Dropping my guitar on the bed and the tray of food on the nightstand, I break the distance between us. Taking her hands in mine, I gently pull her arms away from her chest and hold them out in front of me, noticing her arms are red with scabs I hadn’t seen before. Taking my hand, I gently move them up her arms. She tries to pull her hands away, but I tighten my hold on her arms.
“Let go of me, please,” she speaks in a suffocated whisper. I immediately let go. I don’t want her to fear my touch.
“Cami, what did you do? Why are your arms bright red with sores on them?”
She averts her eyes so she isn’t looking at me. “You wouldn’t understand.” Her voice barely above a whisper.
“Try me.”
She lets out a sigh before she continues. “I need to scrub him off of me. I can feel his touch and smell him. I need that to go away.”
I rub my hands up and down her arms. “Baby, you are clean. He isn’t on you. He will never touch you again.” I dip my head down to hers. “Do you hear me?”
“Baby. Come here.” I pull Cami against my chest, caressing my hand up and down her back. Leaning down, I place a soft kiss on the top of her head. My heart swells with joy when she allows me to comfort her.
Cami stiffens and pushes me away. Her eyes wide. “Take your shirt off. Now!” She yells. Her hands shake as she lifts them to cover her mouth.
Not knowing what the hell is going on, I do as I’m told. With one swift pull, I grab the shirt from behind my neck, yank it over my head then toss it on the floor. Camryn’s chest is heaving as she tries to breathe. She slowly walks over to me, leaning in to smell my chest. She pulls back, pointing to the bathroom. “You have to take a shower. Now.”
I look at her dumbfounded, raising my hands in the air, questioning her, “Why do I need to take a shower?” She doesn’t answer my question, rather she screams with tears soaking her cheeks, “Now, Jamie! Go take a shower!”
“Please?” When she says the word please, that was my undoing.
“I’ll do it, I just don’t understand why I have to.”
With eyes wide, she takes a deep breath. “You smell like him.”
Without asking anything else, I head to the bathroom, stripping off the rest of my clothes. I turn the shower on and jump in before the water is even warm. I grab the sponge lathering it with shower gel, then scrub my body down.
Camryn has the fight of her life ahead of her. She’s been violated in a way no one ever should be. That bastard took something from her that she will fight to get back. My girl, my Tink, is a fighter. This will be the fight of her life, and I can only pray that she comes out the winner. This can’t break her. I won’t allow it to.
I can only stand by and support her anyway I can. Do whatever I have to to ensure she feels safe again.
I wash myself at least four times making sure the scent is off of me. She said her attacker smelled like me. Bile rises in my throat. I’ll never wear that cologne again. Every time she smells it, she’ll connect it to him. Camryn has always joked and said I smelled like home. Home is where we’re supposed to feel safe. Will she ever feel safe again? Will she feel safe in my arms?
My fingers pull on my hair as I wash it. My body begins to shake uncontrollably. I lean down, placing my hands on my knees. Fury almost chokes me. My own anger and hurt can no longer be controlled. Tears are falling from my eyes. I’ve been holding it all in trying to stay strong for Camryn. I’m not sure how it’s even remotely possible but in this moment I feel as helpless as she does.
Minutes pass, after I straighten, sighing loudly, I slam one fist against the other. I just got my girl, I can’t lose her. I won’t lose her. I couldn’t be there for her then but I will damn sure be here for her now.
Once the water runs cold, I exit the shower, wrapping a towel around my waist.
Returning to Camryn’s room, her step falters when she sees me. Drops of water are running down my chest still. Her eyes are wide as she stares at my chest. I see her eyes glance down at my abs, then work their way back up to my chest where my colorful tattoos are. Her cheeks have a tint of pink to them. My girl is embarrassed. She extends her arm out to me without looking me in the face. “Here, these are my dad’s, but they should fit.”
