I was just bored.
“Hey,” I said under my breath as the two overgrown boys continued to beat the living tar out of each other. I knew I didn’t have to speak up, or move at all. The person I was saying “hey” to, I knew she’d be right behind me.
“You wanna get out of here?”
Mona and I spent prom night at the spot. From ten or so until darn near breakfast, it was just the two of us, hanging on a blanket beneath the night sky, like it always should have been. Now, it wasn’t your typical night at the spot—there obviously wasn’t any kissing or feeling up, and there certainly wasn’t any sex—but there was absolutely everything else, all the things a prom night actually needs:
Laughter. Great conversation. Milk shakes.
Stargazing. Spooning. Pizza.
And dancing, of course. So much terrible dancing.
There are no bad girls. There are no good girls. It’s all made-up. It’s just a fairy tale.
17. BRIAN MACK
Allie was by herself. Everyone else was in the middle of the dance floor. They were shouting “woo!” and sex-grinding. But she was alone at a table, staring into space. She looked hot as balls in a sparkly gold dress. I asked my teacher if I could go talk to her. He said yes.
“Hey,” I said.
“Oh,” she said. “Hi, Brian.”
“Are you okay?”
Her face didn’t move. Her eyes budged a little but not really.
“Are you having fun at prom?”
She kind of shook her head. “I think I’m just tired.”
“How was Stanford?”
She twisted in her chair. She wiggled her body. It seemed like she had ants in her bra.
“I’m happy you get to go there next year,” I said. “That’s so tight.”
She didn’t say anything to that.
“Hey. You wanna dance?”
Allie pointed at the door. “It’s so loud in here,” she said. “I’m feeling overstimulated. I think I need some time outside.”
“Okay,” I said. “Can I come?”
“No,” she said. “No, Brian.”
“Okay,” I said. “I get it.”
• • •
I think I get it.
Allie wants what we all want. She wants to be happy. I don’t blame her for that. Next year, she needs to go away to be happy. Right now, she needs to be by herself. That makes sense. I want her to feel good.
I don’t have a problem being by myself. I kind of like it sometimes. It’s nice how no one’s around who feels like they have to help you. Also you get to think about stuff.
Today after school, I went to my lawn. I sat and I plucked. I plucked and I thought. I thought about Allie. I think about her a lot. I hope not too much.
I’m happy Allie gets to go away next year. It makes me so stoked, thinking about her playing in the band at football games, imagining her hanging out with her smart new friends. I want it for her. I want her to have that life.
But I want it for me, too. That’s what messes me up. Because I had it before. I had a great life with Allie. She read to me. She talked to me. She even kissed me back. And then she left, just like that, wham bam. She picked somewhere else. I wonder if I’m the reason why. I don’t want to be alone anymore.
A loud sound snapped me out of my thoughts. It jingled in my ears, like coins in my pocket. It sounded like Allie used to, back when I gave her piggyback rides. Someone was laughing.
Two people were laughing. I looked up and saw them across the lawn from me. There were two pretty girls. They were having some kind of picnic. One of them had tan brown skin and eyes like a cat. The other had crazy shiny hair and eyes like a baby.
Maybe I could talk to them.
“There you are!” I yelled. “I’ve been looking all year for you!”
Nikki stopped laughing. She looked at Mona. Mona looked at me. She smiled and waved. I ran up to where they were.
“I’ve been missing you,” I said. “It’s great to see you again, Nikki.”
Nikki’s eyes got bigger than normal. She looked down at the grass.
“Cool if I sit with you guys?”
Mona nodded. She patted the ground. I sat down. She handed me a stick of licorice.
“So,” I said in between bites. “You guys go to prom?”
“Look,” Nikki said, still staring down. “I feel sick to my stomach, Brian. I realize I never came back to visit you. I want you to know I’ve been thinking of you all year. I know it’s no consolation, everything I’m saying now, but I so deeply regret not being a better friend. I’ve punished myself for it plenty.”
