I shut my eyes. I did not come here to think about Christmas Eve at Dayana’s. I came here to not think about Christmas Eve. To not think. Of course, trying not to think about something is the best way to make yourself think about it nonstop. After Jack bolted from Dayana’s yard, Archie asked to walk me home.
“I have something to tell you,” he said. As we walked and he talked, I kept staring at his breath—how it looked like smoke when it shot out of his mouth and then disappeared. It took me a while to understand what he was saying about Daddy and the computer and a beach and pictures of him and Dayana’s mom. And when I finally got it, I wanted to scream.
“Josie, do you understand? I mean, I know this … I know this sucks and—”
“The office? You saw it in Daddy’s office?”
“Yes.”
“You said you didn’t find anything.”
“Because I know how much you loved him and seeing you walking around his office, touching his things—”
“You said there was nothing.”
“I was trying to … I would never hurt you. Never.”
“But you’re okay doing it now. You let me hang out in their house all night. You let me eat her big feast. I told her it was the best Christmas Eve meal I’d ever had. And now you think I need to know the truth?”
“No, I … Yes. I should have said it right away, but I couldn’t. If it made you hate me—”
“You said you didn’t want to hurt me.”
“Yes.”
“You didn’t want to hurt me? Or you didn’t want me to hate you?”
“I don’t know. Both, I … Josie, I … When you went away again after Jack came home … I don’t know how to explain the loneliness. I mean, I should’ve been used to it, but then you were in my life and you were the only good. The only good. Lucas had Sam and—and being close to you made everything better. To lose it again … and then to not even be able to draw…”
We were standing in front of my house. And I couldn’t look at him. I couldn’t listen to any more explanation. “Even Jack keeps secrets from me. You were the one person I thought I could trust.”
“You can. I am.”
I spun away and left him standing there, alone. I walked inside, closed the door behind me, and turned off the porch light. Jack was already upstairs. I flipped on the living room lights. The house looked different, like someone had snuck in and rearranged everything. It felt so big and cold. The pictures on the wall felt phony and staged. Even the white furniture didn’t look so white. I thought I knew this place. I thought I knew the people who lived here. All the trips Daddy took when he couldn’t make it to my games. Every time he’d come home with presents for me and Jack and flowers for Mom and would take us all out for a big dinner. I felt sick and stupid. I could see Archie still standing outside as I ran up to my room and shut the door.
The next morning I told Jack I was too sick to go to Grandma and Grandpa’s for Christmas. I didn’t want to tell him. Either he’d hate Daddy and start punching his fist through walls or worse, he’d defend him. I ignored Archie’s calls and texts. There was nothing he could say that would make this better. For seven days I sat in my room, scrolling through Instagram, watching other people live their lives, go to parties, be normal.
And then on New Year’s Eve, a text popped up on my phone. From Cody.
NY Eve bash in the basement. Want U there.
Want U there. Suddenly, I wanted to be there, too. I was tired of sitting in my room and tired of being a victim. I mean, what a waste of me, right? Josie Clay doesn’t sit home on New Year’s Eve. That’s something Archie or Dayana or Harrison would do. And how perfect. A brand-new year. New Year’s Eve is when you get to start over, right? So that’s what I did. I decided I was going to be the person I was before the crash, the person everybody loved, the person who never let anyone hurt her. I was Josie Fucking Clay. How did I let that be taken away from me after I worked so hard to build it? I went out and bought myself a short new dress and got a fresh manicure. I even invited Jack to come with me.
“No, thanks.”
“It’ll be fun. You remember fun, right?”
“Is that the thing that makes people smile?”
“See? You do remember.”
“No, thanks.”
“Come on.”
“Nah. My head’s not up to it. But you have some of that … fun. You going with Archie?”
“No.” I kissed Jack on the cheek. “Happy New Year.”
“Happy New Year, Jo.”
I walked into Cody’s basement like I owned the place. And I did own it. If only I could get that one piece of hair to stay down!
I don’t know how long I was in the bathroom, but when I stepped out, there was a line of people waiting to get in. Siobhan was halfway down the line. “All cool, JoJo?”
“Um, yeah. Sure.” It had gotten hotter and even more crowded in the basement. My head spun from the heat and the booze. Maybe just one more. I could barely squeeze through the bodies to get to the bar. That didn’t matter, though, since Cody was there to hand me another shot of tequila.
“Looking for one of these?” he asked.
We clinked glasses and I tossed it down my throat without thinking. It burned going down and he had another one waiting as soon as I was done with the first. The room was becoming a blur of people and faces.
Cody leaned in and said something softly.
“What?!”
He leaned in closer, moving his mouth right to my ear again. A chill ran right up my neck. “It’s a mad scene down here. You look like you’re over it.”
“What?”
“You look like you’re over it.”
“No, I’m okay. I…”
“You want to get out of here?”
As I looked around the room, everything started to spin like crazy. Before I could even steady myself, Cody took my hand and led me to the basement stairs. I was sort of aware of people saying my name or looking at me as we headed up, but I was just looking forward to getting some fresh, cool air and some quiet.
