‘Well, all we can do is deal with whatever crops up.’
‘I’m glad you said “we”.’ He swallowed.
‘Because no matter what happens, they are our kids and always will be.’
‘Yes.’ She heard the unmistakable crackle of emotion in his voice. ‘Feels like you have been gone for an age,’ he managed.
‘I know. It does for me too.’
‘So.’ He coughed. ‘So, where are your thoughts at?’
Rae sighed, and suddenly her words flowed and telling him how she felt seemed easier. ‘All over the place. I feel just as hurt, just as angry. I can’t stop the showreel playing in my head of the night you told me – and then, straight after, I have the most terrible images of you and Karina.’
‘Please stop saying her name.’
Rae gave a dry laugh. ‘Okay.’ Again the pause while she recalibrated. ‘The ridiculous thing is that I know it happened but I can’t believe it did, if that makes any sense. And everything I want to say is just a repeat, a cliché – How could you? Why did you? Where did you? – and so I don’t see the point in going around in circles.’
‘It might be that we need to; like being stuck in a maze, where all we can do is keep walking around and around until we find a way out.’
‘Maybe.’ She gave this a little credence. ‘I keep thinking about the fact that you are my husband, Howard, and I am your wife and my body has been yours since the day I met you and yours was mine and that was one of the most important things, possibly the most important, and now that’s gone.’
‘It’s not gone! It’s not.’
‘It is.’ She silenced him. ‘You gave your body to someone else, put your body in someone else, someone you didn’t even love . . .’ Rae shook her head and let her tears fall, tiny waterfalls of sadness that were the accompaniment to this unpalatable truth. ‘And that is the crux of it right there. It doesn’t matter how sorry you are.’
‘I am. I am so sorry!’ He was crying openly now.
She was disturbed by his distress, but more occupied in trying to contain her own. ‘And it doesn’t matter what we suggest or how we plan. If I can’t get past that one fact, if I can’t figure out how to move forward, then I truly think we are done.’ As much as it hurt, it felt strangely empowering to utter these words, take control.
‘Please don’t say that, Rae; please don’t even think it! It’s early days and it’s still so raw and we need to give it time.’
‘Where the bloody hell are you?’ Dolly yelled from the bathroom, making her way out to the terrace.
‘Dolly’s here,’ Rae explained to Howard, indicating that their conversation would now have to return to the more general.
‘Is that my lovely brother?’
Rae gave a single nod.
‘Tell him we are running up huge bills on his credit card and I’ve got me a toy boy, young Spanish Antonio who gives me champagne!’
‘I am guessing you heard most of that?’ Rae swallowed her sadness, speaking a little louder now.
‘I did.’ He took a deep breath. ‘I know you can’t talk right now, but can I call you tomorrow or in a couple of days?’
‘Of course.’ She watched Dolly make her way in her towel towards the bedroom.
‘I love you, Rae.’
‘Bye, Howard.’
She sat with the phone in her palm, watching the waves break out at sea, as fishermen steered their boats into the water, tourists walked the shoreline and parasols were put up on the sand. The bay was coming to life, as she and Dolly prepared for the day ahead. It was the first time in her whole life that her husband had ended a call by saying ‘I love you’ and she had not replied in kind.
It felt like a marker in the sand.
Rae sat with a full tummy.
‘Fancy a drink?’ she asked casually, pushing her plate away after supper, which they had eaten with one eye on the door in case Nick and Nora Knowitall spotted them. She wanted to go to Max’s bar, to take in the view and sink into the soft sofas.
‘Yes,’ Dolly yawned. ‘But no late night for me. I am exhausted.’
‘You are always exhausted. It’s like being on holiday with Rip Van Winkle. You even slept on the beach today!’
‘I can’t help it. I think it’s because I just keep going at home. I never sit down; there’s always something that needs doing. If I’m not running around for Vinnie I’ve got Lyall on the phone in search of food, money or clean laundry – you know what it’s like.’
Rae nodded; she did.
