by Brad Meltzer
When the door opened, Nathan walked into the room. “My friend, you are going to be thrilled with me,” he said to Ben as he hung his jacket in the closet. He put his briefcase on the coffee table and sat down next to Ober. “Thanks to yours truly, you are now going to pass the marshal’s ever-alarming lie detector test.”
“And how’s that?” Ben asked.
“Well, let’s just say that I made a number of phone calls today, and I was able to get everything we need to beat the test.” Nathan opened his briefcase and pulled out a single sheet of paper. “I spoke to some of the technicians in the security division and they explained it all. First and foremost, you’re right about the test not being admissible in court.”
“I know,” Ben said curtly. “They’ve never been admissible.”
“What’s wrong with you?” Nathan asked.
Ober looked at Ben. “It’s nothing,” Ben said. “I’m just nervous about it. What else did they say?”
“This is the way the test works,” Nathan said, consulting a sheet of paper. “When you first walk in, they almost always have the machine set up in the middle of the room. They try to make it look imposing since the theory is that most people will confess because they’re so terrified of the machine. They then ask you questions for at least an hour before the machine is even hooked up and turned on. On average, this is where most people crack,” Nathan said, looking up from the paper to accentuate his point. “They said that the shadow of the box is enough to intimidate the average criminal.”
“Hey, Ben’s far more than average,” Ober said. “He’s at least in the ninetieth percentile of criminals.”
Ignoring his roommate, Nathan continued, “The machine itself measures three things: respiratory rate, blood pressure, and galvanic skin response, which is the skin’s response to electric current. Lying usually has a positive correlation with sweating, so the machine picks up your sweat levels. Not that you’d have any problem with that.”
“Just tell me how to pass the test,” Ben said impatiently.
“Relax,” Nathan said. “After the hour of questions, they’ll hook you up to the machine. And when they attach it, the machine will take baseline readings of your breathing and respiratory levels. This is the place where the undereducated always try to cheat the machine. They’ll try to breathe heavy and fidget around—doing anything they can to convince the machine that their heart rate is higher than it actually is. But the guys in security said that a good machine operator will easily recognize this and will quickly account for it.
“After the initial adjustment, they pull out a deck of cards, and they ask you questions about the cards. This is just to convince you that the machine works. Then they ask you three questions, and you’re supposed to answer no to each one, even if the real answer is yes. That’s how they see if you’re lying. They ask if you’re over the age of twenty-one, if you smoke, and if you’ve ever done anything you’re ashamed of. After that, finally, they ask you a maximum of three questions about whatever it is you’re accused of.”
“And that’s it?” Ben asked skeptically.
“That’s it.”
“But what about the way it works in the movies?” Ober asked. “Where you see the suspect getting grilled with dozens of questions while the needle thrashes across the scrolling paper.”
“Doesn’t happen in real life,” Nathan said. “In the real world, it can only test the truthfulness of three statements in a session.”
“So how does that help me?”
“Ah, I’m glad you asked,” Nathan said, reaching back into his briefcase. He pulled out a small brown medicine vial and threw it to Ben. “Those’re the pills that I told you the military uses to beat the tests.”
Ben read the label on the vial. “Prynadolol?”
“It works,” Nathan said. “You’re supposed to take one pill as soon as you wake up in the morning, and if your test is after three o’clock in the afternoon, you should take another pill at lunch.”
“How did you get these?” Ben asked, pulling off the cap to see five pills inside.
“I told the technicians that my younger brother had to take a lie detector test for his job in the mall. When they heard that, they just offered the pills to me.”
“How do they work?”
“They’re supposed to moderate your heart rate and blood pressure,” Nathan explained. “Doctors usually give them to people who have recurring heart attacks, and politicians use them to beat stagefright, but the military realized that they could put them to much better use.”
“Are these experimental or are they FDA approved?”
“If they were approved, everyone would have access,” Nathan said.
“So they’re experimental,” Ben said.
“They’re fine,” Nathan said. “Do you really think they’d give me something that was potentially dangerous?”
“I think it’d be cool if they were dangerous,” Ober said. “Then you’d grow an extra nostril in your forehead and we could sue the government for billions.”
“Or maybe it’d cause me to grow a brain,” Ben said. Looking back to Nathan, he continued, “Now tell me how this helps me pass the test.”
“It doesn’t guarantee you’ll pass,” Nathan said. “It significantly increases your chances, but it’s still primarily up to you. While you’re in the room, you have to be as calm as possible. Don’t fidget and don’t get nervous. The technicians said that if you’re a good liar, you should do fine. If you’re a bozo, you’ll probably freak out and fail regardless.”
“Oh, man, you’re dead,” Ober said to Ben.
Ben put the vial in his pocket and stood up from the couch. “I’m going to make some pasta,” he said coldly. “Anyone else want some?”
“Hey, you’re welcome,” Nathan said, making a face.
“I’ll say thank you if I pass the test,” Ben said, heading to the kitchen.
“What the hell is that supposed to mean? What’s wrong with you anyway?”