She sighed real soft. I smooshed some grass in my fingers. I pulled a handful out of the dirt and crushed it down to nubbins, till I got the green bits all up in my hand skin.
“That’s okay,” I said. “I understand.”
Nikki and Mona looked at each other.
“Really?” Nikki said.
“Duh,” I said. “We all have our own stuff to deal with. You shouldn’t punish yourself one bit. I’m just happy to see you now.”
“Good man,” Mona said.
“Lord,” Nikki said. “What a relief.”
“Yeah,” I said. “Plus, you were right to take a break from me. Didn’t I grab your boob? That was hella creepy.”
The second I said it, Nikki, Mona, and I all exploded into laughter. Theirs sounded like little Christmas bells. Mine sounded like a moose farting out of its face.
We laughed about lots of things. They told me why DeSean and that guy fought each other at prom, how it was all about Nikki. I said I had no idea; I thought it was just a big penis contest. Mona said that’s the real reason they fought. Then Mona started talking about her mom, like how strict she is. I guess her mom judges her for every little thing she eats. I said we should trade moms, because mine’s been trying to fatten me up like the witch from Hansel and Gretel. After that, I told them I’m actually trying to get fit again, because Coach asked me about playing football next year, and I said I told him that sounds amazing, because all I want is to be a Bulldog again. Mona and Nikki both looked so freaked when I said it. Their skin went pale. Their smiles went away. But then I said, “Just kidding. Oh man, got you so good,” and the three of us just laughed. We laughed like little kids for the longest time.
“This is fun,” I said. “I’ll miss this.”
“Us too,” Nikki said.
“I wish you weren’t leaving,” I said.
“I know,” Mona said. “You should get to graduate with us. It sucks they’re not letting you. But don’t worry. We’ll come back and visit a bunch.”
“And for what it’s worth,” Nikki said, “it’s not like we’re particularly jazzed about next year, either.”
Mona nodded. “Yeah, I’m sure city college will be fine and all, but you won’t be missing anything special, Brian.”
“So true,” Nikki said. “I’m actually kind of dreading it, to be honest.”
I grabbed at some grass. I shook my head. “Well, that’s no good.”
Nikki and Mona looked at each other.
“What do you mean?” Mona said.
“I don’t want you guys to have a bad time.”
“No one does,” Nikki said. “But maybe that’s just what adulthood is. Slogging through life, letting the bad times stack up and hoping you’ll reach that one lucky moment when you have at least a sliver of a chance at happiness.”
I said it quiet. “No.”
Nikki’s eyes got narrow. “What do you mean, ‘no’?”
“You should make your happiness,” I said.
“Sweetheart,” she said. “It’s all well and good when you say it like that, but I’m not exactly sure how we’re supposed to ‘make’ our own—”
“You should help people.”
Nikki smiled, like she still thought I was dumb. “Brian, if you want us to come over next year and read stories to you, then all you need to do is ask.”
I made a fart nois
e with my mouth. “No,” I said. “You’re not listening. It’s not about me. I don’t need any more help.”
Nikki shook her head. “I don’t understand. Then who would we be helping?”
“I don’t care,” I said. “Anyone. Old people. Sad people. Girls with bad boyfriends. Boys who have no friends. Dogs. Like, fat ones that can’t walk. You’ll know who they are. You’ll know when you see them. But if you’re ever feeling stuck, then the best way out is to help someone else, someone who feels stuck too. Jeez. I thought that was obvious.”
Mona looked at Nikki. Nikki looked at the ground. We all sat quiet for a sec. Then Nikki reached her hand out. She touched her hand to mine. She wrapped her fingers around it. She gave my hand a big ol’ squeeze.
“It can be easy to forget these things,” she said. “But you have a funny way of making me remember. You’re very clever, you know that, Brian?”
“Yeah,” I said. “I am.”
