by Naomi Niles
Every day is a rough day when you’re pretending, I thought. “No, it was fine. I’m going to shower now if you’re not going to.”
He grinned. “I’ll just take one with you. The pizza won’t be here for forty-five minutes…”
“No, I just need a minute to decompress,” I told him.
“If the day was fine, why do you need to decompress?”
“Dylan, please…”
“Fine, whatever.” He picked up the remote and switched on the T.V.
I got up and went to take my shower. He lay down on the couch. I couldn’t for the life of me understand what either of us were doing. He acted as miserable as I was. While I was alone in the safety of the shower – in the bathroom that still had no door – I resolved that we had to have this talk and we had to do it tonight. We were both wasting our lives.
When I finished and got back out to the living room, I found him eating pizza. I sat down next to him as he handed me a piece. I sat it down and said, “Dylan, we need to talk.”
“About?”
“I can’t keep doing this.”
“Doing what?”
“Jesus, Dylan! Do you not see how ridiculous this relationship is? You’re twenty-five years old. All you do is eat and watch television. I’m twenty-four and all I do is work and watch you eat and watch television. What kind of life is this?”
I saw something of the old Dylan flash in his eyes. He took a long drink of his Pepsi and then he said, “So, let me get this straight. When I was riding in the rodeo and partying and having a good time, you were miserable. Now that I’m not riding in the rodeo and not partying and having a good time, you’re miserable. So, the only common denominator is me. I make you miserable no matter what I do.”
“Do you love me, Dylan?”
“What?”
“You heard me. Do you love me?”
“Of course, I love you, Amber. I’ve loved you since I was a kid. It’s not me. I still want you. You turn me down every time I try and get close to you. I think the question is do you love me?”
I had to really think about the answer to that one before I spoke. I could tell by the look on his face that my hesitation hurt him and I didn’t like that, but we had to do this. Finally I said, “I’ve loved you since I was a kid, too. But…”
“Here we go.”
“Listen, Dylan. Please,” he didn’t say anything, so I went on, “But I don’t like you when you’re drunk and high and making threats to my sister and mean, bitter comments to me-”
“I haven’t been drunk or high for almost three months and you still haven’t let me touch you.”
“I wasn’t finished. I don’t like the guy who just sits around the house all day and rarely showers or puts on a shirt, either.”
“I’ve been riding bulls since I was eight, Amber. It’s what I planned on doing with my life. I didn’t go to college and short of working on a ranch for shit wages, I don’t have any skills. I’m good at it rodeoing. Good enough that I have enough money in the bank that I don’t have to rush into finding a job. I’m adjusting to being home all the time and being sober – it doesn’t happen overnight. They told me in rehab that I wasn’t going to stay sober if I continued to live the same lifestyle and hang out with the same people. I’m doing what they told me, and I thought what you wanted, Amber. I thought you were being honest when you said you wanted to see me through this…”
“I was being honest, and believe it or not, I am proud of you. I’m also relieved because at the rate you were going, you were going to end up getting hurt or hurting someone else. I do hope you did it for you, too, and not just for me.”
“It was for you at first, but yeah, I’m glad that I did it for me, too, now.”
Sadly, he was right. He did everything I asked and I’m still not happy. I know why, and I also know that I won’t ever be happy if I walk around with a heavy conscience. “Dylan, there’s something I haven’t been honest with you about and maybe that’s the problem. Maybe I’ve just been looking for ways to blame you for my unhappiness when it’s really me.”
“I have a feeling I’m not going to want to hear this.”
I had a feeling he was right. “I’m sorry, just know that up front, but the truth is that I’ve tried to feel differently and I just can’t. I think that I’m in love with someone else.” He looked like I kicked him in the gut, but not necessarily surprised. I guess when you factored in that he and I hadn’t had sex for about four months, it wasn’t a hard conclusion to come to.
“Who?”
“That doesn’t matter.”
“It does to me.”
