by Neil LaBute
The MAN nods at this, his head still tilted down. Not looking into the eyes of the WOMAN.
GOGO Yes.
DIDI Yes.
GOGO I know …
DIDI I know you know.
GOGO And … I’m ashamed …
DIDI You should be. Everybody should be. But we weren’t. Not enough of us, anyway … and not soon enough. We just weren’t. (Beat.) We always think there’s going to be a “tomorrow.” Sun’ll come up and the day will happen and so will the next one and the next one and the next one. Like, forever. And we’ll have to work hard and plan and save but there will always be things for us. “Things.” The basics, at least … we’ll ALWAYS have the basics … food and water and shelter. (Beat.) But—as we’ve seen—that’s just not the case.
GOGO That’s true.
DIDI It is true.
GOGO I know.
DIDI Good.
GOGO Yes. (Beat.) I really do know. Now.
DIDI Doesn’t really mean shit though, now, does it? Since almost everybody on the planet is dying of hunger and thirst … but hey …
The WOMAN nods to herself and trails off, thinking about this. The MAN is quiet. Keeps his head down.
DIDI Anyway, you’re here today. You braved the line … you fought your way through that crowd and you made it inside. In here to see me.
GOGO Yes.
DIDI Yes.
GOGO I did.
DIDI So that’s something. (Beat.) Was it worth it?
GOGO I’m sorry?
DIDI Doing all that … was it worth it? To live on with a little bit of water—what I’m about to give you—to struggle on for a few more days with what you’ll take away from here … do you feel now that it was worth it? (Beat.) I mean, since this will most probably be your last trip through the line … since you have nothing left to trade. To give up. (Smiles.) Well … your wife, I suppose … (Smiles.) Unless she beats you to it. (Beat.) So. Was it worth it?
GOGO …
DIDI That’s a hard one, right? That question?
GOGO … yes …
DIDI Yes, I thought so. Most people try to answer it but they just … yep. Kind of trail off the way you did … shrug their shoulders and mumble and … you know … that’s what they say: nothing, like you did, or “I dunno” sometimes … a big fat “I don’t know.” Because they don’t. At all. They don’t really understand how they could’ve done what they’ve done—some of the outrageous shit that they have done to survive—BUT they’ve done it. They thought about it and weighed it out and, in the end, they did it. To fuel that most basic of all human instincts: to live on. To crawl forward for another day … an hour … one tiny little second …
GOGO It’s true. (Beat.) I’ve … I’ve done … oh my God … the things I’ve done …! GOD!!
The MAN bursts into tears again. Covers his face with his hands and shakes his head.
DIDI I don’t wanna tell you your business but if it was me … I’d be careful with those tears. Water being as scarce as it is …
The MAN nods and forces himself to stop. The WOMAN waits for him to finish. She finally stands and points toward a wall in the room. Stacks of one gallon containers of water.
She motions for the MAN to go to the wall.
DIDI It’s alright. You can take your water and go. It’s fine. No worries.
The MAN quietly goes to the wall. Turns back to look at the WOMAN.
GOGO Yes?
DIDI Yes. (Beat.) You get two. As agreed upon when you got into line. Two gallons. Go ahead. (Beat.) No one will hurt you … at least no more than already’s been done. I promise you that. (Beat.) Go on.
GOGO Thank you.
DIDI You’re welcome.
GOGO Thank you … thank you … thank …
DIDI Please, stop. It’s alright … you earned it, I’m sure.
GOGO Yes.
The MAN is barely strong enough to carry the two gallons but he manages. Staggering off toward the door.
The WOMAN stops him with her voice before he can exit:
DIDI Before you go, though … remind me what you did … what you gave up for those two little containers? Those 16 pounds …?
GOGO …
DIDI I’m sure I could look it up but all these stories run together and I forget how you or this person or that one did what they did … for that. (Pointing.) So tell me.
GOGO …
DIDI Oh, go on. It’s just us here. No one else will know. Or care. I promise you …
GOGO …
DIDI Not with the way things are these days. It doesn’t really matter. You did it … it’s done … that’s all.