We stayed on the terraces for the longest time, me and my friends. It was the best. I loved helping them, the way Allie used to help me. Not by doing too much, just by being there. All I did was listen. I tried to make them feel important. I think it worked. I can’t wait to see who they’ll help next.
After a while, Nikki and Mona had to go home, but we made plans to hang again soon. I’m going to give them dance lessons.
I stayed on the grass for a little longer after they left. Like I said, I like being by myself. I like sitting. It’s good to think about my life.
But I wasn’t alone for even a minute. Before I realized it, someone else showed up on the lawn. Another friend for me.
“Hey, Big Mack. You wanna make a movie . . . ?”
18. WILEY OTIS
It’s official: I’m not graduating.
Ms. Fawcett told me today. She said she couldn’t figure out why I’d completely quit on my schoolwork, that she was shocked and disappointed in my effort. I didn’t react. She mentioned that I could still take summer school classes, but that I seriously need to get my act together. I zoned her out. She told me about the college opportunities that might one day be available to me. I didn’t care. I’m not supposed to be some scholar or whatever. I’m supposed to be a filmmaker.
After school, I waited in the library. I waited for Cole, but he never came by. Screw it. I didn’t need him. He wasn’t essential to the plan anyway. I made the final preparations. I checked my backpack. I poked around the hallways to make sure they were empty. I walked through the campus, maybe for the final time. I made my way to the front lawn.
Brian was sitting there, all by himself, just as I’d expected. He had the emptiest expression on his face, like a zombie. His mouth was hanging open, like a fish.
“Hey, Big Mack,” I said. “You wanna make a movie . . . ?”
He squinted at me. The wheels seemed to turn in his head. After a few seconds, something clicked.
“Wiley,” he said. “Wiley Otis.”
“Wow,” I said. “How’d you know my name?”
“You were in my econ class.”
“How’d you remember, though?”
“Because I’m very clever.”
I couldn’t help but smile at that. “Indeed you are, Brian. Indeed you are.”
I walked over to where he was sitting. I dropped my backpack and sat across from him.
“I know you’re smart,” I said. “As a matter of fact, that’s why I came to talk to you, buddy. Because I need your help.”
“Help with what?”
I unzipped my backpack and took out the nice HD camera I recently bought. “I’m making a movie,” I said. “A documentary, actually. And I want to interview you for it. How would you like that?”
Brian scratched his chest. “I dunno,” he said. “What’s the movie about?”
I held the camera to his face. I hit record. “Allegra Rey.”
“About Allie? Why?”
“Because she’s our friend. This is a surprise for her. Do you want to be in the movie?”
He shrugged. “Okay.”
I held out my fist. Without thinking, he held his out too. We bumped fists. We blew them up.
“I happened to notice you and Allie chatting it up at prom,” I said. “I’ve seen you two a lot together lately.”
“Oh yeah,” Brian said. “She’s my best friend.”
“Best friends. Exactly. And most of this year she’s eaten lunch with you every day, yes?”
“Yes.”
“And she helped you with rehearsals for the spring show, yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“And for several months she’s been coming to your house each night for your rehabilitation, right?”
“I don’t know what that means.”
“Does she come to your house or not?”
“Oh. Yeah. She comes over. We play games. We read books. I mean, we used to read books.”
I looked up from the camera. “Used to?”
“Well,” Brian said. “Allie doesn’t hang out with me anymore.”
I steadied my hand to keep it from shaking. I spoke again, in a softer voice. “May I ask, ah . . . what happened?”
Brian picked a clod of dirt out of the ground. He threw it away. “I don’t wanna talk about it.”
“No. Of course. I didn’t mean to pry. . . .”
“Things just got weird is all.”
I nodded. “Totally, totally. It’s your business. We can leave it at that.”
“Yeah,” Brian said. “Allie told me she got ‘overstimulated.’ ”
I repeated the word. “ ‘Overstimulated.’ ”
“Yeah,” he said. “But I don’t wanna talk about it.”