“The point is that I didn’t set out to fall in love with someone else, but it happened and now I don’t know what to do about it. I assumed for so long it would be you and me forever…-”
“It still can be, Amber. Are you sleeping with this guy?”
“Not anymore. I saw him while we were separated.”
“You cheated while I was in rehab?”
“That’s not fair, Dylan. It’s not cheating when we’re separated. I’ve never cheated on you and since the day I moved back in with you, I haven’t even seen him.” That was because he hasn’t shown for his appointments, but Dylan didn’t have to know that. I hadn’t had any plans on continuing my affair with Kyle while I lived with Dylan. I just didn’t have that in me.
“Okay fine, whatever. You moved back in with me, that has to mean some part of you still wants to be with me, right?”
“Some part of me will always want to be with you. But it’s not fair to only give you part of myself.”
“If you’re not still seeing this other guy, then what’s to keep us from getting back to where we…shit…not where we were when I was being a drunken ass, but before that, when you wanted me and we were happy?”
“I don’t know if we can do that.”
“Are you willing to try? Amber, I was willing to change my whole lifestyle for you. Are you willing to at least give me a chance to make you fall in love with me again?”
I was looking into his eyes – the same pair of eyes I fell in love with and have been looking into for almost nine years. I had told Kyle that I owed it to Dylan to at least try, and I meant that. But since Dylan’s been home, I hadn’t been able to get Kyle off my mind. The question in my heart is if it be fairer to leave Dylan alone and allow him to find someone who loved him with their whole heart or stay with him and hope that eventually my feelings for Kyle would fade. Maybe it was only a crazy, mad attraction and if he’s not in front of me five days a week, I’d get over it. I wished I knew.
Meanwhile, Dylan was sitting here looking at me and waiting for an answer. The Dylan I had lived with for the past five years would have never done that. He’d be going off on me by now – more proof that he was trying to change.
“Okay, Dylan. If you still want me, I’ll put in as much effort here as you are and I’ll stop living in the past.” He smiled and opened his arms. I moved into them and I could feel his heart slamming into his chest as he held me. He loves me…and I love him. Kyle was just a distraction when Dylan and I were going through a hard time… I hope.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
KYLE
“Okay, Kyle, keep your head really still, honey. Here we go…” I’m lying face down on a cold table and I’m wearing a mesh mask the radiology people made out of a mold of my head. They left the spot they wanted to radiate open and they once again shaved hair off my head and tattooed little dots for the laser to point at. I’m considering just shaving it all off. That’ll make it easier the next time someone wants to poke and prod at my skull.
At least this was painless…virtually. The position is uncomfortable and my scalp tingles a little bit, but there’s no pain like after they cut me open or stitched me up. It’s quick, too. The only real pain in the ass is that I have to do it every day for twenty-eight days straight. Except the weekends, I get those off. I’m on Wednesday of the second week of treatment.
&nbs
p; That first week I argued with my sister. I wanted to refuse it. I was just so sick of it all. But she made some valid points – the best of which that I don’t really want to die before I’m thirty, or go blind, or be unable to walk. So, here I am. Sarah had won again. “Okay, Kyle, that’s it.” The tech came over and helped me off the cold table and took off my helmet. “Are you doing okay?”
“Great.” As far as the radiation was concerned, I was doing okay. The rest of my life, I was still kind of figuring out. I’d always been so in control of everything that this was new to me. I think Sarah’s constant nagging made me that way. If I was on top of everything, she didn’t have anything to nag me about. Now, with these daily trips to the radiation clinic and the fatigue that comes afterwards, I was getting behind on the work I was doing at home. And then, of course, there was Amber. I couldn’t stop her from running through my head every five minutes all day long or inserting herself into my dreams at night. I was as horny as hell, but that wasn’t even the real problem… I didn’t just miss the sex, I missed her.
“Are you still going to your physical therapy?” the tech asked me as I slipped on my jacket. It was like she was reading my mind.
