night.”
“Can I see you tomorrow?”
His question hung in the air as she gripped the handle to the cabin door. For a few lingering seconds, she considered answering him, then shut the door firmly behind her.
GIL PLODDED TO THE HOUSE, HIS HEART SO HEAVY AND SORE HE felt like he’d been tackled. After he bid Mildred good night, he approached the kitchen for a drink of water and noticed a light from his father’s bedroom. He rapped softly on the wooden door.
“You still awake?” Gil peered inside the room where his dad sat in bed reading.
“How was the wedding?” His father snapped the book closed and hid it beneath the covers, but not before Gil recognized the black leather binding and the engraved gilded cross.
“The wedding went well — the reception, not so good.”
His father frowned. “Why’s that?”
Gil debated confessing everything as he’d done with Mattie, then considered the outcome. Mattie hadn’t taken the news so great . . . perhaps his dad wouldn’t either. It might affect his health, and Gil refused to take on any more guilt. “Let’s just say Jenna put a kink in the evening.”
“She after you again? Tell her we’re not interested in selling, like I told you in the hospital.”
“Jenna doesn’t take no for an answer. She’s as bullheaded as her sister.”
The old man chuckled. “Mattie’s not stubborn — she just sees what she wants and goes after it.”
Gil wished Mattie would set her eyes on him, but after tonight, he questioned whether she would ever look at him again. He’d intended to discuss their future in California and had planned to ask her to marry him. But he’d fumbled the ball miserably, with no timeouts left in the game.
Snow Melts in Spring Page 22
