by Glynis Astie
Louis and I didn’t say much on the drive to Dr. Bauer’s office. We smiled at each other often, but neither one of us seemed to have the inclination to leave our private ruminations. I wondered if he were freaked out as I was. His expression was entirely impassive, which was nothing new for him. Sometimes I wished he were easier to read.
Following the obligatory peeing in a cup exercise, we seated ourselves in Dr. Bauer’s waiting room and I began to peruse the collection of trashy magazines. Picking up the latest issue of Us Weekly, I noticed my hands were shaking. Wait…did I forget to eat breakfast this morning? I frowned as I searched my memory banks. I honestly had no recollection. Frightening indeed. I have heard your brain functioning changes (comes to a grinding halt) once you become pregnant, but I thought it would happen when I was a little further along. Maybe I’m just special. Or crazy. Or maybe a little bit of both.
“Sydney Durand?”
Louis squeezed my hand and we followed a nurse whom I had never seen before towards the exam rooms. She suddenly veered to a vestibule and I stopped short. Where were we going? I peered at Louis quizzically.
The nurse cleared her throat. “I’m going to take your blood pressure, height and, um, weight and then we’ll head to the exam room. Oh, and uh, my name is Kathryn.” She smiled at me nervously and gestured to a chair next to a blood pressure cuff.
I extended my hand and returned her smile, though a bit more warmly. “It’s nice to meet you, Kathryn.”
She gave my hand a quick shake without meeting my eyes and once again gestured to the chair.
I sat down obediently and took off my cardigan, all the while wondering why she seemed nervous. Perhaps this was her first day? Perhaps she had a difficult patient this morning? Or perhaps she was simply having trouble concentrating around my gorgeous husband. He gets that a lot. (And I think it has finally gone to his head.)
Kathryn removed the cuff and gave the expected comment about my excellent blood pressure. I gave her a halfhearted grin, already focused on the unpleasant task ahead of me. Sighing deeply, I got up to deal with the inevitable.
I removed my shoes (because every little bit helps) and stepped onto the scale. Kathryn asked me to turn around so she could measure my height, noted my usual five feet seven inches and had me turn back around for the fun part. She then made the necessary adjustments to the scale until the level was perfectly balanced. She quickly wrote down the number and hightailed it to the exam room.
Hmmm. That was rather bizarre. I shrugged at Louis, held on to him whilst slipping my feet back into my shoes and followed her down the hall.
After a few preliminary questions about how I was feeling, Kathryn asked me to change into the requisite gown and left the room.
I took a couple of shaky breaths and began to undress. My body felt a bit wobbly, so Louis offered his arm to steady me while I put on the paper gown. I fingered the delicate pink material, replete with flowers, and exhaled deeply. I was so grateful for Dr. Bauer and her dedicated support staff. They thought of the smallest details. No woman ever enjoys being in a paper garment, but the pleasing design and color made the chore a little easier.
Louis helped me climb onto the exam table and cracked a smile.
“Are you ready for those stirrups, cowgirl?”
I rolled my eyes at his extremely bad joke when my cell phone rang.
Louis retrieved the phone from my purse, scanned the screen and raised his eyebrows. “Maya has perfect timing as usual.”
My heart lurched. “Let it go to voicemail.” I felt terrible for avoiding her, but I couldn’t deal with her attitude right now. I was tired of trying to get her to see reason. Yes, I remember what I said yesterday; I haven’t lost too many brain cells since then. A woman has a right to change her mind. A PREGNANT woman has the right to change it as often as she likes without fear of snide comments.
He put the phone back in my purse and sighed.
I examined my hands closely. “I know I’m a coward. I promise to tell her soon.”
Louis approached me and took my hands. “Maybe she is a more mature person than you believe her to be, Syd. Maybe she will be able to put her own issues aside and be happy for you.”
I opened my mouth to speak, but he beat me to it. “And maybe I am on crack.”
I reached up and gently pulled his face down to meet mine. “I love you so much, Bluey. You get me.”