Taking the clothes from her, I return to the bathroom to dress. When I walk back in the room, Camryn is already in bed propped against the headboard with pillows behind her. She has the comforter pulled up around her chest, tucked below her elbows.
She pats the bed next to her. Walking over to the bed, I stand next to it. Tears fill her eyes and stream down her face. “Are you sure?” I murmur.
She nods her head. I climb in with her. I let her lead this dance because I don’t know what will cause her to feel panicked. She lays her head on my shoulder. I put my arm around her, pulling her against my chest. She leans in, takes a deep breath, inhaling my scent.
“You smelled like him just now. That’s why I thought it was you behind me in the hallway. When he came up behind me, he put his arms around me. He started to kiss my neck, then he nipped my ear. I didn’t pull away because I thought it was you, Jamie. He smelled like you. He had the same cologne on.”
Cami looks away from me before she continues. She looks down at her hands, then begins to pick at her fingernail. “He led me toward the storage room. That’s when I put two and two together and knew I was in trouble.”
She looks up at me. “I’m sorry, Jamie. When I left Lindsey upstairs, I told her I was going to let you and Christian know we were upstairs. But when I came down and saw you, I was pissed. I didn’t come up to the table because I saw you there with a girl. I didn’t know it was Tabitha. I thought some random girl was flirting with you and you were letting her touch you, so I headed to the bar where Lincoln was at. I had a drink over there and talked to Lincoln for a little bit, then headed to the bathroom. If I would have just walked over to you and Christian, this never would have happened.”
I gently wipe the tears from her cheeks. “Cami, there is no one else I want. You have no reason to be jealous of anyone. I only have eyes for you, baby. What happened that night isn’t anyone’s fault. We can play the ‘woulda, shoulda, coulda’ game all day long. Nothing is going to change what happened. We can only make sure you get past this.” Leaning down I look her directly in the eyes. “I promise you, you will. We will. I’ll make sure of it.”
I awake with a start and jolt upright from the makeshift bed I made on the floor. My heart is pounding in my chest. Camryn is thrashing around in her bed crying for help.
I throw the blanket aside and rush to Camryn’s bed. I’m afraid to touch her. I’ve always heard not to wake a person from a nightmare, but I can’t sit here and watch this.
“Camryn, baby, wake up,” I say, hoping she hears me.
“Someone help me! Help me!” she screams.
Fuck this, I have to touch her. I quickly pull her into my arms, cradling her against my chest. “Wake up, Tink. Please, wake up,” I say softly near her ear. My hands move slowly up and down her back.
She yanks away from me. Her eyes darting around the room.
I hold my hands up. “It’s me, Tink. It’s Jamie. I won’t hurt you.”
“Jamie, he was there. He was touching me.” Her voice fragile and shaking. She hugs her knees to her chest and begins to rock.
“I know it feels real, baby, but it’s not really happening. You’re safe now. He can’t hurt you ever again.”
“Not physically, at least,” she whispers to no one in particular, unspoken meaning behind her words. She remains absolutely motionless for a moment. I reach out to stroke the damp hair from her face.
“Come here, Tink.” I reach out to touch her hand and she clutches it.
Camryn scoots over into my lap, placing her arms around my neck. She nestles her head into my neck and begins to cry.
“Shh, baby. It was a nightmare. You are safe, you’re in your room at your parents’ house. He’s not here. He will never touc
h you again, I promise.”
Camryn lifts her head up, wiping the tears from her face.
“Thank you for staying the night.”
“Is it okay if I stay the rest of the night in your bed with you? Just to hold you while you sleep.”
“I’d like that,” she whispers.
“You are not in this alone, baby. I’m not going anywhere.”
I scoot up her bed, settling against the headboard. I hold open my arms, “Come here. Get comfortable.”
She lays her head on my chest again. I pull my phone out of my pocket. I scroll through my library, in search of a particular song. I grab the earbuds from the nightstand.
“Here, listen to this song. This song says exactly how I feel.”