‘And I’ve come here and it’s like someone has pulled my plug out! I have to be on high alert at home, waiting for the next job, but here I can really unwind and it’s as if my body is on catch-up. At least yours are away at uni.’
‘I wish they weren’t.’ Rae tapped the table. ‘Well, that’s not true. I mean, of course I want them to live their lives, make their dreams come true, yada yada, but I hate how quiet the house is sometimes without them.’
She thought about when Hannah and George were younger and she and Howard used to relish every second they were out at a birthday party or off on an adventure with their grandparents. Often, she would pull her husband on to the sofa and they would reconnect, doze, chat or kiss, enjoying each precious moment of grown-up time. The sound of the kids at the door would be met with a combination of joy and the smallest flicker of disappointment that she was back on duty. Not that she would ever admit this. Not to anyone. And yet now, even though she had a full life, a busy life, she missed their noise, their presence, even their mess. She had always thought that when they left home, the time together would be a reward for Howard and her, but now everything felt pointless.
‘This is when you and Howard get your privacy back, though, right?’
‘Yes, in theory.’
Dolly shifted in her chair and rested her elbows on the table. Her expression was sober and Rae knew that whatever was coming next was not without prior planning. She felt discomfort gripping her.
‘Are you happy, Rae?’
The question caught her a little off-guard and she took a moment to respond. ‘I’m having a lovely time—’
‘Not here.’ Dolly cut her off with a shake of her head. ‘That’s not what I mean and I think you know it. Generally. At home, with your everyday life, are you happy?’
‘Happy?’ Rae tried to recall the characteristics that made her happy and saw huge holes that used to be filled with joy.
‘Yes! It’s not a trick question. Are you happy?’ Dolly pushed.
Rae was embarrassed by the sudden swell of tears at the back of her throat. ‘Sometimes. I don’t believe everyone is happy all of the time.’
‘That’s probably true; but which are you the most, happier or sadder?’
‘I don’t know.’ Numb. Hurt. Confused. I am all of these things right now.
‘Well, I have this theory that if you were happier, that would be the thing that popped out of your mouth fairly easily. And I also think that my question would not make you cry.
‘I guess.’ She kept her head low and her voice was soft, embarrassed.
‘It was something you said earlier about getting old and wondering what the hell you did with your life. That must mean you are thinking about it now.’
Rae took her time in responding, wiping her eyes. ‘I just sometimes think about the ideas I had. You know, I always wanted to be a chef, to properly learn to cook. But then I had the kids . . .’
‘You are a wonderful cook! You don’t need lessons!’
Rae smiled; that wasn’t quite what she’d meant.
Dolly spoke warmly. ‘You have a lot to be happy about. You have a lovely life and you have great kids and Howard adores you.’
‘Does he?’ Rae looked up through lashes still dotted with tears.
‘Of course he does! Look at us here in this beautiful place, all because he wanted to make you happy!’
Or wanted to ease his guilt . . . Rae swallowed the thought as she reached for
a tissue from her pocket and blew her nose. ‘I feel like everything is falling apart, Dolly.’
‘Look, I love you and I am here for you, but this wishy-washy making me guess what the fuck is going on is wearing a bit thin. I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s happened and I’m not stupid: if it’s not addiction and it’s not illness . . . ?’
‘No.’ Rae shook her head.
‘Then it must be that one of you has discovered something about the other that has put a crack in your relationship.’
‘Bit more than a crack. It’s ripped us in half, broken us.’ With the words came a small feeling of relief, as if her stomach had untwisted a little.
‘Okay.’ Dolly ran her hand over her face. ‘So it’s either something illegal or it’s sex.’
Rae let her head hang down again. ‘I don’t know how to talk to you about it, Dolly. I want to and at the same time I really don’t.’ She felt as she had when she was sixteen: nervous of saying the wrong thing to the girl she wanted so much to like her.
‘Come on.’ Dolly spoke softly. ‘Let’s go and sit on the beach where it’s a little darker and we don’t have to look at each other and we can talk.’
Rae stood with a tremble to her limbs, knowing she was about to break Howard’s confidence, but also that it was inevitable.
