I pull Cami’s mom in for a hug and rest my chin on her head. “You know I love your daughter, I’m not letting her go. She can push, but she will never push me away. She’s stuck with me.”
She pulls back to look at me. “Cami is one lucky girl to have you.” We hear the bathroom door open and Cami emerges in a pair of yoga pants, a tank top, her face is clean of any makeup, and her hair is piled on top of her head in a messy bun.
“Good night, sweetie,” her mom says, as she walks down the hall to her room, closing the door behind her.
I turn and walk into Cami’s bedroom, closing the door behind me. Cami is moving pillows around on her bed, piling them up by the headboard. “So, what shall we do? Are you in the mood for a movie or do you want to just hang out and talk?” I ask as I walk over and sit on the edge of her bed.
She turns toward me, a mischievous grin on her face. “I was thinking we could just cuddle and talk. If that’s okay with you?”
I jump eagerly on the bed and position my back against the pillows. I open my arms to her. “Come here, I am totally up for cuddling and talking.”
“Can you take off your shirt, so I can feel your skin?” she asks quietly. With one quick movement, I pull the shirt from behind my neck, tossing it at the foot of the bed. Cami crawls up the bed, settling next to me. She lays her left leg over mine, cuddling into my side laying her head over my heart.
“Did you know that hearing your heartbeat soothes me?” she says in soft whisper.
The tenderness in her voice makes me smile. “I had no idea.”
Her fingertips slowly move over the intricate lines of my tattoo on my chest. With every move of her fingers, my skin sears with the intensity of her touch. Her soft breath against my skin. She takes a deep breath. “Can I tell you something and you promise not to ever look at me differently?” Her finger continues circling along my chest.
My left hand caresses her soft, silky skin. “Cami, there is nothing that you can say that will make my feelings change for you.”
Cami looks up at me, her eyes are gentle and contemplative. “After talking to Gayle the other day, I feel like a weight has been lifted. That I can finally talk about what I’m feeling, what I’m struggling with. I’ve never been one to be afraid of anything. I’ve never been one to keep anything from you, so I don’t want to start now. I want to tell you what happened that night.”
My fingers stroke her arm soothingly. “Cami, you don’t have to tell me.”
“No, it’s time. I’m ready,” she says firmly.
She lays her head back down on my chest. I don’t say a word, I don’t want to stop her from talking. “I fought back. The more I fought, the rougher he was with me. While he had the knife against my neck and was raping me, I wished he would have pressed it harder against my throat and killed me. I didn’t want to live through it. I wanted to die, Jamie. For the first time in my life, I couldn’t bear the thought of taking one more breath.” There was a faint tremor in her voice.
“I prayed he’d press the blade harder, wishing he would pierce my throat. I would have rather have died than be coherent while he stripped me of everything I’ve known as a woman,” she says in a choked voice.
Hearing that she wished she died, kills me. Curses fall from my mouth. I know what she looked like when we found her. Those images are burned into my mind. I don’t think I will ever be able to erase them. As morbid as it sounds, I can understand her feeling in that moment that she just wanted to die . . . I’m eternally grateful that she’s stronger than that.
I clasp Camryn’s hands in mine, intertwining our fingers. She looks up at me with unshed tears in her eyes. “I’m tired of holding everything in, Jamie. I want what we have to be special. I won’t let that bastard take that away from me. I won’t give him that power.”
“He doesn’t have any power over you, baby.”
Her tears run down my chest. I hold her tightly as she relives that murderous night. “How come I feel like all my fight has been stripped from me? I’m trying not to be weak, to allow him to have this kind of power over me. Am I wrong to feel this way?” She pulls away from me, wiping the tears from her face. She sits up crossing her legs over each other while she fidgets with her fingers in her lap before looking back up at me. I swallow hard, trying not to reveal how angry I am.
“Look at me,” I take her chin and tilt it up to meet my eyes. “Do not let one night define you. That’s not the Camryn I know. The Camryn I know would fight to get back what she feels she lost.”
