The Wounded Heart

by K. D. Worth

  One eyebrow shot up and he faced me. “Yeah?”

  I ran a finger along his bare arm, pausing just before the twin to my obsidian band. “It’s my job to keep you safe, especially your heart.” I glanced at Linda fussing around the kitchen. “And I’m not sure coming here every day is good for your heart.”

  “You sound like Slade,” he said with a smile that held only bitterness. “He said the same thing this morning.”

  Hearing about their private coffee chats raised my hackles, but I didn’t want to be childish, and I needed to stop being so jealous.

  Time to cultivate wisdom, right?

  I took his hand in mine. There had been something off about Kody lately, and now I understood—he’d been keeping secrets from me. As if I’d just discovered a chasm between us I hadn’t noticed before, I desperately wanted to close it but I had no clue how. I obviously sucked at being a boyfriend if Kody confided things to Slade that he kept from me.

  “I’m supposed to protect you, but I’m more than a bodyguard. You should be able to tell me things, babe. I’m your boyfriend, your partner—” I swallowed hard and looked in his eyes, hoping to draw a smile out of him. “—your lover.”

  Kody’s cheeks reddened, and he glanced away bashfully. “Yeah. I guess you could say that. Sort of.”

  “Which part is only sort of?” I teased, rubbing his hand suggestively. “Being lovers?”

  Now his genuine smile was laced with sultry desire. “Well, we can hardly use that label.” He arched his brow, and my stomach fluttered low and near my groin as he added, “Yet.”

  “Maybe we can—”

  “Oh phooey!” Linda cried as she dropped a spatula, startling us both.

  Awkward, I sat back and coughed a few times. Kody chuckled with embarrassment.

  “So, um, you ready to leave and get back to work? Slade said he’ll be dropping off our next assignment in a little bit,” I said, wanting him out of this environment. Besides, we needed to be alone for the rest of this conversation, and while Linda couldn’t hear us, having her there really put a damper on sharing.

  Would we ever get a chance to be alone?

  Kody frowned. “I bet the others are gonna wonder why you’re still going with me on my cases.”

  “Maybe. But who cares?”

  “I care,” he insisted. “If they see you with me all the time, they’ll think I suck as a reaper.”

  “No, they won’t.”

  His eyes widened. “Yes, they will. What are we going to tell them?”

  “To mind their own flippin’ business.”

  “I’m being serious, Max.”

  I sighed, trying to be patient with Kody’s constant self-deprecation. “Okay, we won’t tell them anything. Maybe we can ask Slade to give us two files then we can transport out of the office separately and meet up without anyone being the wiser. Cool?”

  After a long pause, he nodded. “Yeah, okay, I like that. It’s bad enough I’m the only suicide kid in the group. I don’t need them to think I can’t hack it as a reaper.”

  I wasn’t too happy to hear Kody drawing a line between himself and our friends. Even in death, he didn’t feel like he fit in, and I hadn’t even noticed until just now.

  Jeez, I’m the worst boyfriend ever.

  Rather than say that, I tried to be upbeat. “You’re a helluva better reaper than all of them put together.”

  He grinned. “Except you and Meegan, you mean.”

  “Naturally,” I agreed with a smug grin.

  “Are you going to be training with Slade every day?”

  “I’m not sure, but I think so. He has this studio up in the mountains. It’s really neat.”

  “Should I be jealous that Slade is whisking you off for mountain getaways?” Kody teased, waggling his brows.

  I crossed my arms and frowned. “Not cool.”

  He laughed. “Okay, I won’t pick on you anymore. But what am I supposed to do while you’re training? Just hang out at the dorm?”

  “Well, you can’t come here,” I told him, gesturing around the room. “This is your last time.”

  Kody’s posture deflated, and he glanced at his mom. He said nothing.

  “Look, babe,” I began, trying to soften the blow, “after what Slade told us, we need to be more cautious. It won’t be very hard for the shades to figure out you’re coming here, ya know?”

  “Yeah, I know.”

  “And where shades are, wraiths follow.”