Cody did not let go of my hand as he walked me out of the basement and up another flight of stairs. We crossed a landing into a large bedroom filled with guitars, surfing posters, and jars of protein powder. I could hear the thumping coming from downstairs, but it felt very far away. Cody sat me down on the bed. He was so cute with the deep creases around his mouth and his broad shoulders.
“I’m so glad I texted you,” he said.
“You broke up with me.”
“I’m a dumbass. I never stopped thinking about you.”
I couldn’t really process what he was saying. My head was fuzzy. “Josie’s back, bitches,” I said, my tongue feeling swollen and clumsy.
Cody stroked my face. “This is where you’re supposed to be,” he said.
He kissed me. My shoes dropped off my feet at the edge of the bed. The room spun again. As I squeezed my eyes shut, his hands were suddenly on the zipper of my dress.
It was all going fast and I felt out of control. “Wait…”
“I’ve waited so long for this.”
“Hold on. I’m not…”
“I love you, Jos. I never stopped loving you.”
“Don’t say that…”
“It’s true. You didn’t belong with those kids you’ve been hanging out with.”
“What?”
“They don’t know you like I do.”
“That’s not true … Stop.”
“Stop? Why?”
“Because I shouldn’t be here. You’re just like all of them.”
“Like who?”
“The liars. All of the liars…”
He pulled me closer. “Josie…”
“No!”
I shoved him away and slipped off the bed onto the floor. I teetered to my feet. I wanted out of there. I didn’t want to kiss him anymore. I didn’t want to be in this bedroom or in this house.
“You’re not … It’s bullshit. It’s al
l bullshit!” I stumbled out of the room and down the steps. I fumbled with the front door and then out into the freezing night in bare feet and a half-zipped dress. Cody came running after me, calling my name, but I tore through a neighbor’s backyard and hid behind some trees. I stayed there, panting and shivering, until I was sure no one was going to find me.
It was freezing cold, but even that seemed far away, outside of my body. It didn’t bother me. I walked fast down the block and then I picked up the pace to a jog. Pretty soon I was running through the neighborhood. When I didn’t turn at the stop sign, I realized I wasn’t on my way home. I just kept going.
By the time I made it to Dayana’s house, I had to put my hands on my knees to catch my breath. My bare back burned in the cold. Wheezing, I walked up the driveway. Lights were on inside, but I couldn’t see anyone. Thwack! I banged right into a big blue recycling bin, knocking cans and bottles onto the driveway. I tried to clean up the mess and only made even more of a racket. I had an armful of empties when the front door opened and Dayana walked outside in pajama pants and a black T-shirt. She held her hand up to shield her eyes. “Josie?”
My legs were frozen in place. I suddenly became aware of how cold I was and how silent it was around us. I could hear my heart pounding in my ears. “It’s not right. It’s not right.”
“Did you run here?”
“They were lying to me,” I blurted. “I thought I had everything. I thought it was perfect. But it was just another lie. Just another liar. Another person who only wanted what he wanted and didn’t care what it does to you, how it makes you feel.”
She walked toward me. “Why don’t you come inside?”
“No! I’m not going in there!”
“Okay, but it’s cold out here. And you’re not even wearing shoes.” She took a couple of steps closer.
“I loved him. I trusted him. And now I can’t even see him to ask why. You can’t ask a dead person how he could…”
“Are you talking about your dad?”
“How do you do that to someone you say you love? Why does this keep happening? Everyone I trust. Everyone I ever…”
The front door creaked open and Dayana’s parents walked out onto the porch. Her mother was holding a phone. I could hear Ryan Seacrest in Times Square through the open door.
“Josie? Is everything all right?”
“Why don’t you ask her?” I said.
Dayana didn’t turn around to look at her parents. “Go back inside. Both of you.”
“Daya?”
“It’s fine. I’ve got it.”
I watched Vanesa allow Nelson to lead her back into the house.
Dayana waited for the door to close. “How did you find out?”
“What?
“How did you find out about your dad and my mom?”
“You knew?”
“I knew.”
“For—for how long?”
“Since last Christmas.”
“A year?”
“She bailed on our family event. She said she had to work. And when Papi put himself to bed, I … decided I’d go bring her some of the cake we baked together for the party. I don’t even know why. When I got to her office—”
“Stop! Just stop. Shut up!”
“I’m sorry, Jo. Fuck. I hate it, too. I’m so sorry.”
“You’re not sorry. Why should you be sorry? She’s still here! Look at them in there. They’re both still here. They’re watching the stupid ball drop. They’ll see another year. But Mom and Daddy are … I’ll never see them again. Nothing feels real. Like I had a life and now it’s like it never existed … And I don’t even know if that makes me sad or angry, but—”
I started to cry. Warm tears down my freezing cheeks. Once I started, I couldn’t stop. I cried so much I didn’t even hear the Jeep pull up behind me. I’m not sure I ever would’ve stopped screaming and crying if I hadn’t felt big arms encircling me. I looked back to see Jack holding on to me as I struggled.