His beautiful blue eyes searched mine. “How did I ever get so lucky? I love you more than you will ever know, mon coeur.”
I kissed him tenderly and felt my hormones begin to surge. Uh oh. My legs circled his body and I drew him closer to me as I deepened the kiss. I ran my hands down his back, finding my pulse quickening at the touch of his sculpted muscles. My mind was screaming about how completely inappropriate a setting this was for such a display, but my body wouldn’t be stopped.
Poor Louis was trying to extract himself from his passionate wife when we heard a knock at the door. Louis quickly turned around to adjust himself as Dr. Bauer came in with a bright smile.
“How are you feeling, Sydney?”
I adopted a neutral expression, wondering if there were any physical evidence of my latest attack of hormones. Other than the rather obvious bulge in my husband’s pants.
A giggle escaped in the wake of my tasteless musings. “Fantastic, Dr. Bauer! How are you?”
“Very well, thanks. Though probably not as well as you.” She chuckled and glanced quickly at my chart.
Busted by my OB/GYN. This just may top the list of the most humiliating experiences in my life—for the time being. Who knew what the process of labor would be like? I made a mental note that absolutely no video cameras be allowed in the delivery room. A film of our child being born is something Louis’ mother would relish watching—while she sat with the ENTIRE town in her living room. OK, so the whole town wouldn’t fit there, but I wouldn’t put it past her to project it on the side of the barn behind her house.
I shook my head to clear the horrific image and found Dr. Bauer busily making notes in my chart. Did I miss something? Focus, Sydney! It would definitely take some additional effort to pay attention in the months ahead. I chuckled, realizing the little bugger was already messing with me. From inside my body! This kid is talented.
“Everything looks fine with your urine test, so why don’t we move on to the physical exam?”
She must have seen the apprehension in my face, since she put her hand on my shoulder. “You had a pap smear three months ago, so you don’t have to worry about the speculum today. I’m going to do a quick physical exam, ask you some questions about your medical history and then we’ll do the ultrasound, OK?”
I unclenched my hands and relaxed my shoulders. I was quite relieved at the prospect of a speculum-free examination today. Do you remember when I said there were very few things I hated more than changing sheets? The speculum is definitely one of them. Forgive my vulgarity, but the cold metal, the rapid expansion and the scraping were repulsive sensations. Necessary for good health, but one of the most unpleasant things ever. Ugh.
Once I shuddered my last thought of the speculum out of my system, I followed Dr. Bauer’s instructions including answering a rather long list of questions regarding my medical history. There were some questions related to my family’s past health conditions I couldn’t answer, but I promised her to call back later in the day with the missing information. My family was jam packed with physical and mental disorders, but I couldn’t remember who had what. Apparently it matters which side of your family tree the crazy comes from.
Perhaps I should make myself a detailed family tree. And while I’m at it, I should add in Louis’ family. I need to have a good idea of what this poor child is dealing with. Or is it better not to know? Either way, genes can be a bitch.
Dr. Bauer jotted a few final notes in my chart. “Well, Sydney, everything appears to be normal. We’ll do your ultrasound next and then I’ll ask Kathryn to come in and take some
blood. I’m also recommending you get a flu shot, which she can take care of as well.”
A few vials of blood? I read online that the nurse would be taking at least eight for preliminary prenatal tests. So if she were being honest, she would say SEVERAL. As a doctor, shouldn’t she have a better command of the English language? And here goes the freak show…
I let out a deep breath. “Sounds good.” Like hell it did! Be quiet, Sydney. The needs of the baby come before yours. Get used to it.
Dr. Bauer began typing into the ultrasound machine. “Are you ready for your first ultrasound?”
I hoped I didn’t look as nervous as I felt. “I think so.”
My eyes found Louis’ and I could see he was so excited he was literally bouncing up and down. Our foray into parenthood was certainly unexpected, but he was embracing it with gusto. I reminded myself once again how lucky I was to be married to him.