She places the earbuds in her ears, repositioning herself on my chest.
I hit play on the song. You Got Me by Gavin DeGraw.
As the words play in Camryn’s ears, she looks up at me with a small smile on her face. I will always be there for Camryn, even when she isn’t strong enough to withstand the mind games that a trauma like this causes. Like the song reminds us both . . . when the demons try to get to her, she will never be alone. She’s Got Me.
CAMRYN
A LIGHT KNOCK at my door draws my attention from the romance novel I was reading on my Kindle. I open it and I’m not surprised to find Jamie standing before me with a huge smile on his face. His guitar hangs off his shoulder and he carries a bowl of popcorn.
“I thought you had practice tonight with the guys?”
He breezes by me and into my room. He makes himself comfortable by setting the popcorn on my nightstand and his guitar on my bed. “We got done early, so I thought I would stop by to see you. Maybe watch a movie or play a few songs that I have been working on.”
“Let’s hear the songs.”
“I’m gonna start with one of your all-time favorites.” Jamie nestles comfortably on my bed with his back against the headboard and his guitar across his lap. I plop down on the bed and wait patiently for him to serenade me. His fingers move effortlessly across the strings of his guitar and after a few chords I know exactly what song he’s playing. On My Way by Boyce Avenue. This is my favorite song of theirs . . . Jamie knows this.
I’m stunned at how graceful his fingers strum the guitar strings. The words to this song ignite goosebumps across my skin. Jamie reaches the chorus, and every word is sung with power. As though every word he sings is meant for me. A few tears trickle down my cheek. I love this man with every fiber in my body. Knowing that I have him, I’ll be okay in this world. He is mine and I am his.
The last lines of the song spill from his lips, “Cause I’m on my way, on my way.” This is one of my favorite songs and the words speak volumes. It’s funny how Jamie knows the perfect song to help me heal.
“Thank you. That was beautiful.”
“I’m glad you loved it.”
It’s been two weeks since my attack and I finally feel comfortable enough to see my friends. I’ve only texted them since the night at Redemption. My physical wounds are gone, but emotionally, I’m a wreck.
Nightmares continue to plague me most nights. A few times, my parents, Jamie and Christian witnessed me thrashing around in my bed. They comforted me when I woke up disoriented and terrified. Each nightmare is the same. Me trying to fight that bastard off. The first few nights after my attack, Christian hovered over me, watching me like a hawk after our nightly cocktail session. No matter what I try, every time my eyes shut, I’m transported to that night.
Karsen keeps insisting I should contact Claire, the rape victim counselor. But I don’t feel comfortable talking to a stranger. Instead I have opened up to Karsen a little.
I sent an email to my boss, Shelby, a few weeks back, requesting a leave of absence. She assured me that my job is secure, and to take as much time as I need to recover. Thankfully, I have enough reviews submitted to cover me for a few more weeks.
I don’t spend much time downstairs with the family. It’s a ritual of mine to head down once everyone has gone to bed. Christian caught on to my habits early on and usually he joins me at night. He’s been spending most nights here rather than at his apartment in the City. I have never been much of a drinker, but the alcohol helps me fall asleep.
Jamie has been over almost every day. He’s a light in this turbulent storm. Times that I feel I am lost, drowning in my emotions, he makes me feel cherished . . . loved. Being in his arms makes me feel safe.
I’m brushing my teeth when a light knock hits my door. Shock hits me when Shelby walks into my room. I wipe my mouth with the towel, and walk over to her.
“Hey, sweetie, I have been trying to get a hold of you the past week. You haven’t gotten back to me. I figured I would pay you a visit. I hope you don’t mind?”
Shaking my head, I gesture toward my bed for her to sit. “How did you know where my parents’ lived?”
“I went through your HR file. You have your parents’ name and number as your emergency contact. After you sent me the email advising me what occurred, I immediately reached out to your mom to check in on you. I hope you don’t think I am being too intrusive, but I was worried about you.”