“I just want to be sure I can trust you about these,” Ben said. He turned around and looked directly at Nathan. “I mean, they’re not placebos, are they?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Ben, don’t accuse—” Ober began.
“No, let him finish,” Nathan said, standing from his seat. “Accuse me of what?”
“Well, today I got a phone call from Rick, who said that he no longer needs my help. Apparently, he already got a Court decision from someone else.”
“And you think I’m the one that gave it to him?” Nathan asked, his voice rising with anger. “Have you thought about your little friend Lisa, or is all the blood that was once in your brain still being used by your dick?”
“I actually did think it was Lisa,” Ben shot back as he returned to the living room. “And when I called you so that we could talk about her, I had an enlightening conversation with one of your office mates, named Andrew. He was telling me all about the briefcase microphone that we were supposed to use during our first meeting with Rick. He told me how great they work, and how wonderful they are, and how they pick up everything. So you can imagine my surprise when I realized that I hadn’t heard a single word about this marvel of technology.”
“And now you think I’m the one who’s in on it with Rick?” Nathan asked, laughing.
“I’m not joking,” Ben said. “Look at the facts.”
“The facts show nothing!” Nathan yelled. “And beyond that, have you even thought about actually asking me why we didn’t use the briefcase mike?”
“And I suppose there’s a perfectly logical explanation.”
“Of course there is. The briefcase mike is a prototype, and regardless of what Andrew said, it works like crap. The leather muffles the sound, and you can’t hear a thing. The only reason we have it around is because everyone likes the idea. I just figured that we might as well go with equipment that works—I’m crazy like that.”
“And I’m supposed to believ
e that?”
“Believe what you want,” Nathan said. “But that’s the truth.”
“Nathan, let me tell you something,” Ben said, pointing a finger at his roommate. “I know you. I probably know you better than I know myself. And if you even had the chance, just the possibility, of using a briefcase that concealed a microphone, you’d grab it in a second and bring it right to us, even if it hadn’t ever worked.”
“And how do you figure that?”
“Because I know you love to show off. And I know you love to strut like a peacock when you have something no one else has. You would’ve loved walking into Lisa’s with that briefcase mike—you’d have looked like Q from James Bond. And even if you couldn’t get it to work, you’d have brought it home just to show us you could. I mean, think about it logically. Any of us would’ve loved to show off with that thing. But now you want me to believe that not only did you not want to bring it home, but you didn’t even think it was worth mentioning? Please, Nathan. You’re way too competitive and your ego’s way too big for me to believe that you’d ever keep it quiet.”
“Are you done?” Nathan asked calmly, his arms crossed in front of him.
“I think so.”
“Then you can go fuck yourself, you paranoid little piece of shit! I busted my ass to get you that equipment! I risked my job by lying to everyone in my office, and I drove myself crazy trying to figure out a way for you to get out of this nightmare. But when you have the gall to accuse me before you actually even speak to me—well, you can ride the Hindenburg alone. I know you’re in a tough situation, but I have better things to do than take abuse from you.”
“Listen—”
“No, you listen! This thing has made you absolutely insane. And the fact that you accused me and not Lisa shows me that you’re not only way beyond reason, you’re also only a few beats away from the nuthouse. When you regain your senses, I hope you’ll have the integrity to apologize.” Nathan turned away from his roommates and walked out of the living room. As he approached the stairs, he turned around and added, “And when he and Lisa shatter your existence, just know you’ll be sweeping up alone.”
When Nathan was out of sight, Ben remained silent.
“You shouldn’t have accused him like that,” Ober said. “That was dead wrong.”
“What was I supposed to do? No matter how I started, I knew we’d wind up in this position.”
“Still, there are better ways to pick a fight. Some of that stuff you said is unforgivable.”
“I don’t want to hear it,” Ben said. “If Nathan were in my position, he’d have done the exact same thing.”
“Y’know, Eric said the same thing to you when he wrote his story. And just like Nathan, you told him to fuck off,” Ober said. He got up from the sofa and moved toward the stairs. “Pretty eerie, huh?”
“So are you going to take the pills?” Lisa asked, sipping coffee at her desk the following morning.
“Of course I am,” Ben said, flipping through a Michigan Law School yearbook. “What choice do I have?”
“You can decide not to take them.”
“And I can also decide to fail the test,” Ben said. “Even if they have no effect, I might as well take them. It’s not like they’re mini-cyanide pills and they’ll kill me.”
“How do you know what they are? They can contain anything: cyanide, No-Doz, truth serum—”
“That’s enough,” Ben interrupted. “I’ll take my chances, thank you.”
“I’m serious,” Lisa said. “Who knows what Nathan gave you?”
“You don’t believe that. You’re just mad because I told you he was the one who suspected you.”
“Of course I’m mad about that. Screw him.”
“C’mon now—be nice.”
“Be nice?” Lisa asked. “You want me to be nice? You’re the one who spent last night alienating your closest friends.”
“Thanks for pointing that out. I had almost gone a full two minutes without thinking about it.”
“I’m surprised they’re still letting you live there. If I were them, I’d have thrown you out on your ass.”
