by CoraLee June
Breeze was in and out of consciousness for the next few days at the hospital. When she was awake, she was heavily medicated. She didn’t make much sense, each slurred sentence she forced out was about Lex and Violet. It made me burn with regret every time her eyes widened in shock at seeing me, as if she couldn’t believe that I would want to be here for her. I stayed with her the entire time. It was my fault she got taken, not to mention she was heartbroken. I was going to spend every minute trying to make it up to her. If she would even still have me after breaking my promise not to leave her.
Chase came to the hospital every day after school, and I found myself actually looking forward to his visits. After that first day, we stuck to lighter topics like surfing, the weather, and island gossip. We weren’t friends by any stretch of the imagination, but we were crossing over into acquaintance territory, and I was finding that when he wasn’t being a total asshole, Chase Jones was a good dude. A funny dude. Yesterday, he told me how crazy old Mr. Schmidt ran through the street in his underwear, chasing after his escaped pug. Both of us had to step outside of Breeze’s room to keep from waking her up with our laughter. I got the feeling that it was the first time either one of us got to feel normal in weeks—maybe even months.
Breeze woke up on day three, refusing the sedative pain medication. Instead, she asked if she could have something that wouldn’t knock her back out. She had healed enough, though I saw the burning pain in her eyes. The police wanted to question her and were patiently waiting until she was well enough and coherent enough to figure out what had happened that night. Chase and I had both answered all of their questions here in the hospital, and I knew they had asked the nurses to let them know as soon as Breeze woke up.
“You’re really here,” Breeze said to me. Her bright eyes seared me with a look of distrust that I felt in my soul. “You don’t have to stay. I’m feeling better today.”
I opened my mouth to argue, but a knock on the door made me pause. “Miss Shirley? It’s Detective Rodriguez. The nurse said you were awake, can we talk?”
Breeze gave me a sad look before answering him. “Come in.”
Detective Rodriguez swept his eyes over Breeze and let out a low whistle. “I’m sorry this happened to you, Breeze. How are you feeling?”
“Like a maniac stabbed me and beat the shit out of me before trying to light me on fire,” Breeze deadpanned. She sounded strong and defiant, her eyes blazing with anger that had nowhere to go. Lex was dead. He suffered from the flames he built, but there was no justice to be claimed from a dead man.
Detective Rodriguez pulled out his iPad and started typing. “Let’s dive right in then, huh? I’ll get your statement, and we can be done with this once and for all. Well, until your father’s trial, that is.”
Breeze went into a long explanation of what had happened. Detective Rodriguez seemed surprised that Lex had been hiding right under their nose in a vacation home on the beach. But I couldn’t help but feel nauseous. I should have known that Lex wouldn’t have left. He was resourceful and scrappy, good at hiding in plain sight.
And when Breeze started talking about what Lex said, my blood boiled. All of this happened because Violet thought Lex would tell on her. All of this happened because Brian and Violet were in the wrong place at the wrong time. So many things had to happen to get us to this point that it made me sick. And when Breeze was done telling her story, Detective Rodriguez shook his head and locked his iPad. “You’ve been through a lot, Breeze. I hope you have a very peaceful, uneventful rest of your life. I’m so sorry this happened and that Lex wasn’t found sooner. I’ll be sure to document all of this so we can end this chapter. If you have any questions or remember anything else, please give us a call.”
Detective Rodriguez started walking toward the door but paused. Spinning around, he turned to face me, then addressed Breeze. “Did you happen to see Lex when Chase Jones carried you out of the burning building?”
My chest constricted. I could have saved Lex, but my decision to leave him there to burn was one I refused to regret.
Breeze let out a sigh. “I couldn’t really see anything. The smoke was too bad. We had to get out of there.”
Detective Rodriguez nodded. “Right. Have a good day.”
When he left, I exhaled in relief. It was done. It was really done.
Well, almost. There was still one last thing to do. “Why are you here, Kai?” Breeze asked. Her voice was hoarse, and her eyes were heavy. I could tell that she needed to rest again.