“For sure, for sure. I can respect that.”
Both of us sat. Neither of us spoke. I just let the camera do its thing.
Then I said something, in the lowest possible whisper. “Brian, would you say that you and Allie . . . became close?”
“What? Well, duh. We were best friends.”
“Did she ever share her deepest feelings with you?”
“What do you mean? Like did she talk about how she used to be friends with you? Only a little. She doesn’t like you that much anymore, but she’s over it. That’s what she said.”
I tried not to dwell on those words.
“No, no. What I’m saying is, did she ever reach out to you in a way that felt . . . above and beyond?”
“I don’t know what that means.”
“Brian, did she ever kiss you?”
“Well, uh . . .”
“Brian?”
“I don’t know. Um, I don’t know if I should—”
“Tell the truth, Brian.”
“Yeah, she did, but it was, like, normal I guess. Normal kissing.”
“Did she make out with you?”
“Yeah, yeah, she did, but that’s not the reason we stopped hanging out, you know, and like, why is this in your movie, because I don’t know why people would want to know about that, and like, why are you making a movie about her anyway—?”
“Did she ever . . . sleep with you?”
“WILEY!
“WILEY OTIS!
“STOP!!!”
• • •
Cole burst into view, rushing from the student lot. He sprinted like mad, his finger jabbing at my face. Brian beamed when he saw his old costar. I felt myself become small.
“Wiley,” Cole said, huffing as he reached us. “What the hell are you doing here?”
I crossed my arms. “What the hell weren’t you doing here?”
“Hey,” Brian said. “What’s going on?”
“Shut up,” I said.
“Shame on you,” Cole said. “I specifically said Operation Forest and Jenny was a no go.”
I couldn’t help but scoff. “You’re kidding me, right?”
“Turn that thing off,” Cole said, lunging for my hand.
“Screw you,” I said, jerking the camera away. “Whatever happened to ‘Don’t get
sad; get even’?”
“Wiley, this isn’t the way—”
“Who are you, Obi-Wan from the prequels?”
“There’s more to life than petty revenge.”
“Since when are you some noble saint?”
“Since five minutes ago, but you know the drill with Jesus; you can convert anytime.”
I let out a laugh. “I don’t believe it. I do not believe it. All this gossip stuff was your freaking idea to begin with, remember? What about Nikki?”
“Nikki?” Brian said. “Where?”
“Goddammit,” I said. “Shut up.”
“Be nice,” Cole said. “And you’re absolutely right. We made a mistake with Nikki, but now we can—”
“So we ruined her life, but now we get to walk away whistling?”
“Look, I regret what befell Nikki. We can’t ever let something like that happen again. And we’ll atone for it in time, but first we must change. Turn the camera off.”
“Make me.”
“Allegra has a future.”
“What about my future?”
“Let’s talk about your future.”
“You’re full of it, asshole.”
“Look, I’m not saying I’m one hundred percent reformed. But I can help you.”
I laughed again. I snorted. “This is all about your father, isn’t it?”
“So what if it is?”
“You’re still hung up on that stupid little pep talk, aren’t you?”
“Well, actually, he made some excellent points.”
“I don’t believe this. A few bullshit words from your deadbeat dad and suddenly you’re a goddamn guardian angel. Suddenly you of all people get to tell me how to live my life.”
“Just turn that camera off.”
“You can’t just change. You know that, right?”
“Turn that camera off.”
Cole dove at me and slapped the camera out of my hand. It bounced on the ground. It broke. The memory card popped out. Cole fell on the grass to claim it. I lunged at him. Cole tried to stick the card in his pocket. I seized his hand. I clutched his fingers. I bent his arm back. Cole wriggled free, but the card slipped out. I threw myself at it. So did he. We dove at the same time. Neither of us grabbed it. We were both on the ground, wrestling over control, fighting for the future.
Two Roads from Here Page 25