  He shuddered. “Don’t remind me.”

  “You need to say your good-byes.” I took his trembling hand in mine. “It hurts, I know. I’ve been here in this exact moment, but Meegan convinced me I had to stop seeing my parents.”

  “What did she say?”

  “You know, her typical I’m smarter than I look crapola,” I said with a playful smile. “That eventually we all have to move on, no matter how much it hurts.”

  “I know I need to move on, but it’s so hard,” he confessed, blue eyes wide and beseeching. “That’s why I didn’t tell you. Sitting here, pretending to do my homework while she’s doing all this stuff to support me, just feels good, ya know?”

  Patting his hand, I assured him, “Your mother loved you, Kody. She was just confused before.”

  He gave me a watery smile. “I know. Watching her makes it easier to believe. It calms me. Everything is changing so fast, and now this stuff about the shades?” He shuddered. “This is like my Fortress of Solitude. Somewhere I can come to just relax and be at peace. Where I can escape all my problems.”

  Once more I wished Kody and I had a place like that.

  A sudden terrible thought occurred to me.

  Did Kody come here to escape me?

  My heart skipped and I squashed the rising panic. Kody hadn’t told me about coming here because he didn’t want to bother me, and if he found out I was worried or upset, it would add more fuel to a fire I wanted to extinguish forever. I had to be calm, try to be understanding like Slade said. Reassure Kody I wasn’t mad and he was loved.

  I could do that, right?

  But all I wanted to do was forbid him from coming here, lock him away in my room, and protect him from everyone and everything that might cause him the teensiest amount of sadness or pain.

  Totally unrealistic, I knew that.

  I heaved a sigh. “Babe, I’m so glad your mother supports your memory. But you have to remember she’s supporting a memory. You’re dead. Coming here is making it harder to go on with your life. You have to move on. I know it hurts, and I know it really sucks that you’re not part of their life anymore but—”

  The back door opened.

  As one, Kody and I turned when Britany walked into the room.

  KODY—Chapter 6

  I’D ONLY gone to visit my sister one time since my death. I couldn’t handle her grief. In some ways it was worse than seeing my father weeping at night for me. Watching her walk into the perfect Martha Stewart environment of our mother’s kitchen was a sucker punch.

  Instantly I reached out for Max’s hand.

  Thank God it was there.

  “Hey, do you wanna go?” he whispered.

  I shook my head, but I loved him so much for asking. Though I’d disappointed him by keeping secrets, I needed his support. Despite everything, I knew I had it.

  “No, in a minute,” I said, wanting to see how my family interacted.

  Max nodded and squeezed my hand. The warmth of his skin on mine gave me courage.

  “Hi, sweetie!” Mom exclaimed, face bright. “I didn’t know you were stopping by.”

  The pain that hit me took me surprise. Until just then I didn’t realize how badly I longed to hear Mom call me sweetie.

  But she didn’t even know I was there.

  Britany curled her lip in disgust. “Dad texted you that I was coming to get my yearbook.”

  “Oh yeah.” Her smile only faded for an instant before another one took its place.

  Before I’d become a rea
per, I never noticed the subtle differences in my mother’s expressions, but now they were so obvious. The happiness at seeing her daughter, followed by the fleeting stab of pain in her blue eyes when Britany was only there for a yearbook. Then the fake smile.

  How many times had she given me the same false smile to mask her disappointment?

  My hand clutched tighter to Max’s.

  “Whatever,” Britany said heading upstairs to her bedroom.

  It was so easy to read someone’s facial expressions when they didn’t think anyone was watching. All of their cards were on the table and they could not hide. The longing in my mother’s eyes as she watched her only living child disappear up the stairs tore at my heart.

  Mom’s lips trembled but she pursed them together, burying her pain by chopping bell peppers and onions. The savory aroma filled my nostrils, and despite the fact I did not require food, it made my mouth water. Mom had always been a great cook, teaching me everything I knew about baking. Our family dinners had been amazing—except for the arguing. Nothing, not even sitting down to a delicious meal, had made any of us happy.