“I’m exhausted from fighting to be stronger than I feel. Some days I feel like I am a puzzle shattered into a million pieces, and I’m trying to find a way to put myself back together. I try to hide my emotions from everyone, but I’m failing miserably.”
“You’ll never know how strong you are until it’s your only option.” My arms tighten around her. “It’s only been a month and I have seen how much you have changed. You’re stronger every minute of every day you are fighting, we all see it. When you pass a mirror, I’ve noticed you can look at your reflection again. You can talk about the rape without breaking down.”
I let her speak without interrupting her. As I look at her sitting before me, once again I realize that there isn’t one particular thing that I can do to help her get past this. She needs to do this on her own, at her own pace. I can only be there to offer her my support and hold her hand along the way.
I lift our hands to my lips, placing small kisses on her fingers. “He did not rob you of your power. He just made you question it, but I’m here to make sure you get it back.”
I gather Cami into my arms to hold her snug against me. She lays her head back on my chest. “I’m not going to surrender to this bastard. I want to be able to move on, to live my life like I was before this happened. I want to be able to leave the house without feeling like I could be walking down the same street as him.”
“It’ll take time, baby. Tell me what you want from me, what I can do for you. I never want to push you, I only want to be there for you every step of the way.”
Cami leans in and places a soft kiss over my heart. “Knowing you are always here is the best remedy for this right now. Just promise me that you will be patient with me. There will be times that I will have my freak out moments.”
I place my finger under her chin, lifting her face to look at mine. Once her eyes meet mine, I tell her without any hesitation, “I’m not going anywhere. No matter how hard you push, or how stubborn you will be, I will be there for you. Whether it is to hold you while you cry, or hold your hand while we walk down the street. There isn’t anywhere else I plan to be than by your side for the rest of my life.”
“I’m gonna ask you something now.” Her hazel eyes were full of life, pain, and unquenchable warmth. “Can I kiss you?”
A smile spreads across her face, a genuine smile. “Yes, Mr. Banks, you may kiss me.”
There’s my girl.
I lean down and place a gentle kiss against her lips. The touch of her lips is a delicious sensation. I raise my mouth from hers and gaze into her eyes. She pushes up against me to meet my lips again. Cami showers kisses around my lips and along my jaw. The kisses are slow, sensual kisses that drive me wild. As much as I want Cami to be in the lead, I can’t take the slow kisses any longer. My mouth swoops down to capture hers. She parts her lips granting me access to her tongue. My lips recapture hers, more demanding this time.
I pull away from her and gaze into her eyes. It was too easy to get lost in the way that she looks at me. I try to get a read on her thoughts. I don’t want this to go any further than she is ready, plus her parents are down the hall, so I need to put the brakes on this. “Cami, we need—”
“No, I don’t want to stop.”
“Cami, we can’t do this here. Not in your parents’ house. Are you even ready for this? I don’t want to push you if you’re not ready for this.”
My last words are lost as she smothers me with her lips. She climbs on
top me, and straddles my waist. She draws my face to hers with a renewed embrace. My hands move slowly down the length of her back. The air around us electrifies. She leans down so her body is flush with mine. My heart hammers against my chest. Pressing her core against my groin, my cock becomes harder by the second. Down, boy, I repeat over and over in my head. I want Camryn. I want to make her mine. I have the unwavering desire to mark her. Make her scream my name. I’ve dreamt of this moment for years. But it isn’t going to happen with her parents under the same roof.
My hands make their way to her face, cupping her cheeks. I’m able to break away from the breathless kiss. She bites her lip, and a groan passes through my lips. My chest heaves uncontrollably. My dick strains against my jeans. I will surely have an indented zipper mark on my cock. Besides the indent, I’m going to have a major case of blue balls when this is done with.
I reach out to stop her from grinding her hips against me. My resolve is seriously only as strong as the clothing that separates us at this point. I take a deep breath to gather my bearings.
