by CoraLee June
“Fine,” I said. “Then I’m not going either. We’re going to have her funeral right here.” I pulled away from his harsh grip and stood up. I felt Chase’s eyes on my back as I brushed my fingers along the friendship bracelet I wore. Violet and I made them for Christmas. Mine was full of teal and white beads, hers was pink. She was wearing it the night she died. They had found pink beads in the pig’s stomach. “Do you want to go first, or should I?”
Chase didn’t move, so I went to the edge of the water. I took off my shoes and stood with my toes in the sand, letting the water wash over them with the current. I stood there silently taking in the sunset. Then, feeling ready, I delivered my eulogy to Chase, the ocean, and Violet.
“Violet, wherever you are, I hope you can hear me. I love you so much, and I’m sorry I left you alone that night. I wasn’t there for you, and I should have been. You never should have had to go into the woods by yourself to find me. You were my best friend. You were the kind of best friend every girl should have, but I was the lucky one who got you.” My voice choked up as sadness overwhelmed me. It wasn’t fair. She shouldn’t have had to go into the woods by herself to look for me, I should have been there. I shouldn’t be saying goodbye. I shouldn’t be standing here talking to the wind. “You were beautiful, strong, and fierce. You always defended me and lifted me up in a way that I didn’t know how. You helped make me who I am. You meant the world to me, and I hope you knew how much I loved you. How much I will always love you.”
I took off my bracelet and gave it a gentle squeeze and a kiss. I whispered, “I love you,” and reared back and tossed the bracelet, watching as it soared into the water. Chase got up and joined me. He reached for my hand and clasped it tightly. The waves immediately swallowed it whole, like a beast claiming its bounty. It was sudden and poetic. Damning.
Chase cleared his throat and wiped away tears from his eyes.
“Violet. I’m so sorry. I should have been there to protect you. I would give anything to do that night over again. I would have gone with you, and you would still be here. I’m sorry for being so shitty. For all the stupid fights over nothing. For scaring away the boys you liked. For telling everybody at school that you wet the bed that one time. I’m sorry for not being a good brother. You deserved better.”
Chase couldn’t hold back anymore, and sobs racked his body as he fell to his knees on the sand. I kneeled down on the sand with him, wrapping my arms around him as best I could.
“Chase…” I half whispered. “It’s not your fault.” I held him tightly, trying to soothe him. In that moment, time felt like nothing but a passing reminder of our loss. It was a strange sensation. A strict contract for our grieving souls, signed in blood. They say tragedy was like rope, binding people together tighter than happiness ever could. I knew that Chase and I would always share this trauma. We’d always share this debilitating loss.
“Breeze,” Chase whispered. His thumb reached out and pressed against the corner of my mouth where a stagnant, salty tear was perched on the top of my lip. I blinked, making more tears fall. I didn’t think it was possible to cry more, yet somehow they kept coming. “Will you help me find out who killed her? I need you. I need you so much.”
It was such a tragic fate. I always wanted Chase to need me. I wanted to be the air he breathed, and now that need felt twisted. “I’ll help you,” I promised. I wanted to know just as badly as Chase what happened to my best friend. I didn’t feel like I could move forward until I knew.
Chase grinned a sad, brief grin. His bright teeth peeked through the curtain of his lips like hope. Like a sunrise on a fresh day. “You’re always there for me, Breeze.” Chase leaned in closer, and I felt my breath catch. I was stuck in this numb plane of pain, but his nearness stirred to life something that made me feel ashamed and alive all at once.
His lips brushed along my jaw as he whispered, “We’re in this together. You and me.” He leaned forward and kissed the tender spot of skin beneath the lobe of my ear before dragging his teeth along my pebbled skin.
I looked up at the sky. This was wrong. So wrong. I felt locked in his grip. Relieved by his touch. Awakened by the whispered promises he coaxed over my skin. “What do you need from me?” I asked, my voice shaky and full of lust that made me sick to my stomach. This was unacceptable. Somewhere across the island, Violet was being lowered into the hard dirt. Her parents were crying over a hole in the ground with white roses clutched in their fists.