“Let me go!” I cried. “Why are you here?!”
“Vanesa called me.”
From inside the house, we heard the countdown from Times Square. Five! Four! Three! Two! One! Happy New Year!
Dayana cut a look inside. “Happy New Year, Josie,” she said. Then she, too, went into her house. Nothing more for anyone to say.
“Come on, Jo. Let me take you home.”
“Jack … I don’t think I can do it anymore.”
“You don’t have to do anything. Just keep breathing. Just keep moving.”
Struggling to catch my breath, I fell back into Jack’s arms.
* * *
Walking through the heavy metal doors of RBHS the first day after winter break, I fully expected to be shunned like that Scarlet Letter girl. Instead, everybody treated me like a returning hero. All anybody wanted to talk about was how amazingly awesome it was that I was at the party and how I totally killed it. They’d posted selfies with me hashtagged #thereturnofJosie. What the hell? Did they forget the part where I blasted out the door with an open dress and no shoes? Were they not searching the neighborhood for me while I hid in the woods like a wounded animal?
Siobhan rushed up as soon as she saw me. “Spill the tea, sis.”
“Huh?”
“That night was so iconic. You’ve always been like an inspiration to everyone. Not just because of how you dress, but how you’re so strong. And to watch you hurting after your parents died, it, like—hurt, like, all of us. When you came to the party it was like the world was right again. And you and Cody, can I say it gives me hope for me and Jack?”
When I walked into the cafetorium at lunchtime, I saw Dayana sitting at her corner table. But she wasn’t alone in Lonersville. Archie and Harrison sat across from her. Before I could make a decision, I felt an arm come around my shoulder.
“Hey you,” said Cody. “Come sit with us.”
“Why would I…?”
“Because I want to sit with you.”
“But New Year’s Eve … I totally freaked out and bailed on you.”
“Did you?” he smirked. “I don’t remember that.”
“Cody…”
“Oh, that was you? No worries. Happens all the time. I take a girl to my room and she hits me in the junk and runs off screaming into the freezing cold night. Not at all a shot to the ego.”
“I hit you in the junk?”
“That’s not what really hurt. Know what I was doing at midnight? Standing in my neighbor’s yard, scraping frozen dog crap off my shoe. Not that I’m looking for any sympathy.”
Siobhan was waving me over to the table. My table. My squad. This is what I wanted from New Year’s Eve, right? I wanted cute guys to want me. I wanted the best people to be my friends. I wanted to throw parties and decide who belonged and who didn’t. I wanted to be surrounded by people who thought I was the greatest. I wanted to be safe from the things that hurt me. I didn’t want to be the gooey snail anymore. I wanted to be bulletproof.
And if I had to walk by Archie, Dayana, and Harrison’s table to feel that way again, then that’s what I’d do.
* * *
The ’rents are gone this wknd, Cody texted in the middle of history. So were mine.
Come ovr? Just U n me. I’ll wear my track shoes if you decide to run!
I stared at those texts and read them over and over. Just U n me. I knew that any girl in RBHS would kill to be in my place. And for me, Cody was more than just a hot guy who really liked me. He was my second chance. Five months ago, on the last night of the other part of my life, Cody and I were the perfect couple at the perfect party. Now here we were, almost half a year later with a chance to go back.
C U there, I texted.
* * *
I dug into the back of my closet to find the skirt I’d been saving for a special occasion. As I adjusted myself in the mirror, I thought about Cody, about the way he touched my arm when he talked to me or let his eyes travel up my body every time I got near him. Reflexi
vely, I touched the softball scar on my face.
Can’t wait to C U
For a long time after Coach Murph, I didn’t want to be touched by anyone. But I saw how boys looked at me and I didn’t always hate it. The way I saw it, there were all kinds of reasons to be with someone. Sometimes it’s not even about them. It’s about what’s going on in your life. You’re having a tough time and feeling bad. Having a guy hold you and tell you he wants you … That’s not nothing. After it’s over, sometimes you feel better. More likely you feel worse. But at least while you were with him, you weren’t caught in your own head. And you were a little less lonely. Sometimes that can be enough.
When I came downstairs in the new skirt, Jack was sitting at the piano. “Hey,” he said.
“Hey.”
“Going out?”
“Just heading to Siobhan’s,” I lied.
“Tell her I said hi.”
“She said she wants to get back together with you.”
“I know. We’re talking sometimes. But we’re not good for each other.”
“I’m not sure about that.”
“Can we have a night?” he asked. “Next week maybe?”
“A night to do what?” I asked.
“I don’t know. Hang out. Talk. What’d we used to do?”
“I don’t remember. See movies?”
Jack paused. “Movies are rough for me right now. All the noise and the cutting around. I’d rather not get sick in the popcorn.”
“I’ll think about it.”
The silence hung there. Talking to my twin brother used to be the easiest thing in the world. We could say anything and never worry about hurting each other. He knew everything about me and I knew everything about him. At least I thought we did. Half the time we didn’t even have to say anything. Now it was heavy and awkward and I hated it.
The Year They Fell Page 16
