by K. D. Worth
Immediately our first night in his dorm room popped into my head. I remembered him on top of me, thrusting and touching me everywhere while we kissed. We’d taken our shirts off, and even now I could feel the fire of our passion, the press of skin as we both desperately sought to replace pain and sadness with pleasure and joy.
My face flushed hot with embarrassment when my groin stirred.
Slade was watching everything I remembered.
Too late to keep the memories private, my mind flew like a TV on fast-forward through the other times we’d fooled around… kissing cookie dough off each other’s lips in the kitchen… Sarah catching us in the hallway with Kody’s hands down the back of my jeans and in my underwear… in the library, I’d straddled his lap, rolling and kissing like mad until pants were unzipped and we—
“No, no. No!” I said out loud, hands in the air. “That’s none of your business.”
Slade already spent all this time alone with my boyfriend, time that I didn’t get. I wasn’t going to allow him to share our private memories too.
I had to keep something that was just ours!
“Max,” Slade said so sharply I opened my eyes. “I’m going to tell you something and I will only tell you once.”
His stern demeanor almost had me snapping my feet together and saluting him. Instead, I zipped my lip and waited.
“Your jealousy of my relationship with Kody needs to stop.”
Face even hotter, I studied my feet, throat tight.
I’d told Kody I wasn’t jealous, but we both knew I was. I shouldn’t be jealous, but I couldn’t help it.
I was his boyfriend, not Slade.
When Slade spoke again, his voice remained firm but less assertive. “If you learn anything today, make it this: Kody needs me, and it’s different than the way he needs you. I know you wish that you didn’t have to share him, but that is not how the world works, kid.”
Ashamed, I merely nodded.
“And before you start to imagine the two of us running away together, or let yourself think that one day Kody will need me more than he needs you, I want you to remember what I’m going to tell you.” His face grew very serious. “And it does not leave this place. Swear it to me.”
A magical shift in the air fluttered my hair, and I understood when I promised silence, the oath could not be broken without facing serious consequences. “Okay, I swear. I won’t repeat what you tell me. Not even to Kody.”
Studying me for truth, he eventually nodded. And what he said next would’ve knocked my socks off had I been wearing any.
“I am an archangel of death.”
“Whoa,” I breathed.
Somewhere along the way I’d just assumed Slade had been human once and he’d simply moved up in the reaper ranks. Yet, he had told me we were all born and created to be exactly who we were meant to be.
“Indeed,” he agreed. “God created my kind in order to help deliver souls to heaven. We were given the power to create reapers to assist us. We are also messengers of God. His warriors. The first line of defense for the humans. But one thing archangels are not is sexual beings.”
“What?”
He pursed his lips and exhaled through his nose. “Some of the lesser angels feel sexual desires, but we do not. Think of it like this. Certain animals go into hibernation. You, as a sentient human, can observe how an animal does this and even understand their biological need for it. But understanding it and observing are not the same as having that instinct or desire. When I look at humans, I understand they were designed to experience love, both physically and emotionally. Humans have strong sexual urges, especially the ones your age. Whether for procreation or pleasure, sex—and more specifically the desire for intimate companionship—is a fundamental human need. But I do not possess the ability for those emotions. I can never feel for Kody the way you do because I’m not wired that way. Your sexual yearnings and your desire to have a mate are nothing more than scientific curiosities to me.”
I gaped, unsure how to process what he’d just told me. “I’m sorry,” I managed. “I didn’t understand.”
“There’s a lot you don’t understand, Max. Hell, there’s a lot that I don’t understand,” he said, sounding tired. “I’m only a Third Sphere angel. If I want to talk to God, I have to do so through the Seraphim.”
His eyes met mine, and I tried to absorb what he’d said to the best of my abilities. I sniffed and rubbed my face. Though it went against my every fiber, I quieted my questioning nature. He’d just trusted me with knowledge about himself that none of the other reapers had. Maybe he’d earned some of my rare patience.
Who knew, maybe I’d gained some of that wisdom too.
“Don’t get ahead of yourself, kid,” Slade said with a chuckle.
“Hardy har har.”
“Wisdom is difficult to master, whether you’re an archangel or a teenage reaper,” he said after a long moment, humor coloring his voice. “Even with all the knowledge in the world, it’s that tricky bit of understanding that brings it all together. And of course faith. Look, I know that you’re impatient. You question everything. It’s one of the things I like about you, but it’s also your biggest character flaw.”
“Thanks a lot.”
He shrugged, making no apologies. “It’s true. Patience is not your strong suit. There are a lot of things changing in your life right now, and it’s going to keep changing, faster every day. You’ll witness things you don’t understand, and you’ll get scared, angry even. You’ll have questions, some of which you won’t be ready to hear the answers to. Sometimes I won’t even have the answers to give you. So I’m asking you, as your friend, to have faith that God won’t keep everything a mystery for too long.” He gestured to the vast mountains just outside the doors. “The evidence of His love is all around us. Seeing it makes you understand that He has our best interests at heart. Things always work out the way they’re supposed to and when they’re supposed to.”