“I need you to get close to Kai, Breeze. I need you to find out what happened that night.”
I blinked, forcing more tears to fall. “What?” I asked while pulling away slightly.
Chase reached out and grabbed my chin, squeezing slightly until pain bloomed where his calloused hands touched me. “I need you to get close to Kai. I need you to find out what he did. I know it was him. I just know it.”
I stared up at the tortured boy with glassy eyes. His dry lips were parted as he waited for my answer. “How? How do you want me to do that?”
Chase looked off to the right before staring back at me. “He gave you a ride that night, didn’t he? He has to at least care a little. Get close to him, however necessary. We have to do this. For Violet.”
I swallowed. I wasn’t expecting this, but the pain in his voice made me want to do anything for him. I wanted to smooth the lines on his face with my thumb. I wanted to kiss away the tears now freely flowing down his cheeks. I wanted to swallow his painful words with my mouth and internalize them.
“Okay,” I promised. I would have done anything for Chase at that moment.
Relief washed over his face, and the manic look in his eyes dissipated with my agreement. He threaded his fingers through my hair and leaned into my forehead.
“I knew I could count on you, Breeze,” he whispered softly. “Breeze,” he repeated slowly as he brought his lips to my forehead and kissed me gently. He kissed me again and again, trailing kisses down my face, toward my mouth. As soon as his lips brushed mine, he was transformed. He parted the seam with his tongue and ravaged me. All traces of tenderness gone. He claimed what was his and tasted me greedily.
Using the hand that was still wrapped in my hair, Chase pulled down, exposing my neck. He tore his mouth from mine, licking and biting as he explored the curve of my neck. Small moans escaped my lips every time his teeth dragged across my skin.
“Tell me you need me,” Chase commanded, his voice thick with lust.
In my haze of desire, I didn’t answer fast enough. He pulled my hair harder and repeated himself.
“Tell me you need me.”
“I need you, Chase. I need you,” I whispered.
Satisfied, Chase released my hair and traced my neck down past my collar bone and to my breast. He moved his thumb across my nipple, over the silky fabric of my dress. My dress. The dress that I chose to wear to Violet’s funeral. Chase’s sister’s funeral.
“Chase. Stop,” I breathed, snapping him out of his frenzy. He looked confused for a moment, but then the realization dawned on him.
“I have to go,” he said. “I need to be at the reception for my parents.”
“Go. I’ll catch up.”
I didn’t know how I felt or how I was supposed to feel. I’ve wanted Chase Jones for as long as I can remember. But I had always envisioned us going on double dates with Violet, making out by a bonfire at a beach party, and surfing together.
I never imagined that grief over Violet’s murder would lead us to our first kiss.
I got dressed for school with a pounding head and exhaustion in my soul. My parents refused to let me spend another week wallowing. I’d already missed a month of school, and even though my teachers sent my work home so I could stay on track, the school was eager for me to return. I couldn’t do distance learning forever.
I never caught up to Chase. I couldn’t stand going to Violet’s funeral reception with his taste on my tongue and a sick fire between my thighs. Instead, I went home and sobbed in my pillow,
and I didn’t stop until Mom walked up to my bed and slipped under the covers beside me. I never told her what had happened. I couldn’t even speak the words out loud. She said nothing, just stroked my cheek and cried with me. I didn’t deserve her kindness. I was a monster.
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
Kissing Chase was the worst thing I could have done. At first, I gave us both excuses: we were hurting, he didn’t know what he was doing, I was lost in emotion, we were sympathetic friends seeking comfort. But none of those excuses made what we did right. I kissed my dead best friend’s brother. And I hated myself for it.
I dreaded going to school. I couldn’t imagine walking down the halls without Violet at my side. I didn’t want to sit in Mrs. Zeeler’s English class without her twirling her hair and sitting at the desk next to me. I didn’t want to take notes, knowing Violet wasn’t there to steal them from me to copy later. I didn’t want to complain about the lunch lady without Violet picking at her salad. I didn’t want to see Chase at his locker without Violet there to pester him.
