by K. D. Worth
One brow shot up. “Excuse me?”
“That’s right,” I said. “I don’t care if he gave you that fancy black bracelet, I’m your protector and that means I have to keep you safe.”
“I don’t know how I feel about that.”
“Too bad, so sad,” I said, feeling more confident in my decision as I spoke. “I’ll go talk to Britany but only if you promise that you won’t show up or get involved.” I held up my pinky, our personal vow and the most serious of all. “Pinky swear it right now or this whole plan is over.”
Kody linked his little finger with mine. “I pinky swear.”
“I pinky swear what?” I prompted, not letting go.
“I pinky swear that I won’t show up when you talk to her, and I won’t interfere.”
After one more shake for good measure, I said, “Good. And you have to trust me that I’ll tell you everything she said. Honestly I don’t want you anywhere near your family for a while.”
“Boy, you’re taking this whole protect-Kody thing to a whole new level of bossy.”
I gave him an earnest look. “It’s not a joke, babe. I can’t let you go through something like that again. I can’t bear seeing you cry. It kills me every time.”
“But you’re already dead,” he countered with a mischievous arch of brow.
“Please,” I begged. “Just let me keep you safe. Even your heart, okay?”
Kody gave me a watery smile. “You really meant it, don’t you?”
“What?”
“That you love me.”
“Of course I do, dumb-dumb,” I told him. “I love you like crazy. And it hurts me when you hurt, and when you cry, it makes me cry.”
Since Kody had come into my life, it had become a natural instinct to pray anytime I was scared, and devising a plan to break not only Slade’s orders, but more reaper rules, was enough to scare the bejesus out of me.
Lord,
Please make this all work out. I know I shouldn’t be doing this, but if I don’t, Kody will do it alone, and I can’t have that. I’ll be careful, but Kody needs this. I can’t bear watching him worry about his family and blaming himself for their problems. He deserves to be happy!
Amen
“This whole thing reminds me of the night we met,” I continued out loud. “And that sad boy you used to be. I don’t ever want to see him again. I thought we were fixing that. But….”
It took me a few seconds to realize I was crying. Kody crossed the tiny room and pulled me to my feet. He took me back into his arms, rubbing my back and shushing me. “Max, don’t cry. I’m a lot better than I was back then.”
Kody was the one hurting, but his kind nature, his gentleness, drove him to comfort me. And rather than protecting Kody, heart and body, I was acting like a scared and jealous fool, not the valiant protector I needed to be. Though he’d tried to end his own life when he’d been human, I was beginning to understand that Kody was a lot stronger than I would ever be.
“I love you, Kody,” I said, smoothing his T-shirt.
“I love you too,” he assured me. “I can handle all of this as long as I have you. I wanna think I deserve to be happy, I really do. Do you believe me?”
“Yes.”
Now if only I believed I could keep him safe.
MAX—Chapter 11
I MATERIALIZED on the quad at Union College.
It had been a week since Kody and I witnessed the fight between Britany and his mom and our subsequent argument. I assumed we were good but feared pushing too hard by asking. He stuck to his room and hadn’t really hung out with the rest of the group much. He didn’t even bake anything yesterday.
Like Meegan had told me, though, I didn’t ask him what was wrong. I wanted to respect his privacy, but mostly I was afraid of the answer he might give me. He’d gone to his mother’s to escape, and now that he couldn’t, what if he stayed in his room to avoid me?
Kody had not let up asking when I planned to go talk to his sister. Between begging Meegan to let me in on our romantic surprise, our actual day job of helping charges to heaven, and more grueling training sessions with Slade—today was my first opportunity to get away unnoticed.
Well, mostly unnoticed.
God knew what I was up to, but hopefully one of His archangels didn’t.
One glance around the quad assured me I was the only supernatural being nearby. I’d given up trying to pretend God wasn’t aware of my every move and had instead found peace in that knowledge. Sure Slade could be intimidating, and he never told me what I wanted to know, but God… well? He was different. Instead of punishing me for disobeying a direct order to save Kody, He’d gifted me with the love of the most wonderful boy in the whole universe.