“I’m here because I love you. I’m here because I can’t push you away anymore. I’m here because being away from you is no longer an option. I’m here because I need to see you and touch you. I need to make sure you’re really okay and that you’re safe. Go to sleep. We can talk more about this later. I’m so sorry, Breeze. I’m so fucking sorry. I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”
Breeze’s eyes filled with tears, but none fell. “You said that last time,” she whispered. Ouch. Fuck. Yeah, I deserved that.
“I mean it this time,” I replied, feeling like a dick. I’d do whatever it took to convince her. “Go to sleep. I’ll be here.” I leaned in and grabbed her hand, aching for any physical touch she’d give me. I needed reassurance that she was still here with me.
Breeze
Everything hurt. There was a soreness in my soul that refused to let up. My mother kept commending me on my strength, and it made me realize that brokenness was a matter of opinion. Even though the world saw me as a survivor, my mind was a toxic place that kept reminding me of the feel of Lex’s blade sliding into my thigh. The brute force of his fist against my cheek. The helpless way I accepted death. I felt like a dying bouquet of flowers. I felt like a beautiful arrangement of trauma. I didn’t know how to process it all. Lex. Violet. My father. The trauma of being kidnapped. Kai’s distance. Chase’s pain. My mother’s devastation. I didn’t know how to be whole again. Every painful event that led up to this moment stole a piece of me, and I didn’t know how to claim those optimistic sides of me back.
Today was the first day I’d woken up without Kai by my side. Five days I spent healing in the hospital with Chase and Kai. Five long, painful days. I was expected to be discharged today, and I hated how my heart sank with the pangs of disappointment when I didn’t see him sitting in that uncomfortable hospital chair, peering at me with love and praying for forgiveness. We talked some, most of the time Kai just said sorry over and over. I wanted it to be enough, but there was still a hollowness in my soul. I wasn’t in a healthy space mentally to accept it and move forward. I needed more time to process it all—without the fuzz of pain medication dulling my thoughts and without the bruises on my body and soul.
Maybe promises were just temporary dreams we clung to out of guilt. “He had his brother’s funeral today,” a tender voice said, answering my unspoken thoughts. Chase was packing my belongings in a suitcase and smiling at me. “You should be discharged in an hour or so. He wanted to be here but felt obligated to attend the funeral.”
I thought back to Kai telling me about the promise he had made to his mother, that he and Lex would always be together. I hated Lex, but I understood why Kai needed to go to the funeral.
“I understand,” I told Chase. “I’m starving, can we grab food on the way home? Hospital food is for the birds.”
“Now you’re speaking my language,” Chase chuckled.
“Am I interrupting?” my mom asked as she knocked softly on the doorframe. She didn't wait for us to answer before coming in, waving a stack of papers in the air. “Are you ready to go home?”
We kept saying home, but we all knew that we meant Chase’s home. My mom and I were still staying there. We didn’t want to go back to our house, and Chase liked having us. We were our own little makeshift family.
After my father’s arrest, my mom tried to get a hold of Chase’s family. She tried for days and was finally able to get through to Chase’s mom. It turned out that they had rented a cottage
in Italy for the foreseeable future. My mom failed to keep the disdain out of her voice when she asked if Chase knew about that. She gave Mrs. Jones an update on Chase’s well-being, even though she didn’t ask for one. Then my mom asked if it was okay that we were staying in their home. She said it was fine and then hurried my mom off the phone to go sailing. After the conversation had ended, Mom physically slammed down her phone and walked out of the room to cool down.
My mom wanted to take the afternoon off to help get me home and settled, but a four-vehicle crash came in by ambulance a few hours before I was supposed to be discharged. I told her to stay and help. I was probably just going to fall asleep anyway.
Mom went over the paperwork with Chase and told him which medications to give me at what times. Another nurse came in with a wheelchair. I rolled my eyes, thinking there was no way I needed that. I had been walking to the bathroom on my own just fine. We only made it about fifteen steps outside of my room before I gave in from the pain and let my mom push me the rest of the way to the car.