  Understanding hit me like a brick.

  Slade was right.

  It wasn’t my fault they were getting a divorce. How could it be?

  My family had been broken long ago.

  Mom still lived in her imaginary bubble, and I’d been right here with her, pretending our family hadn’t been a colossal mess, full of tension and arguing. My everyday normal had been Mom nagging Dad until he went to the basement to watch his TV. Then there would be some back-and-forth screaming and slamming of doors between her and Britany. No wonder they didn’t notice me crying myself to sleep every night. But come Sunday morning, we would all put on the same fake smile Mom wore right now. We would head off to church to listen to a sermon and some amazing Christian rock band, no one the wiser that we were all miserable.

  Just like me pretending to be straight, our happiness had been a lie, nothing but an act.

  How had I forgotten?

  And now here I sat, repeating the same mistakes. Blaming myself and thinking the way I had when I’d been alive—that if I’d been straight, none of this would’ve happened. Had being gay caused my parents to sleep in separate rooms from the time I was in first grade? I hadn’t known I was gay back then, and I was pretty sure no one else did either, so why had I blamed myself?

  I let out a trembling sigh. “I’ve been so stupid.”

  “What do you mean?” Max asked, squeezing my hand.

  Britany returned to the kitchen before I could answer.

  I didn’t know how to explain it anyway, without delving into heavy subjects I wasn’t ready to visit. Especially not now.

  A skinny, unfamiliar-looking shell of the girl I’d known my whole life, Britany had a book tucked under her arm. The pink pashmina around her shoulders didn’t really hide her thinness any more than the perfect makeup hid the dark circles under her eyes.

  Had she been sick recently?

  Mom smiled. “Would you like to stay for dinner? I’m making taco salad for our PFLAG chapter, but there’s more than enough.”

  She rolled her eyes. “No, I have shit to do.”

  “Don’t swear, honey,” Mom scolded, drawing an even bigger eye roll out of Britany. “It’s not ladylike.”

  A mechanical buzzing drew everyone’s attention to the kitchen island. Mom’s cell phone vibrated across the granite.

  Britany slammed her yearbook onto the counter, and we all jumped. Then she snatched up the phone, her face exploding with rage. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

  Max and I flinched.

  Mom’s eyes got huge. “Britany! Watch your mouth!”

  Ignoring that, she waved the phone in accusation. “This,” she said with utter contempt. “This is your screen saver?”

  For a flash Mom looked chagrined. “Yes, it’s a really cute picture,” she finally said turning her back on Britany.

  “Where the hell did you get it?”

  “I found it on Kody’s phone. He took it right before the accident.”

  I glanced at Max, horrified. “She went through my phone? Do you think she read my text messages?”

  Offering me a sympathetic shrug, he said, “Probably, babe. My mom went through all my stuff too. The dead have no privacy.”

  I didn’t know if I was more embarrassed or angry that she’d gone through my phone. I had a lot of personal stuff on there. Sexy pics of guys I’d found on Tumblr, the second Facebook account I used so no one could know what I really did, the conversation I’d had with Jack when he caught me kissing a man outside a bar near campus. And—oh my God! I never deleted that Grindr app! She could have totally found the profile I made. I wished I could explain to her how lonely I’d been and that I’d never hooked up with anyone from there.

  Then again, what was the point now?

  I was dead, and they would remember me however they wanted. I had no privacy, and there would never be a chance to make any of them understand anything.

  Rolling trembling lips between my teeth, I brushed at my face, not surprised to feel wetness on my eyelashes. Max didn’t notice, thankfully, his attention riveted on the scene unfolding before us.

  Britany stared evil lasers at our mom’s back, the phone clutched tight in her grip. “You know this was his boyfriend, right?”

  “Yes, I do.”

  Then I realized what pic they were talking about. The selfie I’d taken of me and Max when I’d given him a piggyback ride down the steps the morning after we met. Mom was using that as a screen saver on her phone… why?