Dr. Bauer called Kathryn into the exam room and made a few more adjustments to the machine, while Kathryn pulled out...wait…was that a condom? I gaped while Dr. Bauer cleansed her hands, opened the condom and put it on a rather large plastic wand attached to the ultrasound machine.
I was thoroughly confused. Granted, this was not an uncommon experience for me, but what exactly was going on here?
Dr. Bauer tried to hide a smile. “Let me remind you, Sydney, because you’re only eight weeks pregnant, we won’t be able to conduct an abdominal ultrasound. Instead we’ll insert the vaginal probe to check on your baby.”
I snorted. “And you believe in the machine’s ability to practice safe sex?”
Sydney Durand! It’s bad enough that you jumped your husband in the exam room, but now you have to make heinous jokes?
Dr. Bauer laughed. “The condom helps us to keep the process sanitary. The lining allows the signal to be transmitted, but gives an added layer of protection from germs.”
I put my hands up in the air. “Who knew?” I cringed internally, since even I was amazed at what a GIANT dork I could be.
She beamed at me. At least my inane statements served a purpose. She seemed genuinely amused.
“Sydney, I’m going to have you lean back. Louis, why don’t you come over here? You’ll have a much better view.”
Louis came over to my left side and took my hand. This was it! We were finally going to see our little one! Perhaps finally is a bit of an exaggeration. I know many women don’t have ultrasounds until their twentieth week, but who am I to turn down an insurance company willing to pay for one this early?
Dr. Bauer touched my shoulder. “Sydney, you’ll feel a little pressure, but no pain.”
I met her warm brown eyes and squared my shoulders. She knew me far too well. Her concern for my reaction might have had something to do with a minor freak out while having a benign polyp removed following a routine exam. “A little pinch,” my ass! Having your hooha cauterized hurts like a mother fucker!
Please excuse the profanity, but such intense pain in such an intimate place warrants a powerful expletive. I weep for the intensity of the words which will come out of my mouth during childbirth. I had to remind Louis about my no-video-camera-in-the-delivery-room rule. Given his considerable foray into tech geekery, I was convinced he had already compiled a list of the best cameras on the market. I planned to inform him, in no uncertain terms, that his new baby would not be camera-ready until we reached our hospital room. SEVERAL hours following the delivery.
Louis and I searched the screen with bated breath as Dr. Bauer made a few adjustments. And then a few more. What was happening? I squeezed Louis’ hand. He leaned down, kissed my forehead and gave me his patented, “simmer down” look. Even though it had only been a minute, it felt like a lifetime.
“Is everything OK, Dr. Bauer?” My voice shook despite my efforts to keep it strong.
Dr. Bauer glanced up. “Absolutely. Your child is a bit elusive.” She adjusted one more time. “And there he/she is.”
Louis and I squinted. All I could see was a bunch of lines on the screen. We both tilted our heads to try to get the right angle, but I felt like I was looking at one of those three-dimensional posters with the hidden image that were all the rage in the nineties. It didn’t matter how long I stood in front of those things, or how hard I concentrated, I was never able to see anything but dots of color. Judging by the knitted brows my husband was sporting, he wasn’t faring much better.
Sensing our confusion, Dr. Bauer pointed to a small cluster of pixels on the left side of the screen.
“This is the head…and this is an arm…here’s a foot…and do you see this blinking point?” Her finger tapped a spot towards the center of the monitor.
Since this was one thing I could definitively see, I nodded my head vigorously.
“This is your baby’s heartbeat.”
Louis and I looked at each other and back at the screen. We went through the same cycle a few more times before breaking into huge grins.
“It’s our baby,” I murmured. “Hi, baby!”
Louis regarded the screen with wonder. “Amazing.”
While Louis and I continued to be transfixed by our “pixel” baby, Dr. Bauer completed a series of measurements and Kathryn left the room to collect the necessary supplies for my pincushion experience.