I nodded again, humbled in the presence of Slade more than I ever had been since we’d met. Not a mere reaper, Slade ranked way above me on the supernatural order of things. And here I’d been mouthing off to him like a brat all these years.
“I didn’t tell you this because I want to change the nature of our relationship,” he said, a slow smile stretching across his face and lightening his skin with a slightly holy aura. “I like giving you shit and your attitude amuses me.” He held up his finger and the illumination disappeared. “Sometimes,” he corrected. “I told you this because I want you to trust me when I tell you that right now the most important thing is for you to learn how to protect Kody. This petty jealousy is a distraction.”
“I’m sorry, but I—” I swallowed hard. “—but I can’t help it.”
“You’re only a kid,” he said with a begrudging sigh. “You’re going to feel what you’re going to feel until you work it out. I get that, but only when you let go of your fear, jealousy, and anger will you truly understand how to protect Kody. Now that you have this knowledge about me, can you try to show wisdom?”
Wanting to cry from embarrassment, I stared at my bare feet and nodded. “I’ll try,” I promised, knowing it was all I could do.
“I’m not angry with you, kid,” he said in a soothing whisper. “You’re one of the best reapers I’ve ever worked with. I knew the moment I saw your spirit standing on the side of the road that you were meant for something bigger.”
I brushed my eyes, wishing there wasn’t wetness there. “Yeah, and what’s that?”
“A couple months ago, you asked me why that wraith called you Protector, remember? I told you to be patient and concentrate on training Kody, then I would explain.” He offered me a smile, a twinkle in his eye. “Truth is, kid, you’ve been his protector since the moment you stepped on that bridge. You did more than save his mortal life from suicide and his body from a wraith possession. You saved his soul by teaching him to love himself again. I watch the two of you, and I know that you
’re still teaching him that every day. Love is your most powerful weapon. It’s the one thing that will keep him safe.”
Tilting my head, I said, “Seriously, I can love Kody all I want, but if wraiths come for him, how am I gonna keep him safe if I can’t stop them?”
“You’re getting ahead of yourself again.”
“And you’re kinda leaving us standing on those railroad tracks without a clue about the danger coming our way. How am I supposed to protect Kody if you won’t even teach me about trains?”
Slade laughed out loud. “You’re using my own illustration against me, eh? Well, don’t worry, I plan to teach you all about trains and lightning blasts. But Kody needs your support and love more than he needs you to fight wraiths. He’s still a long way from being okay.”
“What do you mean he’s not okay?”
“His heart is still fragile, Max. Maybe it always will be. I can teach you to be a killer marksman with a crossbow, or blast wraiths with a lightning power, but at the end of the day, if you’re not protecting his heart, what’s the use?”
I nodded, though telling me to love Kody wasn’t exactly advice I needed. Yes, my boyfriend had a rough go of it in his lifetime, rejected by his loved ones for the perfect, beautiful way God had made him, but I had no intention of allowing him to feel unworthy or unloved. We’d even said, “I love you,” today for the first time.
“Max,” he began. “I’m not saying you don’t love Kody. But you have to make sure to listen and understand where he’s coming from when he decides to open up to you. He’s got a lot going on, and he’ll need you to be patient, not just charge in like a ram and try to fix it for him.”
Those words had a chain reaction on my eyes and mouth. A few tears leaked out and my lips trembled. I squeezed the bridge of my nose to contain the rising emotions, the green-eyed monster flaring. He’s got a lot going on? Just what the hell were Kody and Slade talking about over their morning coffee?
“We have to cut this lesson short,” Slade announced suddenly. “I need you to go get Kody and take him home.”
“Take him home?” I repeated, shaking my head in confusion at his abrupt change in subject. “Where is he?”
“He’s at his mother’s again.”
“Again… but…?”
“He’s been visiting her every day,” Slade told me, his words another sucker punch. “I encouraged him not to, but apparently he listens about as well as you do. But the risks are too great right now for him to be there. You need to go get him.”
“W-what?” I spluttered. “Every day? But he said…?”
The room began to swim.
Kody lied to me?
Last month I’d asked him if he still visited his family, and he’d said no. I took it as a good sign, like he’d finally learned to accept his new life as a reaper. But all this time, he’d been lying….
Fighting down the feelings of betrayal before Slade picked up on them, I wiped at my face, getting myself under control.
A gentle hand rested on my shoulder, recalling the panic. “Kid, take a deep breath. No, he didn’t tell you. Do you know why?”
“Because he doesn’t trust me.” Not the way he trusts you.
“No, Max, he doesn’t want you to worry,” Slade said, raising a finger to stop me from interrupting. “You know how he is. It’s been years since I had a kid as guilt-ridden as Kody. He constantly thinks he’s a burden, but it’s our job to remind him he isn’t. That’s why you need to love him and support him, even when he’s being his own worst enemy. Now go get him, and talk to him. Communication is a big part of protecting him, understand?”
Sniffing, I nodded, trying not to let my emotions get the best of me in the face of his logic. Though I wanted to be mad, how could I blame Kody for still visiting his family?