I didn’t want to do much of anything without my best friend.
But time was a heartless bitch. It moved on without care. The island gossiped and spread rumors about her death, but they still went about their day. Routines were picked back up. The sun continued to pulse like the broken heart in my chest.
My sandals slapped against the tiled floor as I moved down the hallway, making my way toward my locker. I kept my head down, ignoring the whispers as much as I could.
Do you think Kai did it?
I heard Breeze just left her at that party.
Celeste said Breeze left with Kai. Think they were fucking while she was murdered?
I opened my locker, and a fresh wave of tears sprung from my eyes when I saw the pinned photograph on the inside. It was a picture of Violet and me sunbathing on the beach. She looked calm and at peace, the sun wrapping her in light. I had a wide grin on my face, my cheeks pink from the sun. I remembered that day. Dad was surfing with some locals, hoping to drum up some business. We went to watch. “You okay, Breeze?” a warm voice rasped at my back. I grabbed my geometry textbook and spun around to greet Chase.
He looked about as good as I felt. His hair was tousled and his shirt wrinkled. The bags under his eyes made me feel like shit. We hadn’t spoken since the kiss. I wasn’t even sure what to say. How could we possibly move forward after what happened? I wanted—no, needed—to be there for him. I just didn’t know how.
“Not really,” I replied.
“I called.”
“I’m sorry. I’ve been…”
“Avoiding me since the funeral?” Chase answered for me. He never did beat around the bush. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t in the right headspace.”
I nodded, knowing this was coming. This was the part where we both admitted that the kiss was a mistake. We were hurting and leaned on one another for comfort. “It’s okay,” I replied. I had a list of excuses piled up in my mind, ready to be spewed to save us both the embarrassment of admitting to what we’d done. However, Chase spoke before I could get them out.
“It’s not okay. I didn’t want our first kiss to be like that…”
I snapped my attention back up to him and bit the inside of my cheek until blood coated my tongue. First kiss? He had been thinking about it? What did that even mean?
“Listen,” Chase said while leaning closer, “Kai has been hanging out at the rock garden. I was wondering if you could go talk to him. You know? Like what we planned. It’s a public place, so he won’t try anything.”
I nodded.
“Do you really think it was Kai?” I asked, immediately regretting my question the moment it left my lips. Chase’s icy gaze blazed with anger.
“Who else could it have been? Kai was annoyed with her. Those two were always fighting. Always. She probably pissed him off. I know some shit about Kai…”
“What? What do you know?”
Chase exhaled and looked around before answering. “He’s involved in a local gang. The Devils. His brother deals drugs. He’s no stranger to violence.”
My eyes widened. I knew Kai was involved in some shit but didn’t know it was to that extent. How could Chase let Violet date him if he knew this? “So why are you sending me in? If he’s so dangerous, why do I have to get close to him?”
Chase softened. “I’d let nothing happen to you, Breezy Baby. I want to go with you. You’ll never be around Kai without me watching. I just feel like he’ll tell you. He’ll open up to you.”
“What makes you so sure?” I asked.
Chase frowned and stepped closer. “I just do. I’ve seen him staring at you. Watching you. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately.” No. Certainly he was wrong. Kai and I were friends, a byproduct of his relationship with Violet. We spent time together, but there was never any doubt over our friendship. He was head over heels for Violet.
“I just don’t know, Chase,” I whispered.
“I’ll keep you safe, Breezy. I won’t let anyone hurt you. We just have to try, okay? Can you do this for me? I’ll protect you. I promise.”
I nodded, but Chase had misunderstood my hesitancy. I wasn’t worried that Kai would hurt me; he seemed innocent. I wasn’t sure about getting closer to him under false pretenses. My gut was telling me that Kai wasn’t the murderer. He wouldn’t hurt me, would he?
“You won’t go without me, right? After school, we can head out there.”
“Yeah. Sure,” I replied half-heartedly. I felt like I was humoring him. It wasn’t Kai. It couldn’t have been.
So who was it?