Satisfied with her results, Dr. Bauer stood up, removed the gloves and began to wash her hands. “Judging by the measurements I’ve taken of your baby and the date of your last menstrual cycle, your due date will be June seventeenth.”
Louis and I stared at each other for a minute. June seventeenth. There was no more guessing. We had a hard-and-fast date in front of us. And it seemed familiar for some reason. Something was trying to fight its way out of my weary brain, but it didn’t have the strength to reach the surface. Oh well! It couldn’t have been that important.
Dr. Bauer dried her hands and picked up my chart. “OK, Sydney, we’ll see you back here in four weeks. Do you have any questions?”
I thought for a minute. “Yes. Why did Kathryn run away after she wrote down my weight earlier?”
True, it’s not relevant to my pregnancy, but she didn’t specify what kind of questions I could ask.
Dr. Bauer tried unsuccessfully to suppress a cackle. “Did she actually run?”
Louis nodded. “She took off like she was on fire.”
Dr. Bauer pressed her lips together. “One of my other patients got a little, um, overly excited by her weight gain yesterday.”
Louis and I waited for her to finish the story.
“She may have picked up one of her shoes and…” She paused, uncertain of how to continue. “Let’s just say she made Kathryn a little nervous.”
Completely unsure of what to say, I stayed silent. I wasn’t going to become completely irrational, was I? I have been known to have the occasional temper tantrum, but the only person truly harmed with my irrational freak outs is myself. Louis very kindly puts me back together, but no damage is done to him directly.
While I wondered if the same thoughts were running through his head, Louis reached out to shake Dr. Bauer’s hand. “Thank you so much.”
I held out my hand as well. “Yes, thank you. I appreciate your taking such good care of me.”
“You’re very welcome, Sydney. Remember to take your prenatal vitamins, drink lots of water, eat well and get plenty of sleep. Feel free to call if you have any questions, OK?”
I had a feeling she would live to regret her statement, as Sydney Durand was always full of questions, but then I remembered she had another nurse whose main purpose was to deal with marginally pregnant women. It was quite possible this unsuspecting woman would be put to the test with the curiosity of her latest patient.
Dr. Bauer picked up a piece of paper and handed it to me. “Don’t forget the picture of your baby.”
I gasped. “Thank you!”
Louis rested his chin on my shoulder and gazed at our child’s image with me. We both sighed with contentment. It was disgustingly c
ute and I LOVED it.
“Go ahead and get dressed, Sydney. Kathryn will be right back to take your blood.”
After Dr. Bauer left the exam room, I got dressed while lost in thought about our little one. I was in the process of putting on my shoes when I noticed Louis staring at me. My mouth was just forming the word “what” as the look in his eyes turned from adoration to discomfort. That’s odd. A moment ago, he was making goo-goo eyes at the ultrasound photo. What changed? I cocked my head to the side, promptly lost my balance and dropped my shoe. I thrust my hand to the wall to right myself and was hit with the truth.
Methinks Dr. Bauer’s psychotic patient from yesterday caused the other shoe to finally drop. (Ha!) Louis had put two and two together: as his wife is a bit neurotic in her normal state, pregnancy may create a monster he won’t be able to handle. The poor bastard. I felt desperately sorry for him.
Chapter Seven
The last two weeks have flown by in a torrent of exasperation. I have spent the bulk of my time either “planning” Thanksgiving dinner with Kate or continuing my fruitless attempt to reconcile Maya and Devon. Despite my efforts to remain calm, my frustration level has become critically high. Maya continues to act like a two-year-old who has been scolded and Kate has changed the dinner menu about fourteen times in as many days. Pregnancy hormones or not, these women are skating dangerously close to a beat down. I have yet to decide if this would be verbal or physical.
I’m sure it will not surprise you to know that Kate and Nick planned Thanksgiving down to a science years ago. This begs the question—why would she choose to mess with perfection? The thought of her stuffing always makes my mouth water, the turkey is always juicy and the gravy is rich and flavorful. Don’t even get me started on the pies. Apple and pecan and cherry! Oh my!
