by Lea Kirk
Now they were not only alone but they also had a free evening. K’rona had insisted upon it, and promised only to disturb them if a new case arose.
She caught her lower lip between her teeth. What would Nick expect from her? What did she expect from him? The palpable tension between them was tempting, sensual, and she did want to explore that more. But, sooner or later he would want to know about her past, things she had never intended to share with anyone. Not even Yukiko knew about the choices she had made, what she had done. How would Nick react once he found out?
Nick carried the steaming mugs into the living room area. “Green tea for you, my lady.”
She accepted the mug. “Domo.” What was past could stay there. She valued his companionship—the way he looked at her—too much to risk telling him.
His thigh brushed hers as he sat, then he raised his mug. “To all our recent victories, especially today’s.”
“Yes.” She tapped her mug to his and took a sip. Perfectly brewed. He was getting good at this.
He slipped his arm along the back of the couch behind her. Tension gripped her shoulders. This was it. What was she going to do?
Nick set his mug on the table, then leaned closer and tilted his head to stare into her eyes. “Who was he, Saku?” he gently asked.
Oh, no. She held his steady gaze and swallowed. “Who?”
“The man who…hurt you?”
A clawed hand seemed to close around her stomach. This could not be happening.
“He did more than that, I’m guessing,” he said.
She lowered her gaze to stare into the depths of her mug. It was only a guess; it had to be. There was no way he could have figured it out. Even if he thought he knew, she did not owe him an answer. But, every time he talked to her with that caring tone, called her Saku, she melted just a little.
“You are not alone anymore, Saku. There’s no reason for you to carry those scars anymore. Let me help you.”
Why was he insisting she talk about it? How could she tell him anything when thinking about it made her stomach hurt? This was not something she wanted to discuss, not now. He was putting too much pressure on her. She set her tea on the table and fixed him with a stern glare. “No one hurt me, Nick. There is nothing wrong.”
He did not believe her, she saw that much written all over his face. If she did not leave quickly, there would be no escape. Even now the truth welled up inside, eager to betray her desire to keep it locked away.
She pushed herself off the couch and clenched her fists so hard her nails dug into her palms. “You do not need to ‘fix’ me, Nick. I am not broken.” She turned and stalked toward her room.
“Where are you going?”
Was it so difficult to figure that one out? She pushed her door open. “Good night, Nick.”
Chapter Fourteen
Nick released a sigh and slumped against the back of the couch. That was not how he’d pictured the conversation, or the rest of the evening, going. Clearly, he had touched a nerve, which only confirmed his suspicions. Some worthless son-of-a-bitch had used her. It might take a while, but he would find out who, and then he’d hunt him down and seek retribution on her behalf.
He would have to move slowly from now on until she came to him of her own free will. Pressuring her would kill any chance of cultivating a long-lasting relationship. For now, all that mattered was that Saku’s door was shut tight, and would be for the rest of the evening. Guess it was time to give it up and call it a night. If he was really lucky, no one would come pounding on the cube door to announce a new case of the illness before morning. He levered himself off the couch and shuffled toward his room. Time for a shower and then call it a night.
Ten minutes later he slung a pre-warmed towel around his hips, and stepped out of the bathroom, rubbing his dripping hair with a second towel.
“How did you know?” A small, pain-laden voice jerked his gaze to the woman curled in his reading chair. Saku had pulled her legs up and rested her forehead on her knees, her hands tightly clasped around her legs. The white of her knuckles told him she must be squeezing them together pretty hard.
“Um, Saku?”
“How did you know?” Her voice was so low he strained to hear her words.
That was a dicey question, but one he’d expected he’d have to answer eventually. And she deserved an answer. “Random things you’ve said or done.” He lifted his shoulders in a shrug. “For a long time you didn’t let me touch you unless there was no other choice.” The only man she’d never shied away from was Dante. Could that be because Dante was older, more a father-figure than a younger man like him would be?
She peered up at him, her red-rimmed eyes damp and puffy. Then she nodded in a resigned sort of way that indicated she’d already figured it out on her own. “I was sixteen when the Anferthians attacked.”
“You don’t have to tell me.” Giving her an out seemed like a good idea. The last thing she should feel was pressure to confess anything.
“No,” she said. “You have every right to know. It was five in the morning, and I had spent the night at my best friend’s house. We lived in a small village in the mountains. The closest city was Nagano, and that was miles away.” Her fingers fluttered. “Sorry. This probably does not mean anything to you.”
“No, but it does sound pretty remote.” Which was probably why she was alive. The Anferthians had hit heavily populated areas hard, wiping out all they could. Most of the Terrian prisoners had come from small towns or villages.
“It was.” Her gaze seemed to focus on the wall behind him. “The main ship did hit the village, killing many, but they did not do as thorough a job as they had on Nagano, Tokyo and other larger cities. The ground patrols came to collect survivors days after the main ship passed overhead. By then my friend, Yukiko, and I were in the mountains. Her parents had told us to run, so we did.
“We hid there, and met people from our village and other nearby villages. We formed a camp, a lot like your Camp One, I think. That’s where I met….”