“Take good care of her,” my mom said to Chase. Then she turned to me and said, “Don’t be a pain for Chase. I love you both, and I’ll see you later tonight.” She gave us both hugs and helped me into the car before heading back into the hospital.
It wasn’t until I was sitting in Chase’s car that the reality of it all hit me. Kai and I weren’t on good terms, but he had been there for me at the hospital. I was absolutely certain he had a lot to process with the death of his brother and my involvement. It didn’t sit right with me that he was alone for his brother’s service. “Penny for your thoughts?” Chase asked.
“Do you think Kai is alone at the funeral?” I asked.
Chase started his car, and a cool blast of air-conditioning hit me in the face. “I don’t think Lex had many friends. I’m sure a lot of his business associates are trying to distance themselves from him as much as possible.”
“It feels wrong,” I whispered. “I’m happy Lex is gone. I’m thankful that the bastard is out of my life,” I whispered. I’d felt a lot of anger about what had happened to me. Mom wanted me to go to a therapist, and once things had settled a bit, I probably would. But my anger didn’t take away from my love for Kai. I might not have been able to fully articulate my forgiveness, but it didn’t eradicate how much I cared for him. Love wasn’t something that just disappeared. My feelings for Kai were always there. Even when he hurt me. Even when he was distant. Kai had my heart whether I liked it or not; I just had to come to terms with what that meant. I hated the idea of him sitting all alone, mourning the last bit of family he had. I knew better than anyone that regardless of a person’s humanity—meaning their mistakes—there was still love when they were gone. There was still loss.
“You want to go to the funeral?” Chase asked softly, already reading my thoughts. He sounded surprisingly kind, and there wasn’t a hint of judgment in his tender gaze.
“Think I’ll look weird showing up in athletic shorts and a tank top?” I asked while looking at myself.
“I think you could show up naked, and Kai wouldn’t care. Let’s go, Honeybum. Kai needs us.”
“Us, huh?” I asked with a teasing smile. The stretch of my lips made the bruises on my face sting.
“Yeah, yeah. The asshole is my friend too. Let’s go take care of him and shit,” Chase said. My eyebrows shot up in surprise. They were friends now?
The ride to the funeral home was bumpy, and every jolt of Chase’s sports car made my body jerk, though I tried to steel my face so as not to show how pained I really was. I knew Chase would happily drag my ass home if I was hurting. But our mission was deeper than cuts and bruises. Kai had a festering wound that needed time. This was a wound that needed the support of those who loved him most. And I knew there was no way in hell I’d let Kai do this alone.
When we pulled up to the funeral home, Kai was sitting on the front steps, cradling an urn. He wore his usual uniform of board shorts and an unbuttoned shirt. His hair was a wild mess, and he stared at the ground, lost in his own world. He didn’t drag his eyes away when Chase pulled to a stop right in front of him. He didn’t blink when I slowly got out of the car and shuffled my way to him. He didn’t even look up when I called his name.
“Kai?”
“What am I supposed to do with his ashes?” Kai asked. “I don’t want them in my house. Mom is buried, but…” Lex was cremated by chance, not by choice. “I don’t really know him well enough to even know what he would want. He didn’t surf. Didn’t like the ocean much. He liked titties, cocaine, and Jack Daniels. I don’t even want this,” Kai said while looking down at the urn in his hands. I shuffled my weight from one leg to the other, and the move drew Kai’s attention to me.
“Fuck, Breeze. What are you doing? You need to sit down.” Kai handed his brother’s remains to Chase, who looked like he wanted to toss it at a nearby concrete wall. Chase’s lip curled, but he tried to remain neutral. He’d grown so much. “Are you okay?” Kai asked.
“I’m fine. Why don’t we go to Chase’s house, okay? We can find the right resting place for Lex.”
Kai scoffed. “If I could find a gate to hell, I’d toss his ashes there.”