When he’d been living, his mother had done everything in her power to fix his “sinning homosexual ways.” Since his death, she’d done a complete one-eighty. No gay kid in their right mind would want to miss such a turnaround. My father had been extremely opposed to anything gay, so I never had the courage to come out when I’d been alive. If I heard he joined PFLAG? Hell, I would want to watch it too. Anything to remind me I’d been loved—all of me.
Yes, it hurt me how Kody had kept secrets—and I would find out why—but there were more important matters at hand. With shades searching for him and the very real threat of wraiths, these visits were far too dangerous to continue.
“Exactly,” Slade said. “Now go, get this situation taken care of.”
MAX—Chapter 5
I LEFT Slade at his weird Japanese training ground and conjured some cooler clothes for myself. Didn’t want to meet my boyfriend wearing pajamas, even if that airy cotton had felt nice against my skin. Once I was satisfied my jeans, leather jacket, and hair looked good, I reached out into the universe for Kody’s presence.
When I materialized in the kitchen, Kody glanced up in surprise. “Hey, what are you doing here?”
“Was gonna ask you the same thing, babe,” I said, trying to sound light.
He’d managed to fit himself into one of the chairs halfway tucked in at the dining room table. With a mug of coffee and a book in front of him, he painted the picture of any other eighteen-year-old boy watching his mother make dinner. He ran his hands through his dark hair and answered my question, “Reading Jane Eyre.”
“What for?”
“It was on the syllabus for my English 101 class.”
Mouth open and eyes wide, I nodded, unsure of what to say. Witnessing the domestic scene set more alarm bells off than learning he’d kept these visits a secret. Well, he’d kept them a secret from me, not Slade.
Squashing my jealousy, I said, “So you’re doing homework that you don’t have to do in your mom’s kitchen?”
He shrank in on himself and folded a corner of the page, closing the book.
A million questions entered my mind. I thought he might be talking to his parents the way I used to do. Sometimes I would tell my mother my problems, my fears, and how lonely I was without her. I’d even yell at her until I became hoarse, demanding she answer me, though I knew she couldn’t hear me. And other times I would watch my dad working on his old Corvette in the garage. I would come out to him over and over, having one-sided arguments with him, telling him he was an asshole for hating gay people. Then I would cry and beg him to still love me.
All the usual unfinished dead person stuff.
But I never sat around doing homework.
“How did you know I was here?” Kody finally asked.
“Slade says you’ve been coming here every day. That true?” My voice wavered and I cleared my throat, feeling both satisfied and guilty when shame colored his face.
“I’m sorry I kept it from you,” he said in a tiny voice.
Fearing his answer, I whispered, “Why didn’t you tell me?”
He shrugged those skinny shoulders of his again. “I thought you might be mad.”
“Babe, why would I be mad considering all the shit I’ve done? You didn’t have to lie.”
He took in a sharp breath at the word. “I know, but I didn’t want to bother you.”
“You never bother me,” I said, fighting down irritation as I remembered Slade’s advice. “I love you, remember?”
“Well, I bother myself, so why wouldn’t I bother you too? It gets old being the guy everybody has to worry about.” His face crumpled. “For once I’d just like to be normal, ya know? Coming here”—he gestured around the room—“makes me feel normal.”
“Oh,” I said for lack of anything better to say.
I slid into the seat next to him, grateful it hadn’t been tucked in either. It would really spook the living if we could move their furniture or other corporeal things while in reaper form, so it wasn’t in our skill set. Then again, I had wanted to go to Jack’s dorm, take human form, and move his stuff around while he slept. The jerk. Jack had supposedly been Kody’s friend, but he’d planned to ta
ttle to Kody’s parents after seeing him outside a gay bar. That betrayal had been the trigger to push Kody into making the decision to end his life rather than go back to Camp Purity.
Jack had even hosted prayer circles to help Kody stop being gay!
Reapers weren’t supposed to hate anybody, but I couldn’t stand the kid.
Ever the kind, forgiving Christian, however, Kody said I wasn’t allowed to play poltergeist on anybody, even Jack.
I thought about bringing up the idea again, trying to make a joke to cut through the general air of seriousness in the room, but I didn’t. Instead, I joined Kody in watching his mother, Linda, go about the kitchen.
“So,” I began hesitantly, “is this what you usually do when you come here?”
“Sometimes.” Kody walked two fingers across the top of his book, watching his mom. “She’s making taco salad for the PFLAG chapter meeting tonight at her church. It’s her turn to bring food, I guess.”
“That’s nice of her.” What the hell else could I say?
“You’re not happy that I’m here, are you?”
“Well, after everything Slade told us this morning, I would’ve hoped that you stayed at the dorms while I was gone. Like you were supposed to do.”
He remained quiet for a moment, still staring at his mother. “How was your lesson?”
Frowning at the change of subject, I answered anyway, “Not as productive as I’d hoped.”
The lesson had been cut short because I had to come here and get Kody, not that I could tell him. While I’d learned Slade’s true identity, it still pissed me off he treated me like a little kid, picking and choosing what he thought I was and wasn’t ready to know. Dismissing that, because there wasn’t a damn thing I could do to get Slade to tell me what he was determined to keep secret, I said, “He explained what it means to be your protector.”