Her gaze dropped to her hands, and a sharp ache welled in his chest. Patience. She had to continue doing this on her own. If he interrupted, said or did anything, he would take that free choice from her.
“That is where I met Kenji,” she whispered.
Nick’s jaw tightened. Kenji. The mother-fucker’s name was Kenji. Keeping his mouth shut now was infinitely more difficult. Almost as difficult as not punching the wall.
“He seemed nice enough, at first. Made himself our ‘protector’. Since we were only sixteen-year-old girls, and he was twenty-one, we were enamored by him. We loved the attention he gave us, and he never crossed the line. Not once. Then, one night, at least a month after the invasion, I went into the bushes to relieve myself, and he…followed.” A small, high-pitched sound eeped out of her.
Nick curled his fingers into a fist at his sides. Shit, shit, shit.
“He told me how lucky I was he would do this for me. That no one would ever want me because I was plain.”
Jesus, fuck. He would find this Kenji bastard and shred him for what he’d done to this beautiful woman. By Matiran law, which had been conveniently adopted by Terr years ago, a rapist could be brought to justice by the males in the woman’s family. Saku didn’t have any living male relatives to carry out this sentence, but she did have him, and he was more than capable of delivering justice. “Where is he now, Saku?”
“He was killed five days later by an Anferthian patrol.”
“Do you know that for a fact? Did you see his body?”
She met his gaze. “I was there.”
Apprehension quivered in his gut and he drew his brows together, frowning. This would make it infinitely more difficult to exact the revenge he’d planned.
“Five days after he started using me, he took me on patrol with him. He would not let me out of his sight because he was afraid I would tell someone what he was doing.” She huffed a dry l
augh. “I would not have, I was too scared because he told me if I did it would be my word against his. He also threatened to hurt Yukiko too.
“We discovered a patrol of six Anferthians.” She shook her head. “No, that’s not exactly right. I discovered them and hid behind a bush. Kenji was busy with his gun, not paying attention when they found him. He fought back viciously, and the Anferthians quickly decided he was not worth the trouble to capture. I waited until I was sure he was beyond help, then came out from my hiding place. I wanted to see his eyes as they ended him. I wanted him to know I had not run away, and I was not going to do anything to save him.”
Nick’s heart lodged in his throat at the thought of tiny Sakura Yamata walking up to a double patrol of Anferthians in full blood-lust. “They could have killed you, too.” The Anferthians called it shredding, and that was what happened, literally.
“They could have, but they did not. And, if they had, I would not have cared.”
I care. But he bit back that response to hear the rest of her story.
“Kenji begged me to save him, but I spat on him instead. I think that had an effect on the Anferthians because their commanding officer turned me around and studied my face. Somehow he knew what Kenji had done to me, I saw it in his eyes. Then, he said, ‘A pain for a pain. Make his last moments linger,’ to his soldiers in Japanese. He turned me back and made me watch.” Her eyes had gone distant again. “I did not look away once. I never knew it could take so long to kill a man.”
God, she was back there in her mind, seeing that memory play out again.
Sakura shook her head and met his gaze. “After that, the commanding officer took me into his personal custody. We traveled to a slave ship, the one I told you about, in India.”
Nick released his breath in a long gust and ran one hand through his hair. “Thank you for telling me, Saku.”
“There is more.”
He blinked. “Okay.”
Sakura unfolded from her defensive position on the chair, feet on the floor, elbows holding up her slumped form over her knees. She looked…defeated.
“The Anferthian officer was High Linguist Dryas Jasan, and he was a dissenter. He brought me to a Matiran Healer being held on the slaver. She discovered I was pregnant and I was given the choice of continuing or ending the pregnancy.” She sat up straight as her expression turned fierce, her hands covered her belly. “No child of mine was going to be born a slave.”
The depth of sorrow in her dark eyes told him her decision still haunted her, and what a horrible choice for a sixteen-year-old to have to make. While she had been making life-altering choices, he had been whining how unfair it was to be stuck with the power to heal with a touch. God, he was such a self-centered ass.
Even knowing Kenji was dead, his fingers itched to choke the life out of him. Over the years, Nick’s personal beliefs had become aligned with the Matirans. Yes, there were down sides to a matriarchal society from a male’s point of view, but a number of the gender-related problems that had once been commonplace on Terr no longer existed. He loved his home-world, yet he had changed as much as it had.
His gaze took in every centimeter of her face. “He was wrong you know. You are without a doubt the most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes on.”
Pink blossomed on her cheeks, and tears brimmed in her eyes again. “I am tired of living with this burden, Nick. I know there is something you can do about it, a method of healing I have heard about but have not learned yet.”
“Anagas namis, the process of reorganizing traumatic memories. Dante did it for Gryf once. It’s not about wiping out the memory, but relocating it so it can no longer dominate your life, even at random intervals.” Very few healers could erase memories, and he wasn’t one of them. Which was fine. That wasn’t something he ever wanted to be able to do to another person. “There are some things about it that might change your mind, though.”
She shook her head. “I doubt anything could, but tell me anyway.”