The two women walked arm in arm along the walkways, heading towards the beach. The pink-tinged dusk pulled its pretty shade on the day. Rae looked at the lights strung between the trees and around the garden, which gave the place a magical quality.
‘Do you remember when we first met and I was trying to get us to go to Majorca so I could sleep with Vinnie?’
‘Of course I do,’ Rae laughed. ‘Poor bloke never stood a chance.’
‘He was lucky I chose him!’ Dolly countered.
Rae could only admire, as she always had, her friend’s level of self-confidence.
‘Let’s go to Max’s and get wine to take to the beach,’ Dolly suggested.
‘Sure.’
They headed in the direction of the bar and were soon stepping up on to the deck.
‘Good evening, Antonio!’ Dolly called out. Several patrons looked up from the sofas and tables where they sat quietly. ‘We are in need of wine.’
‘Coming right up.’ He smiled at Rae, who looked away as he reached into the fridge for a cooled bottle.
Dolly winked at her. ‘Told you, he fancies me.’
The two took their plastic wine glasses of chilled plonk and walked out into the semi-darkness, stepping barefoot on the powder-soft sand that was now cool underfoot.
Rae sat down and felt Dolly settle by her side.
‘I feel like I breathe differently here.’ Dolly took a sip. ‘It’s like I can take great big lungfuls of air and it blows out the cobwebs. Do you know what I mean?’
‘I absolutely do.’ Rae closed her eyes and breathed in through her nose, knowing she would never tire of the salt-tinged air that felt like imbibing health; her breaths were bigger and filled her with what she could only describe as a lightness to her being. It felt a lot like freedom.
‘So,’ Dolly began, with an air of practicality usually reserved for work situations and problem solving, ‘the way I see it, we have always managed to keep our friendship and the fact that we are related separate, right?’
‘Yes, to a degree.’
‘I mean, you can’t come and tell me what arseholes your in-laws are, because they are my mum and dad, and I can’t tell you that my nephew is a shit, because he’s your son.’
‘You think George is a shit?’ Rae’s voice went up an octave and her heart thudded as she extended her tiger-mummy claws.
‘No! Of course I don’t. I am speaking hypothetically – although there was one Christmas when he was about seven when he ate all the jelly beans from Lyall’s jelly-bean dispenser. Ruined the whole bloody thing.’
‘Really?’
‘Look, we are getting sidetracked. I love your kids, and you know this.’
Appeased, Rae settled back in the sand. She did know this, thinking of Lyall, George and Hannah in their matching jerseys hand-knitted by Mitzy and the cute photos of the three of them throughout the years. Family . . .
‘The thing is, Rae, we need to preserve each part of how we are connected. Our friendship is as important to me as the fact that you are my sister-in-law. And believe it or not I don’t want to pry, but I do want to help.’
‘I know.’ Rae leaned over and briefly rested her head on Dolly’s shoulder. Dolly kissed her forehead.
‘Rather than try to make you give me the details, which I understand might be painful, how about I ask you questions and you can answer “yes” or “no” and then after we have established the facts, if – and I mean only if – you want, we can talk about it some more?’
‘Okay.’ Rae sat up straight and took a slug of wine, hoping it might ease what came next.
‘I am guessing that what is upsetting you is something Howard has done?’
‘Yes.’ Her voice was steady.
‘And it’s something you have found out about quite recently?’
‘Yes.’ She again saw him sitting on the end of the bed and immediately pictured him kissing Karina, whose name now apparently offended him. She heard Dolly sigh.
‘And . . .’ Her friend paused. ‘Would I be right in guessing it’s something to do with someone who used to work for the Latimer chain?’
Rae twisted in the sand to face her friend. Her mouth went dry and she felt her breath quicken. ‘You . . . you know?’ She couldn’t disguise her shock; her heart seemed to boom in her chest.
‘Oh, mate, oh my God!’ Dolly sighed and ran her palm over her face. ‘Oh no! No, no, no!’