Now school was still out on whether or not I had been rewarded for disobedience. My pessimistic boyfriend sure thought that was what happened, but I believed God had plans for Kody and He’d wanted me to save him.
Chalk it all up to one of those mysteries I “wasn’t ready to know about.” I could spend time worrying about the technicalities of it all, or just be grateful and thank God every day for the joy He’d brought to the life of this lonely little reaper.
Today, I chose to believe the latter.
I felt Britany’s presence about twenty yards away from where I’d transported into an alley unseen. Four no-good stoners sat on a picnic table with her, and they were all smoking. Not that I should judge them, but hey, I had seen the marks on her arms, so it was more of an educated guess than a judgment.
Playing it casual, I stuffed my hands in my pockets and strolled over, close enough that she would see me, yet far enough away I didn’t appear to be intentionally trying to be noticed. There were quite a few kids outside, playing Frisbee, reading, and soaking up the last vestiges of summer in Ohio. And right along with them were the addicts, puffing away on their cancer sticks.
About an arm’s length away from her, I paused and pretended to notice her for the first time. “Britany?”
She faced me, looking confused or high—maybe a bit of both. When her face lit up with recognition, it was in no way welcoming. “Oh,” she sneered. “It’s you.”
“Yeah, it is,” I agreed, feeling both awkward and defensive. I hadn’t expected such a cool greeting. “How are you?”
She rolled her eyes and climbed off the picnic table. “I’m just fucking perfect, thanks for asking.”
“Sorry,” I said. “That was a stupid thing to ask.”
“Yeah, it was.” She took a long drag on her cigarette, the action hollowing out her cheeks more than they already were.
“So, you got a minute?” I asked. “To, like, talk?”
Jeez, that sounded lame.
Britany stared at me for so long, I didn’t think she’d heard me. Then she glanced at her friends, each of them wearing mildly curious expressions. Yeah, definitely high. Britany nodded to the skinny blond guy, then leaned in to kiss him. “Gimme a sec.”
“Whatever, babe,” he said, slapping her ass as she followed me.
It grossed me out hearing him call Britany the same endearment I used for Kody.
Maybe I’d have to come up with something new. Honey? Darling? Sugar lips? Hot stuff?
No, those were all stupid. Dang it, I liked calling Kody “babe.” Why did this pothead have to ruin it?
“What do you want?” she demanded.
I resisted the urge to wave my hand in front of my face when she exhaled sharply, sending stinky smoke my way. I didn’t think it was an accident. “I cared about Kody too, ya know?”
Her face softened, and then she took another drag on her cancer stick. “At least that makes some of us.”
Though she referred to their mother, I couldn’t let on that I knew. I gave her a smile. “Is there anything I can do to help?”
She scrunched up her face just like Kody did when annoyed. “It’s a little late for that, don’t ya think?”
“It’s never too late, Britany,” I said, wondering if she
would even understand what I meant. Damn, this was a whole lot harder than I thought it would be.
“Why didn’t you come to the funeral? If you wanted to help, you should’ve come then.”
“Really?” I said, letting my sarcasm drip. Her confrontational attitude pissed me off. “Yeah, having the boyfriend show up at the funeral would’ve gone over really well with your mother.”
She gave me a begrudging smirk. “I guess you have a point.”
“I wanted to come,” I said, remembering the agony I’d gone through during those dark days. Though I could feel the heat rising, I didn’t allow that pain to take control of my emotions this time.
Apparently my training with Slade was helping.
I had gone to the funeral, not that I could tell her because I’d been in reaper form. It had been a sunny, perfect autumn day and horribly depressing. But while I’d grieved after his death, I’d had something Britany didn’t.
Hope.
I knew heaven was real because I took people there every day. With Britany’s loss of faith, to her, Kody was nothing more than a memory.