How was he going to explain diorga to her? It wasn’t exactly an easy process to go through since it involved giving up control to gain control. She wasn’t going to like that. Then, again, this particular memory had dominated and defined her life for so long, maybe she really would be okay with it.
“All right. Let’s do this in your room. You’re going to be exhausted afterward and will need to sleep. I’ll explain on the way.”
Her even, white teeth caught her bottom lip for a brief moment. “Do you want to change back into your clothes, first?”
He glanced down at towel still wrapped around his waist. Of all the stupid things…. “Yeah, that’s a good idea. Be right back.”
He ducked back into the bathroom, redressed in record time, and returned to his bedroom. Sakura still sat in the chair, looking down at her tightly clasped hands in her lap. Her imagination was probably not doing anything to help comfort her.
“You ready?”
She shrugged, then nodded. He extended his hand to her. Her gaze seemed to rivet on it, then she slowly slipped her hand into his.
~*~
A tremble stuttered down Sakura’s spine as she lowered herself into her tub. Steam rose from the water’s surface and she inhaled deeply through her nose, seeking comfort in the swirls of lavender-scented moisture. Nick had insisted she take a hot bath to relax before they started, and she could not argue with him. Especially after he had explained that she would have to willingly and fully give up control over her memories in order to gain back control over her life. How was she going to do that? She slipped down until her head was submerged and silence filled her ears. In reality, she had not been in control for seven years, and she wanted it back in the worst way. Enough to allow Nick access to her memories.
She broke the surface, swiping her hands over her face and hair before stepping from the tub. This would be okay. After all they had been through together, and the compassion he had shown during her confession earlier, she trusted Nick in a way she had never trusted anyone before. Their work with the dissenters had strengthened their relationship beyond mere friendship or the magister-disipula bond. It was difficult to imagine working with any other healer besides him. Including Magister Dacian, who had earned her trust more easily than any man had since the occupation. Hopefully turning down Nick’s suggestion that Magister join them for this healing had not been a mistake. Waking him up so late in the evening did not seem fair, and she felt more comfortable leaning on Nick for what would certainly be a disturbingly intimate procedure.
By now, Nick should be finished meditating. She toweled her hair and body, wrapped her confidence around her along with her pink silk robe, then stepped from the warm comfort of the bathroom and into her room. The pleasant scent of incense reached her nose, and the lights were dimmed. A small thrill of excitement and apprehension tingled in her belly.
“Are you ready?” Nick asked softly from where he sat cross-legged on the floor next to her bed.
The words stuck in her throat, leaving her with no choice but to nod. After all these years, it was time to be free of Kenji once and for all.
Nick rose from the floor and gestured toward the bed with one hand. If a man’s hands could be considered beautiful, then his could be described that way. Long, slender, and gentle, yet strong enough to cast away the years of pain inside her.
“Go on and make yourself comfortable, Saku,” he told her, his voice smooth as the surface of a reflecting pool. “Let me know when you’re ready.”
She did as he asked, sinking into the softness of her mattress and adjusting her robe. Then she gazed up at Nick standing at the bedside. This was it. She was going through with this, no matter what. “Okay. I am as ready as I can be, I suppose.”
Reassurance shone in his eyes. “You may feel like you’re in a trance. You’ll be able to hear throughout. I’ll tell you want’s happening before I do anything, that way nothing will be a surprise.” Nick’s hand came to rest on
her forehead, warm and calming. “Pas.” Peace.
The soft music of his Gift flowed into her and she accepted its comfort. Her own Gift fluttered to life like it sensed his presence, and her eyelids drifted closed.
“Can you hear me, Saku?” Nick asked. She tried to nod her head, but was not sure if worked. “Good.”
Ah, she must have managed, even though she did not feel her head move.
“You’ll feel the pressure of my mind against yours,” he said. “Try not to fight it, it won’t hurt you. I won’t hurt you.”
Sure enough, the pressure came, gentle but firm. She forced herself to relax and open her mind to him. And then, he was in, an alien presence in her mind. Was this what Alex felt with her husband? The temptation to push Nick out was strong, but she could be stronger than her natural instinct.
“You’re doing fine,” Nick’s voice soothed. “Now, Sakura, offer me the memory.”
How much of it would she have to relive? Why had she not thought to ask that before they started? She took in a deep breath, releasing it slowly as she turned her attention to the moment she had first discovered she was not alone in the bushes. The hand gripping her upper arm, hard enough to leave bruises. Another hand clamped over….
What had she just been thinking about? Something…frightening. Bad. Why could she not remember? Then she saw herself, but it seemed like it was from someone else’s perspective. An image of the soft curve of her cheek, beautiful. The sassy way she would speak, endearing. Working to solve the Anferthian dissenters’ crisis, incredibly intelligent. A small gasp slipped between her lips. This was Nick’s memory, how she appeared to him through his eyes. The only woman he wanted to be with for the rest of his life.
Something wet seeped from the corners of her eyes. He had placed his memories of her in her mind.
“I will remove them, if you want,” he murmured. “I just thought you might appreciate knowing.”