“No, I’ve come a really long way and I know how to do all of the exercises at home and I’ve been doing them. With doing this every day, there’s not a lot of time left to do that, too.”
She raised an eyebrow. “Does the doctor think that’s a good idea?”
“Yeah, he signed off on it,” I lied. I couldn’t see Amber every day and not want her. This was the only way for me to get over her.
“Okay, but make sure you keep up the exercises. That spot where you fell is still healing…”
Jeez, every woman in my life is so bossy. “Thanks, I will.”
I went out into the lobby and found Sarah, the bossiest one of them all. Kimber was with us today, and she ran up and put her arms up to me. “Kimber, Uncle Kyle can’t pick you up…” Sarah was still talking when I swung my niece up into my arms. “Kyle Cloud! Put her down; you’re going to fall.”
I just rolled my eyes at her and walked outside with Kimber in my arms. I was doing all this shit to stay alive. I was not going to stop living.
*******
“Is it okay for you to have beer?” We’d just sat down in a corner booth of the Electric Cowboy bar.
“Jesus… You and Sarah really have been spending too much time together, haven’t you?”
“I’m just asking.”
“I can have a beer; stop nagging me like an old woman.”
“Fine, check out the cowgirl at the bar.” I looked in the direction he was leering. There were two girls at the bar. One of them was in an outfit that looked like she should be in some sleazy rap club and the other one had on a short denim skirt a ruffled beige blouse and a pair of cowgirl boots. She had long, dark hair and even though I couldn’t see her face, I’d have to say I would do her. At this point, a knothole might even do.
“She’s hot.”
“Go talk to her.”
“Not yet, we just sat down.”
“Man, what happened to you?”
“Let’s see, brain tumor, surgery, therapy, woman who wanted her ex-boyfriend instead of me…”
“Wah! Wah! Stop whining about how shitty your life is and do something about it.”
I stood up and looked at Greg. “Fuck you.” I heard him laugh as I made my way up to the bar. There was plenty of space, but I chose to insert myself in between the two girls. “Excuse me, ladies. Can I have a glass of ice water?” I asked the bartender. I was facing the brunette, and her face was just as hot as the rest of her. The first thought I had was that she favored Amber. I mentally kicked myself in the ass. “Are you ladies having a good time tonight?”
She looked me over and smiled. “Not bad so far,” she said.
“Good,” I gave her a smile of my own. “I’m Kyle.”
“What’s wrong with your head?” Fuck! The ghetto chick behind me. I should have known she’d be a cock-block. I turned towards her with the smile pasted on my face and said,
“Brain surgery.”
“Really?”
I laughed. “Would I lie?”
“It looks all red and irritated…like bugs or something.”
“Valerie! That’s rude!” The cowgirl was sticking up for me. That was nice, but I’d lost my burst of confidence. I grabbed my water and looked back at the pretty one.
“Have a good night,” I told her. I took the water back to our table avoiding Greg’s eyes and the feeling that the girls were staring at the back of my head and wondering what kind of bugs I have. “Hey, asshole,” I said to Greg as I sat down. “You said you got the hair back there to cover my bald spot.”
“Did they really say something, man?” he looked incredulous and shot the girls a mean look.
“Stop looking at them. Yes, the ghetto princess pointed it out. She says it looks like I have bugs.” His lips twitched, but he caught himself.
“Turn around, I’ll fix it.”
“You’re not putting your hands on me out here in public. I’ll keep my head to the wall, thanks.”
“Come on, man. Not all women are going to be assholes about it.”
“It doesn’t matter. I’m not in the mood for it tonight, anyways.”
“Kyle-”
“Let it go.” The waitress brought our beer over and by the time we finished it, I saw Greg gawking at a blonde a few tables over with her friend. “Go talk to her,” I told him. He grinned.
“Thanks, but I don’t need any encouragement. I’m just waiting for her friend to…and there she goes. I’ll be back…maybe.” I rolled my eyes and watched Casanova make his way over to her.