GOGO I’ve done … terrible things … (Starting to cry again.) My … my children …
DIDI Yes! That’s right! Your daughter, was it? Or maybe your son? Am I remembering that correctly …?
GOGO Yes.
DIDI Yes what? Which?
GOGO Both.
DIDI Oh. (Beat.) Both. (Beat.) Both children.
GOGO Yes.
DIDI You gave up both?
GOGO Yes. My wife and I … we … we were …
DIDI I see. (Beat.) For water. (Beat.) For a bit of drinking water. For you.
GOGO Yes. (Beat.) And my wife.
DIDI For that. (Pointing.) Right there. (Beat.) For a few pounds of water.
GOGO Yes.
DIDI Hmmm. I see. (Beat.) Death or pleasure? (Beat.) You let them be killed or given to the troops for …? (Beat.) Which?
GOGO I’m not … I think they killed the boy and then … they took the girl … for … the …
DIDI Right. (Beat.) Fine. (Beat.) Well, I hope you and your wife enjoy the water. Really. You should. Every last drop …
GOGO Thank you.
DIDI Oh, no, don’t thank me … please.
The MAN nods and starts off. After a beat, she speaks:
DIDI You can thank yourselves.
He turns at this thought. Taking it in. The weight of it. He nods and moves quietly out of the room.
The WOMAN is alone now. She goes to her desk and sits. With a sigh she stretches her back and neck. She’s tired.
Finally she reaches forward and pours another glass of water. Leaves it on the desk.
After a moment, she hits a button on the desk. Sound of a buzzer overhead and down the hallway. Very loud. After a beat, she speaks into a little box on the desk.
DIDI Next …
Silence. Darkness.
BFF
BFF is a stage adaptation of the short film of the same name. The film had its world premiere at the Tribeca Film Festival in New York City in April 2012.
It was directed by Neil LaBute.
JACK Thomas Sadoski
JILL Gia Crovatin
JOSH Chris Henry Coffey
Silence. Darkness.
We plunge right in on two people—coffee mugs on the table in front of them—who are sitting across from each other. Staring. A silence.
She is dressed in office suit and skirt. He’s in shorts and a t-shirt. Looks a bit rumpled. Finally, the woman can’t take it anymore and blurts out:
JILL … what?
JACK Nothing.
JILL No, not nothing, please. You’re looking at me like I was … some …
JACK I’m not, either …
JILL Yes, you are, yes! You are sitting there with a smile on your face but inside you are saying to yourself “Jesus Christ, my friend is crazy!” You are, you’re saying that, I can tell.
JACK Jill, I’m not. I promise you.
JILL Fine. I can tell, but fine.
JACK No, not fine! I’m not trying to … what? What’s the word?
JILL I dunno.
JACK Yes, you do, it’s … shit! Come on. What’s the word for what you think I’m trying to do to you but I’m—placate! I’m not trying to placate you. That’s the thing I am not doing here! Is that.
JILL Ok, so, you’re just what then? Amused at me? Bemused? Which is it? I’m never sure with those two words.
/> JACK I don’t know—I think they both apply at this point, actually.
JILL Really? They do?
JACK Kinda. Yeah. (Beat.) You’re being a little nuts about this. Showing up here right in the middle of the … you know …
JILL It’s my break time! I can use it however I want to!
JACK I know that, I know, I’m just saying … I’m in the shower and you’re out there banging on the … wham, wham, wham!
JILL What? This is important to me! He’s my boyfriend!
JACK Jill, I get it, I understand that, that’s not what I’m saying—it’s the approach …
JILL Well, how should I approach it? Huh? Just ask him, maybe at dinner tonight: “Honey, are you fucking somebody? Are you banging the shit outta some woman at your office or am I just being silly?” Maybe approach it like that? Would that work?
JACK No! Obviously not, Jesus, that’s not what I mean … of course not.
JILL Then what?