  “The night before Kody died, I picked the two of them up,” Britany said with a smug grin. “They were on a date, you know. I took them both back to Kody’s dorm. At night.”

  She embellished to hurt Mom, but rather than provoke a fight, Mom gave Britany a pleasantly surprised smile as she transferred the vegetables into a skillet heating on the stove. “Oh? I didn’t know you met Max.”

  “Max,” Britany spat the name and my boyfriend flinched. “Don’t you dare pretend you supported them. If Kody hadn’t died, you would’ve manipulated him until he dumped that kid, and you fucking know it. Then you would’ve sent him back to that shitty camp where he probably would’ve killed himself for real. But now you have their picture on your phone like you’re the proud parent of a gay son. And making taco salad for some stupid PFLAG group? You make me sick.”

  Very calmly, Mom turned the burner off and faced Britany. “I admit that I’ve made mistakes—”

  “I notice that you never say you’re sorry for those mistakes.”

  “—and I’ve learned from my mistakes,” Mom continued, talking over her.

  Britany tossed the phone onto the counter as if she couldn’t get it away from herself fast enough. “Not once have the words ‘I’m sorry’ come out your mouth, Linda.”

  Mom stared her down. “What do you want me to say?”

  Throwing out her frail arms, my sister waved them in frustration. “I want you to say you’re fucking sorry! I want you to say you’re sorry for sending Kody away because you didn’t want him to be gay! I want you to admit that you were more worried about impressing those assholes at your church than loving us for who we are! And I want you to say you’re sorry for making my little brother try to kill himself! Can you do that? Are you even capable of admitting what you did?”

  “I can’t change the past—”

  “I wish you would’ve died instead of Kody!”

  The venom in her words stole the breath right from my lungs. Beside me, Max gasped.

  Mom froze in horror.

  “You should’ve been the one hit by that van,” Britany said, revulsion seething from her very pores. She narrowed her eyes and shook her head. “I hate you, Linda. I really do.”

  “No,” I whispered, heart breaking at the absolute conviction and abhorrence in my sister’s face. Max tightened his hold on my hand and I felt his support so strongly, but it didn’
t stop the shaking.

  “Kody tried to kill himself, but you left him at that place,” Britany went on in an eerily calm voice. “You never gave a fuck about him when he was alive, and now you just do this gay pride shit to make yourself look good. You’re such a fucking hypocrite.”

  “Don’t you dare talk to me like that!” Mom slammed her hands down on the counter and bits of pepper and onion fell from the cutting board to the ground. “I am your mother and I deserve respect!”

  “Like hell you do! You ruined everything. Kody was the best part of this family, but you never saw it. You just wanted to fix what wasn’t broken!”

  “I was trying to follow scriptural guidelines!”

  Just like old times, the screaming and fighting echoed around the kitchen. I struggled with an overwhelming urge to cover my ears and run to my bedroom so I could bury my head under a pillow.

  How many times had I done that in my lifetime?

  I’d honestly lost count.

  “Scriptural guidelines?” Britany scoffed. “You can shove your scriptures up your ass. I’m sick of all your holy-roller shit. What kind of God would take my little brother away by hitting him with a van?”

  The look of horror on my mother’s face could only be outdone by the one I wore. My stomach knotted and I began to cry. “I never should have come here,” I whispered to Max.

  “C’mon, let’s go,” he urged, pulling on my hand.

  But I couldn’t move.

  “Don’t be blasphemous in my house,” Mom ordered, placing an affronted hand to her chest, her genuine offense almost comical after all the shouting.

  “Fuck you, Linda.” Britany grabbed for her car keys on the counter and her pink pashmina slipped off a shoulder.

  Mom’s eyes widened and she grabbed Britany’s wrist. “What is this?”

  For a moment the two women wrestled as Britany fought to break her grip. “Let go of me, goddammit!”

  Before I saw it coming, Mom slapped Britany across the face. “Stop swearing!”

  Frozen in shock, Britany stopped fighting, and through my tear-filled eyes I noticed what Mom was talking about.

  Needle marks all up and down her arm.