“I can’t do this with your parents down the hall. When we make love for the first time, it will be perfect. Just you and me. It needs to be that way. I’ve been waiting a very long time for you to be mine, and I will do everything in my power to make sure it’s just right and, more importantly, that you’re ready.”
I use her parents being down the hall as an excuse. As much as I want Camryn, I need to make sure she is doing this for all the right reasons. I don’t think she is ready. She may think she is, but if I am being honest with myself, I don’t agree. I don’t need the first time we finally make love to be the beginning of the first moment of regret she has. Right now, her decision is just as much about me as it is about her. Protecting her physically and emotionally. I will be her shield, no matter how long it takes, to fight off her inner demons.
Unshed tears fill her eyes. Camryn blinks quickly in an attempt to hold them back. I run my thumb across her face to catch the tear before it falls. I pull my thumb to my lip, kissing the tear.
“Don’t cry, Camryn. I don’t ever want you to cry because of me. Not unless they are happy tears. It will happen between us. Just not tonight, sweetheart.”
Cami shifts herself off of me, snuggling close to my side. My arm wraps around her, pulling her close to me. Kissing her on her head, I say, “Come home with me tonight. Pack a bag for the weekend, stay with me.” I pray she’ll say yes. I need to be alone with Camryn, so I can have her all to myself.
Cami looks at me as her cheeks color under the heat of my gaze.
“Okay,” she says quietly. She climbs off the bed, leaving me in her room. I hear her knock on her parents’ door, then open it. She doesn’t say anything, rather, I hear Mark say, “The keys are on the table by the door. You can use the car for the weekend. Just be safe.”
I hear Cami, “Thank you, Daddy. Love you.”
CAMRYN
THE WEEKEND WAS perfect. I spent the last few days with Jamie in the City. We did a little Christmas shopping on Black Friday, saw Wicked on Saturday, and went to dinner at one of my favorite restaurants, Carmine’s. Jaime has given me the mental space I need. I know he’s allowing me to decide when I’m ready to be intimate with him and what I realized after leaving my parents’ house is that I needed to be okay with leaving the safety net of their home and going back to Jamie’s house before I have sex with him. Taking that successful step is allowing me to gain back some semblance of my life back . . . my new normal.
Jamie went to the studio this morning, leaving me in the apartment alone. I was a little apprehensive at first, but after giving myself a few pep talks, I forced myself to settle down. This is the first time I have been completely alone since I was raped. When Jamie left this morning, I felt a little uneasy, but I realize that I’m not always going to have someone with me twenty-four-seven. It’s not practical and sure as hell not realistic.
My phone chirps from the coffee table. The screen reveals I have a text from Morgan. I haven’t talked to her since the girls were over for lunch.
Morgan: Hey chickie. Linc said you’re in the city. He said you stayed with Jamie this weekend. ☺ How did I not know about this??
Me: I needed a change in scenery and Jamie is exactly what the doctor ordered.
Morgan: Any plans for today? You with Jamie?
Me: Jamie went to the studio. I am at his place still
Morgan: Do you want to meet up? Possibly go for coffee? If not, I can bring some to you.
Me: I think it would be good for me to get out. Regular spot. How about 10:30?
Morgan: Sure thing. There are a few things I need to talk to you about.
Me: Is everything okay?
Morgan: I’m hoping. I gotta jump in the shower. Cya in a little bit. Love ya
Me: Love ya too. Cya soon.
I call Jamie. He picks up on the first ring. “Is everything okay?” he asks, panicked.
I laugh. “Yes, babe, everything is fine. Morgan sent me a text asking if I want to meet up for coffee and I’m taking her up on her offer. We’re gonna meet at Starbucks around ten-thirty. I just wanted to give you a heads up in case you came home and I wasn’t here.”
“That sounds like fun. You haven’t spent much time with Morgan lately.”
“She offered to bring the coffee here, but I think it will do me good to get out for a little while. I can’t keep hiding from the world, if you know what I mean.”
“Babe, you weren’t hiding from the world. You were taking some time for yourself. Time to heal.”