My stomach began to hurt. Sure, my life had been horrible when I thought he’d crossed over, but at least I understood he was in heaven being taken care of. Britany didn’t have that. No wonder she turned to drugs.
“So is that all you wanted to say?”
“No,” I said… but how do I say it?
“Well, go on, spit it out,” Britany said, glancing over her shoulder to her friends.
I studied the deadbeats. “They look like a rough crowd.”
“You’re one to judge,” she snapped. “You don’t see me mocking your people and how some of them look, wearing eyeliner and rainbow tutus.”
My mouth twisted into a frown. My people. What a crappy thing to say. “That’s not what I meant.”
“Look, Max,” she began, tossing her spent cigarette into the grass and crushing it with her boot, “I don’t give a fuck what you think of my friends. They’ve been here for me since Kody died. And that’s a lot more than I can say for anybody else.”
“I wanted to be here—”
“Yeah, yeah, my bitch of a mother would’ve pitched a fit,” she said. “Save your breath. I get it.”
“I don’t really know what to say,” I began, trying a new tactic. “I loved Kody, I really did. Losing him….” My voice cracked. “You know, I saw him get hit.”
“I didn’t know that,” she said, sounding somewhat chagrined. “Sorry.”
I took a deep nasal breath, concentrating for a moment on my training, keeping my power under control. I could feel it there, but after a few breaths, the urge to release it faded. “Every day that I wake up, I think about what Kody would want me to do. How he would want me to live my life. Yeah, it hurts like hell to lose him, I know,” I said, growing impassioned. “But he’s the most selfless soul I’ve ever known. He would want us to be happy, healthy.”
I glanced down at her cigarette butt, and she crossed her arms. “You’re trying to use my brother’s death to get me to stop smoking? You’re a real piece of work, buddy.”
“No, that’s not what I mean,” I argued, though it kinda was. “I just wanted to tell you that meeting Kody changed my life. He helps me be a better, kinder person. You know how good and honest and loving he is? I try so hard to follow in his footsteps, though sometimes it’s almost impossible. No one can ever be as kind as Kody.”
Her eyes had grown watery, and she wasn’t looking at me. “You really did love him, huh?”
“I love him with all my soul.”
“Well, I’m sorry, then.” She gave me a cold glare. “But you’re talking about him like he’s still here. And he’s not. He’s dead.”
I reached out for her arm but stopped, knowing my touch would be like ice. “Kody is in a better place now. You have to believe that.”
She scoffed. “A better place? I can’t believe you buy into that crap too.”
“What crap?”
“Heaven,” she snapped. “After the way Christians treat gay people, how can you even believe anything they say? Kody isn’t in a better place, Max. He’s nowhere but in the dirt. His blood is on the tires of the van of some asshole who wasn’t looking where he was going. He’s gone from my life, and you know what? The next time you see me, don’t stop and say hi.”
Then she walked away.
I felt Kody’s presence behind me in reaper form.
“I thought you pinky swore that you wouldn’t come,” I said in his mind as he joined me.
“I didn’t interfere.”
Okay, I would let it slide. “How long have you been here?”
His eyes locked on his sister as she took a cigarette from the blond guy. “Long enough.”
“What do you wanna do?”
“What can I do if she won’t even talk to you?” he asked, sounding annoyed. “It’s not like you’ll let me talk to her.”
I looked at him, beseeching. “Babe….”
“Forget it,” he snapped, disappearing and leaving me standing there by myself.
KODY—Chapter 12
WHY IS there a water stain on my bedroom ceiling?
I’d been staring at it for an hour, asking myself that question over and over. A water stain meant faulty plumbing, but our dorms didn’t have plumbing. We had showers and taps—no toilets—but I’d looked under the sinks once and found no pipes. The water just appeared.
So what was with the water stain?
Was it Slade’s way of subliminally telling us the world wasn’t perfect? That there were imperfections and mistakes everywhere?