JACK I don’t know! I’m not a … I’m your friend here, not some … some …
JILL You are my BFF, Jack, my B-F-F. We have shared everything since college—I even moved here ’cause of you—and that’s why I’m here now, begging for your help. I’m desperate! I love this fucking guy …
JACK I know you do, and that’s why you should maybe just … step back for a …
JILL I can’t! You know what I found, what I’ve started to notice in the last few—he’s not being honest with me! He is seeing somebody and I need to act here. Right now!
JACK Fine.
JILL Sorry but I do.
JACK I said “fine.” Ok. So … hire someone.
JILL Hire? (Beat.) You mean, like … what? One of those girls who try to catch him out or, or, or … that kinda thing? I thought that was just on TV.
JACK No, people do that.
JILL Really?
JACK Yeah, but that’s not what I’m …
JILL Seriously?
JACK Yes, but I’m talking about a guy, not some lady, but a man who—a detective.
JILL Oh. So you’re saying like a … real …?
JACK I mean, yeah. Yes. If you need that. An investigator, or some other … type …
JILL That’d be … I mean, I guess I could …
JACK Happens all the time.
JILL I know, I’m sure, it’s just … (Beat.) Wait! Wait, you could do it for me!
JACK What?! No—are you insane?! NO FUCKING WAY! EVER!
JILL Why? Why not?!
JACK Because I’m not gonna get—Jill, no!! Absolutely not. Stop.
JILL Fine. (Beat.) So where would I find some person like that, then? Where?
JACK I don’t know! You’re acting like I have—what about online? Some guy who follows him … reports back to you and all that shit. Like people did in the olden days.
JILL Yeah … that’s possible. I guess.
JACK You haven’t done anything like that yet, have you? Had him trailed, or, or …?
JILL No, of course not! This just started, I told you.
JACK Right, that’s right …
JILL I saw that shirt of his there, the one he crunched down in the hamper and I pulled it out and smelled it … I did, sniffed it and it reeked of sex. You know how it is when you get a whiff of that? It’s just, like … un-deniable. Anyway, that started me thinking about, you know … a lot of other behavior. He’s later and later at work … sometimes out when he says he’ll be in at the office, dinners and all that crap. It adds up!
JACK No, I get it. I get what you’re … (Beat.) And you can’t just … ask him?
JILL What’s he gonna say?
JACK Well, I mean … maybe he’ll …
JILL He’s a man! This is his profession—liar! No offense, but …
JACK Ha! True, but, still—if you guys have any kind of real relationship he might wanna talk with you about it … get it out … maybe it’s killing him and he’s just on the edge, hoping you’ll find out. Maybe he’s actually putting it out there so you will confront him about it. Just so he’s able to start the conversation …
JILL So you think he is doing it! Fuck!
JACK No, I’m not saying that! Stop now, stop it! (Beat.) I’m saying that if this crap is true then you need to do something …
JILL Well, God, I know that … but what? What?!
JACK I don’t know! You’re always going on and on about how great you guys are together and blah-blah-blah, so just ask him then. Point-blank.
JILL That’s not … I can’t! What if it’s not happening and I ruin everything? Or even worse … if I put the idea in his head?!
JACK … it’s … the risk you take …
JILL Maybe I could … what if I found a hair or something … what about DNA tests or some deal like that?
JACK Please! Is that realistic?
JILL I don’t know! They do it on CSI! At least on the Miami one, I don’t watch the other ones …
JACK Come on, you’re being … (Beat.) Shit. I’m so gonna regret—do you really want me to follow him, after work or something, for a few weeks? Do you?
JILL Oh, God … I mean … you’d do that? Really?
JACK For you I would. We’re BFFs. (Beat.) I’d have to be careful … he knows me so it could be such a bad, stupid thing if we get caught but yeah, I’d do that for you. Of course.
JILL Wow, I don’t know what to say …
JACK I just want you to think about it and to be sure you know what you’re doing. This is such dangerous territory here—this’d be me tailing him once he gets off work until he comes home to you. It’s serious stuff …
JILL … no, I get that …
JACK You’re saying that you don’t trust the man you supposedly love. A guy you’ve told me you wanna marry …
JILL I do! I want to. But …
JACK But you think he’s with somebody and it’s eating you alive. Right? I can see that.