I couldn’t bring myself to think too much about it. When I thought there was someone capable of murdering Violet, I completely broke down. It was all too fresh. I couldn’t handle it yet.
“Good,” he said, leaning down to give me a quick kiss on the top of my head before walking off in the opposite direction.
I didn’t believe that Kai killed Violet. I think it was easier for Chase to have someone to fixate all of his energy on than it was to sit back and do nothing. But if Kai murdered my best friend, he probably wouldn’t be too happy with me lying to him and playing amateur detective. And he definitely wouldn’t enjoy seeing Chase with me.
The plan made me uncomfortable, and I wished I hadn’t agreed to it. But this was important to Chase, and I wanted to help ease his pain. I also didn’t want Chase going with me. If I would find answers, it would be on my own terms. Chase didn’t have to know. I swallowed my anxiety and headed for the parking lot instead of geometry. I would not be able to concentrate on finding the area of a pyramid anyway, so may as well go talk to Kai now.
The rock garden was just a brief bike ride away. Nothing on the island was really that far from anything else. It was usually deserted because, even though the waves were choice, the rocks behind its namesake were sharp and unforgiving. Wiping out there could easily result in a trip to the emergency room.
I figured the rock garden was my best shot at finding Kai. After fifteen minutes of paddling off my nervous energy, I was rewarded with seeing his silhouette paddling out into the ocean. This time, I wasn’t going in after him. Falling here would be like getting dragged along concrete, and I would not take that chance.
I waited for Kai on the beach, watching his impressive skill. Most of us who were born here knew our way around the ocean, but he was undeniably a master of his craft. Kai was what the locals called an Aggro. He was an aggressive surfer, taking chances most of us wouldn’t, like surfing the rock garden. He had the competency to back up his questionable choices, and watching him surf was like watching an artist work.
Kai paddled back up onto the shore and lifted his board from the water. He started walking in my direction. The closer he got, the more his displeasure at seeing me was apparent.
“Go away, Breeze,” he growled.
He pushed past me without even slowing down. Snatching up the faded blue towel on the sand, he started drying himself off. Something in
side me stirred, watching him work the towel over his well-defined muscles.
“I just want to talk.”
“Well, I don’t,” he snapped at me.
“I thought it might help to talk about her,” I said gingerly, not wanting to upset him any more than I already had just by being here.
“Do you think I don’t know what they’re saying about me? It’s all anybody can talk about. Didn’t you hear that I killed my girlfriend?” he yelled. The anger, hurt, and pain rolled off him like the waves in the ocean. I stared at the rocks and the foam as the harsh water collided with their sharp peaks. The temperamental swells seemed deadlier today. I wasn’t sure if it was Kai’s angry energy or my own new awareness of mortality that amplified it.
“Kai. I just want to talk,” I begged over the roar of the waves.
“Go home, Breeze. If you want to talk about your fucking feelings with someone, find Chase.”
I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment before grabbing his Funboard. Fuck this. I just wanted to feel something. I wanted to ride a wave and ignore the pain swirling in my gut. Kai called after me as I stripped out of my shirt and started running toward the crashing waves. I paddled hard, my muscles burning as I made my way to the perfect point for an epic ride.
I didn’t want to talk about my feelings. I didn’t want to be here. I didn’t want to exist in a world where Violet wasn’t living, breathing, and driving us all crazy with her spontaneous attitude. I didn’t need this right now. Mom used to tell me that rotted planks couldn’t hold up a house, and I was in no position to save this boy. Not when I was barely coping myself.
I noticed a huge swell starting to crash toward me. I was so caught up in my defeat and sadness that my pop up was too slow. My feet weren’t planted in the right position, and I had no control over the board. I was too stunted to ground my feet and ride like I’d been doing my entire life. Rookie mistake. “Breeze!” Kai screamed as the force of the wave collided with my back. I got caught in the pressure of it, my body getting dragged down, down, down. It was a weightless feeling. My limbs tumbled and rolled, and I didn’t know where my board was. It wasn’t until I collided with a sharp rock that the pain truly started.