“I know, but I think it’s time to get back out there. I need to spread my wings to fly again.”
Jamie laughs, “You better not spread your wings too far. The only place I want you flying is right into my arms.”
I walk into Jamie’s bathroom and turn on the shower. “Did you just turn on my shower? Are you naked?” he whispers.
“Wouldn’t you like to know?”
He growls at me through the phone. “Knowing you are naked there all alone is going to give me a severe case of blue balls.”
A laugh escapes my throat. “Your balls are going to be like two prunes by the time you get some relief. You can’t blame me for my lack of trying. The situation with your balls is all you’re doing.”
Jamie knows I am right on this. I get why he wouldn’t make love to me. He wants to make sure that I am one hundred percent ready for it. Whether it be physically or mentally. I am leaning more toward the mental part.
I have expressed my fears to Gayle. There is a part of me that is terrified to cross that imaginary line that we have with intimacy. When Jamie touches me, it is always calm and gentle. Never do I flinch when he caresses my body. He has yet to touch me where I need it the most, where my body aches for him to touch. I know Jamie would never push me, never force me to do something that I am not ready for. I’m the one who tried to push Jamie. But he knows me better than I know myself. I want to make love to Jamie, but somewhere in the back of my head, I have this horrible fear that once we get to the part where we would actually have sex, I panic. Fear of being intimate with Jamie is what keeps me awake at night.
“Cami. Cami. Are you still there?” Jamie asks in the phone.
“Yeah, I’m still here,” I say, slightly above a whisper.
“Okay. Do me a favor. Go in the kitchen, open up the drawer next to the fridge. There’s a new bottle of mace that I picked up. Take it with you,” Jamie commands.
“And, one more thing. Please text me when you get there to let me know you made it okay.” I can hear the concern in his voice.
“I can handle that.” Smiling I add, “You do realize that eventually my life needs to get back to normal.”
“Yes, I know. I just need to know you are safe, that’s all. Have fun with Morgan. I’ll see you when I get home after rehearsal around seven. We have a show this week, so Parker wants to go over some things.”
“Sounds like a plan. I shall have dinne
r prepared and waiting.”
I walk through the doors at Starbucks, and I spot Morgan at the table by the window. I make my way over, and nudge the table with my hip. “Excuse me. Is this seat taken?”
“Took you long enough. I’ve been waiting five minutes,” she says with a fake pout.
“You said ten-thirty, it is ten-thirty. I am right on time, my friend.”
She points to the two cups in front of her. “I got your usual. I hope it’s still hot.”
I pull the chair out taking the seat across from her. She looks like shit. Not that I’d tell her that, but her usual chipper self is not shining through. I relax against the back of my chair, really studying her face. Her eyes are puffy with black circles lining them. Morgan always has her A-game on. She never steps out of the house without looking flawless. She could rock a trash bag with a bedazzled belt and still put some people to shame. Something is off.
“Why are you looking at me like that? Spit it out, Cami.” Her eyes narrowing.
Fidgeting in my seat, I’m not quite sure how to go about this. Do I just spit it out? Do I ask her what is going on? Ugh . . . she is my best friend. I should be able to say exactly what is on my mind. I know she wouldn’t have a problem telling me. I decide to just rip the band-aid off. Since the attack, we haven’t talked much. There’s been some distance between us. Another thing that asshole took from me.
“You look like shit.”
She scoffs at my statement. “Real nice, Cami. I ask you to come have coffee with me and you tell me I look like shit.” She averts my gaze, then picks her latte up, taking a long sip then placing her cup back on the table. She raises her eyes to find me watching her.
Raising my brows at her. “Really. You are going to get defensive with me? Spit it out.”
She lets out a loud exaggerated sigh. “I haven’t been feeling well lately. I forget what it feels like to sleep, since it’s evaded me for some time now.”
Her hands are on the table. She avoids looking at me as she picks at the loose piece of skin on her thumb. “Morgan. What’s going on? This isn’t like you.”
Unspoken Words (Unspoken #1) Page 21