“Excuse me…” I looked up into the pretty hazel eyes of the cowgirl with the rude friend. “I’m sorry to bother you. I just wanted to apologize for my cousin. She’s from back east and they talk different to people back there. Half the time she doesn’t even realize how rude she’s being.”
“It’s really okay,” I told her.
“It’s really not okay and I’m really sorry. I hope you have a good night.”
“What’s your name?”
She smiled. She was really pretty. “Callie.”
“Can I buy you a drink, Callie?”
She sat down. “Sure, I’d like that.”
“Are you from Dallas, Callie?”
“Austin originally,” she said. I waved the waitress over. “I came to Dallas for school. I got offered a job right after I graduated, so I stayed.”
“What do you do?”
“I’m a legal assistant. I start law school next fall.”
“Oh, wow, that’s cool.” I never used to be picky, but lately, I appreciated a girl who had a brain. Maybe I was finally doing what my sister spent the last ten years telling me to do…growing up.
“Yeah, my dad’s a lawyer and I’ve always wanted to be one. What do you do?”
“I’m an architect.” The waitress came over, and Callie ordered a beer and I ordered another one.
“That’s cool. Can I ask you a personal question?” Callie asked after the waitress had left.
“Sure.”
“Were you serious about having brain surgery?”
“Yeah, I had a tumor.”
“Oh wow… God, I just feel so bad about my stupid cousin.”
“Please don’t. It really is fine. The spot back there now isn’t from the surgery. I’m having radiation treatments because it was growing again.”
“Oh my goodness! Is it cancer?”
“No, it’s benign.”
“I’m so sorry,” she sounded so sincere. I smiled at her again.
“It’s really okay. Let’s talk about something else, something fun. No more tumor talk.”
She laughed. “Okay, no more tumor talk. What do you do for fun, Kyle?”
For the next hour, we talked. She was an only child and liked to ride horses and race dirt bikes of all things. She was smar
t and funny, and for the first time in months, an entire hour passed that I didn’t think about Amber. I had no idea where Greg had gone and I didn’t care. I was the object of a beautiful woman’s attention – a thing I needed very badly. I’m not sure where her “rude” cousin went either, but it was the Ghetto Princess that finally interrupted us. “Callie are you ready to go?”
She looked at me and back at her cousin. “Um, yeah, give me a minute. I’ll be right there.” The cock-block gave me a disgusted look before she walked away. I guess it was the “bugs.” “Wow, I don’t know what her problem is…”
I laughed. “Don’t apologize for her again,” I told her. “I’m glad she shared you with me for a little while.” I winked at her.
“Me, too.”
“Can I get your number, Callie? Maybe we could have dinner or something sometime?” I got the feeling from talking to her that she wasn’t the kind of girl who was going to come home with me tonight. As much as my cock objected to that, I appreciated that there were nice girls left in the world.
“I’d like that,” she said, “Can I see your phone?” I handed it to her and she put her name and number in it. “Text me in a bit and then I’ll have yours, too.”
“I will. Thanks, Callie.”
“Thank you, Kyle. It was nice to spend some time with a guy who wasn’t falling down drunk and trying to paw me.”
The old Kyle sneaked in for a second. “You don’t like being pawed.”
She stood up and grinned down at me. “It depends on who’s doing the pawing,” she told me with a wink. I’ve still got it.
CHAPTER TWENTY
AMBER
“Amber! There’s someone here to see you!” Joyce was yelling at me from the front. I was in the middle of a session.
“Busy!” I yelled back.
“Can you just take a little break and come out?” she asked me, sticking her head in the back.
“Joyce…”
“Two minutes,” she said.
“Do you mind, Mr. Moyer?”
“No, Amber, my old hip could use a break,” he said. “Just don’t forget me,” he said with a wink. He was a seventy-two year old who had hip replacement surgery recently. He was a shameless old flirt, but adorable.