JILL It is. It really is. (Eyes well up.) Can’t fucking sleep—I just lay there at night, staring at him … hour after hour. Wondering. I’m going through his phone numbers and emails, shit I know would make him go ballistic if he found me out but I can’t help it! I literally can’t help myself as I’m doing it. It’s killing me, Jack …
JACK … it’s ok …
JACK picks up the coffee mugs and moves them into the kitchen. Drops them into the sink as JILL watches him intently. Waiting.
JILL I know you haven’t had one of these long-term things for a while so it doesn’t feel the same to you, but trust me …
JACK … hey, I’ve had a few … that’s not true! People who wanted to, you know … be my …
JILL No, I’m not saying … you know what I mean by that, though. Right?
JACK … yeah. No, I get it. I’m just …
JILL And even if you did—had a relationship right now, I mean—you’re stronger than I am. You’ve always been a tougher person than me, Jack …
JACK That’s true.
JILL So …
JACK Yeah. So, so, so. (Beat.) Anyway …
JILL Yes. Anyway. I need to get back. I said I was just running out to Starbucks!
JACK Ha! You wanna get outta here so you can try and catch him out at lunch, that’s why you need to get going … right?
JILL No …
JACK Come on, be honest!
JACK presses her with a look and finally JILL gives in with a smile. Shakes her head to the affirmative.
JILL Yes, ok! (Laughs.) I might run over there and just see if he’s—said he was gonna be at Cubby’s down there on Sixth, that sports bar, so I thought as long as I’m on my way back that I’d …
JACK Jill. (Beat.) Just be careful. Ok?
JILL Of what?
JACK Getting what you wish for.
JILL … I know. God, you’re so smart! Always have been.
JACK Not true, I just care about you. That’s all.
JILL Love you.
JACK Me too. My BFF.
JILL Ha! Ok, go
tta run …
JACK Seriously? Don’t go by there right now—it’ll ruin your day. Even if he’s there, and I’m sure he is, he’ll be talking to some female exec or something and you’ll misread it and be all pissed during the afternoon … just head back to work, grab a sandwich, and I promise to start in tonight. I’ll go over there at five.
JILL He’s supposedly going to the gym after work.
JACK Then I’ll watch him do it. I’ll text you if he puts a foot wrong.
JILL Yeah?
JACK You know I will. If he’s got a girl on the side, you’re gonna be the first to know about it.
JILL Thanks, sweetie.
JACK Of course! Hey, you’d do the same for me, right? (Smiles.) I mean, if I was seeing somebody long enough for them to cheat on me, that is!
JILL I didn’t mean anything by that.
JACK I’m kidding! Now go.
JILL Love you. My BFF.
JACK You, too.
JILL gets up and walks to the door. JACK follows her and lets her out. He locks the door and goes to the kitchen.
He starts to wash the two coffee cups, picking them up from the sink. From the other room comes a male voice.
VOICE (O.S.) … she gone?
JACK Yep.
A bedroom door opens and a good-looking guy stands in the opening. Wearing just his boxers. This is JILL’S GUY, who has been waiting patiently to finish his “lunch.” His name is JOSH.
JOSH Jesus. I thought she was gonna move in!
JACK Me, too! (Beat.) I heard that first knock and I knew it was her, you know? I mean, I just knew it! You’re laying there, all ready to cum and of course she shows up: she’s like a fucking Rolex …
JOSH Ha! Think she’s gonna go by the bar?
JACK Of course she is! She’s gonna call me in about twenty minutes. I promise you.
JOSH Great. What should I say when I see her tonight?
JACK I have no idea. That’s your problem.
JOSH Thanks, dude. (Beat.) And watch it with my shirts, would ya? Keep your stink off me! (Beat.) I mean, what the hell am I gonna say to her now that she’s going through my laundry and shit?! I mean …
JACK Ha! You’ll think of something—you always do.
JOSH True.
JACK Tell ya what: You can work on your speech while I’m sucking your cock. (Beat.) How’s that for fair?