“It’s okay. I’m not upset. My mom never told me she spoke with you.”
“I asked her not to. I knew I would be in town, and hoped you’d see me as I need to talk to you face to face.”
Tilting my head to the side I study her expression.
What do you mean you need to talk to me face to face? About what?
My heart rate picks up. “Oh, God, are you firing me?”
She shakes her head repeatedly, “No, no, sweetie. Your job with Key Notes is secure. You don’t have anything to worry about there. Take as much time as you need. I have Kara covering your schedule until you tell me you are ready to return. Until then, you focus on healing. On getting yourself better.”
Smiling at Shelby, I thank my lucky stars I have such an understanding boss. I’m not sure how many other employers would have given me this much time off.
“I don’t want to pry or stick my nose where it doesn’t belong.” She takes my hand in hers and I look at her inquisitively. “You are not alone in this, Camryn. Your family and friends don’t know what you are going through. They will never understand the emotions you are battling every day. I, on the other hand, do. I know exactly what you are going through.”
My brows furrow as I try to process what she is telling me. The words come out before I can stop them. “What are you trying to tell me, Shelby?”
“I understand completely and wholeheartedly what you are going through. I was raped in college. I was a young and naive freshman. Never having lived in a big city before, I left a party alone after drinking too much. A man grabbed me and dragged me into the bushes behind my dorm building. I didn’t know if I would survive what he did to me. I blamed myself for drinking, for leaving the party alone. I knew better . . . at least, I should have known better. I was ashamed of what happened, therefore, I didn’t tell a single soul. Nightmares began to plague me and I withdrew from my friends, my grades were slipping. I would wake up screaming in the middle of the night. My roommate finally went to the resident advisor. She put two and two together. My RA sat me down. Once I was able to open up to someone, I felt better. I no longer felt like I was going through it alone. My RA put me in touch with her mother, who was a therapist here in New York City. After speaking with her, I was able to tell my parents what happened. My therapist, Gayle, never looked at me with pity in her eyes. She never made me feel ashamed, that it was my fault. She helped me get through the toughest time in my life, Camryn. A time that I didn’t know if I could get through.”
I swallow the large knot in my throat. “Shelby, I had no idea. I am so sorry.”
She places her hand on my knee. “Sweetie, I didn’t tell you all of this so you could be sorry for me. You don’t want people feeling sorry for you, so don’t you go feeling sorry for me. I told you all of this
so you know that you are not alone. Let those who love you do exactly that . . . love you.”
Shelby pulls me into a hug. “I am a survivor. You, too, will get through this. It will take time, just know that you are not alone, Camryn. Do you hear me?” She rubs my back.
She draws back to look at me. “I also have a few other things I would like to discuss while I am here. For starters, I want you to think long and hard on this one. I don’t need an answer until January. There is an opening at the New York office. I am offering you the position. I know you love LA, but I think with everything that has happened, being close to your family will be good for you.”
“What? Are you kidding me?” My heart sings with delight. I get to come home. I get to be closer to Jamie and my family. I could not ask for anything more.
She laughs. “No, I am not kidding you. The position is yours if you want it. It’s actually a promotion with a salary increase. You will still have your column, but they are looking to add a few more reviewers to highlight more bands in each edition. Your column is hugely reviewed, and brings a lot of buzz to the magazine. All of the pieces would be submitted directly to you. You will have control on what bands to highlight. Well, that is, if you take the position.” Shelby smiles at me.
I squeal and throw my arms around her neck. “Oh, my goodness, Shelby. My first thought when I saw you standing in my room was that you came to fire me. Now you’re offering me a position here in New York . . . with a promotion.”
“I don’t want your answer today. I gave you a lot to process.”
Shelby stands, and I do the same. She hugs me again and pulls out a business card from her handbag. “Here is Gayle’s card.” She places it in my hand and closes my fingers around it.
Unspoken Words (Unspoken #1) Page 19