“It definitely wasn’t happy town at breakfast this morning. Eric, Nathan, Ober, and I were all eating at the same time and no one said a word to anyone else. If someone wanted more milk or more napkins, they just pointed at them. It was like living with a family of mimes.”
“If you want, you can stay at my place for a while,” Lisa said.
“I appreciate the offer. But if I’m home, I can keep an eye on things.”
Lisa took another sip of coffee. “Have you ever thought that you might be wrong? That your friends really aren’t against you?”
“Of course I have,” Ben said, looking up as he turned a page of the yearbook. “Why do you think I couldn’t sleep last night?”
“So…?”
“So I keep coming back to one idea: What if I’m wrong? As soon as I ask that question, I’m back where I started.”
Nodding, Lisa motioned toward Ben’s reading material. “Does anyone look familiar?”
“They look familiar in the sense that everyone looks like a boring lawyer. But beyond that, nobody looks like Rick.” Ben closed the yearbook. “It’s hopeless—he’s gone, and I’m lost.”
“Don’t say that. Pick up the next book and keep looking.”
“I don’t even know why I bother,” Ben said, opening another yearbook. “This plan is ridiculous.”
“Listen, don’t put all your faith in the yearbooks. If you find him, great. If not, we’ll find him when someone at Grinnell decides to sell. Besides, finding Rick should be secondary at this point. If you fail that lie detector test, you’ll have bigger problems than Rick.”
“I’ll pass the test.”
“Suddenly you’re so self-assured?”
“I’m serious. The average person fails the test because they’re terrified of the machine.”
“And naturally, you’re much more competent than the average person,” Lisa said.
“I am. I may be scared shitless, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to let a silly piece of machinery intimidate me. If the machines were so great, they’d be admissible in court. Until then, they’re obviously beatable. Besides, the nature of being a lawyer is arguing what you don’t necessarily believe.”
“But you’re not a lawyer. You’re a clerk.”
“Did I pass the bar exam?” Ben asked. “I’m a lawyer.”
“You’re terrified is what you are. Whenever you get scared, you start acting like a pompous ass—as if that’s a solid form of defense.”
“Okay, maybe. But I still know that I haven’t done anything wrong. Rick tricked me out of that first opinion. I didn’t give it to him intending for him to use it to make money. I was a pawn. A fool. A knave. In my wildest dreams, I never thought Rick would use the information for personal gain. I thought I was speaking in the closest confidence. So if anyone is the victim here, it’s me.”
“That’s a nice speech,” Lisa said, applauding. “You should write it down somewhere.”
“And why’s that?”
“Because if you fail that test tomorrow, you’re going to need it for the opening arguments of your dismissal hearing.”
After work, Lisa and Ben left the Court, walked up First Street and made a right on C Street. Passing the Dirksen Senate Office Building, they saw a band of young Senate staffers empty onto the sidewalk, all of them dressed in tan overcoats and toting leather briefcases. Ben counted the months until spring, when the sun would shine again. Although it hadn’t snowed for a week, the leftover slush, blackened from automobile exhaust and other pollution, covered Capitol Hill with a filthy winter veneer. Ten minutes later, the two clerks reached Sol & Evvy’s Drug Store, the oldest operating pharmacy in the entire city. “Are you sure they have it here?” Ben asked, opening the door that was covered with peeling white paint.
“I’m positive,” Lisa said as she walked inside.
In the small, cramped store, sun-faded maps and decade-old advertisements decorated the walls. “It smells like my grandmother’s house,” he said.
“This place is historic,” Lisa said as she headed to the back of the store. “Have some respect.”
“Trust me, I love places like this. Where else can you find expiration dates that match your birthday to the year?”
“You have to take a look at these maps,” Lisa said as she pointed to the walls. “I don’t think a single one lists Alaska or Hawaii as states.”
“I believe it,” Ben said. “The one near the front door didn’t even have the Louisiana Purchase on it. Ah, those thirteen states of ours.”
When Ben and Lisa reached the back of the store, the pharmacist behind the counter rose from his rusted metal folding chair. “What’s your ache?”
“Just her,” Ben said, motioning to Lisa.
“We’re okay, thanks,” Lisa said. She pointed to the free-standing blood pressure machine next to the counter. “Here it is. I told you they had one.”
“Do you really think this’ll work?” Ben asked, handing his overcoat and suit jacket to Lisa.
“How should I know?”
“Do I have to get undressed for this?” Ben asked, already rolling up his sleeve.
“Read the directions.”
After glancing at the paragraph of directions, Ben pulled a quarter from his pocket, unrolled his sleeve, put his arm into the cuff, and inserted the coin in the machine.
“You can do it over your shirt?” Lisa asked.
“According to the directions.” Suddenly, the cuff tightened around Ben’s arm. Breathing deeply and remaining silent, he waited as the cuff slowly loosened. A set of red numbers appeared on the screen of the machine: 122 over 84.
“Crap,” Ben said.
“What are you normally?”
“One twenty-five over eight-five. The damn pills had almost no effect. My heart rate’s the same, my pressure’s the same. I’m a dead man.”
