by K. D. Worth
The powerful archangel narrowed swirling black eyes at the two of us cowering together and all but atop a bleeding girl. He took a deep breath through his nose, sounding like the Slade I thought I knew. With a flutter of those immense wings, he shrank to his regular size. His face returned to normal and his hair became blond and shaggy once more.
“What happened?” he asked more calmly. The wings on his back folded inward, disappearing like the swords. He was suddenly clothed in black leather pants and an “I Say Fuck A Lot” T-shirt—had he been naked before?
“I-I, um, we…,” I began, my heart still pounding.
“It’s my fault,” Kody cried. “Max didn’t do anything. Neither did Meegan. They were just helping me. And Heather—”
I placed a hand on my babbling boyfriend and shook my head. Eyes brimming with tears again and blood peppering his face, he created a truly heartbreaking picture.
Hands on his hips, Slade took in the whole room with one sweeping gaze. A shimmer of magic went through our bodies as he returned us to our natural reaper state. He glanced at Meegan. She didn’t seem startled by his creepy other form nor did she appear the least bit penitent.
Then again she hadn’t done anything wrong.
Before I could explain, a soft girl’s voice asked, “Kody, is that you?”
Jolting in surprise—damn, what now?—I turned around.
Britany’s spirit stood beside us.
KODY—Chapter 19
AT THE sight of my sister’s spirit, I leapt to my feet, but my knees buckled and I stumbled.
“Max, help him,” Slade ordered. “Hold his hand. That’s your job.”
Knowing he would be there, I extended my hand and collapsed onto the arm of the couch. Max clasped that hand, holding tight.
His wonderful warmth filled me, and slowly I caught my breath. Though still spent from touching that wraith—what had I done?—Max refueled what it had taken. For an instant, I wondered if I was hurting him, taking from him the way charges took from me, but when I met his gaze, he smiled, nervous, but by no means weak.
A silent understanding passed between us.
Still sitting, I pressed our clasped hands to my heart.
“Kody, what’s happening? Am I dead?” my sister asked, her blue eyes wide.
Glancing at the two bodies on the couch, I shivered then looked back at her. In a few heartbeats, her frail body filled out, returning to the healthy girl I’d known before I died.
“Yes, I’m so sorry, Brit,” I managed.
She stared at the blood-drenched pillow on the floor. Then at our crimson-stained hands clasped against my blood-soaked shirt. I heard her confusion, the questions in her mind she was unable to articulate. Gaping at the trickling wound on her lifeless body, she whispered, “Was I… murdered?”
“Yes,” I told her honestly.
“Why are you guys covered in my blood?” She stared right at Max. “Did you—?”
“I most certainly did not murder you,” Max declared, stepping closer and placing his other hand protectively on my shoulder. “We tried to save you.”
Smiling, I patted him. Then I noticed all the blood had disappeared. My shirt was clean again too. I glanced at Slade with a nod of thanks. We’d probably looked like something out of a horror flick to Britany.
“I don’t understand,” she began. The echo of her jumbled thoughts filled my head, fluttering and unclear. That wraith had exhausted me, but the longer I stayed connected to Max, the stronger I became and the clearer her thoughts were to me.
Where did the blood go, and why is Kody here? “You’re dead,” she said aloud to me. “And I’m dead….”
“Yes,” I agreed, feeling intrusive listening to her thoughts.
Sweeping the room, she pointed at everyone. “B-but… then h-how can they see us?”
I smiled, surprised, yet not really surprised, my sister accepted this so easily.
She’d always been clever.
“That’s because they’re dead too,” I told her, holding out my free hand so she could come to me. I thought I was too weak to get off the couch, but the moment I touched her, I found the energy to stand. Letting go of Max, I took her hand in both of mine, but my boyfriend never broke our connection, feeding me his strength through a gentle touch on the small of my back.
“Britany,” I began, trying to find the easiest human explanation I could come up with. “Max and I”—I gestured to Meegan too—“we’re grim reapers.”