I let out a sigh. “I know it’s hard,” I whispered. It was difficult to do this. The hurt part of me—the part still burning with so much anger and fear—wanted to agree with Kai. But this was his brother. This year has taught me that, in the end, we aren’t a collection of the things we’ve done wrong. We aren’t even a collection of the good, either. We’re just souls traveling through time. Trying to survive. Trying to find love and meaning and happiness. We’re all just temporary blips on a big, spinning sphere. Lex was fucked up. He did really bad things. But grief wasn’t one-dimensional. Despite the many opinions from experts and the books and the steps you were supposed to take, grief was fluid. Everchanging. It didn’t have to make sense. Death was one of the few places where hate and love could shake hands and have appreciation for one another.
“Okay,” Kai whispered. “Let’s go.”
The three of us sat at the kitchen table, staring at the metal urn in the middle. My head ached, my body craved rest. The three of us ate takeout in silence, staring at the remains of the man that almost took me from this world and was partly responsible for Violet’s demise.
“Did you go anywhere fun?” Chase asked. He’d been surprisingly patient throughout this entire ordeal. I didn’t expect him to help Kai. Especially considering the connection Lex had to Violet’s death.
“Not really. Once Mom died, we didn’t have time for fun.”
“What about before she died?” I asked.
Kai took a bite of his fried catfish and chewed it while thinking over his answer. “There, uh, was a park. Mom used to take us to it. I think the city tore it down though.”
“What park?” Chase asked.
“The one off Main and Third.”
“No shit? Violet, Breeze, and I used to go there too. We’d spin on the tire swings,” Chase said excitedly, making Kai’s face fall.
“I suppose it wouldn’t feel right spreading his ashes there, since you and Violet used to go.”
“Nonsense,” Chase replied. “That was before all this.” Chase gestured to the urn by way of explanation. “Before my sister dated fucking he-who-shall-not-be-named. Before your brother became a fucking drug lord psychopath. Before Breeze saw me get my dick sucked by Celeste—”
“Please don’t remind me,” I teased. Chase was obviously trying to lighten the mood, but Kai tensed. I hadn’t exactly told Kai that I saw this, but there was no going back now.
Chase chuckled before continuing. “All I’m saying is, the park seems like the perfect place. It weirdly connects us all. It reminds you of a happier time with Lex—before he became a murderous psycho. We all went there when we were kids. When we were naive and innocent and thought we could fly on the swing set.”
“Let’s go,” I said.
“What, now?” Kai
asked. He looked shocked, like he wasn’t quite ready for such an easy solution.
“Yes. Let’s put Lex to rest and unburden you from the weight of his ashes.”
We piled into Chase’s car, the guys letting me lean on them to support my leg and taking great care to help me slowly settle in the front seat. Chase navigated us to where the park used to be, but it was a nail salon now. He swung his car into a parking spot and ran over to my side to help me out of the ridiculously low passenger seat. We all slowly headed to the back of the salon for some privacy.
Kai had a faraway look in his eye. “One time, Lex brought me here without Mom. We rode our bikes. It started raining, and we ended up standing under the pavilion, counting lightning strikes. I remember just waiting for one to flash across the sky so that we could add it to our total.”
I could tell that this was one of Kai’s only good memories of his brother. I felt an enormous amount of sadness watching him struggle to come up with even that. I didn’t have any siblings, Violet and Chase were the closest things I had, and my childhood memories with them overflowed with laughter and love.
“I think that’s how you should try to remember your brother. Remember him as the boy who you counted lightning strikes with,” I said as I wove my fingers into Kai’s.
“Yeah. I think that would make Mom happy,” he said as he unscrewed the top of the urn. There weren’t really a lot of options for sprinkling his ashes in the concrete jungle that was the strip mall. Chase jogged off for a moment and came back just as fast.
“There’s a place that I think will work,” he told us.
We followed him back around the corner, and off to the side, there was a small patch of grass with a lone tree. Kai opened the urn and sprinkled the ashes onto the grass near the tree. “Wherever you are, Lex, thank you for the lightning strikes.”