‘Dolly! I can’t believe you would know and not tell me! What the hell is going on? Does everyone know? Is everyone laughing at me? Jesus Christ! You must have found it amusing, me skirting around the issue, not wanting to say anything negative about your brother, and all the bloody time you knew?’ She felt as if her body were sinking into the sand under the weight of betrayal; it physically hurt. ‘I feel sick! I actually feel bloody sick!’ Her chest heaved.
‘It wasn’t like that! It wasn’t. I heard something from Vinnie who heard it from Paul and I dismissed it and said it was gossip and I went nuts, as you can imagine – I didn’t want it getting back to you. I refused to believe it. I was bloody furious! And I was upset.’
‘You were upset?’ Rae laughed but felt hurt, her lip trembling at the thought that her best friend knew, and that she had been the topic of conversation. ‘I knew it couldn’t be kept a secret,’ she admitted. ‘Shit!’
‘Don’t think it was traded as something salacious. It wasn’t like that, not at all. I didn’t believe it! I laughed, Rae; I laughed out loud and I told them it was nuts! Vinnie said Paul had had to make the girl a cash payment and that’s how he found out. He was in bits, the poor love; he came home in a state and I had to force it out of him. He said he didn’t know what to do or whether to tell me, and I swear when he did I laughed it off, because . . .’ Dolly’s voice broke away. ‘Because I didn’t want to think that Howard had done that to you and I didn’t want to think of the hurt it would cause you. And I have put it out of my head, literally not thought about it, because it was too crazy, too ludicrous! You two are so solid, strong . . . but then as soon as I noticed the way you were behaving I suspected you knew. I couldn’t say anything in case you didn’t, plus I hoped – prayed – that it would all blow over without us having to have this conversation.’
‘It’s gone too far for that.’ Rae again felt the familiar slide of tears over her cheeks.
‘Oh my darling.’ Dolly reached out and held Rae’s hand. ‘Is it true? Are you absolutely sure?’
Rae admired the note of hope in her friend’s tone that her brother’s immaculate status might yet be confirmed. She nodded. ‘Howard told me himself. He told me everything.’
Dolly started to cry, rubbing at her eyes
and nose and making a loud, wailing noise. ‘I can’t believe it, Rae! And I am sorry. I was in the shittiest position. I am in the shittiest position.’
‘I can imagine,’ Rae offered conciliatorily, feeling a mixture of anger that her best friend had not raised it, but also, fairly, trying to imagine what she’d have done if the boot had been on the other foot. Would she have brought it to Dolly’s door? Probably not. Least said, soonest mended . . .
For a brief moment the reality of her broken heart and fractured marriage sat squarely in her mind. She could feel the enormity of their conversation wrap itself around her and Dolly like a tie that bound. It was constricting. And she knew that if it was this tough discussing what had happened, it would be nigh on impossible to end her marriage without causing tremors through the world in which they all lived; it would open up ravines into which some relationships would fall. She glanced at her best friend, who sat on the sand, crying noisily, and wondered if theirs would be one of them. The thought was more than she could stand.
‘I hate it, Rae. I bloody hate it!’
‘I hate it too. I don’t know what to do.’ It felt good to admit this; she hoped doing so was the route to getting the guidance and advice she so desperately craved.
Dolly removed her hand from Rae’s and wiped her eyes.
‘I feel so ashamed, Dolly,’ Rae whispered, looking out towards the horizon, where a thin line of ink joined the ocean to the sky.
‘Ashamed? Why should you feel ashamed?’ Her friend twisted in the sand to face her.
Rae continued to gaze out over the sea. ‘I feel ashamed that I was not enough for him and I feel ashamed that things have got so broken. I just wanted us to make it through to the end like my mum and dad, like your parents and you and Vinnie . . .’
‘Christ, Rae, none of us knows what’s around the corner; and you and Howard can make it – of course you can! Don’t you dare feel ashamed, not when it’s down to some dozy tart coming along and working her magic with an agenda.’
‘I don’t think like that. Not really,’ Rae answered truthfully. ‘As I said to Howard, I didn’t make my vows with some girl at the restaurant. I made them with him. He owed me more; she owed me nothing.’
The Girl in the Corner Page 13