“What?” This is insane, she thought.
I pointed at Slade. “He’s our boss and he’s an angel.”
“In that shirt?” she questioned, nodding at the profane warning on our boss’s chest.
“Well, he kinda does,” I told her with an amused sniff. “We take people to heaven.”
“Heaven?” She scrunched up her face and shook her head. There’s no such place, what a joke!
“It’s not a joke,” I told her, well aware of Slade watching me intently. “Heaven is real.”
“No,” she said, less sure this time. That can’t be true… can it?
Even as I heard the arguments in her mind, the pull of her spirit resisted just like the others had. But I had to help her. I owed her so much for all the times she’d supported me. Even on the last night of my life, she’d been there for me, keeping my relationship with Max a secret and never judging me. I’d trusted her with everything, and I couldn’t allow her lack of faith to render her a victim of this “shade epidemic.”
“Brit, God and heaven are real,” I said.
“No—”
“What reason would I have to lie to you?”
“You mean….” She darted another wary glance at Slade before focusing back on me. “This really isn’t a joke? All of this is real? I was murdered and you’re gonna take me to heaven?”
“Yeah, that about sums it up,” Max chimed in.
Face crumpling, Britany crushed my hands with a suddenly fierce grip. “Whether it’s real or not, I don’t wanna go to heaven.”
“Brit—”
“No,” she insisted, impassioned. “We have so much to catch up on. You were dead… but now you’re here.” I can’t believe Kody’s here! He’s really here…. Then her hands were running over my face, ruffling up my hair. “I wanna stay here, with you.”
Grabbing her hands to keep them out of my hair, I shot a hopeful look at Slade. But he gave me a stern, barely discernible shake of his head.
Tears burned my vision and I fought the pain. This was really the end of her story. She had died and would not be joining our team.
“You can’t stay here with me,” I told her when I found my voice.
“Why not?” she argued. “I don’t wanna leave you again.”
“You have to,” I insisted. The pull of her dead soul struggling to remain in this world slowly sapped what little energy I’d regained after touching the wraith. I grabbed for Max’s hand, his touch on my back no longer enough. When our skin connected, Max gasped as a rush of power left him, filling me and replacing what my sister’s resistance took from me.
“Okay?” I asked him.
Letting out a breath, he nodded and squeezed tighter.
Keeping a firm grip on Max, I faced my sister. Protests were already forming in her mind, reasons she imagined would convince me to let her stay. I had to make her understand she needed to cross over because she was dangerously close to being stuck here.
I would not allow that to happen.
“Brit, you cannot stay here with me,” I said and before she protested again, I shook her hand. “No. You’re dead. There’s nothing left for you here now.”
Her blue eyes—so much like mine—widened. Some of the resistance faded, making it easier for me to breathe. “What about Dad?” she asked. “This is going to destroy him.”
Pursing my lips, I nodded. “And Mom too.”
To my shock, Britany made a disgruntled scoff and stepped away. “She deserves it.”
The v
enom in her voice didn’t shock me as much as the real pain I could feel in her mind, the hurt she masked with resentment. The desperation for our mother’s approval and the anger, knowing that she would never have it.
“Brit, you have to forgive Mom,” I said. “Yeah, she screwed up our family, we both know that. You can punish her all you want, but it’s nothing like what she’s doing to herself. I’m trying to figure out how to forgive her. It’s a little easier on this side of life because I can see how hurt she really is, and how guilty she feels about everything that happened.”
“Well, her actions don’t show it.”
“How would you know?” Dropping Max’s hand, I gestured to the drug paraphernalia littering the coffee table and the body of her dead drug-dealer boyfriend. A swell of outrage filled me. “You’ve been doing heroin,” I accused. “You act like Mom is so terrible. But she’s been doing this phony shit our whole lives. Meanwhile you’re over here doing drugs.”
My sister stared at me in shock. Did Kody just say that?
Irritably, I crossed my arms tight. “Yeah I did just say that. Truth hurts, don’t it?”