Or was I just bored out of my mind?
Heaving a sigh, I rolled onto my side. A tiny Eiffel Tower statue sat on my nightstand. After we’d “climbed” to the top, we took an elevator down rather than teleporting, and it was pretty cool seeing the city through all that iron as we traveled down one of the four legs. Once outside, street vendors had accosted us, carrying large rings full of Eiffel Tower statues. Though cheesy, I conjured a few more euros and insisted we each get one to remember our perfect morning in Paris. The memory brought me happiness, but I was too weary to smile.
Would I ever get a chance to have fun like that again?
No, our life’s too complicated for leisurely strolls in Paris.
Slade had been keeping Max busy with training, and from the way it sounded, it was going really well. I supposed that was a good thing. When the wraiths eventually attacked me, it would be nice if he could keep us alive.
I shivered.
What could the shades want with me? Did it have to do with this supposed higher purpose I was destined for? Were they going to use me for something? What would happen if they were distracting me when the wraiths came? What if the wraiths were too powerful for Max? What if he wasn’t there?
“Stop thinking about it!” I scolded myself out loud.
Snatching up the deck of cards beside the little Eiffel Tower, I shuffled them absently. Though nowadays I could do real magic, the tactile feel of the paper in my hands soothed me, but even the act of shuffling cards sapped what little energy I had left. I was totally exhausted. The biggest highlight of being a reaper—aside from Max—should’ve been the joy of taking people to heaven and helping them find peace.
Lately it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.
Our last charge had been a middle-aged orthopedic surgeon who absolutely refused to believe God existed. The longer I spoke with her, reasoned with her, the more exhausted I became, like she was literally sucking the energy right out of me. If it hadn’t been for Max opening the door and saying, “Look, lady, why don’t you just walk through the door and see for yourself?” I wondered if the woman would have turned into a shade like all the stories in Ed Carter’s journal. Either way, she’d utterly exhausted me.
Thankfully Max didn’t notice what a lousy reaper I was turning out to be.
Not only did it physically drain me when I helped souls cross over, bu
t since we’d visited Britany, I was terrified I might find her name on our assignment files. How long would she stay off Slade’s list? She was on a downward spiral, and I could do nothing to stop it.
After the incident in the kitchen, I’d lost the desire to return to Mom’s. Maybe one day in the far future I might stop by, but for now I needed to stay away. She’d joined PFLAG to ease her own conscience over what she’d done to me, not because she was my number one supporter.
Maybe it was a bit of both, but how could I really know for sure?
The constant tension in our household when I’d been alive had been like a weight I’d carried inside me, the pressure physically painful at times. Britany had always seen through the plastic front Mom presented to the world. The “perfect” Michaels were a model Christian family. A gay son would never fit into that picture so Mom tried to fix it. She tried to make Britany perfect too, but Britany didn’t play along like I did. She’d stopped being in the beauty pageants—much to Mom’s disappointment and with lots of yelling—because she hated how fake it all was. Britany was real to the core. I’d always admired my sister for her courage to be herself because I couldn’t do the same. I took after Dad. He’d given up long ago, doing everything Mom told him, nothing more than a lifeless drone.
And here I’d been blaming myself for their divorce?
I was such an idiot.
In a way, each member of my family was a victim of Linda Michaels’s quest for perfection. She set unattainable goals for all of us, including herself. Britany had resurrected a truth about my family I’d all but forgotten, buried away because I’d had so much else to worry about. I’d never thought about how unhealthy our family really was until now. They were just as messed up without me as with me.
It was a sad epiphany.
But how could I just sit back and let Britany fall when she’d always supported me?
After he talked to her, Max said I needed to let it go. Easier said than done. I’m sure he suspected I might go see Britany by myself while he trained with Slade, and I wasn’t entirely sure I wouldn’t. Fingering the bracelet on my wrist—the stone warm with power—I wondered if its magic would be enough to keep me safe if I went out on my own.