“Well, yeah, but I’m just shocked that you said a cuss word,” she said. “I mean, you used to be the Swearing Police.”
Behind me, Max chuckled, but I silenced him with a glare. “I’m not the same person I used to be.”
Truer words had never been spoken.
My gaze ghosted over Slade, giving me courage. “Do you have any idea what it’s like to always feel so guilty? So disappointing to everyone you love? I’m sick of living that way,” I declared with passion. “Being gay was never a choice. But you… you had a choice, Britany. You’ve always had a choice. And this is what you do with it?” In a surge of anger, I pushed the lighter and spoon off the coffee table and onto the floor.
Meegan and Max flinched. Then I remembered I wasn’t in human form anymore. I’d figure out how I did that later because, until that exact moment, I hadn’t realized how angry I was with Britany.
How mad I was at all of them.
Britany opened her mouth in shock. “I never said—”
I held up a hand to silence her. “I’m not finished. I didn’t ruin our family because I was gay, and I didn’t cause them to get divorced because I was dead. And you know what, I’m sick of living with the weight of everything on my shoulders because you guys keep fucking it all up!”
“Kody!” she gasped, sounding like Mom.
“Dayum,” Max muttered, burying a chuckle.
I ignored them both and went on with my tirade, not caring that Meegan and Slade were there to witness it. “For years I’ve blamed myself for stuff I can’t change. I didn’t ask to be gay, but you know what? That’s just who I am. I didn’t ask to be depressed and anxious all the time. Maybe Mom made it worse, but maybe that’s just who I am too. And just when I finally feel comfortable in my own skin, and maybe even start to like myself, you had to go and do this!”
My sister stared at me, even her thoughts quiet with shock.
I brushed at my face. “You’re my big sister. My Sissy.” I choked on the nickname I hadn’t called her since I’d been four years old. The surprising memory made the tears pour down my cheeks. “Heroin? What the hell were you thinking?”
Britany closed her eyes. “You wouldn’t get it.” I can’t tell him what I’ve done….
“You have to tell me,” I cried, throwing out my arms. “If you don’t make me understand, this is gonna consume me. Because this time it is my fault. You’re dead because I disobeyed and lured the shades here. And the wraiths….” I couldn’t even finish. For years I’d taken on blame that was not mine, yet now I had done this to the only family member who’d ever supported me?
God,
How am I supposed to deal with this? I don’t know what to do. Please, help me!
“What are you talking about, Kods?” Britany stared at me in confusion.
“If you hadn’t been doing drugs, I never would’ve come here. None of this would’ve happened!” Shaking my head, I pressed the heel of my hand into my eyes to quell the tears. “I don’t wanna be responsible for this,” I managed, lips thick. “I’m so tired….”
And then familiar arms encircled my waist. Instantly I returned my boyfriend’s hug. His warm, loving touch calmed the pain in my heart, filling me with strength, but the tears still fell. Together with Max, I’d begun to find peace, but to have this on my conscience….
A soft hand rested on my shoulder, and I flinched, breaking our embrace.
“Kody,” Britany began. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, but me dead on that couch isn’t your fault.”
With Max’s arm still around my waist, I faced my sister, shaking my head. “You can say that because you have no idea what’s really going on.”
“And neither do you.” She let out a weary sigh and pointed at her dead body. Just tell him the truth…. “This all started in high school.”
“What did?”
“The drugs,” she said simply.
And suddenly my mind flooded with her memories. I gasped as a blur of people, parties, and pills flew by in flashes, like flipping channels too fast on a TV. I could see her memories as if they were my own.
It was really weird.
“Caleigh stole her little brother’s ADD meds and sold them,” Britany explained. “It was a great way to stay skinny. And I smoked weed because it was less calories than alcohol. Wouldn’t wanna get fat, right?” The laugh felt forced and out of place. “Then I tried coke. At first it was just to stay awake, you know for exams and stuff. Or to have fun at parties.”
As the shocking images permeated my mind, meshing with her words, my anger and hurt faded, and I realized what was happening.
Britany was delivering her deathbed confession.
I had never heard one of these before.
“But college was too much,” she went on in a flippant way. “The pressure. Mom always worrying about my grades and if I’d found a man to pay my way in life yet. I was popping Oxy long before you died.”
“Wh—what? You were?” I wiped my face with the back of my hand, sniffing and bringing her into focus.
She rubbed my arm. “Oxy is just synthetic heroin,” she said in an offhanded way. “Did you know that? Well, after I lost you, heroin was the best way to forget, so Zack hooked me up. I guess I didn’t know how to do this without you.”
“Oh, Britany,” I began. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
She shrugged, eyes misting over. “And add to all the pressure Mom put on you? No way. I thought about telling you… but, no. I didn’t want your life to be any harder than it already was. I’m your Sissy, remember?”
Overcome with emotions, I pulled her into a fierce hug, whispering in her ear, “I love you. I’m so sorry.”
“I love you too,” she said, hugging me back. “I know it won’t do any good—’cause I know you too well—but you can’t blame yourself for this.” She gestured to her body, the drugs. “This one’s on me, okay?”
Pain ripped at my heart. “If I’d known, I could’ve helped you.”
“No, you couldn’t have,” she said, looking surprisingly serene as she patted my cheek. “You had your own shit to deal with.”
“I have to tell you something,” I said, feeling that I needed to confess too.
Smiling, she shook her head. “What?”
“The night you picked us up at the diner—” I glanced at Max and swallowed hard. “—I was trying to kill myself. And it wasn’t a stunt for attention. I meant it.”
“Oh, Kody, not again,” she moaned and I felt her sadness as if it were my own. Damn you, Mom, for sending him away….
“Just listen, ’kay?” When she nodded, I hurried to explain. “Max was the reaper assigned to take me to heaven, but he saved me instead. I died the next day in that accident because I was supposed to die. But that night I wanted to die.” I offered Max a quick smile. “Well, at least I thought I did. Max made
me see things in a whole nother light. He gave me hope. But when I was alive, I had no hope. All I could think about was making it stop. I wanted it to end. I’m sorry that I was so worried about myself that I never noticed you were in just as much pain as me. Can you forgive me?”
“Dammit, Kody, no. There’s nothing to forgive. If Dad had the balls to stop Mom once in a while, our lives could’ve been different. They wouldn’t have sent you away, and maybe I wouldn’t have gotten involved in drugs. But we can’t change any of that now,” she said, sounding annoyed. Then she studied me for a long moment, her eyes calculating. “We’re really fucked-up, aren’t we?”
A bitter laugh escaped me. “Yeah, maybe.”
She fussed with my hair, staring at me in that weird way of moms and big sisters. “You understand me better than anybody else, Kods. You get it. You know why I needed to forget?”
“Yeah, I understand completely. But I don’t want you to forget me.”
“I didn’t want to forget you,” she cried. “I wanted to forget the pain!”
I cupped her face in my hands, feeling like the older sibling for the first time in our relationship. She was always the one who supported me, gave me courage. Britany was my rock, and now it was my turn to do that for her.
“You can’t forget the pain,” I told her. “That’s what makes you realize all the good things you had in life.”
Stubbornly, she shook her head again. “Without you there was no good.”
“Yes, there was. Mom and Dad loved you. Yeah, Mom made a lot of mistakes, but she was always there for us when we needed something. You have to remember that part.”
“You can forgive her if you want, but I can’t.”
“Listen,” I began in a rush, breathless as I used all my energy to convince her to let go of this life and move on. “Being dead makes everything so much clearer. You’ll see.” I pushed my strength into her, and I could feel her spirit relaxing, taking it all in. Letting go of this realm.
“Kody,” she began, eyes fluttering as my power entered her. I closed my eyes and let go. I didn’t know exactly what was happening to me, but it felt natural. She took the energy, but it didn’t drain me this time because I was giving it to her.
